Re: A coping technique called Medium Chill

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie for that great post. Very interesting.

Kazam x

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie for that great post. Very interesting.

Kazam x

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie for that great post. Very interesting.

Kazam x

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I really like this. It's spells it out, step by step. I've tried to treat my

nada as I would a neighbor, nod my head when appropriate, be polite but not too

involved. I won't do anything to hurt her but I don't want to get close either.

Most of the time that helps.

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I like the example of treating nada like a polite neighbor. It really

illustrates it well. I think I've naturally developed a defense mechanism

similar to medium chill, but mine's not foolproof. I've got the placid, stoic,

calm down- I can do that, sometimes even when fuming inside. But the pleasant,

not so much. I just look bored, and then nada gets offended that I'm not

reacting appropriately. Working on the pleasant part, starting today.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I like the example of treating nada like a polite neighbor. It really

illustrates it well. I think I've naturally developed a defense mechanism

similar to medium chill, but mine's not foolproof. I've got the placid, stoic,

calm down- I can do that, sometimes even when fuming inside. But the pleasant,

not so much. I just look bored, and then nada gets offended that I'm not

reacting appropriately. Working on the pleasant part, starting today.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I like the example of treating nada like a polite neighbor. It really

illustrates it well. I think I've naturally developed a defense mechanism

similar to medium chill, but mine's not foolproof. I've got the placid, stoic,

calm down- I can do that, sometimes even when fuming inside. But the pleasant,

not so much. I just look bored, and then nada gets offended that I'm not

reacting appropriately. Working on the pleasant part, starting today.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie,

You have saved me once again. I have been beating my head against the wall

trying to figure out how to handle fada's delayed and now rescheduled trip.

Medium Chill

This will work beautifully. Ideal for those of us in LC.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie,

You have saved me once again. I have been beating my head against the wall

trying to figure out how to handle fada's delayed and now rescheduled trip.

Medium Chill

This will work beautifully. Ideal for those of us in LC.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie,

You have saved me once again. I have been beating my head against the wall

trying to figure out how to handle fada's delayed and now rescheduled trip.

Medium Chill

This will work beautifully. Ideal for those of us in LC.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

[so, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached]

wow, Annie, this technique describes me perfectly in relating to my mother. For

me, it's been more of a defense mechanism. If I show happiness/kindness, she'd

say something like " what's the big deal? " or " why are you making that stupid

face? " If I get upset at something she said, I'd just be giving her what she

wanted.

So I learned to not show any reaction or emotion. In fact, the more unhinged

she gets, the flatter I get. By the end of our visit/phone call, I end up quite

the zombie! Oh well, as long as I can get through it.

thanks for sharing this!

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

this explains my demeanor to a T...I've become a Medium chill expert... but I

find that it has spilled into my psyche...because at times I feel emotionally

detached or zombie-like at times with my own friends or family where I should

show emotions, vulnerability, exuberance, etc.

this borderline stuff is far reaching, even farther than we can ever

realize...and I know that it affects my other healthy relationships as well.

a real burden...

i remember the time when i could just feel things without having them twisted

first. it was a very long time ago.

one day, i hope to get back to that freer simpler time in my thinking that

allows me to experience my thoughts and people in a true way...not twisted thru

the maze of borderline.

amy

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

[so, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached]

wow, Annie, this technique describes me perfectly in relating to my mother. For

me, it's been more of a defense mechanism. If I show happiness/kindness, she'd

say something like " what's the big deal? " or " why are you making that stupid

face? " If I get upset at something she said, I'd just be giving her what she

wanted.

So I learned to not show any reaction or emotion. In fact, the more unhinged

she gets, the flatter I get. By the end of our visit/phone call, I end up quite

the zombie! Oh well, as long as I can get through it.

thanks for sharing this!

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

this explains my demeanor to a T...I've become a Medium chill expert... but I

find that it has spilled into my psyche...because at times I feel emotionally

detached or zombie-like at times with my own friends or family where I should

show emotions, vulnerability, exuberance, etc.

this borderline stuff is far reaching, even farther than we can ever

realize...and I know that it affects my other healthy relationships as well.

a real burden...

i remember the time when i could just feel things without having them twisted

first. it was a very long time ago.

one day, i hope to get back to that freer simpler time in my thinking that

allows me to experience my thoughts and people in a true way...not twisted thru

the maze of borderline.

amy

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

[so, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached]

wow, Annie, this technique describes me perfectly in relating to my mother. For

me, it's been more of a defense mechanism. If I show happiness/kindness, she'd

say something like " what's the big deal? " or " why are you making that stupid

face? " If I get upset at something she said, I'd just be giving her what she

wanted.

