Hard time

[Guest guest]

I am having a hard time with the holidays. I want to see a therapist so bad and

I can't because my husband has lost his job and we had to move into my dad's

basement in a different state and we have no means to go to therapy and it has

been ok until now. I feel like I just need a day of sitting alone in a quiet

room to cry and not have anyone come ask me if I am ok or anything. I love my

husband but we are stuck in this basement and just the sound of him swallowing

water makes me want to cry. Everything makes me want to cry and I just want to

be alone to breath.

I have recently found out that my Nada had been lying to me about some very big

things ever since I was a child. Always thought my Dad left my helpless loving

perfect Mom for my evil step mom. What really happened was Mom cheated on dad

right after his little brother died in an accident. And told him coldly that

she was having an affair and when he left her she freaked because the man in the

affair left her at the same time. So I was raised alone with her to believe

that my Dad hated me and her and left us both for my step mom. And My Mom was

the saint. It took ten years of living away from my Mom to realize my dad is

great and so is my step mom and they love me so much they took us in when we had

no where to turn. And then when she threatened to commit suicide when we came

to my Dad for help I went to a therapist for the little time I could here and

they told me about BPD. Too perfect. Every day I am struggling with how much

my Mom has done in my life alone that is just awful stuff. I know it is the

BPD, but I can't help hating her for it and dwelling on it to the point that I

am consumed by it. I am on low contact with her and working through setting

boundaries. But I wish I could just never have her in my life again. But the

guilt is unbearable when we are on no contact. I am in pain and I just needed

to vent. I hate my Nada and I love my Dad step mom and husband. Yet I am so

consumed with my Nada that I am not taking advantage of this time I have with

the ones I love. I need to set my mind at ease and I can't find a way. But

thank you for listening.

[Guest guest]

Oh hunny, first of all (((((hugs you)))))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that nadas really know

how to up the ante around the holidays (mine just pulled a real doosie on me).

I understand that counseling and therapy helps, so here is one option that I can

think of. If you are a student in college, I know that a majority colleges

offer free counseling as part of enrollment.

I don't want to say the whole " I know how you feel " thing, but I have been major

down in the dumps before. I can only give you advice on how I handled things in

the past, so here it is. I really started to lean on my friends and my good

members of my family. For me, it's my grandmother, which ironically is my

nada's mother. It seems that my nada takes after her father. Perhaps you could

start to spend some time with your step-mom and you dad. Focus on re-building

those relationships. Have a heart to heart with them. Spend some time with

your husband. Take a day and do something that the two of you love to do, go to

the zoo (baby animals!), go for a walk in the park, spend a day in your p.j.s

and watch a movie that the two of you love! I know that these aren't permanent

fixers, but they might help.

The first move that I made to really start setting boundaries between my nada

and I was about three years ago. I began focusing on creating positive

relationships between myself and other people. It was only then that I was

really able to start breaking away from my nada. When I began creating

relationships with other people, I began to " need " my nada a whole lot less.

Also, I began to see more and more how healthy relationships function, and I

began to see just how toxic my nada really is.

I can also suggest reading the book: " Understanding the Borderline Mother:

Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile

Relationship " by Ann Lawson. It is not an immediate fix, but it is a

start.

My nada had me convinced until I was about 18 that what was going on in our

house was " normal " family behavior. She too also turned me against my father,

and taught me that it was " him " against " us " , or " bad " against " good. " And poor

dad was always the bad guy.

My father and I have been working on improving our relationship, and it has been

doing wonders for me.

Bottom line, take time to do something for you. Go for a run, workout, paint

your nails, read a good book ( Weiner is always good, as is Ellen

Hildebrand) take a bubble bath for a few hours and read a trashy magazine

(in-touch, cosmo, etc), anything that makes you happy.

Another thing that I found that helped me was meditating. My nada used to give

me such horrible panic attacks that I could only sleep like two hours a night

for a couple a months, not healthy. I used to wake up out of breathe, or when I

would just start falling asleep, my heart would start beating really fast and I

just couldn't fall asleep. I learned to meditate, and it really helped. You

can look up online how to do this. How I always did it: I put on some really

soft and calming music, sat down in a very comfy chair, and concentrated on my

breathing. Eventually, I began to envision my self in my favorite place on

earth, on a warm sunny beach, with a nice book in one hand, a big glass of ice

cold water, and a good pair of shades on! Yoga also helps.

Also, this website is a tremendous help. It is really nice to know that you

have a group of people to talk to, and who know what you are dealing with, and

are here to talk.

Hopefully, these suggestions will help you out. I wish you nothing but the

healthiness and happiness.

-Jade

[Guest guest]

Oh hunny, first of all (((((hugs you)))))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that nadas really know

how to up the ante around the holidays (mine just pulled a real doosie on me).

I understand that counseling and therapy helps, so here is one option that I can

think of. If you are a student in college, I know that a majority colleges

offer free counseling as part of enrollment.

