SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME(Humour.)

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(also check out "Lyme Quotes from physicians" HERE)

SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST FOR NEUROLOGICAL LYME(to be filled out by Lyme patients only)Written by the talented Judy at noah@...Thank you Judy for sharing!1. Sudden onset of multiple personality disorder2. Hell-bent to tell the "truth" especially on any given "politically incorrect" subject.3. Frightening, complete reordering of priorities (These new priorities run close to thoseof Mother Therese.)4. Talking like you are Mother Therese.5. A sleeping pattern resembling the long rest of hibernating bears or the worsecondition of inability to sleep even upon administration of meds to kill a pair of rhinos.6. Sudden realization you made a major mistake in the choosing your husband.7. A diagnosis from at least 3 (I set a minimal record of 2), often more (up to 15) MDsthat reads "psychosomatic disorder".8. An extreme propensity (albeit usually accurate) to find lyme in others9. An ability to lose approximately 100 things a day, followed by an inability to find them,although 80% of them are exactly where they're supposed to be.10. Verbal dyslexia, i.e. saying the word "cow" when the word called for was "pencil"(not a close match).11. Seeing double (i.e. seeing 2 of your husband(s) even though you don't even want tosee one of him).12. Getting lost in your car though you are only 2 houses away from your home and yourIrish Setter is pointing his tail at your house.13. Forgetting if you just took 1 Zithromax or 12.14. Losing most or all of approximately 30 pages of paper with pertinent info., i.e. LymeSupport members' phone nos., Burrascano's protocol, directions for how to put out a fire(you recently lost the fire extinguisher itself).15. Mood swings greater than jungle animals.16. Times when you should keep your mouth shut because of complete cognitivedysfunction, but you don't.17. ESP followed by periods of "clueless".18. Deciding to commit suicide, during a period of severe mental agitation, by smokingyourself to death, then being too lethargic to go out and buy any cigarettes.19. Inability to spell "the" - it just doesn't look right.20. Rages in which you throw and break all your phones which makes it impossible tocall for help.21. Confusion caused by having all of 2 things on your "to do" list for the day.by Judy noah@...

PHYSICAL SYMPTOM CHECKLISTby Judy - noah@...1. 8 chest symptoms that send you to the ER with fear of heart attack though the ER is adangerous place for Lyme patients (and others).2. A pain that begins in your ankle, jumps quickly to an unparallel knee, gets stuck inyour neck and leaves via your stomach.3. Tremors that seem to stem from the San s fault (and whose fault is that?).4. After not being hit by a truck, waking up feeling like you have been5. Losing weight while consuming illegal amts. of chocolate.6. Gaining weight after deciding, Ghandi-like, to protest the state of lyme treatment byrefusing food.7. Unusual sounds that are non-existent, i.e. phones ringing, doorbells, dogs coughing,cats peeing and such.8. Hyperacussis, as in hearing a neighbor's dog fart, hearing an ant crawling on anoutside window ledge 3 rooms away, having a strong desire to gag your child becausehe is talking in a normal tone of voice.9. Tired although in 2 days you have slept 48 hours.10. Testicular pain and you are a female.11. Unexplained menopause at age 12.12. Heart palpitations that rival Buddy Rich. 13. Irritable bowel - it yells at you inappropriately.14. Bladder hesitancy, i.e. you are unable to pee for 4 hours after drinking 5 litres offluid.15. Unexplained milk production and you are a man.16. Inability to spell libido, i.e. labbeeto.17. Sinusitis that fills both nasal passages and leaves mucous pockets in your ears,making you sound like Truman Capote.18.Neck stiffness that leaves you feeling like you should be onstage with Reeve on Oprah (God bless you, Chris!).19. Cramps that make your foot look like your hand.20. Facial twitches that make the person you're talking to think you are winking atsomeone behind him.21. Thumb twitching that arrests traffic when a car stops to take you (the hitchhiker)where you want to go.22. Arm twitching that causes you to drop your groceries that end up being someoneelse's groceries. by Judy - noah@...