So I learned to not show any reaction or emotion. In fact, the more unhinged

she gets, the flatter I get. By the end of our visit/phone call, I end up quite

the zombie! Oh well, as long as I can get through it.

thanks for sharing this!

>

> I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have was

posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites over

the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

>

> Stargazer writes:

>

> " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

>

> Medium chill:

> When they lash out - show no anger

> When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

>

> Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

>

> Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

> When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

>

> It's about more than just boundaries.

> To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

>

> (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

>

> (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

>

> (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

>

> Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then

by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

>

> Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

>

> Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

>

> If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

>

> If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was

no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by

making me feel pain too.

>

> Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

>

> It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

>

> ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

>

> ~ Stargazer "

>

> *****

>

> So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This thread reminds me of a quote in one of the articles I read recently

(been reading up about cults/brainwashing/etc lately)

" The Only Hope of Immunity

The only hope of attending such gatherings without being affected is to be a

Buddha and allow no positive or negative emotions to surface. Few people are

capable of such detachment. "

http://educate-yourself.org/cn/fundamentalistbrainwashing06jun05.shtml

>

>

> this explains my demeanor to a T...I've become a Medium chill expert... but

> I find that it has spilled into my psyche...because at times I feel

> emotionally detached or zombie-like at times with my own friends or family

> where I should show emotions, vulnerability, exuberance, etc.

>

> this borderline stuff is far reaching, even farther than we can ever

> realize...and I know that it affects my other healthy relationships as well.

>

> a real burden...

> i remember the time when i could just feel things without having them

> twisted first. it was a very long time ago.

> one day, i hope to get back to that freer simpler time in my thinking that

> allows me to experience my thoughts and people in a true way...not twisted

> thru the maze of borderline.

> amy

>

> Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

>

> [so, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached]

>

> wow, Annie, this technique describes me perfectly in relating to my mother.

> For me, it's been more of a defense mechanism. If I show happiness/kindness,

> she'd say something like " what's the big deal? " or " why are you making that

> stupid face? " If I get upset at something she said, I'd just be giving her

> what she wanted.

>

> So I learned to not show any reaction or emotion. In fact, the more

> unhinged she gets, the flatter I get. By the end of our visit/phone call, I

> end up quite the zombie! Oh well, as long as I can get through it.

>

> thanks for sharing this!

>

>

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I

> have was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple

> of sites over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting

> behaviors and indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to

> deal with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to

> me by a friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

> your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries.

> Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of

> giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to

> them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

> ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

> practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've

> had some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

> Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

> for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

> introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

> little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something

> more that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's

> a bit late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be

> particularly eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

> compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention--

> while NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find

> your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like

> so many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

> Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

> have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

> sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

> when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

> healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well,

> if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do

> you think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line

> of eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully

> transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner

> turmoil by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If

> they're upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved.

> I swear, as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD

> mother rather quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn

> her energies there. I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got

> relief from her inner pain by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one

> meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into

> medium chill. There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker

> than you that they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed

> family member; it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If

> they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're

> going to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off

> onto someone else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic.

> We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week

> on the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other

> physical actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so

> that nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

This thread reminds me of a quote in one of the articles I read recently

(been reading up about cults/brainwashing/etc lately)

" The Only Hope of Immunity

The only hope of attending such gatherings without being affected is to be a

Buddha and allow no positive or negative emotions to surface. Few people are

capable of such detachment. "

http://educate-yourself.org/cn/fundamentalistbrainwashing06jun05.shtml

>

>

> this explains my demeanor to a T...I've become a Medium chill expert... but

> I find that it has spilled into my psyche...because at times I feel

> emotionally detached or zombie-like at times with my own friends or family

> where I should show emotions, vulnerability, exuberance, etc.

>

> this borderline stuff is far reaching, even farther than we can ever

> realize...and I know that it affects my other healthy relationships as well.

>

> a real burden...

