Re: Families (formerly: Reply to & Debby)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/15/2004 2:15:25 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

s_lynne_flores@... writes:

I agree. Our children are beautiful, no matter what! And that sounds like

something my mil would say. She's a nut, but thats ot and can't discuss

that here!

Steph --

I'm not jumping on you here, but this made me think: Why not discuss it?

My mom is certifiable. She's like a goofy Hallmark card, other people find

her eccentric and sweet. She rewrites history and creates memories of events

out of thin air. Her advice to me on the day I got married was that when my

husband and I have a fight ( " which you KNOW you're going to do " ) I should

remember it is the woman's job to apologize. 'Cause it just makes things

easier.

(Yeah, like that's gonna happen. LOL) We keep track of my parents' marriages

by numbering them, so marital advice from them is sorta like getting it from

Liz . (Just to brag a bit, I've been married once to the same man for

22+ years.)

What a hoot. Dealing with extended family can be a chore! I joke that my

husband gets to tell the crazy-mother-in-law stories and he has so-o-o-o many

after all these years. And if I ever use that " I'm going home to mother " line,

it'll be HIS mother's home that I'll go to. (grin)

Joking aside, dealing with my mother has been difficult for my HOH son over

the years. At one point she insisted he could hear just fine because he always

understood her when she spoke to him. (The kid lips read very well.) At one

point she decided to prove her point and refused to face him while she

spoke. Then she did a 360 and decided to take ASL classes. At which point she

started signing and stopped talking. Ian did not sign at all at that point and

was very determined to live his life orally. The kid smiles his way through all

of these encounters and is ready for whatever strange thing comes next.

Christmas is coming soon enough.

Discussions about dealing with family members can become an unpleasant rant,

but a discussion about how hard it is for a hearing family like ours to

learn to deal with having a D/HOH member is a very valid topic. How do you

handle

a mother like mine? How do you deal with someone who openly questions your

decisions and tries to make you wonder about whether you are doing what's best

for YOUR child? Those are very valid concerns, so why not talk about them if

someone has the need?

How do we educate these mostly well-meaning people in our families? Politely

but strongly re-state the same things over and over and over? How do we deal

with the onslaught of well-intended but completely off-base advice that is

given at family gatherings? Or the horror stories told them by their friends

that they just have to share with me? Medical solutions they hear about that

have absolutley nothing to do with my son's condition? I've learned to smile

and nod and end those discussions as quickly and politely as I can.

It's been over 7 years since we found out about Ian's hearing loss and I

think I've seen it all. But, honstely, I doubt I actually have. There are

family

members who I do not see much at all anymore because they have been

incredibly rude or cruel in their comments and lack of support. It's a choice I

intentionally made because I don't think my son should have to deal with their

issues and judgmental attitude.

Just my 2-cents woorth of ramblings to take things completely off topic

(grin)

Best -- Jill

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/15/2004 2:15:25 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

s_lynne_flores@... writes:

I agree. Our children are beautiful, no matter what! And that sounds like

something my mil would say. She's a nut, but thats ot and can't discuss

that here!

Steph --

I'm not jumping on you here, but this made me think: Why not discuss it?

My mom is certifiable. She's like a goofy Hallmark card, other people find

her eccentric and sweet. She rewrites history and creates memories of events

out of thin air. Her advice to me on the day I got married was that when my

husband and I have a fight ( " which you KNOW you're going to do " ) I should

remember it is the woman's job to apologize. 'Cause it just makes things

easier.

(Yeah, like that's gonna happen. LOL) We keep track of my parents' marriages

by numbering them, so marital advice from them is sorta like getting it from

Liz . (Just to brag a bit, I've been married once to the same man for

22+ years.)

What a hoot. Dealing with extended family can be a chore! I joke that my

husband gets to tell the crazy-mother-in-law stories and he has so-o-o-o many

after all these years. And if I ever use that " I'm going home to mother " line,

it'll be HIS mother's home that I'll go to. (grin)

Joking aside, dealing with my mother has been difficult for my HOH son over

the years. At one point she insisted he could hear just fine because he always

understood her when she spoke to him. (The kid lips read very well.) At one

point she decided to prove her point and refused to face him while she

spoke. Then she did a 360 and decided to take ASL classes. At which point she

started signing and stopped talking. Ian did not sign at all at that point and

was very determined to live his life orally. The kid smiles his way through all

of these encounters and is ready for whatever strange thing comes next.

Christmas is coming soon enough.

Discussions about dealing with family members can become an unpleasant rant,

but a discussion about how hard it is for a hearing family like ours to

learn to deal with having a D/HOH member is a very valid topic. How do you

handle

a mother like mine? How do you deal with someone who openly questions your

decisions and tries to make you wonder about whether you are doing what's best

for YOUR child? Those are very valid concerns, so why not talk about them if

someone has the need?