An Ode to Non-LLMD'sby Larson "You can't have Lyme diseasebecause I say it's so.The insurance companies make me say it'cause it saves them lots of dough."The Hippocratic oath-I'veforgotten what that means.You've probably got depressionand that runs within your genes.There's a pharmacopeia of medsWhich one is your desire?Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Nardil?You'll take one or raise my ire."Sure you tell me that your bodyfeels like it's been in wrecks,but you still cannot convinceme you'll feel better on abx."Just decide you're going tofeel better; go home and meditate.Tony Robbins has some tapes to watch,they'll make you feel just great."Although you tell me different,you're sick just in your head.Don't you see you can't convince methat it's something else instead."I've heard enough; you bore meAnd I've other patients here to see.Their ailments much more simple;like a badly-twisted knee."The learned doctor finally says,"Please, will you go awayThere's nothing science can do foryou; just go to church and pray."

LYMIE OATH:~~I'm the life of the party...everyone wants to know why I have a sock on my arm ..~~Now that I have Lyme, things are finally starting to click for me -- my neck... myknees... my elbows...~~I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.~~I'm taking lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I am just having trouble breathing~~I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.~~I'm good for least an hour of the day without my Benadryl, prilosec,rocephin, diflucan, 29 various herbs and supplements, zoloft....~~I'm the first one to find the bathroom and nap area wherever I go~~My joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service~~The way I clean my house is with a sweeping glance.~~I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up~~I'm smiling all the time because I can't comprehend a word you're saying~~I insist on being in charge of the checkbook, because when *I* do it, we alwayscome out a couple thousand dollars ahead.~~I'm the only one in my family who can work the remote with their eyes closed. Hell, Ican even do it with my toes.~~I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.~~All my friends trust me with their deepest and darkest secrets. They have no idea Ican't remember a darned thing they told me.~~I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over - that is, if I can remember them.~~I'm the closest one to our Aunt, Aunty Biotics~~I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, IV care, private care, dental care~~I would take my Ginkgo if I could remember where I put it.~~I really wish Uncle Arthur Itis would leave me alone.~~I'm not irritable, I just don't like traffic, waiting, noise, sound, children,politicians, or anything else in my environment...~~I have the most culture than anyone I know - blood culture, fungus, accidophillus andFOS~~I am extremely creative, I remember something new every day.~~I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired last month.~~Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed - I enjoy it. I do it seven or ten times a day.~~I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place~~I'm achey, weak, saggy and lumpy, and have burning sensations - and that's just myleft leg~~I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....uh....~~I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate~~I'm sure they are making people much healthier these days~~I'm in the *initial* state of my prime years: SSI, HMO, HBO, PPO, LUAT.....~~I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 210?~~I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-light, anti-noise,anti- inflammatory, anti-biotics, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-fungal~~I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?~~I've added more variety into my life, I just added multiple vitamins and minerals~~I'm the only one in the family that knows how many cracks are in the ceiling~~I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom~~Do I have brain fog? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.

MEMORYMy forgetters getting better But my rememberer is broke. To you that may seem funny, but to me that is no joke. For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who's that?" Yes, my forgetters getting better While my rememberer is broke,And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LYME WHEN:You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" Everything hurts; but you don't know when or where it will hurt.You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.When on your birthday you a receive a birthday card that reads as follows:"It's your birthday" - "and I know a little something that I could hook you up with!""A Life Support Machine." You get exhausted just waking up.Your children can do math better than you.People call at 7 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions[for once you don't have brain fog].You look forward to your IV infusion of abx [or oral abx].You turn down the lights because of photosensitivity rather thanromance.You sit in a rocking chair and get motion sickness. But the rocking chairisn't moving.You have a compass attached to your necklace.You get motion sickness when you drive. Forget about trying to be thepassenger!You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 PM or 1 AM or 6 AM depending on yourinternal clock's daily computations. Everyday is different.You put the margarine in the toaster oven and try to butter your bread.You put the margarine in the cupboard, the knife in the refrigerator, andthe toast in the sink. Then you walk around in circles trying to find thetoast.You get exercise by going to the bathroom 10 or more times a day.One shelf of the refrigerator is filled with abx.You can't remember how to turn the shower off.You can't figure out how to get the key out of the ignition [you forgotabout the little black button you push in].You can't find your way home and you only took a walk around the block.When your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.You get winded playing chess.You look forward to a dull evening.Dialing long distance wears you out. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. When you wake up with that morning-after feeling and youdidn't do anything the night before.When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.There are three signs of Lyme Disease. The first is your loss of memory, the othertwo I forget.The only part of your body that gets a "workout" are your thumbs - from clicking on that remote allday.When your idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.You know you have Lyme when you stop to think and forget to start againWhen you wake up screaming and stressed - then you realize you haven'tfallen asleep yet.When you're meandering to a different drummer.When your day was a total waste of makeup.When someone says to you: You look like heck. Is that the style now?When you think to yourself: "This ain't no party...this ain't no disco..."When all the pharmacists and lab workers in town know you on a first name basis.

