my 6 year old likes talking to my mother

[Guest guest]

Since Monday night, my 6 year old Ava has been calling my mother every night. At

first, I wasn't going to let her, but I thought, " ok, just this once. She really

likes talking to her on the phone. "

Ava--I suppose because she's too young to pick up on subtleties--adores my

mother. And my mother enjoys her company, too.

My concern about this relationship blossoming is:

* I can just see my mother using it to suck information out of Ava

* It took me over a year to get down to a very, very brief daily phone call with

my mother and am afraid it will now return to the way it was

* I don't want Ava revealing things best kept from Grandma

I don't know how to explain this to Ava and don't want to have her repeat what

I'm saying to my mother.

So for right now, I'm letting this roll on. I don't want to start saying to my

daughter, " you can't say this, this, or this to grandma. " My mother constantly

did that and I truly resent how much she restricted my relationships with

members of our family. I still tense up when i talk to them! I know I need to

get over it, but it's like an automatic reaction.

So, whenever they talk, I go to my room or start washing dishes or anything so

my daughter doesn't say, " mom, Grandma wants to talk to you. " So far, my mother

hasn't asked to talk to me, which is great, but that could change.

I don't know how to take it from here. Any advice??

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

This is just my opinion and I don't have children, so take that into account,

but I think that very limited, supervised contact would be much healthier for

your daughter than allowing unsupervised, frequent contact with her grandnada.

If your next door neighbor was hostile to you, angry at you or tried to harm

you, openly disrespected you, talked badly about you to other neighbors, etc.,

would you let your child go over to her house alone to play with her child?

Probably not, I'm guessing.

We have to be able to view *behaviors* objectively, no matter who the behaviors

or words are coming from.

You've said that you want zero contact with your nada because she is toxic to

you, so this will be difficult for you to stomach, but now that your child has

developed a phone relationship with grandnada, I suggest that you taper off the

contact, limit it, and supervise it.

Daily phone calls sound excessive, obsessive and unhealthy to me anyway, as

though your nada is " wooing " the child. That would raise a red flag for me.

For example, establish that there will only one call per week, then only one

call every two weeks, then only one call every month. I suggest limiting the

call to 5 minutes (using a timer) with you right there. Have the call on

speaker phone. That way you can simply interrupt if nada asks an inappropriate

question, and you're not burdening your child with having to remember what she

can and can't talk about. That's not the child's job.

I also suggest that you replace the daily phone call with grandnada with special

mommy-daughter time with your 6-year-old so that she doesn't miss the contact so

much. All children crave attention from and time with their parents and other

beloved adults, so make a point of doing something special with her at the times

she would normally phone grandnada.

Paint each other's nails, go ride bikes together, read a book together, play a

board game together, anything that she will find interesting, and encourage her

to talk with you the same way she talks with your nada.

Just my two cent's worth, to take or leave. Each of us has to figure out what

will work in our individual case, what we can tolerate, and what we can live

with.

-Annie

>

> Since Monday night, my 6 year old Ava has been calling my mother every night.

At first, I wasn't going to let her, but I thought, " ok, just this once. She

really likes talking to her on the phone. "

>

> Ava--I suppose because she's too young to pick up on subtleties--adores my

mother. And my mother enjoys her company, too.

>

> My concern about this relationship blossoming is:

> * I can just see my mother using it to suck information out of Ava

> * It took me over a year to get down to a very, very brief daily phone call

with my mother and am afraid it will now return to the way it was

> * I don't want Ava revealing things best kept from Grandma

>

> I don't know how to explain this to Ava and don't want to have her repeat what

I'm saying to my mother.

>

> So for right now, I'm letting this roll on. I don't want to start saying to my

daughter, " you can't say this, this, or this to grandma. " My mother constantly

did that and I truly resent how much she restricted my relationships with

members of our family. I still tense up when i talk to them! I know I need to

get over it, but it's like an automatic reaction.

>

> So, whenever they talk, I go to my room or start washing dishes or anything so

my daughter doesn't say, " mom, Grandma wants to talk to you. " So far, my mother

hasn't asked to talk to me, which is great, but that could change.