How do we educate these mostly well-meaning people in our families? Politely

but strongly re-state the same things over and over and over? How do we deal

with the onslaught of well-intended but completely off-base advice that is

given at family gatherings? Or the horror stories told them by their friends

that they just have to share with me? Medical solutions they hear about that

have absolutley nothing to do with my son's condition? I've learned to smile

and nod and end those discussions as quickly and politely as I can.

It's been over 7 years since we found out about Ian's hearing loss and I

think I've seen it all. But, honstely, I doubt I actually have. There are

family

members who I do not see much at all anymore because they have been

incredibly rude or cruel in their comments and lack of support. It's a choice I

intentionally made because I don't think my son should have to deal with their

issues and judgmental attitude.

Just my 2-cents woorth of ramblings to take things completely off topic

(grin)

Best -- Jill

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/15/2004 2:15:25 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

s_lynne_flores@... writes:

I agree. Our children are beautiful, no matter what! And that sounds like

something my mil would say. She's a nut, but thats ot and can't discuss

that here!

Steph --

I'm not jumping on you here, but this made me think: Why not discuss it?

My mom is certifiable. She's like a goofy Hallmark card, other people find

her eccentric and sweet. She rewrites history and creates memories of events

out of thin air. Her advice to me on the day I got married was that when my

husband and I have a fight ( " which you KNOW you're going to do " ) I should

remember it is the woman's job to apologize. 'Cause it just makes things

easier.

(Yeah, like that's gonna happen. LOL) We keep track of my parents' marriages

by numbering them, so marital advice from them is sorta like getting it from

Liz . (Just to brag a bit, I've been married once to the same man for

22+ years.)

What a hoot. Dealing with extended family can be a chore! I joke that my

husband gets to tell the crazy-mother-in-law stories and he has so-o-o-o many

after all these years. And if I ever use that " I'm going home to mother " line,

it'll be HIS mother's home that I'll go to. (grin)

Joking aside, dealing with my mother has been difficult for my HOH son over

the years. At one point she insisted he could hear just fine because he always

understood her when she spoke to him. (The kid lips read very well.) At one

point she decided to prove her point and refused to face him while she

spoke. Then she did a 360 and decided to take ASL classes. At which point she

started signing and stopped talking. Ian did not sign at all at that point and

was very determined to live his life orally. The kid smiles his way through all

of these encounters and is ready for whatever strange thing comes next.

Christmas is coming soon enough.

Discussions about dealing with family members can become an unpleasant rant,

but a discussion about how hard it is for a hearing family like ours to

learn to deal with having a D/HOH member is a very valid topic. How do you

handle

a mother like mine? How do you deal with someone who openly questions your

decisions and tries to make you wonder about whether you are doing what's best

for YOUR child? Those are very valid concerns, so why not talk about them if

someone has the need?

How do we educate these mostly well-meaning people in our families? Politely

but strongly re-state the same things over and over and over? How do we deal

with the onslaught of well-intended but completely off-base advice that is

given at family gatherings? Or the horror stories told them by their friends

that they just have to share with me? Medical solutions they hear about that

have absolutley nothing to do with my son's condition? I've learned to smile

and nod and end those discussions as quickly and politely as I can.

It's been over 7 years since we found out about Ian's hearing loss and I

think I've seen it all. But, honstely, I doubt I actually have. There are

family

members who I do not see much at all anymore because they have been

incredibly rude or cruel in their comments and lack of support. It's a choice I

intentionally made because I don't think my son should have to deal with their

issues and judgmental attitude.

Just my 2-cents woorth of ramblings to take things completely off topic

(grin)

Best -- Jill

[Guest guest]

--- You wrote:

How do you deal with someone who openly questions your

decisions and tries to make you wonder about whether you are doing what's best

for YOUR child?

--- end of quote ---

Hi Jill - we moved 1000 miles away! :-)

It's very difficult - when my boys were diagnosed, I think it really hit my

older sister really hard. My sister was 14 years older than me and her son has

hearing loss although he was never aided, etc. and I think she - in hindsight -

felt she should have handled it differently? So she then acted really oddly

towards me. At one point she told me " what's the big deal - just put hearing

aids on him and forget about it! " . I was just stunned that someone who should

have been my shoulder was totally alienating me. I realize now that she was

probably dealing with unresolved issues with her own kids. The rest of our

family is also far away - mostly in W.Va. - and don't see the boys that much.

My sister passed away 5 years ago - I still miss her terribly and wish I had

her to argue with! She was the best - well, usually! We shared a birthday -

we were 14 years apart to the day with no one in between us. But I digress....

Families are so tricky - there's no one you love as much but no one (often) who

frustrates you more.

