Re: suicide

[Guest guest]

Em, Of someone who tried to end her own agony two years ago this coming

October, I for one appreciate your post. Thank you, and I'll pray that your

heart will heal soon and your mind will on some level, forget. Thanks again,

Shay

Join my new Diabetic Recipes group @

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipes4Diabetes

God Bless You All, Shay/Shalynn and the rescue gang;

Max, Samson I, Samson II, Walter, Bogie, Jake, Ralph, Curly (Tazz),

Sebastian, Tina Marie, Bear & Zeuss

[Guest guest]

Em, Of someone who tried to end her own agony two years ago this coming

October, I for one appreciate your post. Thank you, and I'll pray that your

heart will heal soon and your mind will on some level, forget. Thanks again,

Shay

Join my new Diabetic Recipes group @

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipes4Diabetes

God Bless You All, Shay/Shalynn and the rescue gang;

Max, Samson I, Samson II, Walter, Bogie, Jake, Ralph, Curly (Tazz),

Sebastian, Tina Marie, Bear & Zeuss

[Guest guest]

Em, Of someone who tried to end her own agony two years ago this coming

October, I for one appreciate your post. Thank you, and I'll pray that your

heart will heal soon and your mind will on some level, forget. Thanks again,

Shay

Join my new Diabetic Recipes group @

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipes4Diabetes

God Bless You All, Shay/Shalynn and the rescue gang;

Max, Samson I, Samson II, Walter, Bogie, Jake, Ralph, Curly (Tazz),

Sebastian, Tina Marie, Bear & Zeuss

[Guest guest]

I have thought of suicide many many countless times

during the last 34 years (which is how long I have

been ill) and for the first 20 years, I didn't do it

because I was afraid to. In the last 14 years I have

not done it because I realize now that it is a selfish

act. I have a daughter and I have to think of her and

her future. She is my responsibility whether I am

suffering or not. Yes, we should all think of our

loved ones when we contemplate suicide no matter how

badly we are hurting.

~Lynne

> There are no words that could adequately convey the

> agony her family was

> enduring. The room echoed with screams, with pleas

> to God of why? why her?

> what happened? Questions no one but the victim

> could possibly answer, and

> it's very likely she didn't know, either. Only that

> she was a teenager in

> pain, and suicide seemed like the answer.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I have thought of suicide many many countless times

during the last 34 years (which is how long I have

been ill) and for the first 20 years, I didn't do it

because I was afraid to. In the last 14 years I have

not done it because I realize now that it is a selfish

act. I have a daughter and I have to think of her and

her future. She is my responsibility whether I am

suffering or not. Yes, we should all think of our

loved ones when we contemplate suicide no matter how

badly we are hurting.

~Lynne

> There are no words that could adequately convey the

> agony her family was

> enduring. The room echoed with screams, with pleas

> to God of why? why her?

> what happened? Questions no one but the victim

> could possibly answer, and

> it's very likely she didn't know, either. Only that

> she was a teenager in

> pain, and suicide seemed like the answer.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I have thought of suicide many many countless times

during the last 34 years (which is how long I have

been ill) and for the first 20 years, I didn't do it

because I was afraid to. In the last 14 years I have

not done it because I realize now that it is a selfish

act. I have a daughter and I have to think of her and

her future. She is my responsibility whether I am

suffering or not. Yes, we should all think of our

loved ones when we contemplate suicide no matter how

badly we are hurting.

~Lynne

> There are no words that could adequately convey the

> agony her family was

> enduring. The room echoed with screams, with pleas

> to God of why? why her?

> what happened? Questions no one but the victim

> could possibly answer, and

> it's very likely she didn't know, either. Only that

> she was a teenager in

> pain, and suicide seemed like the answer.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad that you wrote what you did as perhaps it

may touch the lives of many who read it and realise

how precious a gift of life we have been given and to

take that gift and destroy it we are throwing back the

gift in God's face and destroying the lives of those

who love us with the pain and anguish we can cause.

How could anyone be angry at what you wrote as it

needed to be said and hopefully touch the lives of

many.

God Bless

Lorraine UK

--- janissa@... wrote:

<HR>

<html><body>

<tt>

<BR>

<BR>

I work in both emergency rooms at a big

hospital. & nbsp; Last night I hit the <BR>

door button for the EMS guys, bringing in a

patient. & nbsp; They were doing CPR <BR>

on her, and that's always hard to watch.<BR>

<BR>

Then I discovered she was a suicide. & nbsp; It wasn't

the first suicide I've seen <BR>

since working at the hospital. & nbsp; We get overdoses,

self-inflicted gunshot <BR>

wounds -- nothing that would surprise anyone with ER

experience.<BR>

<BR>

But this one was different for me. & nbsp; I was working

in the pediatric <BR>

emergency room, and the victim was a 13-year-old

girl.<BR>

<BR>

There are no words that could adequately convey the

agony her family was <BR>

enduring. & nbsp; The room echoed with screams, with

pleas to God of why? why her? <BR>

what happened? & nbsp; Questions no one but the victim

could possibly answer, and <BR>

it's very likely she didn't know, either. & nbsp; Only

that she was a teenager in <BR>

pain, and suicide seemed like the answer.<BR>

<BR>

But the method she chose was hanging, by her own belt

in her bedroom. & nbsp; And <BR>

when she let go, her neck didn't break. & nbsp; She

strangled instead, <BR>

slowly. & nbsp; And it doesn't take too much imagination

to believe that she <BR>

probably changed her mind about wanting to die, when

the agony of <BR>

suffocation began. & nbsp; She'd done a good job,

though; she ran out of air <BR>

before she could free herself.<BR>

<BR>

Last night I saw what suicide does to families. & nbsp;