>

> I don't know how to take it from here. Any advice??

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

This is just my opinion and I don't have children, so take that into account,

but I think that very limited, supervised contact would be much healthier for

your daughter than allowing unsupervised, frequent contact with her grandnada.

If your next door neighbor was hostile to you, angry at you or tried to harm

you, openly disrespected you, talked badly about you to other neighbors, etc.,

would you let your child go over to her house alone to play with her child?

Probably not, I'm guessing.

We have to be able to view *behaviors* objectively, no matter who the behaviors

or words are coming from.

You've said that you want zero contact with your nada because she is toxic to

you, so this will be difficult for you to stomach, but now that your child has

developed a phone relationship with grandnada, I suggest that you taper off the

contact, limit it, and supervise it.

Daily phone calls sound excessive, obsessive and unhealthy to me anyway, as

though your nada is " wooing " the child. That would raise a red flag for me.

For example, establish that there will only one call per week, then only one

call every two weeks, then only one call every month. I suggest limiting the

call to 5 minutes (using a timer) with you right there. Have the call on

speaker phone. That way you can simply interrupt if nada asks an inappropriate

question, and you're not burdening your child with having to remember what she

can and can't talk about. That's not the child's job.

I also suggest that you replace the daily phone call with grandnada with special

mommy-daughter time with your 6-year-old so that she doesn't miss the contact so

much. All children crave attention from and time with their parents and other

beloved adults, so make a point of doing something special with her at the times

she would normally phone grandnada.

Paint each other's nails, go ride bikes together, read a book together, play a

board game together, anything that she will find interesting, and encourage her

to talk with you the same way she talks with your nada.

Just my two cent's worth, to take or leave. Each of us has to figure out what

will work in our individual case, what we can tolerate, and what we can live

with.

-Annie

>

> Since Monday night, my 6 year old Ava has been calling my mother every night.

At first, I wasn't going to let her, but I thought, " ok, just this once. She

really likes talking to her on the phone. "

>

> Ava--I suppose because she's too young to pick up on subtleties--adores my

mother. And my mother enjoys her company, too.

>

> My concern about this relationship blossoming is:

> * I can just see my mother using it to suck information out of Ava

> * It took me over a year to get down to a very, very brief daily phone call

with my mother and am afraid it will now return to the way it was

> * I don't want Ava revealing things best kept from Grandma

>

> I don't know how to explain this to Ava and don't want to have her repeat what

I'm saying to my mother.

>

> So for right now, I'm letting this roll on. I don't want to start saying to my

daughter, " you can't say this, this, or this to grandma. " My mother constantly

did that and I truly resent how much she restricted my relationships with

members of our family. I still tense up when i talk to them! I know I need to

get over it, but it's like an automatic reaction.

>

> So, whenever they talk, I go to my room or start washing dishes or anything so

my daughter doesn't say, " mom, Grandma wants to talk to you. " So far, my mother

hasn't asked to talk to me, which is great, but that could change.

>

> I don't know how to take it from here. Any advice??

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

I have four children, and I agree with pretty much everything Annie said.

Speakerphone + timer = much less stress.

I don't think you *necessarily* have to replace the attention from grandma with

the attention from someone else--even though " special " one-on-one time with a

child is important. Although a distraction (outing, video, playdate, etc.) at

the time she usually calls might do the trick for the first few days. I think

it would be a good idea to communicate with your daughter about how often you

will say yes to her request to phone her grandmother. It's okay to say " It's

fun to talk on the phone. I'm glad you enjoyed calling your grandmother this

week. But we can't call the same person every day. Let's plan to call her once

a week, " or something like that.

Also, I don't really think you need to wean your daughter to less frequent

calls. It's only been going on for a few days, and setting the boundary about

call frequency ought to do the trick. You might get a little whining at first

when you say no to a phone call, but if you're consistent she'll figure it out

(probably much better than your mother would!).

KT

>

> Since Monday night, my 6 year old Ava has been calling my mother every night.

