Re: A coping technique called Medium Chill

December 28, 2010

I know what you mean. But remember knowledge is power.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

December 28, 2010

I know what you mean. But remember knowledge is power.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

December 28, 2010

I worked for a couple of years on " Medium Chill " (didn't know to call it that

though) but found that Nada simply upped the ante on her behavior until she

managed to get me to really explode a couple of times. Those were the final

straws.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> > >

> > > Stargazer writes:

> > >

> > > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> > >

> > > Medium chill:

> > > When they lash out - show no anger

> > > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> > >

> > > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries.

Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of

giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> > >

> > > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> > >

> > > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> > >

> > > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> > >

> > > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> > >

> > > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find

your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so

many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> > >

> > > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> > >

> > > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> > >

> > > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well,

if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> > >

> > > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully

transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> > >

> > > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> > >

> > > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one

meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium

chill. There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you

that they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family

member; it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> > >

> > > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If

they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going

to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> > >

> > > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic.

We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on

the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> > >

> > > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> > >

> > > ~ Stargazer "

> > >

> > > *****

> > >

> > > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so

that nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> > >

> > > -Annie

> > >

> >

December 28, 2010

Finding out for ourselves what works and what doesn't work for each of us is

what this journey is about. Its such a personal process involving very personal

choices; there isn't any one right way or one best way to handle it.

I experienced what other KOs have described here: the total shut-down of all

emotions globally when I was severely depressed. One time that happened due to

a bad work situation and it happened again after spending 3 months living with

my nada 24/7 in order to take care of her before and after a major operation,

back when I was still very emotionally enmeshed with my nada, before I knew

about personality disorders or about any coping techniques. In those two

situations it was as though I turned into the walking dead. I became an

emotionless zombie and it wasn't my choice. It felt like I had no control in

those instances. NOT good.

All your emotions globally shutting down is not what " Medium Chill " is about,

but if that's what the *result* is for you if you use it, or if utilizing it

causes you grief or hardship in other ways, then, that's not the coping

technique for you.

Each of us has to find what works for us, discover what we can tolerate and

can't tolerate, and learn what brings us the most peace and healing and success

RE dealing with our nadas, including how much if any contact to have with her.

For me, its No Contact. I'm in the process of letting go of expectations that

my nada can or will change, I am coming to realize and accept that underneath it

all my own mother actually feels contempt, resentment and mistrust for me, and

that continuing to expose myself to that toxicity is guaranteed to bring me more

abuse, trauma and harm.

My own emotional health is at stake now, and I choose self-preservation.

My Sister and I will not let our mother starve or go homeless or go without

medical care for humanitarian reasons, but at the same time we no longer feel

obligated or responsible for our nada's *feelings* and will no longer make

ourselves available for her abuse.

Others here find different paths, and that's cool too.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I

have was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of

sites over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors

and indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> > > >

> > > > Stargazer writes:

> > > >

> > > > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to

deal with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by

a friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> > > >

> > > > Medium chill:

> > > > When they lash out - show no anger

> > > > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> > > >

> > > > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > > > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries.

Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of

giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> > > >

> > > > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > > > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> > > >

> > > > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > > > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> > > >

> > > > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> > > >

> > > > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> > > >

> > > > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > > > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find

your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so

many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> > > >

> > > > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> > > >

> > > > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> > > >

> > > > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well,

if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> > > >

> > > > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully

transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> > > >

> > > > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner

turmoil by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If

they're upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I

swear, as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother

rather quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies

there. I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her

inner pain by making me feel pain too.

> > > >

> > > > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one

meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium

chill. There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you

that they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family

member; it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> > > >

> > > > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If

they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going

to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> > > >

> > > > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic.

We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on

the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> > > >

> > > > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> > > >

> > > > ~ Stargazer "

> > > >

> > > > *****

> > > >

> > > > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so

that nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> > > >

> > > > -Annie

> > > >

> > >

December 28, 2010