These people are <BR>

irrevocably changed. & nbsp; And even if she left a note

and they finally know <BR>

why, the ER staff will never know. & nbsp; All we will

ever know is that a <BR>

beautiful young girl took her own life, and there was

no one who stopped <BR>

her -- no one who saw the signs, no one to say if

there were any signs.<BR>

<BR>

Listening to a mother's shrieks of horror and pain and

unfathomable grief, <BR>

I realized what a selfish act suicide ultimately

is. & nbsp; It is not that the <BR>

pain and the impulse to end that pain do not

exist. & nbsp; They do -- I've <BR>

experienced both myself, and more than once. & nbsp; But

the loved ones of that <BR>

person are injured in ways that defy

categorization. & nbsp; I don't blame <BR>

suicides for wanting to end their pain, or even for

succeeding in ending <BR>

their own lives. & nbsp; But I wept for a long time last

night for the family of <BR>

this girl. & nbsp; If only someone could have stepped

in. & nbsp; If only someone could <BR>

have seen, or suspected, or arrived early enough to

save her.<BR>

<BR>

But no one did. & nbsp; And in the end, that's all I

know. & nbsp; I don't know why, I <BR>

don't know anything else but that no one did.<BR>

<BR>

Suicide seems like the answer sometimes. & nbsp; And for

the person committing <BR>

suicide, that choice seems right. & nbsp; It's only when

you consider the <BR>

trickle-down effect on that person's family, friends,

community, school, <BR>

church, that you begin to see that the damage only

begins with the <BR>

victim. & nbsp; The repercussions are tremendous, and

irrevocable.<BR>

<BR>

When I feel depressed, saddened, tired of living and

contemplate ending my <BR>

own life -- and it happens far more often than I even

want to admit -- I <BR>

think about my parents. & nbsp; I think about my

mother's anguish, my father's <BR>

agony. & nbsp; And then I think of my friends, and the

fact that they will not see <BR>

me again, and that they will not ever understand, or

lose the grief begun <BR>

by my choice. & nbsp; And then suddenly I see beyond all

that, to the fact that <BR>

life is precious, that too often life is ended cruelly

or early, by <BR>

accident or disease, and even though we have the right

to make the decision <BR>

when to end our lives, we do not exist in a

vacuum. & nbsp; Our decision affects <BR>

more people than we could possibly ever know.<BR>

<BR>

If I made anyone angry with this post, I

apologize. & nbsp; But I woke this <BR>

morning with eyes swollen nearly shut from weeping,

and my first thought <BR>

was of this girl's family, and how they will never,

ever be the same <BR>

again. & nbsp; And I wonder about myself, whether or not

this physical and <BR>

emotional pain of FM, of misunderstanding by people,

of enduring something <BR>

that hurts me every day, will ever drive me to finally

do the same thing.<BR>

<BR>

I hope not. & nbsp; Because it may be over for me, but

my pain will only have been <BR>

thrust upon others, and that is something I have no

wish to happen.<BR>

<BR>

Saddened,<BR>

Em<BR>

<BR>

</tt>

<br>

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[Guest guest]

I'm so glad that you wrote what you did as perhaps it

may touch the lives of many who read it and realise

how precious a gift of life we have been given and to

take that gift and destroy it we are throwing back the

gift in God's face and destroying the lives of those

who love us with the pain and anguish we can cause.

How could anyone be angry at what you wrote as it

needed to be said and hopefully touch the lives of

many.

God Bless

Lorraine UK

--- janissa@... wrote:

<HR>

<html><body>

<tt>

<BR>

<BR>

I work in both emergency rooms at a big

hospital. & nbsp; Last night I hit the <BR>

door button for the EMS guys, bringing in a

patient. & nbsp; They were doing CPR <BR>

on her, and that's always hard to watch.<BR>

<BR>

Then I discovered she was a suicide. & nbsp; It wasn't

the first suicide I've seen <BR>

since working at the hospital. & nbsp; We get overdoses,

self-inflicted gunshot <BR>

wounds -- nothing that would surprise anyone with ER

experience.<BR>

<BR>

But this one was different for me. & nbsp; I was working

in the pediatric <BR>

emergency room, and the victim was a 13-year-old

girl.<BR>

<BR>

There are no words that could adequately convey the

agony her family was <BR>

enduring. & nbsp; The room echoed with screams, with

pleas to God of why? why her? <BR>

what happened? & nbsp; Questions no one but the victim

could possibly answer, and <BR>

it's very likely she didn't know, either. & nbsp; Only

that she was a teenager in <BR>

pain, and suicide seemed like the answer.<BR>

<BR>

But the method she chose was hanging, by her own belt

in her bedroom. & nbsp; And <BR>

when she let go, her neck didn't break. & nbsp; She

strangled instead, <BR>

slowly. & nbsp; And it doesn't take too much imagination

to believe that she <BR>

probably changed her mind about wanting to die, when

the agony of <BR>

suffocation began. & nbsp; She'd done a good job,

though; she ran out of air <BR>

before she could free herself.<BR>

<BR>

Last night I saw what suicide does to families. & nbsp;

These people are <BR>

irrevocably changed. & nbsp; And even if she left a note

and they finally know <BR>

why, the ER staff will never know. & nbsp; All we will

ever know is that a <BR>

beautiful young girl took her own life, and there was

no one who stopped <BR>

her -- no one who saw the signs, no one to say if

there were any signs.<BR>

<BR>

Listening to a mother's shrieks of horror and pain and

unfathomable grief, <BR>

I realized what a selfish act suicide ultimately

is. & nbsp; It is not that the <BR>

pain and the impulse to end that pain do not

exist. & nbsp; They do -- I've <BR>

experienced both myself, and more than once. & nbsp; But

the loved ones of that <BR>

person are injured in ways that defy

categorization. & nbsp; I don't blame <BR>

suicides for wanting to end their pain, or even for

succeeding in ending <BR>

their own lives. & nbsp; But I wept for a long time last

night for the family of <BR>

this girl. & nbsp; If only someone could have stepped

in. & nbsp; If only someone could <BR>

have seen, or suspected, or arrived early enough to

save her.<BR>

<BR>

But no one did. & nbsp; And in the end, that's all I

know. & nbsp; I don't know why, I <BR>

don't know anything else but that no one did.<BR>

<BR>

Suicide seems like the answer sometimes. & nbsp; And for

the person committing <BR>

suicide, that choice seems right. & nbsp; It's only when

you consider the <BR>

trickle-down effect on that person's family, friends,

community, school, <BR>

church, that you begin to see that the damage only

begins with the <BR>

victim. & nbsp; The repercussions are tremendous, and

irrevocable.<BR>

<BR>

When I feel depressed, saddened, tired of living and

contemplate ending my <BR>

own life -- and it happens far more often than I even

want to admit -- I <BR>

think about my parents. & nbsp; I think about my

mother's anguish, my father's <BR>

agony. & nbsp; And then I think of my friends, and the

fact that they will not see <BR>

me again, and that they will not ever understand, or

lose the grief begun <BR>

by my choice. & nbsp; And then suddenly I see beyond all

that, to the fact that <BR>

life is precious, that too often life is ended cruelly

or early, by <BR>

accident or disease, and even though we have the right

to make the decision <BR>

when to end our lives, we do not exist in a

vacuum. & nbsp; Our decision affects <BR>

more people than we could possibly ever know.<BR>

<BR>

If I made anyone angry with this post, I

apologize. & nbsp; But I woke this <BR>

morning with eyes swollen nearly shut from weeping,

and my first thought <BR>

was of this girl's family, and how they will never,

ever be the same <BR>

again. & nbsp; And I wonder about myself, whether or not

this physical and <BR>

emotional pain of FM, of misunderstanding by people,

of enduring something <BR>

that hurts me every day, will ever drive me to finally

do the same thing.<BR>

<BR>

I hope not. & nbsp; Because it may be over for me, but

my pain will only have been <BR>

thrust upon others, and that is something I have no

wish to happen.<BR>

<BR>

Saddened,<BR>

Em<BR>

<BR>

</tt>

<br>

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color=#003399><b>

[Guest guest]

Em, my heart aches for you. I hope that time will start to heal that

hurt. It's not one that goes away easily.

My sister told me, in conversations after her second attempt, that it's a

completely selfish thing. She said that she didn't even begin to

consider the people who would be left behind, that she only knew her pain

at that moment. It was hard for her to say that, because she couldn't

convey the thought that it wasn't a callous disregard for others, it was

just the complete absence of anything other than her pain. It took me a

long time to even begin to forgive her last (and successful) attempt

because it felt like such a violent attack on the rest of us, and there

are still times when we all feel angry. We still feel the pain of her

death and her absence from our lives, ten years later. My mom never

really recovered from it and died feeling that there was something she

should have been able to do if she'd noticed the signs. (Hindsight is

always 20/20.)

I've wished that anyone who's considered suicide could have the clarity

to see what their death would do to the others in their lives. When the

thought crossed my mind, I was lucky enough to have had the experience of

losing my sister to bring me around (with a shock). Perhaps I've

developed a Pollyanna-like attitude, but now I insist on sticking around

as long as it takes to see things get better, even just the least little

bit better.

Em, I'll keep you, your co-workers and the family in my prayers.

