Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to hear about someone who found ways to overcome the trauma and make healthy boundaries, especially since you still spend some time around her. This is particularly relevant for me because my nada is so high-functioning that I am unlikely to cut contact. I have heard about EMDR. It is amazing how it works because it really taps into a more physiological aspect of brain functioning. +Coal Miner's Daughter > She said what I was feeling was really anger and only by letting go of the anger could I get better. She convinced me that I could not change my mother-in-law, so obsessing over confrontation was fruitless. She taught me about limits and protecting myself. Most importantly, she offered me treatment in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It is a trauma resolution technique often used to treat soldiers with PTSD. She said sometimes it takes a series of 3+ sessions, but I felt healed after 1! It really worked. > > > > I will never forget what she did to me for my entire married life--I have physical and emotional scars to prove it--and I will never wish to have a close relationship. But with therapy, the limits or boundaries that I learned to set for me and my family have held, and for about a year she seems to be respecting them. Now I can at least be in her presence without pain. You can do it too! > > It's not my problem though! I'm free! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Thanks for the encouragement. It helps to hear about someone who found ways to overcome the trauma and make healthy boundaries, especially since you still spend some time around her. This is particularly relevant for me because my nada is so high-functioning that I am unlikely to cut contact. I have heard about EMDR. It is amazing how it works because it really taps into a more physiological aspect of brain functioning. +Coal Miner's Daughter > She said what I was feeling was really anger and only by letting go of the anger could I get better. She convinced me that I could not change my mother-in-law, so obsessing over confrontation was fruitless. She taught me about limits and protecting myself. Most importantly, she offered me treatment in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It is a trauma resolution technique often used to treat soldiers with PTSD. She said sometimes it takes a series of 3+ sessions, but I felt healed after 1! It really worked. > > > > I will never forget what she did to me for my entire married life--I have physical and emotional scars to prove it--and I will never wish to have a close relationship. But with therapy, the limits or boundaries that I learned to set for me and my family have held, and for about a year she seems to be respecting them. Now I can at least be in her presence without pain. You can do it too! > > It's not my problem though! I'm free! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi CMD! I applaud your clear thinking. Out of a cloud of anger comes clarity and action. It's the positive use of the message the anger sent. Maybe we should call it The Gift of Anger? AFB > > > > Hi CMD, In my experience anger is the flashing red warning sign that something is wrong and has to change. It sounds like you need more space from family offenders and Christmas is famous as a time when those who create emotional havoc " go to town. " Your husband's comment, " That might be a little rude, " might show he's playing by " normie " rules and really not up to speed on the tools of protection necessary to handle BPs. A vigorous defense of boundaries often necessitates " seeming " rudeness with a BP family. I say " seeming " because like children, some family members are sensitive to the smallest mention of correction. > > > > > Your anger may be trying to signal that some of your methods are not working. So I would offer the following questions to self-analysis: Does your approach need an adjustment to protect your boundaries? Are you expending a lot of mental energy and emotion around boundaries? Which ones? Write it out, pinpoint it. Who is not " getting " your boundary message and around what issue? Does the phone have to be limited? Personal contact? Do you need to spell out the boundaries more emphatically with clear, direct examples instead of leaving things in generalities? > > > > > > In other words, I got very specific about where the hole was in my boundary, and I came up with a custom-made reponse so the PD person could clearly " get " what I meant. Maybe applying a bit of this same approach might answer what your anger is trying to tell you. > > > > > Sincerely, > > AFB > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi CMD! I applaud your clear thinking. Out of a cloud of anger comes clarity and action. It's the positive use of the message the anger sent. Maybe we should call it The Gift of Anger? AFB > > > > Hi CMD, In my experience anger is the flashing red warning sign that something is wrong and has to change. It sounds like you need more space from family offenders and Christmas is famous as a time when those who create emotional havoc " go to town. " Your husband's comment, " That might be a little rude, " might show he's playing by " normie " rules and really not up to speed on the tools of protection necessary to handle BPs. A vigorous defense of boundaries often necessitates " seeming " rudeness with a BP family. I say " seeming " because like children, some family members are sensitive to the smallest mention of correction. > > > > > Your anger may be trying to signal that some of your methods are not working. So I would offer the following questions to self-analysis: Does your approach need an adjustment to protect your boundaries? Are you expending a lot of mental energy and emotion around boundaries? Which ones? Write it out, pinpoint it. Who is not " getting " your boundary message and around what issue? Does the phone have to be limited? Personal contact? Do you need to spell out the boundaries more emphatically with clear, direct examples instead of leaving things in generalities? > > > > > > In other words, I got very specific about where the hole was in my boundary, and I came up with a custom-made reponse so the PD person could clearly " get " what I meant. Maybe applying a bit of this same approach might answer what your anger is trying to tell you. > > > > > Sincerely, > > AFB > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi CMD! I applaud your clear thinking. Out of a cloud of anger comes clarity and action. It's the positive use of the