Re: Bathing suit season...

[Guest guest]

That was so great! nothing worse than the " uni-boob " effect that

seems to happen with EVERY bathing suit i've ever owned! I'm not

even going to bother shopping for a new one this year. No need for

another traumatic experience!

-

>

>

> > I thought this one was funny when I got it the other day:

> >

> >

> > In the 1950s the bathing suit for the

> > mature figure was boned, trussed and

> > reinforced; not so much sewn as

> > engineered.

> >

> > They were built to hold back and

> > uplift, and they did a good job.

> >

> > Today's stretch fabrics are designed

> > for the prepubescent girl with a figure

> > carved from a potato chip.

> >

> > The mature woman has a choice. She can

> > either go up front to the maternity

> > department and try on a floral suit with

> > a skirt, coming away looking like a

> > hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's

> > Fantasia, or she can wander around every

> > run of the mill department store trying

> > to make a sensible choice from what

> > amounts to a designer range of

> > fluorescent rubber bands.

> >

> > What choice did I have? I wandered

> > around, made my sensible choice and

> > entered the chamber of horrors known as

> > the fitting room.

> >

> > The first thing I noticed was the

> > extraordinary tensile strength of the

> > stretch material.

> >

> > The Lycra used in bathing costumes was

> > developed, I believe, by NASA to

> > launch small rockets from a slingshot,

> > which give the added bonus that if

> > you manage to actually lever yourself

> > into one, you are protected from shark

> > attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at

> > your passing midriff would immediately

> > suffer whiplash.

> >

> > I fought my way into the bathing suit,

> > but as I twanged the shoulder strap

> > in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom

> > had disappeared! Eventually, I found one

> > bosom cowering under my left armpit. It

> > took a while to find the other. At last

> > I located it, flattened beside my

> > seventh rib.

> >

> > The problem is that modern bathing

> > suits have no bra cups. The mature woman

> > is meant to wear her bosom spread across

> > her chest like a speed bump.

> >

> > I realigned my speed bump and lurched

> > toward the mirror to take a full view

> > assessment.

> >

> > The bathing suit fit all right, but

> > unfortunately it only fit those bits of

> > me willing to stay inside it. The rest

> > of me oozed out rebelliously from

> > top, bottom, and sides.

> >

> > I looked like a lump of play dough

> > wearing undersized cling wrap.

> >

> > As I tried to work out where all those

> > extra bits had come from, the

> > prepubescent sales girl popped her head

> > through the curtain, " Oh, there you

> > are! " , she said admiring the bathing

> > suit.

> >

> > I replied that I wasn't so sure and

> > asked what else she had to show me.

> >

> > I tried on a cream crinkled one that

> > made me look like a lump of masking

> > tape, and a floral two piece which gave

> > the appearance of an oversized

> > napkin in a serving ring.

> >

> > I struggled into a pair of leopard skin

> > bathers with ragged frills and came

> > back looking like Tarzan's Jane,

> > pregnant with triplets and having a

> > rough

> > day. I tried on a black number with a

> > midriff and looked like a jellyfish in

> > mourning.

> >

> > I tried on a bright pink pair with such

> > a high cut leg I thought I would

> > have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

> >

> > Finally, I found a suit that fit . .

> > ... a two-piece affair with a shorts

> > style bottom and a loose blouse-type

> > top.

> >

> > It was cheap, comfortable, and

> > bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My

> > ridiculous search had a successful

> > outcome, I figured. When I got home,

> > I found a label which read -- " Material

> > might become transparent in water. "

> >

>

>

> There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing

is a

> miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle.

> --Albert Einstein

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Whats worse - trying on the bathing suit in the store, clad in

underwear and all,looking ridiculous with white panties sticking out

the sides, or NOT trying on the bathing suit until you get home only

to realize that you've gotten it two sizes too small.

I've not had luck with bathing suits this year, at ALL.

>

>

> > I thought this one was funny when I got it the other day:

> >

> >

> > In the 1950s the bathing suit for the

> > mature figure was boned, trussed and

> > reinforced; not so much sewn as

> > engineered.

> >

> > They were built to hold back and

> > uplift, and they did a good job.

> >

> > Today's stretch fabrics are designed

> > for the prepubescent girl with a figure

> > carved from a potato chip.

> >

> > The mature woman has a choice. She can

> > either go up front to the maternity

> > department and try on a floral suit with

> > a skirt, coming away looking like a

> > hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's

> > Fantasia, or she can wander around every

> > run of the mill department store trying

> > to make a sensible choice from what

> > amounts to a designer range of

> > fluorescent rubber bands.

> >

> > What choice did I have? I wandered

> > around, made my sensible choice and

> > entered the chamber of horrors known as

> > the fitting room.

> >

> > The first thing I noticed was the

> > extraordinary tensile strength of the

> > stretch material.

> >

> > The Lycra used in bathing costumes was

> > developed, I believe, by NASA to

> > launch small rockets from a slingshot,

> > which give the added bonus that if

> > you manage to actually lever yourself

> > into one, you are protected from shark

> > attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at

> > your passing midriff would immediately

> > suffer whiplash.

> >

> > I fought my way into the bathing suit,

> > but as I twanged the shoulder strap

> > in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom

> > had disappeared! Eventually, I found one

> > bosom cowering under my left armpit. It

> > took a while to find the other. At last

> > I located it, flattened beside my

> > seventh rib.

> >

> > The problem is that modern bathing

> > suits have no bra cups. The mature woman

> > is meant to wear her bosom spread across

> > her chest like a speed bump.

> >

> > I realigned my speed bump and lurched

> > toward the mirror to take a full view

> > assessment.

> >

> > The bathing suit fit all right, but

> > unfortunately it only fit those bits of

> > me willing to stay inside it. The rest

> > of me oozed out rebelliously from

> > top, bottom, and sides.

> >

> > I looked like a lump of play dough

> > wearing undersized cling wrap.

> >

> > As I tried to work out where all those

> > extra bits had come from, the

> > prepubescent sales girl popped her head

> > through the curtain, " Oh, there you

> > are! " , she said admiring the bathing

> > suit.

> >

> > I replied that I wasn't so sure and

> > asked what else she had to show me.

> >

> > I tried on a cream crinkled one that

> > made me look like a lump of masking

> > tape, and a floral two piece which gave

> > the appearance of an oversized

> > napkin in a serving ring.

> >

> > I struggled into a pair of leopard skin

> > bathers with ragged frills and came

> > back looking like Tarzan's Jane,

> > pregnant with triplets and having a

> > rough

> > day. I tried on a black number with a

> > midriff and looked like a jellyfish in

> > mourning.

> >

> > I tried on a bright pink pair with such

> > a high cut leg I thought I would

> > have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

> >

> > Finally, I found a suit that fit . .

> > ... a two-piece affair with a shorts

> > style bottom and a loose blouse-type

> > top.

> >

> > It was cheap, comfortable, and

> > bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My

> > ridiculous search had a successful

> > outcome, I figured. When I got home,

> > I found a label which read -- " Material

> > might become transparent in water. "

> >

>

>

> There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though

nothing is a

> miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle.

> --Albert Einstein

>

>

>