Kay

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[Guest guest]

Kay Martz wrote:

> I've wished that anyone who's considered suicide could have the clarity

> to see what their death would do to the others in their lives. When the

> thought crossed my mind, I was lucky enough to have had the experience of

> losing my sister to bring me around (with a shock). Perhaps I've

> developed a Pollyanna-like attitude, but now I insist on sticking around

> as long as it takes to see things get better, even just the least little

> bit better.

Kay and Em, my sympathies for you. In collage, I had a friend who at

several times in her past, attempted suicides, although I think they

were more cries for help than actual serious attempts to kill herself.

She hadn't tried at collage. Then she went home for the funeral of the

little brother of one of her friends, I think he was about 13. She came

back and told me " Darcy, if could have see all of his friends and

family so upset, he would have never killed himself. I'm never going to

try to kill myself again. " Months down the road, depression set in and

she became suicidal. I reminded her of what she said, this time her

attitude was " yes, but that was different, they all loved , no one

loves me " . I couldn't get her to see how wrong she was. It ended up

that we (all of her friends) sequestering her in a friend's studio loft

apartment after suicide proofing it, with one friend there at all

times. After several days of this, we realized we couldn't go on like

this, she wasn't changing her mind, we all had classes we couldn't

afford to keep missing and she needed more help then what we could give

her. Because of possible problems in her family, we hadn't called them

up to this point, but we ended up calling her sister who called her

parents. They came and got her. I don't know what happened to her, she

never spoke of it, but I will say, she is alive and well today. She

gives absolutely no indication of being suicidal these days, many years

later, no matter how bad her problems are, for which I'm very grateful.

Darcy

[Guest guest]

Kay Martz wrote:

> I've wished that anyone who's considered suicide could have the clarity

> to see what their death would do to the others in their lives. When the

> thought crossed my mind, I was lucky enough to have had the experience of

> losing my sister to bring me around (with a shock). Perhaps I've

> developed a Pollyanna-like attitude, but now I insist on sticking around

> as long as it takes to see things get better, even just the least little

> bit better.

Kay and Em, my sympathies for you. In collage, I had a friend who at

several times in her past, attempted suicides, although I think they

were more cries for help than actual serious attempts to kill herself.

She hadn't tried at collage. Then she went home for the funeral of the

little brother of one of her friends, I think he was about 13. She came

back and told me " Darcy, if could have see all of his friends and

family so upset, he would have never killed himself. I'm never going to

try to kill myself again. " Months down the road, depression set in and

she became suicidal. I reminded her of what she said, this time her

attitude was " yes, but that was different, they all loved , no one

loves me " . I couldn't get her to see how wrong she was. It ended up

that we (all of her friends) sequestering her in a friend's studio loft

apartment after suicide proofing it, with one friend there at all

times. After several days of this, we realized we couldn't go on like

this, she wasn't changing her mind, we all had classes we couldn't

afford to keep missing and she needed more help then what we could give

her. Because of possible problems in her family, we hadn't called them

up to this point, but we ended up calling her sister who called her

parents. They came and got her. I don't know what happened to her, she

never spoke of it, but I will say, she is alive and well today. She

gives absolutely no indication of being suicidal these days, many years

later, no matter how bad her problems are, for which I'm very grateful.

Darcy

[Guest guest]

Kay Martz wrote:

> I've wished that anyone who's considered suicide could have the clarity

> to see what their death would do to the others in their lives. When the

> thought crossed my mind, I was lucky enough to have had the experience of

> losing my sister to bring me around (with a shock). Perhaps I've

> developed a Pollyanna-like attitude, but now I insist on sticking around

> as long as it takes to see things get better, even just the least little

> bit better.

Kay and Em, my sympathies for you. In collage, I had a friend who at

several times in her past, attempted suicides, although I think they

were more cries for help than actual serious attempts to kill herself.

She hadn't tried at collage. Then she went home for the funeral of the

little brother of one of her friends, I think he was about 13. She came

back and told me " Darcy, if could have see all of his friends and

family so upset, he would have never killed himself. I'm never going to

try to kill myself again. " Months down the road, depression set in and

she became suicidal. I reminded her of what she said, this time her

attitude was " yes, but that was different, they all loved , no one

loves me " . I couldn't get her to see how wrong she was. It ended up

that we (all of her friends) sequestering her in a friend's studio loft

apartment after suicide proofing it, with one friend there at all

times. After several days of this, we realized we couldn't go on like

this, she wasn't changing her mind, we all had classes we couldn't

afford to keep missing and she needed more help then what we could give

her. Because of possible problems in her family, we hadn't called them

up to this point, but we ended up calling her sister who called her

parents. They came and got her. I don't know what happened to her, she

never spoke of it, but I will say, she is alive and well today. She

gives absolutely no indication of being suicidal these days, many years

later, no matter how bad her problems are, for which I'm very grateful.

Darcy

[Guest guest]

Em,

Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us here! I'm really sorry that

you had to go through that yourself. Its amazing I read my emails earlier and

this wasn't here, and I'm having some really bad and down days lately and

today was really a bad one very over whelming have been to the dr. on Friday

I had decided to change because the one I was going to just wasn't helping me

at all so I went and to make a long story short he told me my fibro is not

only full blown but it is my secondary illness to what's causing my problems!

I had been complaining to my dr. for well over 6 mo. that my whole right side

was very weak my arm feels as though it weighs 50 lb. and my leg is starting

to feel the same. I have excruciating neck pain that I literally can't take

any more I go to physical therapy 3 times a week and even the therapist said

she just can't understand what is going on that my neck and whole right side

all the way down is just not normal. This is when I finally decided enough

with this dr. something is drastically wrong here besides the fibro! I also

get migraines and am on medication for them and have been having vision

problems with my left eye like dbl. and blurred vision which I told the dr.

then I began seeing lightning like effects also well she told me it wasn't

the meds mean while she kept increasing it. Well, I did some research and

found out it was due to the medication and found out that its irreversible

and also I can loose my vision know because of it and the new dr. confirmed

it! I am so upset! Anyway He seems to think my weakness is something

neurological and have to see a Neural Surgeon on Tuesday so I'm scared of

what it could be and was very depressed and was really thinking what kind of

life do I have anyway? I never go out of my house except to the Drs. have no

friends no one to talk to no one who understands me that I live with so

what's the use? And then I read your email so you must have been my guardian

angel today and I want to thank you for that! Not that I would have done

anything stupid but I really was thinking life wasn't worth living I know

that....... sorry I wrote such a long boring post and it probably doesn't

make much sense either because my train of though isn't too good any more so

I apologize!

Take care,

My heart goes out to that family!

[Guest guest]

Reply-To:

To:

Subject: Re: Suicide

Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 12:45:44 -0700 (PDT)

I have thought of suicide many many countless times

during the last 34 years (which is how long I have

been ill) and for the first 20 years, I didn't do it

because I was afraid to. In the last 14 years I have

not done it because I realize now that it is a selfish

act. I have a daughter and I have to think of her and

her future. She is my responsibility whether I am

suffering or not. Yes, we should all think of our

loved ones when we contemplate suicide no matter how

badly we are hurting.

~Lynne

> There are no words that could adequately convey the

> agony her family was

> enduring. The room echoed with screams, with pleas

> to God of why? why her?

> what happened? Questions no one but the victim

> could possibly answer, and

> it's very likely she didn't know, either. Only that

> she was a teenager in

> pain, and suicide seemed like the answer.

Hi,

This is , and I apologize for not writing more, but do a lot of

lurking, but when I saw the topic I had to add my 2 cents worth.

As a victim of a family member who also committed suicide.

I think it's one of the hardest things I have ever went thru and over the

yrs there has been a lot, but suicide when u get that call, u are so

unprepared, I don't think the person involved ever considered what might be

the after effects, family and friends have to face, it is a lot different

from losing a loved one naturally.

