Chantelle

[Guest guest]

Chantelle-

I think you already posess the coping skills that you need. Making

the list of 3 things is a great idea. I need to remember to do that

the next time I get overwhelmed. If sorting and organizing things

calms you, then why not do it (as long as it is not an obsessive

type thing). And you know what, the dirt will wait a few more hours

to be cleaned until you are in a better frame of mind. Trying to

tackle them when you feel so badly will probably not help.

In terms of your grandmother and sister--why don't you send them

cards. That way, they will know you were thinking of them, but you

will avoid a confrontation. I don't really know what is going on

with your Mom (and it is none of my business), but if you don't want

to speak to her, then don't. And don't feel guilty about it. You

need to be surrounding yourself with people who love you (like this

list), and staying away from those who suck your life energy away.

I have been thinking about your last posts about changing

jobs/fatigue/back pain. When was the last time you went through

PT? I think you might be due for a " tune up. " A PT could help

treat your back pain, work on energy conservation strategies and get

you on an exercise program to build up strength, endurance and

energy (I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but regular exercise

really does increase your energy, instead of making you feel more

tired). This could help with your present job, or a future one.

Its not uncommon for adults with disabilities to need periodic bouts

of PT to help with these types of things, especially as we get

older. I have no idea what your healthcare is like in Canada, but I

would think that outpatient PT must be covered???? (I would hope so)

I hope you are feeling better by now. Sometimes I get overwhelmed

and feel like I have so much to do that I cannot do anything. I

really like the list of 3 thing (usually I make a list of 20 things,

and that does not make the situation any better).

And tell your dad and grand-dad to stuff it.

I hope you are able to have a Happy Easter.

Kate (PT in NY)

[Guest guest]

Chantelle-

I think you already posess the coping skills that you need. Making

the list of 3 things is a great idea. I need to remember to do that

the next time I get overwhelmed. If sorting and organizing things

calms you, then why not do it (as long as it is not an obsessive

type thing). And you know what, the dirt will wait a few more hours

to be cleaned until you are in a better frame of mind. Trying to

tackle them when you feel so badly will probably not help.

In terms of your grandmother and sister--why don't you send them

cards. That way, they will know you were thinking of them, but you

will avoid a confrontation. I don't really know what is going on

with your Mom (and it is none of my business), but if you don't want

to speak to her, then don't. And don't feel guilty about it. You

need to be surrounding yourself with people who love you (like this

list), and staying away from those who suck your life energy away.

I have been thinking about your last posts about changing

jobs/fatigue/back pain. When was the last time you went through

PT? I think you might be due for a " tune up. " A PT could help

treat your back pain, work on energy conservation strategies and get

you on an exercise program to build up strength, endurance and

energy (I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but regular exercise

really does increase your energy, instead of making you feel more

tired). This could help with your present job, or a future one.

Its not uncommon for adults with disabilities to need periodic bouts

of PT to help with these types of things, especially as we get

older. I have no idea what your healthcare is like in Canada, but I

would think that outpatient PT must be covered???? (I would hope so)

I hope you are feeling better by now. Sometimes I get overwhelmed

and feel like I have so much to do that I cannot do anything. I

really like the list of 3 thing (usually I make a list of 20 things,

and that does not make the situation any better).

And tell your dad and grand-dad to stuff it.

I hope you are able to have a Happy Easter.

Kate (PT in NY)

[Guest guest]

Chantelle,

By reading your posts you sound like you are really doing better than you

think.

We know you have an intense past. That's hard to deal with. But you are

doing it. Take this time to let the past go and move forward with your life.

It

is only that way that you will be able to move on. You do not own your

family members thoughts and emotions. You only own yours. Make yours strong

and

positive.

Everyone in this world have had things to deal with and will continue to in

the future. Some are harder than others but that is the way it is. I have to

say that there have been family members who we didn't want to go visit because

of the negativity of the situation. It was intense and at times could have

been dangerous -alcohol was often involved with them. There was tons of

emotional drama and trauma going on and it would have been easy to stay away.

This

drama was focused at and I-not the girls. We tried and tried to fix

things. We offered counseling, working things out, and on and on and on. But

these relatives were mentally strange and there was nothing we could do to

change that. Sometimes people make their own hell.

Finally we realized that trying to fix things was making us sick and not

them. We had to let things go. We couldn't change their thoughts and we

couldn't

change their actions no matter what we did. But they lived in the house of

another family member who we loved dearly. If we stayed away then we would have

missed that relationship with him.

To be honest when we did visit there were even times we were afraid of what

would occur, but we sucked it up and went. We would walk in the door and say

hi to " them " and that's about it. It was their choice to not respond, not

ours. We stayed positive. The loving family member who they lived with got ill

and passed away. We now look back and are happy for being brave and going and

spending time with him. We have memories that we would not have had we let

the others scare everyone away. Our love was there and was allowed to flourish.

Now that we don't have to visit that house, we don't. They made their own

pain and now they have to live with it themselves. If they want to come back

into our lives they can. Know why? They are family and we forgive them. That

will be their choice.