Barbara

*******************************

Barbara Mellert

Manager, Social Science Computing

Kiewit Computing Services

Dartmouth College

13A Silsby Hall; HB 6121

Hanover NH 03755

Telephone: 603/646-2877

URL: http://www.dartmouth.edu/~ssc

[Guest guest]

--- You wrote:

How do you deal with someone who openly questions your

decisions and tries to make you wonder about whether you are doing what's best

for YOUR child?

--- end of quote ---

Hi Jill - we moved 1000 miles away! :-)

It's very difficult - when my boys were diagnosed, I think it really hit my

older sister really hard. My sister was 14 years older than me and her son has

hearing loss although he was never aided, etc. and I think she - in hindsight -

felt she should have handled it differently? So she then acted really oddly

towards me. At one point she told me " what's the big deal - just put hearing

aids on him and forget about it! " . I was just stunned that someone who should

have been my shoulder was totally alienating me. I realize now that she was

probably dealing with unresolved issues with her own kids. The rest of our

family is also far away - mostly in W.Va. - and don't see the boys that much.

My sister passed away 5 years ago - I still miss her terribly and wish I had

her to argue with! She was the best - well, usually! We shared a birthday -

we were 14 years apart to the day with no one in between us. But I digress....

Families are so tricky - there's no one you love as much but no one (often) who

frustrates you more.

Barbara

*******************************

Barbara Mellert

Manager, Social Science Computing

Kiewit Computing Services

Dartmouth College

13A Silsby Hall; HB 6121

Hanover NH 03755

Telephone: 603/646-2877

URL: http://www.dartmouth.edu/~ssc

[Guest guest]

--- You wrote:

How do you deal with someone who openly questions your

decisions and tries to make you wonder about whether you are doing what's best

for YOUR child?

--- end of quote ---

Hi Jill - we moved 1000 miles away! :-)

It's very difficult - when my boys were diagnosed, I think it really hit my

older sister really hard. My sister was 14 years older than me and her son has

hearing loss although he was never aided, etc. and I think she - in hindsight -

felt she should have handled it differently? So she then acted really oddly

towards me. At one point she told me " what's the big deal - just put hearing

aids on him and forget about it! " . I was just stunned that someone who should

have been my shoulder was totally alienating me. I realize now that she was

probably dealing with unresolved issues with her own kids. The rest of our

family is also far away - mostly in W.Va. - and don't see the boys that much.

My sister passed away 5 years ago - I still miss her terribly and wish I had

her to argue with! She was the best - well, usually! We shared a birthday -

we were 14 years apart to the day with no one in between us. But I digress....

Families are so tricky - there's no one you love as much but no one (often) who

frustrates you more.

Barbara

*******************************

Barbara Mellert

Manager, Social Science Computing

Kiewit Computing Services

Dartmouth College

13A Silsby Hall; HB 6121

Hanover NH 03755

Telephone: 603/646-2877

URL: http://www.dartmouth.edu/~ssc

[Guest guest]

,

Your note just made me laugh! Are we related? My mother once said that if I

didn't have kids soon, my " plumbing would dry up. " We were married for

almost 10 years before deciding to have kids, so she claimed to be giving up

hope

for grandkids. I told her I'd call a plummer for a consultation.

At least you made it home before a doctor laughed her out of a room. My

mother was banned from the parent/grandparent room of the hosptial nursery on

Day

2 because of feeding issues. She tried to stop the nurses from feeding him

anything because I " had to nurse him. " They were giving him sugar water and

whatever else the doctors felt he needed. Plus my milk was not in. We had a

bunch of specialist caring for both of us because it was a very high risk

pregnancy. Anyway, the nurses kicked her out permanently -- and I gave them

permission. LOL

Our Ian arrived by emergency c-section about 4½ weeks early. He was 6 lb 7

oz. Not a premie in most ways, but he did have issues. He did not gain much

weight until he hit his official due date, then he grew so fast we were amazed.

So, he was nursed plus on formula -- we were trying to get him to gain

weight. He was borderline failure-to-thrive and we were doing everything right.

We

were nervous, scared and trying our best.

Fast forward to the end of this story. My mother informed my husband that we

should put cereal into his formula. (The kid's digestive system was not up to

snuff and she wanted to do that!) The doctor told her NO, it was absolutely

the wrong thing to do to any premie. (the exchange: " In my day, that was what

we did. " Doctor: " Madame, in your day this baby and your daughter would not

have survived. " )

So, she grumbles to my husband that one day soon, when she is alone

babysitting Ian, she'll give him cereal and prove that she's right. He

immediately

informed her that from that day forward she would never be left alone with his

son. If being right was more important than Ian's health, then she couldn't

be trusted. She simply could not understand why he'd say such a thing. (sheez)

Life's always been like that with her. Nevermind that we had some of the

best doctor in the county caring for us. Or that we're currently taking him to

two of the best ENT/hospitals in the Northeast. She knows best -- just ask

her. LOL

Just so everyone knows ... this isn't meant to be read as an angry rant. She

truly is an odd, eccentric lady. I actually laugh about all of this now.