I have thot about it a lot and spent many agonizing nights of guilt as did

the rest of the family, each one taking their share of guilt thinking we

should hae seen something, but when they don't want u to see, they are very

good at covering it up. I lived 500 mi away from him, but we were as close

as we were when we were kids, he was the middle brother of 3, we came from

a broken home when I was 2 and I was the baby of the family. We lost our

dad who was both mom and dad to us 2 weeks after my 21st b/day and this

brother sorta took dad's place with all of us, we always met at his house

when everyone got together, he called us every month, yet when he needed

help he didn't call out to any of his siblings, one brother only lived 45 mi

away and saw him at least once a month.He only called out for professional

help on the day he died, he was 49, with 2 sons, 2 grandkids and 2 due

within a few weeks. I think if he had been in his right mind, he would have

thot things thru better, as it was, his youngest son found him and it wasn't

a pretty site, since he was an ex marine he did it military execution style,

and I know he loved his family, & that having his son find him had never

entered his mind. I had to seek counseling, because I couldn't put it

behind me, but it has only been in the last yr and half that going thru this

mess of fibro and other illness on top of it, that I was able to forgive

him, I could see where a person could reach that point in their lives, but

having gone thru that with him, it is not something I am willing to put my

family thru. So, please if u near this point, seek counseling, there are

other ways to deal with this. If u have family and sibllings and parents,

let alone the friends u have made thru the yrs, talk to someone. Don't let

yourself be drawn into this.

May God Bless

i don't know who it was who committed suicide, but if they are part of the

group or related to the group, a book that helped me keep my sanity is

called WALKING THRU GRIEF written by Ron & Don , they have since

come out with one titled WALKING WITH THOSE THAT WEEP.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Dearest

My heart goes out to you at this time and I pray that

your mind will soon be put at rest to what is causing

you so many problems. I too am housebound quite a lot

but here on the internet we can travel to far off

countries and talk to strangers that are willing to

listen and write back, and why? because they care.

They care deep down and understand what we are going

through, and I want you to know I care about you and

will always be here to listen and to write as often as

I am able. And although there is a vast ocean between

us and many miles of land we are close together in

spirit through the wonderful technology we have called

the Internet. Your life is very precious to us all and

if something happened to you it would touch the hearts

of a great many who have come to know you via the

internet. Keep talking as a problem shared is a

problem halved. And always remember you have a loving

Heavenly Father who cares for you too and watches over

you and will only allow you to go through things He

knows you can cope with , with a bit of stretching on

your part and His help if you ask him. He will never

let you go through anything more than He knows you can

cope with.

God Bless

from your sister across the land and sea

Lorraine UK

--- Fmsgal40@... wrote:

<HR>

<html><body>

<tt>

Em,<BR>

Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us

here! I'm really sorry that <BR>

you had to go through that yourself. Its amazing I

read my emails earlier and <BR>

this wasn't  here,  and I'm having some really bad and

down days lately and <BR>

today was really a bad one very over whelming have

been to the dr. on Friday <BR>

I had decided to change because the one I was going to

just wasn't helping me <BR>

at all so I went and to make a long story short he

told me my fibro is not <BR>

only full blown but it is my secondary illness to

what's causing my problems! <BR>

I had been complaining to my dr. for well over 6 mo.

that my whole right side <BR>

was very weak my arm feels as though it weighs 50 lb.

and my leg is starting <BR>

to feel the same. I have excruciating neck pain that I

literally can't take <BR>

any more I go to physical therapy 3 times a week and

even the therapist said <BR>

she just can't understand what is going on that my

neck and whole right side <BR>

all the way down is just not normal. This is when I

finally decided enough <BR>

with this dr. something is drastically wrong here

besides the fibro! I also <BR>

get migraines and am on medication for them and have

been having vision <BR>

problems with my left eye like dbl. and blurred vision

which I told the dr. <BR>

then I began seeing lightning like effects also well

she told me it wasn't <BR>

the meds mean while she kept increasing it. Well, I

did some research and <BR>

found out it was due to the medication and found out

that its irreversible <BR>

and also I can loose my vision know because of it and

the new dr. confirmed <BR>

it! I am so upset! Anyway He seems to think my

weakness is something <BR>

neurological and have to see a Neural Surgeon on

Tuesday so I'm scared of <BR>

what it could be and was very depressed and was really

thinking what kind of <BR>

life do I have anyway? I never go out of my house

except to the Drs. have no <BR>

friends no one to talk to no one who understands me

that I live with so <BR>

what's the use? And then I read your email so you must

have been my guardian <BR>

angel today and I want to thank you for that! Not that

I would have done <BR>

anything stupid but I really was thinking life wasn't

worth living I know <BR>

that....... sorry I wrote such a long boring post and

it probably doesn't <BR>

make much sense either because my train of though

isn't too good any more so <BR>

I apologize!<BR>

Take care, <BR>

My heart goes out to that family!<BR>

<BR>

<BR>

[Non-text portions of this message have been

removed]<BR>

<BR>

</tt>

<br>

<!-- |**|begin egp html banner|**| -->

<table border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2>

<tr bgcolor=#FFFFCC>

<td align=center><font size= " -1 "

color=#003399><b>

[Guest guest]

Dearest

My heart goes out to you at this time and I pray that

your mind will soon be put at rest to what is causing

you so many problems. I too am housebound quite a lot

but here on the internet we can travel to far off

countries and talk to strangers that are willing to

listen and write back, and why? because they care.

They care deep down and understand what we are going

through, and I want you to know I care about you and

will always be here to listen and to write as often as

I am able. And although there is a vast ocean between

us and many miles of land we are close together in

spirit through the wonderful technology we have called

the Internet. Your life is very precious to us all and

if something happened to you it would touch the hearts

of a great many who have come to know you via the

internet. Keep talking as a problem shared is a

problem halved. And always remember you have a loving

Heavenly Father who cares for you too and watches over

you and will only allow you to go through things He

knows you can cope with , with a bit of stretching on

your part and His help if you ask him. He will never

let you go through anything more than He knows you can

cope with.

God Bless

from your sister across the land and sea

Lorraine UK

--- Fmsgal40@... wrote:

<HR>

<html><body>

<tt>

Em,<BR>

Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us

here! I'm really sorry that <BR>

you had to go through that yourself. Its amazing I

read my emails earlier and <BR>

this wasn't  here,  and I'm having some really bad and

down days lately and <BR>

today was really a bad one very over whelming have

been to the dr. on Friday <BR>

I had decided to change because the one I was going to

just wasn't helping me <BR>

at all so I went and to make a long story short he

told me my fibro is not <BR>

only full blown but it is my secondary illness to

what's causing my problems! <BR>

I had been complaining to my dr. for well over 6 mo.

that my whole right side <BR>

was very weak my arm feels as though it weighs 50 lb.