> i remember the time when i could just feel things without having them

> twisted first. it was a very long time ago.

> one day, i hope to get back to that freer simpler time in my thinking that

> allows me to experience my thoughts and people in a true way...not twisted

> thru the maze of borderline.

> amy

>

> Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

>

> [so, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached]

>

> wow, Annie, this technique describes me perfectly in relating to my mother.

> For me, it's been more of a defense mechanism. If I show happiness/kindness,

> she'd say something like " what's the big deal? " or " why are you making that

> stupid face? " If I get upset at something she said, I'd just be giving her

> what she wanted.

>

> So I learned to not show any reaction or emotion. In fact, the more

> unhinged she gets, the flatter I get. By the end of our visit/phone call, I

> end up quite the zombie! Oh well, as long as I can get through it.

>

> thanks for sharing this!

>

>

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I

> have was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple

> of sites over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting

> behaviors and indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to

> deal with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to

> me by a friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

> your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries.

> Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of

> giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to

> them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

> ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

> practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've

> had some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

> Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

> for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

> introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

> little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something

> more that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's

> a bit late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be

> particularly eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

> compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention--

> while NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find

> your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like

> so many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

> Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

> have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

> sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

> when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

> healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well,

> if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do

> you think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line

> of eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully

> transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner

> turmoil by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If

> they're upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved.

> I swear, as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD

> mother rather quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn

> her energies there. I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got

> relief from her inner pain by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one

> meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into

> medium chill. There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker

> than you that they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed

> family member; it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If

> they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're

> going to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off

> onto someone else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic.

> We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week

> on the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other

> physical actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so

> that nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

This thread reminds me of a quote in one of the articles I read recently

(been reading up about cults/brainwashing/etc lately)

" The Only Hope of Immunity

The only hope of attending such gatherings without being affected is to be a

Buddha and allow no positive or negative emotions to surface. Few people are

capable of such detachment. "

http://educate-yourself.org/cn/fundamentalistbrainwashing06jun05.shtml

>

>

> this explains my demeanor to a T...I've become a Medium chill expert... but

> I find that it has spilled into my psyche...because at times I feel

> emotionally detached or zombie-like at times with my own friends or family

> where I should show emotions, vulnerability, exuberance, etc.

>

> this borderline stuff is far reaching, even farther than we can ever

> realize...and I know that it affects my other healthy relationships as well.

>

> a real burden...

> i remember the time when i could just feel things without having them

> twisted first. it was a very long time ago.

> one day, i hope to get back to that freer simpler time in my thinking that

> allows me to experience my thoughts and people in a true way...not twisted

> thru the maze of borderline.

> amy

>

> Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

>

> [so, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached]

>

> wow, Annie, this technique describes me perfectly in relating to my mother.

> For me, it's been more of a defense mechanism. If I show happiness/kindness,

> she'd say something like " what's the big deal? " or " why are you making that

> stupid face? " If I get upset at something she said, I'd just be giving her

> what she wanted.

>

> So I learned to not show any reaction or emotion. In fact, the more

> unhinged she gets, the flatter I get. By the end of our visit/phone call, I

> end up quite the zombie! Oh well, as long as I can get through it.

>

> thanks for sharing this!

>

>

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I

> have was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple

> of sites over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting

> behaviors and indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to

> deal with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to

> me by a friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

> your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries.

> Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of

> giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to

> them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

> ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

> practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've

> had some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

> Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

> for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

> introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

> little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something

> more that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's

> a bit late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be

> particularly eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

> compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention--

> while NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find

> your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like

> so many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

> Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

> have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

> sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

> when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

> healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well,

> if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do

> you think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line

> of eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully

> transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner

> turmoil by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If

> they're upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved.

> I swear, as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD

> mother rather quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn

> her energies there. I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got

> relief from her inner pain by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one

> meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into

> medium chill. There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker

> than you that they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed

> family member; it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

>

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If

> they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're

> going to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off

> onto someone else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic.

> We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week

> on the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other

> physical actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so

> that nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh! Huge light bulb moment here! This explains why people in my family

nick named me The Wooden Indian because my face is often completely blank. This

is one of those incredible realizations I get from being part of this community.

It's startling but so helpful and necessary. Thank you for discussing this

topic. Knock me over with a feather. I've worked on getting rid of my " wooden "

face for so long and never linked it. Thank you again.