It was incredibly hard but what we finally did was " let it go. " We had to

forgive them time and time again. Every time we walked in the house we had to

tell our minds their negativity was their own. We could not allow them to

continually hurt us emotionally. We had to forgive them in our hearts. That

way

we didn't hold the pain as our own. Only that way can people let go and move

forward. That's harder than you think but it is possible.

That doesn't mean to forget. You must see the patterns within people to know

what to expect from them. But then once you see that and let it go then you

no longer feel that fear and trepidation. Only you can live your life as

positive as you can. You cannot make anyone feel something you want them to.

You

cannot make anyone act in a way that you want them to. You cannot make

people understand you. You cannot make people face things they should. You

cannot

make your mother accept what she has done. You cannot make your father stop

saying those things. You cannot make people be nice, honest, true and good.

What you can do is forgive them in your mind every single time your heart or

soul is hurt. When they hurt you emotionally at that moment think to yourself

" I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. " When you do that you will

find the power within to remain strong and happy. You have nothing to prove and

you have nothing to rely on others for.

Then once that happens remember to try not to persuade others to accept or

understand you, even family members. You are who you are and that is it. Enjoy

that. Look within yourself. Ask yourself if you are being nice, if you are

being true to others, if you are being good, if you are doing your best, if

you like the way you look, if you are someone special. Then remember to answer

yes. If not, then focus on being true, good, trying your best........ Doing

that may help you will make it through the family holidays.

Remember during those family celebrations to always know you are responsible

only for yourself. Don't let anyone bait you into something negative. You

must not argue, get angry, or do things that will let them say See........

Think:

It's not what you say,

It's how you say it.

It's not the words you use,

It's the manner in which you convey it.

Finally when you are sitting there remember you are not alone. We are all

sitting there with you in spirit. You are not alone.

Bonnie, Mom to a 23, Patty CHARGE 21, and wife to

[Guest guest]

Chantelle,

By reading your posts you sound like you are really doing better than you

think.

We know you have an intense past. That's hard to deal with. But you are

doing it. Take this time to let the past go and move forward with your life.

It

is only that way that you will be able to move on. You do not own your

family members thoughts and emotions. You only own yours. Make yours strong

and

positive.

Everyone in this world have had things to deal with and will continue to in

the future. Some are harder than others but that is the way it is. I have to

say that there have been family members who we didn't want to go visit because

of the negativity of the situation. It was intense and at times could have

been dangerous -alcohol was often involved with them. There was tons of

emotional drama and trauma going on and it would have been easy to stay away.

This

drama was focused at and I-not the girls. We tried and tried to fix

things. We offered counseling, working things out, and on and on and on. But

these relatives were mentally strange and there was nothing we could do to

change that. Sometimes people make their own hell.

Finally we realized that trying to fix things was making us sick and not

them. We had to let things go. We couldn't change their thoughts and we

couldn't

change their actions no matter what we did. But they lived in the house of

another family member who we loved dearly. If we stayed away then we would have

missed that relationship with him.

To be honest when we did visit there were even times we were afraid of what

would occur, but we sucked it up and went. We would walk in the door and say

hi to " them " and that's about it. It was their choice to not respond, not

ours. We stayed positive. The loving family member who they lived with got ill

and passed away. We now look back and are happy for being brave and going and

spending time with him. We have memories that we would not have had we let

the others scare everyone away. Our love was there and was allowed to flourish.

Now that we don't have to visit that house, we don't. They made their own

pain and now they have to live with it themselves. If they want to come back

into our lives they can. Know why? They are family and we forgive them. That

will be their choice.

It was incredibly hard but what we finally did was " let it go. " We had to

forgive them time and time again. Every time we walked in the house we had to

tell our minds their negativity was their own. We could not allow them to

continually hurt us emotionally. We had to forgive them in our hearts. That

way

we didn't hold the pain as our own. Only that way can people let go and move

forward. That's harder than you think but it is possible.

That doesn't mean to forget. You must see the patterns within people to know

what to expect from them. But then once you see that and let it go then you

no longer feel that fear and trepidation. Only you can live your life as

positive as you can. You cannot make anyone feel something you want them to.

You

cannot make anyone act in a way that you want them to. You cannot make

people understand you. You cannot make people face things they should. You

cannot

make your mother accept what she has done. You cannot make your father stop

saying those things. You cannot make people be nice, honest, true and good.

What you can do is forgive them in your mind every single time your heart or

soul is hurt. When they hurt you emotionally at that moment think to yourself

" I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. " When you do that you will

find the power within to remain strong and happy. You have nothing to prove and

you have nothing to rely on others for.

Then once that happens remember to try not to persuade others to accept or

understand you, even family members. You are who you are and that is it. Enjoy

that. Look within yourself. Ask yourself if you are being nice, if you are

being true to others, if you are being good, if you are doing your best, if

you like the way you look, if you are someone special. Then remember to answer

yes. If not, then focus on being true, good, trying your best........ Doing

that may help you will make it through the family holidays.

Remember during those family celebrations to always know you are responsible

only for yourself. Don't let anyone bait you into something negative. You

must not argue, get angry, or do things that will let them say See........

Think:

It's not what you say,

It's how you say it.