and my leg is starting <BR>

to feel the same. I have excruciating neck pain that I

literally can't take <BR>

any more I go to physical therapy 3 times a week and

even the therapist said <BR>

she just can't understand what is going on that my

neck and whole right side <BR>

all the way down is just not normal. This is when I

finally decided enough <BR>

with this dr. something is drastically wrong here

besides the fibro! I also <BR>

get migraines and am on medication for them and have

been having vision <BR>

problems with my left eye like dbl. and blurred vision

which I told the dr. <BR>

then I began seeing lightning like effects also well

she told me it wasn't <BR>

the meds mean while she kept increasing it. Well, I

did some research and <BR>

found out it was due to the medication and found out

that its irreversible <BR>

and also I can loose my vision know because of it and

the new dr. confirmed <BR>

it! I am so upset! Anyway He seems to think my

weakness is something <BR>

neurological and have to see a Neural Surgeon on

Tuesday so I'm scared of <BR>

what it could be and was very depressed and was really

thinking what kind of <BR>

life do I have anyway? I never go out of my house

except to the Drs. have no <BR>

friends no one to talk to no one who understands me

that I live with so <BR>

what's the use? And then I read your email so you must

have been my guardian <BR>

angel today and I want to thank you for that! Not that

I would have done <BR>

anything stupid but I really was thinking life wasn't

worth living I know <BR>

that....... sorry I wrote such a long boring post and

it probably doesn't <BR>

make much sense either because my train of though

isn't too good any more so <BR>

I apologize!<BR>

Take care, <BR>

My heart goes out to that family!<BR>

<BR>

<BR>

[Non-text portions of this message have been

removed]<BR>

<BR>

</tt>

<br>

<!-- |**|begin egp html banner|**| -->

<table border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2>

<tr bgcolor=#FFFFCC>

<td align=center><font size= " -1 "

color=#003399><b>

[Guest guest]

Dearest

My heart goes out to you at this time and I pray that

your mind will soon be put at rest to what is causing

you so many problems. I too am housebound quite a lot

but here on the internet we can travel to far off

countries and talk to strangers that are willing to

listen and write back, and why? because they care.

They care deep down and understand what we are going

through, and I want you to know I care about you and

will always be here to listen and to write as often as

I am able. And although there is a vast ocean between

us and many miles of land we are close together in

spirit through the wonderful technology we have called

the Internet. Your life is very precious to us all and

if something happened to you it would touch the hearts

of a great many who have come to know you via the

internet. Keep talking as a problem shared is a

problem halved. And always remember you have a loving

Heavenly Father who cares for you too and watches over

you and will only allow you to go through things He

knows you can cope with , with a bit of stretching on

your part and His help if you ask him. He will never

let you go through anything more than He knows you can

cope with.

God Bless

from your sister across the land and sea

Lorraine UK

--- Fmsgal40@... wrote:

<HR>

<html><body>

<tt>

Em,<BR>

Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us

here! I'm really sorry that <BR>

you had to go through that yourself. Its amazing I

read my emails earlier and <BR>

this wasn't  here,  and I'm having some really bad and

down days lately and <BR>

today was really a bad one very over whelming have

been to the dr. on Friday <BR>

I had decided to change because the one I was going to

just wasn't helping me <BR>

at all so I went and to make a long story short he

told me my fibro is not <BR>

only full blown but it is my secondary illness to

what's causing my problems! <BR>

I had been complaining to my dr. for well over 6 mo.

that my whole right side <BR>

was very weak my arm feels as though it weighs 50 lb.

and my leg is starting <BR>

to feel the same. I have excruciating neck pain that I

literally can't take <BR>

any more I go to physical therapy 3 times a week and

even the therapist said <BR>

she just can't understand what is going on that my

neck and whole right side <BR>

all the way down is just not normal. This is when I

finally decided enough <BR>

with this dr. something is drastically wrong here

besides the fibro! I also <BR>

get migraines and am on medication for them and have

been having vision <BR>

problems with my left eye like dbl. and blurred vision

which I told the dr. <BR>

then I began seeing lightning like effects also well

she told me it wasn't <BR>

the meds mean while she kept increasing it. Well, I

did some research and <BR>

found out it was due to the medication and found out

that its irreversible <BR>

and also I can loose my vision know because of it and

the new dr. confirmed <BR>

it! I am so upset! Anyway He seems to think my

weakness is something <BR>

neurological and have to see a Neural Surgeon on

Tuesday so I'm scared of <BR>

what it could be and was very depressed and was really

thinking what kind of <BR>

life do I have anyway? I never go out of my house

except to the Drs. have no <BR>

friends no one to talk to no one who understands me

that I live with so <BR>

what's the use? And then I read your email so you must

have been my guardian <BR>

angel today and I want to thank you for that! Not that

I would have done <BR>

anything stupid but I really was thinking life wasn't

worth living I know <BR>

that....... sorry I wrote such a long boring post and

it probably doesn't <BR>

make much sense either because my train of though

isn't too good any more so <BR>

I apologize!<BR>

Take care, <BR>

My heart goes out to that family!<BR>

<BR>

<BR>

[Non-text portions of this message have been

removed]<BR>

<BR>

</tt>

<br>

<!-- |**|begin egp html banner|**| -->

<table border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2>

<tr bgcolor=#FFFFCC>

<td align=center><font size= " -1 "

color=#003399><b>

[Guest guest]

This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I don't

understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when this

illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by bit over

the last 11 years. The man I loved and thought I would spend my life with,

who helped me so much and was so great with dealing with my FM, just came

home 2 weeks ago from a trip with his kids and told me " I am breaking our

engagement. I can't live with someone who can't hike and ski. " Nothing I

could do or say could change his mind. I could see in his eyes he had

already left me. This is the 4th relationship and the last. We've been

together a year and I did everything possible to " screen " him, to make sure

he was okay with my illness, that he could handle it, because I was ready to

not venture into another heartbreak that I knew might kill me. I even put

off meeting him, just doing email for six weeks. There were NO signs at all

that anything was wrong.

I have always been a positive person, have lifted myself up out of crisis

after crisis. I am so tired. My 2 kids are in their 20s, one is married, and

moving to San Diego in December. The other is going to Costa Rica about then

too. They have been my only emotional support. They are both healthy,

beautiful, I put every ounce of my life energy into them so they wouldn't

come out like my siblings, so they would escape the legacy of my horrible

family. When I have tried to make friends, my illness puts them off, makes

them uncomfortable, and they just go away. I am alone all the time.

I have accomplished a lot in my life and see nothing ahead that I want to

do. The man I am with convinced me to file bankruptcy saying he was here

now, there was no reason to be afraid of losing my little " safety net " of

credit, I should get rid of the debt and he would pay the court payments (I

had to file Chpt 13 because of the books I have written - they are

considered assets that would be seized by the court in Chapt 7 - now there

is a $700/mo pmt to the court for 4 years). He promised me a million times

he would be here, he would pay for these things, he wanted to provide a

space for me to finally be able to relax and live and take care of my

illness and be loved. Then after I had made several life altering

decisions, he dropped this atom bomb on me. Now I have no credit for at

least 10 years. I don't even know how I will get housing with no credit.

I hear what everyone says about suicide being selfish, and your duty to your

children, but I don't know how to get from here to there. My mother is

extremely sick and could die any day. My siblings, because my family was so

destroyed by alcoholism, are completely cut off from each other and none of

them will speak to me saying my illness is a bummer and they don't want to

deal with me until I get well. I have nobody. Even my cat died last month.

The only income I have is royalties from books I've written, and I never

know how much or little it will be, plus my SSI disability. I have been in

therapy for four years, and I don't see a whole lot of change now from where

I was then. I have nobody to turn to who has the time or inclination to help

me. All I see is that now that my ex fiancee is leaving me, I'll have to

give up most of what I love (I am also an artist) because I won't be able to

fit my equipment into a small apartment, get a tiny place that I can live in

and just exist there by myself for the rest of my life. I guess I'm supposed

to think this is a noble sacrifice I make so my kids don't have to go

through the pain of losing me. When I can barely get out of bed much less

move a household by myself, what am I to do? I am just holding on from day

to day. Right now I have to go back to bed, even though I have a list of

things to do a mile long. My body just won't do them. I try and try to live

like a so called normal person but my body won't let me. So I guess I'm

saying, let's get real here, what is there for somebody to do who doesn't

have family there to take care of them, who doesn't have a loving supportive

spouse, whose kids just want to get on with their lives and can't be

burdened by their mother's illness -- and no one seems to know or believe

how bad this pain really is, how debilitating, how impossible it is to do

almost anything. Maybe because I have done the heroic thing for so many

years, they don't believe me now. But I have run out of steam. What would

you do? I keep trying to look at all the good things in my life, but my body

won't do what is absolutely necessary for me to do -- find another place,

move, sell all my art equipment, stop being an artist, pack, and on and on

and on.