At first, I wasn't going to let her, but I thought, " ok, just this once. She

really likes talking to her on the phone. "

>

> Ava--I suppose because she's too young to pick up on subtleties--adores my

mother. And my mother enjoys her company, too.

>

> My concern about this relationship blossoming is:

> * I can just see my mother using it to suck information out of Ava

> * It took me over a year to get down to a very, very brief daily phone call

with my mother and am afraid it will now return to the way it was

> * I don't want Ava revealing things best kept from Grandma

>

> I don't know how to explain this to Ava and don't want to have her repeat what

I'm saying to my mother.

>

> So for right now, I'm letting this roll on. I don't want to start saying to my

daughter, " you can't say this, this, or this to grandma. " My mother constantly

did that and I truly resent how much she restricted my relationships with

members of our family. I still tense up when i talk to them! I know I need to

get over it, but it's like an automatic reaction.

>

> So, whenever they talk, I go to my room or start washing dishes or anything so

my daughter doesn't say, " mom, Grandma wants to talk to you. " So far, my mother

hasn't asked to talk to me, which is great, but that could change.

>

> I don't know how to take it from here. Any advice??

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

I have four children, and I agree with pretty much everything Annie said.

Speakerphone + timer = much less stress.

I don't think you *necessarily* have to replace the attention from grandma with

the attention from someone else--even though " special " one-on-one time with a

child is important. Although a distraction (outing, video, playdate, etc.) at

the time she usually calls might do the trick for the first few days. I think

it would be a good idea to communicate with your daughter about how often you

will say yes to her request to phone her grandmother. It's okay to say " It's

fun to talk on the phone. I'm glad you enjoyed calling your grandmother this

week. But we can't call the same person every day. Let's plan to call her once

a week, " or something like that.

Also, I don't really think you need to wean your daughter to less frequent

calls. It's only been going on for a few days, and setting the boundary about

call frequency ought to do the trick. You might get a little whining at first

when you say no to a phone call, but if you're consistent she'll figure it out

(probably much better than your mother would!).

KT

>

> Since Monday night, my 6 year old Ava has been calling my mother every night.

At first, I wasn't going to let her, but I thought, " ok, just this once. She

really likes talking to her on the phone. "

>

> Ava--I suppose because she's too young to pick up on subtleties--adores my

mother. And my mother enjoys her company, too.

>

> My concern about this relationship blossoming is:

> * I can just see my mother using it to suck information out of Ava

> * It took me over a year to get down to a very, very brief daily phone call

with my mother and am afraid it will now return to the way it was

> * I don't want Ava revealing things best kept from Grandma

>

> I don't know how to explain this to Ava and don't want to have her repeat what

I'm saying to my mother.

>

> So for right now, I'm letting this roll on. I don't want to start saying to my

daughter, " you can't say this, this, or this to grandma. " My mother constantly

did that and I truly resent how much she restricted my relationships with

members of our family. I still tense up when i talk to them! I know I need to

get over it, but it's like an automatic reaction.

>

> So, whenever they talk, I go to my room or start washing dishes or anything so

my daughter doesn't say, " mom, Grandma wants to talk to you. " So far, my mother

hasn't asked to talk to me, which is great, but that could change.

>

> I don't know how to take it from here. Any advice??

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Be very cautious of a Nada with a child Fiona. Remember that BP s

split on people. Your 6 yo is having fun talking to granny and maybe

she is a sort of hero. But Nada can easily turn on her and hurt her

badly when she, being a child, bucks her on something, or exerts her

own will. Also, Nada will ALWAYS practice FOG on someone who is a

friend or family member. She may be subtly weaving that around your

daughter.

One of my daughter s went to spend a week with my mom when she was a

child. Nada took it on herself to " straighten her out. " To

understand, this daughter and I joke about her comeupance, as she now

has a very strong willed child of her own. This child would stand

defiant and let you beat her to death before she would knuckle under.

Reason , and not demands, were going to work with her. She had a

miserable week, and never wanted to be alone with nada again.

Nada had a conceit that she was great with kids, they identified with

her, and often would say very publicly that if only so and so would give

her their child to raise she would get it straight. This flabbergasted

me. My take on it was, if that is the alternative, just shoot the poor

kid. You did not " straighten out " the one you did raise, you bitch!