Tag

ps-truly sitting here stunned on the couch.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh! Huge light bulb moment here! This explains why people in my family

nick named me The Wooden Indian because my face is often completely blank. This

is one of those incredible realizations I get from being part of this community.

It's startling but so helpful and necessary. Thank you for discussing this

topic. Knock me over with a feather. I've worked on getting rid of my " wooden "

face for so long and never linked it. Thank you again.

Tag

ps-truly sitting here stunned on the couch.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh! Huge light bulb moment here! This explains why people in my family

nick named me The Wooden Indian because my face is often completely blank. This

is one of those incredible realizations I get from being part of this community.

It's startling but so helpful and necessary. Thank you for discussing this

topic. Knock me over with a feather. I've worked on getting rid of my " wooden "

face for so long and never linked it. Thank you again.

Tag

ps-truly sitting here stunned on the couch.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona!

I always have a veil of composure over everything!

I am very even-tempered and balanced all the time.

I control my atmosphere by balancing everything and leveling the playing field.

I hate it!!!

I want to laugh my head off, cry like I mean it, feel anger like fire...feel

joy.

But I am numb lots of the time...one day, I hope to get my emotions back.

Amy

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona!

I always have a veil of composure over everything!

I am very even-tempered and balanced all the time.

I control my atmosphere by balancing everything and leveling the playing field.

I hate it!!!

I want to laugh my head off, cry like I mean it, feel anger like fire...feel

joy.

But I am numb lots of the time...one day, I hope to get my emotions back.

Amy

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona!

I always have a veil of composure over everything!

I am very even-tempered and balanced all the time.

I control my atmosphere by balancing everything and leveling the playing field.

I hate it!!!

I want to laugh my head off, cry like I mean it, feel anger like fire...feel

joy.

But I am numb lots of the time...one day, I hope to get my emotions back.

Amy

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

kippmail...i am also stunned at this revelation.

I hate learning new things about the effects of this stupid disorder.

But they make a lot of sense.

Amy

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean. But remember knowledge is power.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: A coping technique called " Medium Chill "

Amy -- YES. I was thinking that as well after I posted about " Medium Chili. "

About how I can be like that -- flat -- in almost ALL my relationships, like

it's just a way of dealing I've grown accustomed to, unfortunately.

It feels unnatural to show emotion.

> >

> > I'm not sure where this technique came from originally but the copy I have

was posted by someone called " Stargazer " . I've run into it at a couple of sites

over the years. Its a tool for handling the kinds of projecting behaviors and

indirect insults our nadas tend to do to us:

> >

> > Stargazer writes:

> >

> > " I was just brushing up on a technique that I'll need this weekend to deal

with a BPD relative. It's called " Medium chill " , and it was taught to me by a

friend whose mother suffers from BPD.

> >

> > Medium chill:

> > When they lash out - show no anger

> > When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

> >

> > Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate

your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

> > Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium

chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them

the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

> >

> > Medium Chill is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their

ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of

practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had

some great success using this.

> > When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited

Contact. They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already

for a very long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also

introduced me to the concept of medium chill, though I must admit it took a

little while and practice for to " get it " that Medium Chill is something more

that taps into the psyche and become the Medium Chill Zen Master. It's a bit

late here and I'm more than a touch tired, so I might not be particularly

eloquent as I type this tonight....

> >

> > It's about more than just boundaries.

> > To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

> >

> > (1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

> >

> > (2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

> >

> > (attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two

> > Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your

hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many

BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

> >

> > Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her?

Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they

have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

> >

> > Are you unwittingly giving them the roadmap to figure out what you're

sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset

when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a

healthy adult?

> >

> > Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

> >

> > If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer

the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

> >

> > If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil

by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're

upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear,

as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather

quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there.

I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain

by making me feel pain too.

> >

> > Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting

with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill.

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member;

it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

> >

> > Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they

come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to

turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone

else?

> >

> > It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed up BPD dynamic. We

often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the

phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical

actions of restraint...

> >

> > ... " Medium chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

> >

> > ~ Stargazer "

> >

> > *****

> >

> > So, its about becoming pleasant but boring and emotionally detached so that

nada can't push any button of yours, ever again. Sounds good to me!

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>