Vimala

[Guest guest]

This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I don't

understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when this

illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by bit over

the last 11 years. The man I loved and thought I would spend my life with,

who helped me so much and was so great with dealing with my FM, just came

home 2 weeks ago from a trip with his kids and told me " I am breaking our

engagement. I can't live with someone who can't hike and ski. " Nothing I

could do or say could change his mind. I could see in his eyes he had

already left me. This is the 4th relationship and the last. We've been

together a year and I did everything possible to " screen " him, to make sure

he was okay with my illness, that he could handle it, because I was ready to

not venture into another heartbreak that I knew might kill me. I even put

off meeting him, just doing email for six weeks. There were NO signs at all

that anything was wrong.

I have always been a positive person, have lifted myself up out of crisis

after crisis. I am so tired. My 2 kids are in their 20s, one is married, and

moving to San Diego in December. The other is going to Costa Rica about then

too. They have been my only emotional support. They are both healthy,

beautiful, I put every ounce of my life energy into them so they wouldn't

come out like my siblings, so they would escape the legacy of my horrible

family. When I have tried to make friends, my illness puts them off, makes

them uncomfortable, and they just go away. I am alone all the time.

I have accomplished a lot in my life and see nothing ahead that I want to

do. The man I am with convinced me to file bankruptcy saying he was here

now, there was no reason to be afraid of losing my little " safety net " of

credit, I should get rid of the debt and he would pay the court payments (I

had to file Chpt 13 because of the books I have written - they are

considered assets that would be seized by the court in Chapt 7 - now there

is a $700/mo pmt to the court for 4 years). He promised me a million times

he would be here, he would pay for these things, he wanted to provide a

space for me to finally be able to relax and live and take care of my

illness and be loved. Then after I had made several life altering

decisions, he dropped this atom bomb on me. Now I have no credit for at

least 10 years. I don't even know how I will get housing with no credit.

I hear what everyone says about suicide being selfish, and your duty to your

children, but I don't know how to get from here to there. My mother is

extremely sick and could die any day. My siblings, because my family was so

destroyed by alcoholism, are completely cut off from each other and none of

them will speak to me saying my illness is a bummer and they don't want to

deal with me until I get well. I have nobody. Even my cat died last month.

The only income I have is royalties from books I've written, and I never

know how much or little it will be, plus my SSI disability. I have been in

therapy for four years, and I don't see a whole lot of change now from where

I was then. I have nobody to turn to who has the time or inclination to help

me. All I see is that now that my ex fiancee is leaving me, I'll have to

give up most of what I love (I am also an artist) because I won't be able to

fit my equipment into a small apartment, get a tiny place that I can live in

and just exist there by myself for the rest of my life. I guess I'm supposed

to think this is a noble sacrifice I make so my kids don't have to go

through the pain of losing me. When I can barely get out of bed much less

move a household by myself, what am I to do? I am just holding on from day

to day. Right now I have to go back to bed, even though I have a list of

things to do a mile long. My body just won't do them. I try and try to live

like a so called normal person but my body won't let me. So I guess I'm

saying, let's get real here, what is there for somebody to do who doesn't

have family there to take care of them, who doesn't have a loving supportive

spouse, whose kids just want to get on with their lives and can't be

burdened by their mother's illness -- and no one seems to know or believe

how bad this pain really is, how debilitating, how impossible it is to do

almost anything. Maybe because I have done the heroic thing for so many

years, they don't believe me now. But I have run out of steam. What would

you do? I keep trying to look at all the good things in my life, but my body

won't do what is absolutely necessary for me to do -- find another place,

move, sell all my art equipment, stop being an artist, pack, and on and on

and on.

Vimala

[Guest guest]

This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I don't

understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when this

illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by bit over

the last 11 years. The man I loved and thought I would spend my life with,

who helped me so much and was so great with dealing with my FM, just came

home 2 weeks ago from a trip with his kids and told me " I am breaking our

engagement. I can't live with someone who can't hike and ski. " Nothing I

could do or say could change his mind. I could see in his eyes he had

already left me. This is the 4th relationship and the last. We've been

together a year and I did everything possible to " screen " him, to make sure

he was okay with my illness, that he could handle it, because I was ready to

not venture into another heartbreak that I knew might kill me. I even put

off meeting him, just doing email for six weeks. There were NO signs at all

that anything was wrong.

I have always been a positive person, have lifted myself up out of crisis

after crisis. I am so tired. My 2 kids are in their 20s, one is married, and

moving to San Diego in December. The other is going to Costa Rica about then

too. They have been my only emotional support. They are both healthy,

beautiful, I put every ounce of my life energy into them so they wouldn't

come out like my siblings, so they would escape the legacy of my horrible

family. When I have tried to make friends, my illness puts them off, makes

them uncomfortable, and they just go away. I am alone all the time.

I have accomplished a lot in my life and see nothing ahead that I want to

do. The man I am with convinced me to file bankruptcy saying he was here

now, there was no reason to be afraid of losing my little " safety net " of

credit, I should get rid of the debt and he would pay the court payments (I

had to file Chpt 13 because of the books I have written - they are

considered assets that would be seized by the court in Chapt 7 - now there

is a $700/mo pmt to the court for 4 years). He promised me a million times

he would be here, he would pay for these things, he wanted to provide a

space for me to finally be able to relax and live and take care of my

illness and be loved. Then after I had made several life altering

decisions, he dropped this atom bomb on me. Now I have no credit for at

least 10 years. I don't even know how I will get housing with no credit.

I hear what everyone says about suicide being selfish, and your duty to your

children, but I don't know how to get from here to there. My mother is

extremely sick and could die any day. My siblings, because my family was so

destroyed by alcoholism, are completely cut off from each other and none of

them will speak to me saying my illness is a bummer and they don't want to

deal with me until I get well. I have nobody. Even my cat died last month.

The only income I have is royalties from books I've written, and I never

know how much or little it will be, plus my SSI disability. I have been in

therapy for four years, and I don't see a whole lot of change now from where

I was then. I have nobody to turn to who has the time or inclination to help

me. All I see is that now that my ex fiancee is leaving me, I'll have to

give up most of what I love (I am also an artist) because I won't be able to

fit my equipment into a small apartment, get a tiny place that I can live in

and just exist there by myself for the rest of my life. I guess I'm supposed

to think this is a noble sacrifice I make so my kids don't have to go

through the pain of losing me. When I can barely get out of bed much less

move a household by myself, what am I to do? I am just holding on from day

to day. Right now I have to go back to bed, even though I have a list of

things to do a mile long. My body just won't do them. I try and try to live

like a so called normal person but my body won't let me. So I guess I'm

saying, let's get real here, what is there for somebody to do who doesn't

have family there to take care of them, who doesn't have a loving supportive

spouse, whose kids just want to get on with their lives and can't be

burdened by their mother's illness -- and no one seems to know or believe

how bad this pain really is, how debilitating, how impossible it is to do

almost anything. Maybe because I have done the heroic thing for so many

years, they don't believe me now. But I have run out of steam. What would

you do? I keep trying to look at all the good things in my life, but my body

won't do what is absolutely necessary for me to do -- find another place,

move, sell all my art equipment, stop being an artist, pack, and on and on

and on.