You screwed me up truly and thoroughly.

Later in life, when mom would visit with us, she ignored my kids and

hurt them a great deal. She would come in in a rush and flurry and make

a big deal about getting to spend some time with her " angels. " Then,

she would sleep late, till they were gone to school, leave her dog for

us to care for while she ran around all day visiting friends or training

flying monkeys, come in late after the kids had either gone to bed or

were about to, and miss them again. So in a week visit, she might

actually spend 20 minutes with her grandchildren. They DID notice how

much of a priority they were to her. After a while, they stopped even

pretending to care.

So, my advice and take on it: If you choose to let her talk to nada

that is fine. But verify. Let it be known to both her and in

particular nada that you reserve the right at any time to listen in,

with or without telling them. I would perhaps even let nada believe

that you record her conversations with your daughter. I would NOT

leave the room or go wash dishes. I would stay so I could hear at least

Ava s side of the conversation.

I would also, and this is just me, bite the bullet and talk to nada and

establish ground rules with her about her conversations and relationship

with Ava. One conversation, and make it plain that if she tries to use

Ava to manipulate you, you will pull the plug. Bounderies. I hate to

say this to you, because I don t want to hurt you, but this is a sad

fact: Ava cares for her more than she will ever care for Ava. Nothing

wrong with Ava, but nada is nada. She will disappoint Ava. She may

hurt and try to manipulate Ava.

I m not saying don t let her, but monitor it. It would not surprise me

for your nada to say to your 6 year old daughter, I just don t know

what I do do without you. You re the only one in my family who really

loves me. Your mommy is mad at me and don t like to talk to me. If I

didnt have you I just don t know what I d do.

Awful stuff to put on a 6 yo, isnt it? How many of us can say, though,

that we carried such stuff, at just as young an age.

Of course, Ava may get bored after a few weeks too.

Be careful, Fiona.

---

[Guest guest]

Wow, this sleeping til noon, diet soda and then arriving several hours late

is so familiar. I used to make an appt with nada for noon or 1 and she'd

show up at 5 and expect me to drop everything to hang out with her. That

pissed me off beyond all belief. That alone was reason enough for NC.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Later in life, when mom would visit with us, she ignored my kids and

> > hurt them a great deal. She would come in in a rush and flurry and make

> > a big deal about getting to spend some time with her " angels. " Then,

> > she would sleep late, till they were gone to school, leave her dog for

> > us to care for while she ran around all day visiting friends or training

> > flying monkeys, come in late after the kids had either gone to bed or

> > were about to, and miss them again. So in a week visit, she might

> > actually spend 20 minutes with her grandchildren. They DID notice how

> > much of a priority they were to her. After a while, they stopped even

> > pretending to care.

> >

>

> Totally what my mother does. She'll sleep until after noon and spend 2+

> hours getting ready. By the time she's dressed and styled and made up, and

> she and my dad have stopped at Sonic for their gigantic diet sodas, it's

> after 3pm when they show up. We eat dinner at 5 and start bedtime at 7, so

> by the time it's all said and done, they've driven 500+ miles to spend 3 or

> four hours max at our house. For a good chunk of that time, she's playing on

> her phone or sleeping on my sofa, so there might be an hour total of

> actually interacting with the kids. And then she'll complain that she

> doesn't get to see them enough. The kids totally sense that they're not

> really that important to her. When they were really little and they knew my

> parents were coming, they would wake up and go wait expectantly at the door.

> I tried to explain to them that Grandma has a different schedule than most

> people and that she will come in the afternoon. But eventually, one of them

> just said, " Why is Grandma always so late? Doesn't she want to play with

> us? " They know she doesn't make sense. I would ask her to wake up and

> actually spend time with them, but frankly, I don't really want the visit to

> last any longer than it already does. The kids are old enough to be in

> school now, so it's not as big a deal anymore, either.

>

> kt

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

[it would not surprise me for your nada to say to your 6 year old daughter, I

just don t know what I do do without you. You re the only one in my family who

really

loves me.]

