Introduction

November 11, 2010

Oh, to continue my long post:

-I am not sure what to do/say to her about Thanksgiving. We are planning on

visiting my childhood friend. In the past she has gone to her house. During

her visit she played the martyr card and said she was not going b/c it was soooo

difficult given her older age to travel that far. I believe she wanted us to go

to her house instead. Now that this has not worked and my limits (which I can

do on the phone b/c I can just get off the phone when I need my space and have

space for days if needed) she is on her BEST behavior and being EXTRA nice. I

believe that last minute she will find a way to travel to my friend's house -

who is very welcoming but knows my mother and is supportive of me. She has made

it clear that it's my choice if I want her there or not. I am not prepared to

flat out tell nada I just don't want you to go but it would be sooo much more

stressful for me if she goes and I don't feel emotionally prepared yet to be

able to set limits as well with her in person. Any thoughts???

-My husband, who, for the mast part, had a " normal " childhood and cannot talk to

or understand my nada due to a language barrier (my nada does not speak English)

is trying to be supportive but does not REALLY understand any of this. NADA has

watched the kids for several hours here and there when she has visited but I

have told my husband that I will NOT leave her unsupervised with the kids

anymore. Given many of the posts lately and my own " gut " this is really clear

to me. My husband is having a hard time seeing this and minimizes the possible

impact of her behavior even when I explain it. I know that at the end of the

day he will go along with it, but I would like him to understand it more. Any

books or other ways to help with this? I am thinking of having him read

" Walking on Eggshells " but not sure if there is a better idea.

OK, thanks for reading......I am so glad to have found this group!

(HUGS)

>

> Hello everyone,

>

> I have been " lurking " in this group for several weeks now - not really

commenting much but reading all of the emails and taking everything in. I just

wanted to share where I am right now and hopefully get some other perspectives

on my current situation.

>

> I am only child raised by nada and dishrag dad. I JUST recently realized that

my mother has the diagnosis of BP. Until now I have described my mother as

" difficult " but I think that I made excuses for her behavior and tried to

explain it away intellectually. I am in SHOCK of how strong my denial has been.

Oh, btw, I have been in therapy most of my adult life with the last 5 years

largely focusing on how to improve the relationship with my " mother. " I have

generally reacted to her with anger for the things she said to me and I had been

working on ways to control my own reactions (now I realize this was never going

to work and only a part of the solution). Here are is what happened recently

that I think forced me to see the truth (and I am soo very certain that my nada

has BP):

> -I am married and have two young children. During the summer I was pregnant

with my second child and my husband accepted a job across the country. The

relationship with my " mother " had improved over the years (I now believe this

was for 2 reasons (a) a little bit because of my work in therapy and ( b/c my

oldest was under 2 and essentially needy and/or dependent on adults and unable

to contradict her much. I think that for my nada the alternating between " good "

and " bad " in terms of how she treats me has to do, at least in part, with

whether she feels " needed " and appreciated / enmeshed by me. After I had a kid

she was able to help out and was generally ?nurturing dare I say? (except if she

could not get the baby to stop crying b/c of course that would reflect

negatively on her). BUT oh how things changed once my child turned two and

could express her own will!

> -So this summer my oldest had just turned two, we moved, and I had a newborn -

a stressful time without adding the nada drama. Well, in my falsely perceived

improved relationship with my nada I asked her for help during this time. She

lives several thousand miles away (it has been very clear to me that I could NOT

live in the same city). She stayed with us for about two months to help with

the newborn / moving and house hunting, returned home, then came back for

another two months to help with unpacking / settling in. What a nightmare that

was!

> -She was demanding, verbally abusive to me, and would get so easily frustrated

with my 2 year old. And the thing I always hate when I spend too much time with

her is that I become easily frustrated and hate the person I become. It usually

takes me several weeks to decompress and go back to being myself once she

leaves. This time it has been a douzy since I could no longer pretend that she

was " just difficult. "

> -I think that for me the realization that my 2 year old was now vulnerable to

her made the mask finally come off. I think by not admitting her BP to myself I

have been protecting her as I have always done, plus I think it has been painful

to admit that I will NEVER have the relationship I hoped for and dreamed of with

her. I could not admit that until now.

>

> OK, this post is getting waaay too long. I think I have sooo much to say

right now as I am finding new ways to understand my life and actually looking at

some not very nice things (to put it mildly) things in my childhood for the

first time for what they were - emotionally abusive - rather than making excuses

for them.

>

> I do have a few questions that I would love some perspective on:

>

> 1. Oh no, the holidays are coming! I have been LC since she returned home. I

have surprisingly set some limits effectively with her over the phone. (She

wanted to come back and visit this month for a week and I told her no.)

>

November 11, 2010