Vimala

[Guest guest]

At 10:49 AM 08/27/2001 -0600, Vimala McClure wrote:

>This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I don't

>understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when this

>illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by bit

>over the last 11 years.

First off, my GOD I wish I could be there in person for you, Vimala. I am

so, so sorry that life has become so terrible for you. And I understand,

because I've been there, I promise you. I'm not blowing smoke. I have sat

in my den with a knife, with a gun, contemplating using it. I've taken

lots of pills and hoped I wouldn't wake up again.

But Vimala, this is the voice of depression. I know, I know you don't

probably want to hear that, it's too pat, too easy, too predictable. But

it's the truth.

Totally unsolicited advice here, okay? You need some help, and you need it

soon. Are you on any antidepressive drugs? If not, please think about

seeing someone and getting a prescription. TELL YOUR CHILDREN HOW YOU'RE

FEELING. Let them help you. They love you. THEY LOVE YOU. If their

moving is going to strand you completely, don't be noble -- tell them that

you need them. It may or may not change their minds, but they will KNOW,

and that's the important part.

You're being the opposite of selfish, Vimala. You're being nobly

silent. And there's a time and place for silence, but it ain't now. BE

SELFISH. The worst thing you could do would be to just go away, and your

children would never know why, would never know why you didn't reach out to

them, why you didn't tell them just how bad it had gotten.

*millions of hugs*

Em

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is the tale, not he who tells it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Guest guest]

At 10:49 AM 08/27/2001 -0600, Vimala McClure wrote:

>This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I don't

>understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when this

>illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by bit

>over the last 11 years.

First off, my GOD I wish I could be there in person for you, Vimala. I am

so, so sorry that life has become so terrible for you. And I understand,

because I've been there, I promise you. I'm not blowing smoke. I have sat

in my den with a knife, with a gun, contemplating using it. I've taken

lots of pills and hoped I wouldn't wake up again.

But Vimala, this is the voice of depression. I know, I know you don't

probably want to hear that, it's too pat, too easy, too predictable. But

it's the truth.

Totally unsolicited advice here, okay? You need some help, and you need it

soon. Are you on any antidepressive drugs? If not, please think about

seeing someone and getting a prescription. TELL YOUR CHILDREN HOW YOU'RE

FEELING. Let them help you. They love you. THEY LOVE YOU. If their

moving is going to strand you completely, don't be noble -- tell them that

you need them. It may or may not change their minds, but they will KNOW,

and that's the important part.

You're being the opposite of selfish, Vimala. You're being nobly

silent. And there's a time and place for silence, but it ain't now. BE

SELFISH. The worst thing you could do would be to just go away, and your

children would never know why, would never know why you didn't reach out to

them, why you didn't tell them just how bad it had gotten.

*millions of hugs*

Em

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is the tale, not he who tells it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Guest guest]

At 10:49 AM 08/27/2001 -0600, Vimala McClure wrote:

>This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I don't

>understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when this

>illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by bit

>over the last 11 years.

First off, my GOD I wish I could be there in person for you, Vimala. I am

so, so sorry that life has become so terrible for you. And I understand,

because I've been there, I promise you. I'm not blowing smoke. I have sat

in my den with a knife, with a gun, contemplating using it. I've taken

lots of pills and hoped I wouldn't wake up again.

But Vimala, this is the voice of depression. I know, I know you don't

probably want to hear that, it's too pat, too easy, too predictable. But

it's the truth.

Totally unsolicited advice here, okay? You need some help, and you need it

soon. Are you on any antidepressive drugs? If not, please think about

seeing someone and getting a prescription. TELL YOUR CHILDREN HOW YOU'RE

FEELING. Let them help you. They love you. THEY LOVE YOU. If their

moving is going to strand you completely, don't be noble -- tell them that

you need them. It may or may not change their minds, but they will KNOW,

and that's the important part.

You're being the opposite of selfish, Vimala. You're being nobly

silent. And there's a time and place for silence, but it ain't now. BE

SELFISH. The worst thing you could do would be to just go away, and your

children would never know why, would never know why you didn't reach out to

them, why you didn't tell them just how bad it had gotten.

*millions of hugs*

Em

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is the tale, not he who tells it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Guest guest]

Vimala, I am so sorry all of this pain and sorrow is sitting on your

shoulders. It isn't fair, not fair at all. I also have fibro, but

besides that have been suicidal many times. I don't have all the

answers, but I KNOW this in my heart....you are a vital part of this

world! I know that the pain and suffering you are enduring seems

hopeless and never ending, but you will come through the other side.

You didn't mention if you were on any meds. If you aren't, I

recommend getting on an anti-depressant, and if you are, maybe you

should try another one. I am on Celexa, and it has taken those

thousand little dark thoughts of suicide out of my mind. It's not

that I feel so much better physically, it's that I can handle more

mentally when I am on the anti-depressant. I am also an artist, and

I really feel that my art is the one thing that I have left. I paint

what I feel...and I don't care who likes or doesn't like them. They

are for me...an outlet for my despair, my pain, my mind. The

paintings don't talk back, or put you down, they don't walk out of

your life...unless you want them to. Don't sell the one thing that

could help you in all of this. Use your talents as best you can,

when you feel like it, and maybe you can help someone else, or make

someone else understand how you feel. I know this doesn't seem to

take care of some of the other heartaches that you are facing, your

boyfriend and your mom. But I lost my mom only two years ago, and

art has also been my solace there. I really hope that you decide to

hold on and ride out this dark time! Hang in there...I care!

Jo

> This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I

don't

> understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when

this

> illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by

bit over

> the last 11 years. The man I loved and thought I would spend my

life with,

> who helped me so much and was so great with dealing with my FM,

just came

> home 2 weeks ago from a trip with his kids and told me " I am

breaking our

> engagement. I can't live with someone who can't hike and ski. "

Nothing I

> could do or say could change his mind. I could see in his eyes he

had

> already left me. This is the 4th relationship and the last. We've

been

> together a year and I did everything possible to " screen " him, to

make sure

> he was okay with my illness, that he could handle it, because I was

ready to

> not venture into another heartbreak that I knew might kill me. I

even put

> off meeting him, just doing email for six weeks. There were NO

signs at all

> that anything was wrong.

>

> I have always been a positive person, have lifted myself up out of

crisis

> after crisis. I am so tired. My 2 kids are in their 20s, one is

married, and

> moving to San Diego in December. The other is going to Costa Rica

about then

> too. They have been my only emotional support. They are both

healthy,

> beautiful, I put every ounce of my life energy into them so they

wouldn't

> come out like my siblings, so they would escape the legacy of my

horrible

> family. When I have tried to make friends, my illness puts them

off, makes

> them uncomfortable, and they just go away. I am alone all the time.

>

> I have accomplished a lot in my life and see nothing ahead that I

want to

> do. The man I am with convinced me to file bankruptcy saying he was

here

> now, there was no reason to be afraid of losing my little " safety

net " of

> credit, I should get rid of the debt and he would pay the court

payments (I

> had to file Chpt 13 because of the books I have written - they are

> considered assets that would be seized by the court in Chapt 7 -

now there

> is a $700/mo pmt to the court for 4 years). He promised me a

million times

> he would be here, he would pay for these things, he wanted to

provide a

> space for me to finally be able to relax and live and take care of

my

> illness and be loved. Then after I had made several life altering

> decisions, he dropped this atom bomb on me. Now I have no credit

for at

> least 10 years. I don't even know how I will get housing with no

credit.

