Part 2: Effect of family birth after my daughter's dramatic birth

March 17, 2006

Thanks everyone for sharing what you experienced in relation to other

babies being born by friends and family. It really has been helpful

for me to understand my feelings. I do feel compelled to share what

happened last night in relation to the birth of this same sweet little

baby, Mia.

I went to the hospital to take the new parents dinner. Mia, the new

baby has been put in the NICU for monitoring because her breathing is

a bit fast. So, everyone is very worried that something could be

wrong. Well, the grandmother of Mia, the dad's mother (not my family

member) got up and came to me as I'm holding this bag of food and

said, " You know why Kristy is so upset don't you? It's because of

Carmen. " and I felt such a sadness that Carmen was Kristy's first

thought--that perhaps her condition exaggerated the concern, and I

said, " Oh, well you know, Carmen's situation is very rare, and I'm

sure things will be fine " or something like that and then the

grandmother said, " Well, Kristy worried about it her entire

pregnancy. " Well, the tears started pouring down my face before I

knew what hit me. I just said I had to go and I left sobbing. I got

in the car and felt so sad that the thought surrounding Mia's possible

issue might be that she could be like my little Carmen--like Carmen is

such a dreaded thought to have. Intellectually I understand their

feelings, but as Carmen's mom: I LOVE my little girl, and see her as

an angel and a gift--a sweet strong soul with VALUE in the world, and

it just devastated me that she would be thought of in this way.

I would never tell my cousin that this happened, and I don't believe

this woman meant to hurt my feelings, but I think she was just

ignorant as to how her comments would feel to " Carmen's mom " . It felt

so personal. I came home and hugged my girl, and she initiated

practicing her walking again (so determined!) and I said, " Carmen, I

am lucky to have you and I am so blessed. Thank you for being in my

life, my little brave angel!!! " And I cried and cried some more!

Thanks to all of you--without this list I would feel so alone. You

understand that while we can be sad for our kids that they've had to

endure what they have, we LOVE them and would never want them out of

our worlds. Thank you, thank you!

B, proud and fortunate mom to Zachary 4.5 years and Carmen 20

months (CHARGE)

>

> Dear -

>

> I have had this happen to me several times since 's birth -

each time

> unexpected, each time more intense than the last. For me, I see it as

> unprocessed grief - grief that I didn't allow myself time for

because it is

> how I managed to deal with things that needed taking care of at the

time -

> or grief that I had accepted certain qualifications to my CHARGE

son's life,

> and then to have them surpassed beyond my wildest dreams. Or dreams that

> came true that I never knew I had not allowed myself to dare

dream... and

> the grief that goes with that.

>

> Bless and love your heart for all it does to make this time whole....to

> accept what is and to make good of it, no matter what.

>

> love and hugs-

>

> yuka

>

> Effect of family birth after my daughter's

dramatic birth

>

> > Not sure if other's have experienced this, but the other night, I got

> > a call that my cousin was in labor with her baby. She has asked me to

> > be the Godparent for her little girl, and I had all along planned to

> > be at the hospital for the birth (my family is large, and we all sit

> > vigil while someone is having a new family member!) At any rate, I

> > was on my way to the hospital (alone) and all of a sudden just started

> > crying such a deep emotional cry--I honestly was surprised at myself.

> > I think I must have been grieving the happy birth process that I

> > didn't have with Carmen, who was born so tiny, not breathing, and gray

> > in color. I don't think I've really ever cried out since her birth,

> > as I'm very action oriented and have been so focused on all of her

> > needs. The reaction I had to my cousin's birth process really hit me

> > hard--it was like I finally realized how sad I was that I didn't have

> > a joyous moment for my daughter when she arrived. I think it provided

> > some closure, really. Anyone else have this happen?

> >

> > B. mom to Zachary 4.5 years and Carmen 20 months (CHARGE)

>

March 17, 2006

You know, Aubrie is my only girl and there is some sadness in thinking of

some mother-daughter things we may never share -- like if she can't have

children of her own. But there are huge pluses. She will never be a catty,

b****y girl. It's just not in her nature. There are lots of silver linings

to having her just the way she is. So I delight in them and ignore the

other stuff. There's really not that much that we're " missing " -- we do all

the same things we'd do otherwise -- we just may do them differently. So

maybe you could reply with a silver lining of your own and the fact that you

have all the love and relationship of any mother-daughter -- even more

intense.

Michele W

mom to Aubrie 8 yrs CHARGE, 14 yrs and wife to DJ

March 17, 2006