It's not the words you use,

It's the manner in which you convey it.

Finally when you are sitting there remember you are not alone. We are all

sitting there with you in spirit. You are not alone.

Bonnie, Mom to a 23, Patty CHARGE 21, and wife to

[Guest guest]

Chantelle,

By reading your posts you sound like you are really doing better than you

think.

We know you have an intense past. That's hard to deal with. But you are

doing it. Take this time to let the past go and move forward with your life.

It

is only that way that you will be able to move on. You do not own your

family members thoughts and emotions. You only own yours. Make yours strong

and

positive.

Everyone in this world have had things to deal with and will continue to in

the future. Some are harder than others but that is the way it is. I have to

say that there have been family members who we didn't want to go visit because

of the negativity of the situation. It was intense and at times could have

been dangerous -alcohol was often involved with them. There was tons of

emotional drama and trauma going on and it would have been easy to stay away.

This

drama was focused at and I-not the girls. We tried and tried to fix

things. We offered counseling, working things out, and on and on and on. But

these relatives were mentally strange and there was nothing we could do to

change that. Sometimes people make their own hell.

Finally we realized that trying to fix things was making us sick and not

them. We had to let things go. We couldn't change their thoughts and we

couldn't

change their actions no matter what we did. But they lived in the house of

another family member who we loved dearly. If we stayed away then we would have

missed that relationship with him.

To be honest when we did visit there were even times we were afraid of what

would occur, but we sucked it up and went. We would walk in the door and say

hi to " them " and that's about it. It was their choice to not respond, not

ours. We stayed positive. The loving family member who they lived with got ill

and passed away. We now look back and are happy for being brave and going and

spending time with him. We have memories that we would not have had we let

the others scare everyone away. Our love was there and was allowed to flourish.

Now that we don't have to visit that house, we don't. They made their own

pain and now they have to live with it themselves. If they want to come back

into our lives they can. Know why? They are family and we forgive them. That

will be their choice.

It was incredibly hard but what we finally did was " let it go. " We had to

forgive them time and time again. Every time we walked in the house we had to

tell our minds their negativity was their own. We could not allow them to

continually hurt us emotionally. We had to forgive them in our hearts. That

way

we didn't hold the pain as our own. Only that way can people let go and move

forward. That's harder than you think but it is possible.

That doesn't mean to forget. You must see the patterns within people to know

what to expect from them. But then once you see that and let it go then you

no longer feel that fear and trepidation. Only you can live your life as

positive as you can. You cannot make anyone feel something you want them to.

You

cannot make anyone act in a way that you want them to. You cannot make

people understand you. You cannot make people face things they should. You

cannot

make your mother accept what she has done. You cannot make your father stop

saying those things. You cannot make people be nice, honest, true and good.

What you can do is forgive them in your mind every single time your heart or

soul is hurt. When they hurt you emotionally at that moment think to yourself

" I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. " When you do that you will

find the power within to remain strong and happy. You have nothing to prove and

you have nothing to rely on others for.

Then once that happens remember to try not to persuade others to accept or

understand you, even family members. You are who you are and that is it. Enjoy

that. Look within yourself. Ask yourself if you are being nice, if you are

being true to others, if you are being good, if you are doing your best, if

you like the way you look, if you are someone special. Then remember to answer

yes. If not, then focus on being true, good, trying your best........ Doing

that may help you will make it through the family holidays.

Remember during those family celebrations to always know you are responsible

only for yourself. Don't let anyone bait you into something negative. You

must not argue, get angry, or do things that will let them say See........

Think:

It's not what you say,

It's how you say it.

It's not the words you use,

It's the manner in which you convey it.

Finally when you are sitting there remember you are not alone. We are all

sitting there with you in spirit. You are not alone.

Bonnie, Mom to a 23, Patty CHARGE 21, and wife to

[Guest guest]

Chantelle-

I think you letter to your employer is wonderful. While I read it I became

" alert " and concerned when you began to speak about the work interactions

between you and versus you and Ingrid, but when I had finished

reading, all I was saying to myself was " Yay Chantelle! Go, Chantelle! "

You were more than fair - you were generous in thought, very articulate and

very responsible for your own experience.

Also, your reply about a five year old sibling being in charge I thought was

quite on target. I think the family meant in charge on a much smaller

scale - however, I applaud your commitment and integrity for being compelled

to bring it up. It brought back to me how I safeguarded my children's

emergent abilities - and looked carefully at the possible consequences and

whether or not it would be fair for them to possibly feel responsible for

them if they occurred. Perhaps I explore risk too much - but heck, we won

the " insurance " lottery )

Good for you Chantelle- you make me feel so proud of you!

love,

yuka

OT: is this letter ok? Letter to boss re less hours and

issue with coworker.

> Hello CHARGE group, i really need to write this letter to my boss but I

want

> it to explain my medical and health stuff. I also want to mention my

> problems with my coworker without making my coworker seem like an idiot

> (even if i really think she is, i know i need to be polite and i dont want

> her in trouble or anything either)

>

>

> Could someone critique this and tell me if its ok. Thanks!

>

> Chantelle

>