>

> I hear what everyone says about suicide being selfish, and your

duty to your

> children, but I don't know how to get from here to there. My mother

is

> extremely sick and could die any day. My siblings, because my

family was so

> destroyed by alcoholism, are completely cut off from each other and

none of

> them will speak to me saying my illness is a bummer and they don't

want to

> deal with me until I get well. I have nobody. Even my cat died last

month.

> The only income I have is royalties from books I've written, and I

never

> know how much or little it will be, plus my SSI disability. I have

been in

> therapy for four years, and I don't see a whole lot of change now

from where

> I was then. I have nobody to turn to who has the time or

inclination to help

> me. All I see is that now that my ex fiancee is leaving me, I'll

have to

> give up most of what I love (I am also an artist) because I won't

be able to

> fit my equipment into a small apartment, get a tiny place that I

can live in

> and just exist there by myself for the rest of my life. I guess I'm

supposed

> to think this is a noble sacrifice I make so my kids don't have to

go

> through the pain of losing me. When I can barely get out of bed

much less

> move a household by myself, what am I to do? I am just holding on

from day

> to day. Right now I have to go back to bed, even though I have a

list of

> things to do a mile long. My body just won't do them. I try and try

to live

> like a so called normal person but my body won't let me. So I guess

I'm

> saying, let's get real here, what is there for somebody to do who

doesn't

> have family there to take care of them, who doesn't have a loving

supportive

> spouse, whose kids just want to get on with their lives and can't be

> burdened by their mother's illness -- and no one seems to know or

believe

> how bad this pain really is, how debilitating, how impossible it is

to do

> almost anything. Maybe because I have done the heroic thing for so

many

> years, they don't believe me now. But I have run out of steam. What

would

> you do? I keep trying to look at all the good things in my life,

but my body

> won't do what is absolutely necessary for me to do -- find another

place,

> move, sell all my art equipment, stop being an artist, pack, and on

and on

> and on.

>

> Vimala

[Guest guest]

Vimala, I am so sorry all of this pain and sorrow is sitting on your

shoulders. It isn't fair, not fair at all. I also have fibro, but

besides that have been suicidal many times. I don't have all the

answers, but I KNOW this in my heart....you are a vital part of this

world! I know that the pain and suffering you are enduring seems

hopeless and never ending, but you will come through the other side.

You didn't mention if you were on any meds. If you aren't, I

recommend getting on an anti-depressant, and if you are, maybe you

should try another one. I am on Celexa, and it has taken those

thousand little dark thoughts of suicide out of my mind. It's not

that I feel so much better physically, it's that I can handle more

mentally when I am on the anti-depressant. I am also an artist, and

I really feel that my art is the one thing that I have left. I paint

what I feel...and I don't care who likes or doesn't like them. They

are for me...an outlet for my despair, my pain, my mind. The

paintings don't talk back, or put you down, they don't walk out of

your life...unless you want them to. Don't sell the one thing that

could help you in all of this. Use your talents as best you can,

when you feel like it, and maybe you can help someone else, or make

someone else understand how you feel. I know this doesn't seem to

take care of some of the other heartaches that you are facing, your

boyfriend and your mom. But I lost my mom only two years ago, and

art has also been my solace there. I really hope that you decide to

hold on and ride out this dark time! Hang in there...I care!

Jo

> This seems to be a topic much on the minds of people with FM and I

don't

> understand why doctors cannot see how horrific life becomes when

this

> illness hits severely. My life has been completely destroyed bit by

bit over

> the last 11 years. The man I loved and thought I would spend my

life with,

> who helped me so much and was so great with dealing with my FM,

just came

> home 2 weeks ago from a trip with his kids and told me " I am

breaking our

> engagement. I can't live with someone who can't hike and ski. "

Nothing I

> could do or say could change his mind. I could see in his eyes he

had

> already left me. This is the 4th relationship and the last. We've

been

> together a year and I did everything possible to " screen " him, to

make sure

> he was okay with my illness, that he could handle it, because I was

ready to

> not venture into another heartbreak that I knew might kill me. I

even put

> off meeting him, just doing email for six weeks. There were NO

signs at all

> that anything was wrong.

>

> I have always been a positive person, have lifted myself up out of

crisis

> after crisis. I am so tired. My 2 kids are in their 20s, one is

married, and

> moving to San Diego in December. The other is going to Costa Rica

about then

> too. They have been my only emotional support. They are both

healthy,

> beautiful, I put every ounce of my life energy into them so they

wouldn't

> come out like my siblings, so they would escape the legacy of my

horrible

> family. When I have tried to make friends, my illness puts them

off, makes

> them uncomfortable, and they just go away. I am alone all the time.

>

> I have accomplished a lot in my life and see nothing ahead that I

want to

> do. The man I am with convinced me to file bankruptcy saying he was

here

> now, there was no reason to be afraid of losing my little " safety

net " of

> credit, I should get rid of the debt and he would pay the court

payments (I

> had to file Chpt 13 because of the books I have written - they are

> considered assets that would be seized by the court in Chapt 7 -

now there

> is a $700/mo pmt to the court for 4 years). He promised me a

million times

> he would be here, he would pay for these things, he wanted to

provide a

> space for me to finally be able to relax and live and take care of

my

> illness and be loved. Then after I had made several life altering

> decisions, he dropped this atom bomb on me. Now I have no credit

for at

> least 10 years. I don't even know how I will get housing with no

credit.

>

> I hear what everyone says about suicide being selfish, and your

duty to your

> children, but I don't know how to get from here to there. My mother

is

> extremely sick and could die any day. My siblings, because my

family was so

> destroyed by alcoholism, are completely cut off from each other and

none of

> them will speak to me saying my illness is a bummer and they don't

want to

> deal with me until I get well. I have nobody. Even my cat died last

month.

> The only income I have is royalties from books I've written, and I

never

> know how much or little it will be, plus my SSI disability. I have

been in

> therapy for four years, and I don't see a whole lot of change now

from where

> I was then. I have nobody to turn to who has the time or

inclination to help

> me. All I see is that now that my ex fiancee is leaving me, I'll

have to

> give up most of what I love (I am also an artist) because I won't

be able to

> fit my equipment into a small apartment, get a tiny place that I

can live in

> and just exist there by myself for the rest of my life. I guess I'm

supposed

> to think this is a noble sacrifice I make so my kids don't have to

go

> through the pain of losing me. When I can barely get out of bed

much less

> move a household by myself, what am I to do? I am just holding on

from day

> to day. Right now I have to go back to bed, even though I have a

list of

> things to do a mile long. My body just won't do them. I try and try

to live

> like a so called normal person but my body won't let me. So I guess

I'm

> saying, let's get real here, what is there for somebody to do who

doesn't

> have family there to take care of them, who doesn't have a loving

supportive

> spouse, whose kids just want to get on with their lives and can't be

> burdened by their mother's illness -- and no one seems to know or

believe

> how bad this pain really is, how debilitating, how impossible it is

to do

> almost anything. Maybe because I have done the heroic thing for so

many

> years, they don't believe me now. But I have run out of steam. What

would

> you do? I keep trying to look at all the good things in my life,

but my body

> won't do what is absolutely necessary for me to do -- find another

place,

> move, sell all my art equipment, stop being an artist, pack, and on

and on

> and on.

>

> Vimala