Three ladies with Lyme were discussing the problems of living with the disease. One said,"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can'tremember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'mglad I don't have that problem; knock on wood." as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Lymies on the RoadA group of lymies were exchanging notes about their symptoms."My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this glass of water.""Yes, I know. My blurry vision is so bad I can't see to even pour a drink of water.""I can't turn my head because of this awful neck pain.""I don't know if I'm coming or going with all this brain fog and dizziness.""I guess that's just a day in the life of a lymie.""Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"

If you have burning sensations with Lyme, should you call the Fire Department?

As a Lymie was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voiceurgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way onI-15. Please be careful.""Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two lyme-stricken women were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had beenmeeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship. One day, one of the women turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me,, but I amembarrassed, after all these years...What is your name ? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "The second lyme-stricken gal, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally,with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to know ?"

If an invasion of deer ticks in a rural area caused that locality to have to hire an additional forestry person to deal with the problem, plus an additional public health person to deal with the resultant Lyme Disease outbreak, and as a result of the additional expenditure on personnel the locality was forced to levy new taxes on its populace to cover the cost, would that new charge be considered a tick-tax?

What's this string on my finger for?

Two lymies were out driving in a car. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to seewhat was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?

Your secrets are safe with me....I can't remeber a darn thing

"Genuine Lymie," Been there, done that, can't remember!

I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.

Two lymie couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across hisface and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

What's a lymie's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting their legs so they can vacuum.

(felt we could identify with this!)

A scientist had a frog. He decided to study the little guy. So he says"Jump frog, Jump" and the frog jumped 8 feet. So he noted in his journalthat a frog with 4 legs jumps 8 feet. Then he cut off one leg and said"Jump Frog, Jump". The frog then jumped 6 feet and he made the req'dnotation. After cutting off the 2nd leg and saying Jump, Jump,..the frogonly jumped 4 feet..and the scientist so noted. He then cut of the thirdleg and told the frog to jump...he jumped 2 feet..and the scientistnoted in his book that a frog with only one leg jumps 2 feet. Finally,he cut off the last leg and said "Jump Frog, Jump" but alas the frogjumped nowhere. The scientist opened his book and noted "after cuttingoff all legs, the frog becomes totally deaf".

"Lymie Blues"To the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"(author unknown)I'm feeling so dizzyMy headache's so strongMy body is achingPlease tell me what's wrongGot pains in my musclesAnd I'm numb all aroundSo I went to my doctorAnd here's what he foundHe says it could be LupusOr maybe MSDo you know what he settles on?I bet you can guessHe says I need counselingThat I'm going berserkBut I don't believe thatI just think he's a jerk!I see lots of doctorsAnd get sicker with timeUntil I find out thatI really have Lyme!So twenty-eight days passOf life on IVAnd if I'm not well yetThen I must be crazy!But we are still sick nowAnd it's hard to get wellThose spirochetes are cleverOr couldn't you tell?So I chat with my "lymies"And stay on my drugsI just keep on fightingAnd stay away from those BUGS!TOP OF PAGE Take me to more medical humor! or Great Diet Tips!Some sad, but funny lyme quotes from docs!Back to Lyme Page/Home/About Me/Photo Album/Medical Humor/ /Email me*NEW* Snowglobes for your web page!! Click HERE