I've adopted an attitude of bewilderment about her. Works far better than

bothering to get angry or defensive.

Best to all

Jill

In a message dated 10/16/2004 3:49:45 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

s_lynne_flores@... writes:

Jill, I have a habit of crossing my legs and my mil came to live with us for

2 weeks while she waited for her apartment to be ready. Everytime she saw

me crossing my legs, she'd say " don't cross your legs, the baby can't

breathe " . And she was deathly serious. I about laughed my head off. Well, we

had

a doc appointment 3 days before Christian surprised us and she came with us

to hear his heartbeat. She actually asked the doc the above. Doc about

laughed her out of the office. Then, after he was born, mil said that I had to

get a girdle (sp) so my insides would " return to normal " . Excuse me, I had a

c-section with 17 staples. You won't see me anywhere near a girdle. I told

her that if I needed one, my doc would have told me about it. She's a qwack

too! She always is giving advice. The other day, she asked when I was going

to start giving Christian water. He's 8 months old. (4 1/2 months adjusted)

I said he has no reason to have water. He's not even taking 30oz a day of

formula a day. He's got the body of about a 3 month old (he's only 10lb

12oz). I told her it'd be awhile b/4 he got water. " But it's good for his

liver " . Blah blah blah! And two weeks ago, he had bronchitis and wouldn't

take

milk, so we'd been giving him juice just so that he wouldn't get dehydrated.

Well, now she thinks he can have juice whenever. What a nut! UGH! She

treats him like he's a normal 8 month old, but he's far from that, let me tell

you! She's always giving unwanted advice and I've talked to her several times

about this. I could go on, but I think thats enough!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/16/2004 7:29:46 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

s_lynne_flores@... writes:

Jill, we must be b/c your note made me laugh too! These women truely are

crazy. My mil was also bugging us as soon as we were married to have kids.

She has two sons. One is my dh. She bugged the other one too.

,

My mom also started with the kids talk as soon as we said " I do. " I have to

tell you this and then I promise no more crazy mother stories.

When we'd been married about 3 years my mother bought an " antique " crib,

dresser and high chair set. Beautiful furniture, beautifully made. She put the

crib and dresser in a guest room to show us. She put a teddy bear in the high

chair and put it in the dining room. (honest, I couldn't make this up, it is

to-o-o-o strange)

When we came over one Sunday for dinner she informed us that she had bought

them as a prize. The first of her kids to have grandchildren would get the

furniture. My 2 kid sisters were 11 and 13 at the time. My brother was single

and in college. I'm the oldest, the only married and the only one likely to

have kids in that foreseeable future.

Like I'd ever get pregnant to " win " furniture?! What was this, a game show?

(LOL) As we drove home my hubby said that cinched it for him. He now believed

every crazy mother story I'd ever told (without the grain of salt he usually

used) and he thought I'd been being far too kind. (grin)

That chair and bear sat there for years. Once I did have Ian, she was so

attached to it, she kept it. I have no idea of any of my siblings ever got the

crib and dresser. I didn't ask. Just too funny. I hadn't thought of that in

years.

Best -- Jill

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 10/16/2004 7:29:46 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

s_lynne_flores@... writes:

Jill, we must be b/c your note made me laugh too! These women truely are

crazy. My mil was also bugging us as soon as we were married to have kids.

She has two sons. One is my dh. She bugged the other one too.

,

My mom also started with the kids talk as soon as we said " I do. " I have to

tell you this and then I promise no more crazy mother stories.

When we'd been married about 3 years my mother bought an " antique " crib,

dresser and high chair set. Beautiful furniture, beautifully made. She put the

crib and dresser in a guest room to show us. She put a teddy bear in the high

chair and put it in the dining room. (honest, I couldn't make this up, it is

to-o-o-o strange)

When we came over one Sunday for dinner she informed us that she had bought

them as a prize. The first of her kids to have grandchildren would get the

furniture. My 2 kid sisters were 11 and 13 at the time. My brother was single

and in college. I'm the oldest, the only married and the only one likely to

have kids in that foreseeable future.

Like I'd ever get pregnant to " win " furniture?! What was this, a game show?

(LOL) As we drove home my hubby said that cinched it for him. He now believed

every crazy mother story I'd ever told (without the grain of salt he usually

used) and he thought I'd been being far too kind. (grin)

That chair and bear sat there for years. Once I did have Ian, she was so

attached to it, she kept it. I have no idea of any of my siblings ever got the

crib and dresser. I didn't ask. Just too funny. I hadn't thought of that in

years.

Best -- Jill