I don't want to say the whole " I know how you feel " thing, but I have been major

down in the dumps before. I can only give you advice on how I handled things in

the past, so here it is. I really started to lean on my friends and my good

members of my family. For me, it's my grandmother, which ironically is my

nada's mother. It seems that my nada takes after her father. Perhaps you could

start to spend some time with your step-mom and you dad. Focus on re-building

those relationships. Have a heart to heart with them. Spend some time with

your husband. Take a day and do something that the two of you love to do, go to

the zoo (baby animals!), go for a walk in the park, spend a day in your p.j.s

and watch a movie that the two of you love! I know that these aren't permanent

fixers, but they might help.

The first move that I made to really start setting boundaries between my nada

and I was about three years ago. I began focusing on creating positive

relationships between myself and other people. It was only then that I was

really able to start breaking away from my nada. When I began creating

relationships with other people, I began to " need " my nada a whole lot less.

Also, I began to see more and more how healthy relationships function, and I

began to see just how toxic my nada really is.

I can also suggest reading the book: " Understanding the Borderline Mother:

Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile

Relationship " by Ann Lawson. It is not an immediate fix, but it is a

start.

My nada had me convinced until I was about 18 that what was going on in our

house was " normal " family behavior. She too also turned me against my father,

and taught me that it was " him " against " us " , or " bad " against " good. " And poor

dad was always the bad guy.

My father and I have been working on improving our relationship, and it has been

doing wonders for me.

Bottom line, take time to do something for you. Go for a run, workout, paint

your nails, read a good book ( Weiner is always good, as is Ellen

Hildebrand) take a bubble bath for a few hours and read a trashy magazine

(in-touch, cosmo, etc), anything that makes you happy.

Another thing that I found that helped me was meditating. My nada used to give

me such horrible panic attacks that I could only sleep like two hours a night

for a couple a months, not healthy. I used to wake up out of breathe, or when I

would just start falling asleep, my heart would start beating really fast and I

just couldn't fall asleep. I learned to meditate, and it really helped. You

can look up online how to do this. How I always did it: I put on some really

soft and calming music, sat down in a very comfy chair, and concentrated on my

breathing. Eventually, I began to envision my self in my favorite place on

earth, on a warm sunny beach, with a nice book in one hand, a big glass of ice

cold water, and a good pair of shades on! Yoga also helps.

Also, this website is a tremendous help. It is really nice to know that you

have a group of people to talk to, and who know what you are dealing with, and

are here to talk.

Hopefully, these suggestions will help you out. I wish you nothing but the

healthiness and happiness.

-Jade

[Guest guest]

Oh hunny, first of all (((((hugs you)))))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that nadas really know

how to up the ante around the holidays (mine just pulled a real doosie on me).

I understand that counseling and therapy helps, so here is one option that I can

think of. If you are a student in college, I know that a majority colleges

offer free counseling as part of enrollment.

I don't want to say the whole " I know how you feel " thing, but I have been major

down in the dumps before. I can only give you advice on how I handled things in

the past, so here it is. I really started to lean on my friends and my good

members of my family. For me, it's my grandmother, which ironically is my

nada's mother. It seems that my nada takes after her father. Perhaps you could

start to spend some time with your step-mom and you dad. Focus on re-building

those relationships. Have a heart to heart with them. Spend some time with

your husband. Take a day and do something that the two of you love to do, go to

the zoo (baby animals!), go for a walk in the park, spend a day in your p.j.s

and watch a movie that the two of you love! I know that these aren't permanent

fixers, but they might help.

The first move that I made to really start setting boundaries between my nada

and I was about three years ago. I began focusing on creating positive

relationships between myself and other people. It was only then that I was

really able to start breaking away from my nada. When I began creating

relationships with other people, I began to " need " my nada a whole lot less.

Also, I began to see more and more how healthy relationships function, and I

began to see just how toxic my nada really is.

I can also suggest reading the book: " Understanding the Borderline Mother:

Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile

Relationship " by Ann Lawson. It is not an immediate fix, but it is a

start.

My nada had me convinced until I was about 18 that what was going on in our

house was " normal " family behavior. She too also turned me against my father,

and taught me that it was " him " against " us " , or " bad " against " good. " And poor

dad was always the bad guy.

My father and I have been working on improving our relationship, and it has been

doing wonders for me.

Bottom line, take time to do something for you. Go for a run, workout, paint

your nails, read a good book ( Weiner is always good, as is Ellen

Hildebrand) take a bubble bath for a few hours and read a trashy magazine

(in-touch, cosmo, etc), anything that makes you happy.

Another thing that I found that helped me was meditating. My nada used to give

me such horrible panic attacks that I could only sleep like two hours a night

for a couple a months, not healthy. I used to wake up out of breathe, or when I

would just start falling asleep, my heart would start beating really fast and I

just couldn't fall asleep. I learned to meditate, and it really helped. You

can look up online how to do this. How I always did it: I put on some really

soft and calming music, sat down in a very comfy chair, and concentrated on my

breathing. Eventually, I began to envision my self in my favorite place on

earth, on a warm sunny beach, with a nice book in one hand, a big glass of ice

cold water, and a good pair of shades on! Yoga also helps.

Also, this website is a tremendous help. It is really nice to know that you

have a group of people to talk to, and who know what you are dealing with, and

are here to talk.

Hopefully, these suggestions will help you out. I wish you nothing but the

healthiness and happiness.

-Jade