Wow, Doug, that freaked me out when I read that. Because my mother said

something to that effect already to ME. " If Ava only knew how much good it does

me when she calls me. " With that sad sack voice she has, you know? Sigh.

I know you're all telling me truth...that, eventually, if I let Ava and my

mother start a phone relationship, it's going to blow up in my face. I still

have the stupid, unrealistic fantasies of them having an authentic, healthy

relationship. Stupid. I've already seen my mother, as you very wisely said,

Doug, push Ava away when we've visited her because Ava wasn't affectionate

enough, etc.

I'm just going to distract Ava when she asks to call my mother. " Sure, sweetie,

later...but first, want to make some cookies/go to the store/etc " ??

Thanks, everyone, for your excellent advice. Someone suggested maybe Ava just

wanted to call my mother just for the novelty of using the phone. I do think

that's mostly it. She hasn't even mentioned it, we've been so busy. So, we'll

stay busy!!

>

> Be very cautious of a Nada with a child Fiona. Remember that BP s

> split on people. Your 6 yo is having fun talking to granny and maybe

> she is a sort of hero. But Nada can easily turn on her and hurt her

> badly when she, being a child, bucks her on something, or exerts her

> own will. Also, Nada will ALWAYS practice FOG on someone who is a

> friend or family member. She may be subtly weaving that around your

> daughter.

>

> One of my daughter s went to spend a week with my mom when she was a

> child. Nada took it on herself to " straighten her out. " To

> understand, this daughter and I joke about her comeupance, as she now

> has a very strong willed child of her own. This child would stand

> defiant and let you beat her to death before she would knuckle under.

> Reason , and not demands, were going to work with her. She had a

> miserable week, and never wanted to be alone with nada again.

>

> Nada had a conceit that she was great with kids, they identified with

> her, and often would say very publicly that if only so and so would give

> her their child to raise she would get it straight. This flabbergasted

> me. My take on it was, if that is the alternative, just shoot the poor

> kid. You did not " straighten out " the one you did raise, you bitch!

> You screwed me up truly and thoroughly.

>

> Later in life, when mom would visit with us, she ignored my kids and

> hurt them a great deal. She would come in in a rush and flurry and make

> a big deal about getting to spend some time with her " angels. " Then,

> she would sleep late, till they were gone to school, leave her dog for

> us to care for while she ran around all day visiting friends or training

> flying monkeys, come in late after the kids had either gone to bed or

> were about to, and miss them again. So in a week visit, she might

> actually spend 20 minutes with her grandchildren. They DID notice how

> much of a priority they were to her. After a while, they stopped even

> pretending to care.

>

> So, my advice and take on it: If you choose to let her talk to nada

> that is fine. But verify. Let it be known to both her and in

> particular nada that you reserve the right at any time to listen in,

> with or without telling them. I would perhaps even let nada believe

> that you record her conversations with your daughter. I would NOT

> leave the room or go wash dishes. I would stay so I could hear at least

> Ava s side of the conversation.

>

> I would also, and this is just me, bite the bullet and talk to nada and

> establish ground rules with her about her conversations and relationship

> with Ava. One conversation, and make it plain that if she tries to use

> Ava to manipulate you, you will pull the plug. Bounderies. I hate to

> say this to you, because I don t want to hurt you, but this is a sad

> fact: Ava cares for her more than she will ever care for Ava. Nothing

> wrong with Ava, but nada is nada. She will disappoint Ava. She may

> hurt and try to manipulate Ava.

>

> I m not saying don t let her, but monitor it. It would not surprise me

> for your nada to say to your 6 year old daughter, I just don t know

> what I do do without you. You re the only one in my family who really

> loves me. Your mommy is mad at me and don t like to talk to me. If I

> didnt have you I just don t know what I d do.

>

> Awful stuff to put on a 6 yo, isnt it? How many of us can say, though,

> that we carried such stuff, at just as young an age.

>

> Of course, Ava may get bored after a few weeks too.

>

> Be careful, Fiona.

>

>

> ---

>