message the anger sent. Maybe we should call it The Gift of Anger? AFB > > > > Hi CMD, In my experience anger is the flashing red warning sign that something is wrong and has to change. It sounds like you need more space from family offenders and Christmas is famous as a time when those who create emotional havoc " go to town. " Your husband's comment, " That might be a little rude, " might show he's playing by " normie " rules and really not up to speed on the tools of protection necessary to handle BPs. A vigorous defense of boundaries often necessitates " seeming " rudeness with a BP family. I say " seeming " because like children, some family members are sensitive to the smallest mention of correction. > > > > > Your anger may be trying to signal that some of your methods are not working. So I would offer the following questions to self-analysis: Does your approach need an adjustment to protect your boundaries? Are you expending a lot of mental energy and emotion around boundaries? Which ones? Write it out, pinpoint it. Who is not " getting " your boundary message and around what issue? Does the phone have to be limited? Personal contact? Do you need to spell out the boundaries more emphatically with clear, direct examples instead of leaving things in generalities? > > > > > > In other words, I got very specific about where the hole was in my boundary, and I came up with a custom-made reponse so the PD person could clearly " get " what I meant. Maybe applying a bit of this same approach might answer what your anger is trying to tell you. > > > > > Sincerely, > > AFB > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 I second the book/article/website idea, Annie. Incredible insights!!! p.s. I was at the library with my preschooler today reading " The Gift of Fear. " I gave it to my friend at the library to read and decided to just buy it straight out on amazon. They didn't have any Cloud and Townsend, so I'll be ordering them too. What an awesome book! The part I liked best was at the beginning where the author pointed out that a lot of his tips really boiled down to trusting your own gut instinct and intuition. This actually relieved a lot of fear for me right then. He said many of his clients actually kind of know who is threatening them anonymously even though they can't exactly explain how they know. I don't have to explain how I know being around FOO is dangerous; I don't have to justify my boundaries. I just have to respect my own knowing. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 I second the book/article/website idea, Annie. Incredible insights!!! p.s. I was at the library with my preschooler today reading " The Gift of Fear. " I gave it to my friend at the library to read and decided to just buy it straight out on amazon. They didn't have any Cloud and Townsend, so I'll be ordering them too. What an awesome book! The part I liked best was at the beginning where the author pointed out that a lot of his tips really boiled down to trusting your own gut instinct and intuition. This actually relieved a lot of fear for me right then. He said many of his clients actually kind of know who is threatening them anonymously even though they can't exactly explain how they know. I don't have to explain how I know being around FOO is dangerous; I don't have to justify my boundaries. I just have to respect my own knowing. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2010 Report Share Posted December 16, 2010 That is so kind of you, thanks for the compliment! I enjoy sharing my opinions and reading insights and opinions of the other members here; I often get a fresh perspective on my own situation by reading how fellow KOs are handling their mama-drama. (Whoever came up with that term: love it! ) The key piece of understanding I've come away with from being in this support Group and others like it is that each of us has to figure out what works *in our own life.* Not everyone's nada has the same degree of dysfunction or the same set of toxic behaviors, not everyone's nada has done the same kind or degree of damage to their kids. Some nadas are, like, bpd " lite " , and some are so toxic and dangerous their kids really should have been removed from their " care " for the sake of their own mental health and physical safety. Its all so very individual and personal, but the fact that we can share our struggles for healing and peace here and have people actually get what we're going through, is very appreciated. -Annie > > > > Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Thanks, I will check it out. Sounds like a great book. ~ Alastriona ~ Subject: Re: ANGER!!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, December 16, 2010, 5:10 PM I second the book/article/website idea, Annie. Incredible insights!!! p.s. I was at the library with my preschooler today reading " The Gift of Fear. "  I gave it to my friend at the library to read and decided to just buy it straight out on amazon. They didn't have any Cloud and Townsend, so I'll be ordering them too. What an awesome book! The part I liked best was at the beginning where the author pointed out that a lot of his tips really boiled down to trusting your own gut instinct and intuition. This actually relieved a lot of fear for me right then. He said many of his clients actually kind of know who is threatening them anonymously even though they can't exactly explain how they know. I don't have to explain how I know being around FOO is dangerous; I don't have to justify my boundaries. I just have to respect my own knowing. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Thanks, I will check it out. Sounds like a great book. ~ Alastriona ~ Subject: Re: ANGER!!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, December 16, 2010, 5:10 PM I second the book/article/website idea, Annie. Incredible insights!!! p.s. I was at the library with my preschooler today reading " The Gift of Fear. "  I gave it to my friend at the library to read and decided to just buy it straight out on amazon. They didn't have any Cloud and Townsend, so I'll be ordering them too. What an awesome book! The part I liked best was at the beginning where the author pointed out that a lot of his tips really boiled down to trusting your own gut instinct and intuition. This actually relieved a lot of fear for me right then. He said many of his clients actually kind of know who is threatening them anonymously even though they can't exactly explain how they know. I don't have to explain how I know being around FOO is dangerous; I don't have to justify my boundaries. I just have to respect my own knowing. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2010 Report Share Posted December 17, 2010 Thanks, I will check it out. Sounds like a great book. ~ Alastriona ~ Subject: Re: ANGER!!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, December 16, 2010, 5:10 PM I second the book/article/website idea, Annie. Incredible insights!!! p.s. I was at the library with my preschooler today reading " The Gift of Fear. "  I gave it to my friend at the library to read and decided to just buy it straight out on amazon. They didn't have any Cloud and Townsend, so I'll be ordering them too. What an awesome book! The part I liked best was at the beginning where the author pointed out that a lot of his tips really boiled down to trusting your own gut instinct and intuition. This actually relieved a lot of fear for me right then. He said many of his clients actually kind of know who is threatening them anonymously even though they can't exactly explain how they know. I don't have to explain how I know being around FOO is dangerous; I don't have to justify my boundaries. I just have to respect my own knowing. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Annie, are you writing a book? Or at least an article? ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. -Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. -Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. -Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Terri, What a great post and I had to reply that we share thought processes in how to cope. My nada got my number last weekend after 3 years of NC and hurled the hurtful nasty typical insults and gut twisting vile and vengeful words. Although it bugged me big time, the only words I texted back to her and gasp folks might, is " Mom, I'm really sorry that I hurt you. " I then called the phone company and changed my phone number. I worked an ACOA program and worked hard on an amends letter to my nada apologizing for my behavior and for reinforcing her behavior and helplessness by enabling her to harm me and others. Although she physically, emotionally and verbally abused me for years, before I knew what I was dealing with, I fought back and I stonewalled her. I didn't know...but now I do. I also know I can't tolerate abuse in my life so until she gets treatment, I will stand by my NC boundary. I know it hurts her but that is not my intent. My intent is to prevent me from suffering more abuse. Spirituality, meditation and energy healing (with Reiki - I'm a Reiki Master), has been my saving grace. Were it not for these things and the help of a truly wonderful counselor, I would not have recovered and may have ended up just like nada. I don't want that so healing is my only option! Many blessings to you - all of you! Have a great loving day! Jaie > > I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! > > I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. > > I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. > > So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. > > I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. > > > This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). > > Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. > > The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. > > -Terri > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Hi Jane, Thanks for the feedback on this,it's good to hear that i'm not the only one who took that path. When i went NC it was the same reason, i was sorry it hurt her, but my intent was simply to protect myself from more harm. I'm really sorry she is still so nasty and forces you to change your phone number. It's like being stalked! So sad, all of it. Terri > > > > I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! > > > > I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. > > > > I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. > > > > So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. > > > > I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. > > > > > > This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). > > > > Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. > > > > The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. > > > > -Terri > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Hi Jane, Thanks for the feedback on this,it's good to hear that i'm not the only one who took that path. When i went NC it was the same reason, i was sorry it hurt her, but my intent was simply to protect myself from more harm. I'm really sorry she is still so nasty and forces you to change your phone number. It's like being stalked! So sad, all of it. Terri > > > > I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! > > > > I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. > > > > I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. > > > > So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. > > > > I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. > > > > > > This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). > > > > Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. > > > > The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. > > > > -Terri > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Hi Jane, Thanks for the feedback on this,it's good to hear that i'm not the only one who took that path. When i went NC it was the same reason, i was sorry it hurt her, but my intent was simply to protect myself from more harm. I'm really sorry she is still so nasty and forces you to change your phone number. It's like being stalked! So sad, all of it. Terri > > > > I see there are a lot of responses already, and I read most of them, lots of great advice as always! > > > > I wanted to respond anyway, because this is such a topic for me. Anger was ME for so long. I really understand the volcano reference, and anger is also like lava underneath, it heats up everything, comes out as anxiety and depression, boils over at innappropriate moments etc... And it's a valid emotion and tells you something is wrong etc... in other words everything everyone else said. > > > > I needed my anger and don't regret it. but for me, the real healing came when I was able to finally let it go. I owned up to myself that the anger was over things in the past, that I didn't need it anymore. And that it was only hurting me - " being angry is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die " is a quote that really hit home with me. I was poisoning myself with my anger. I believe it contributed to a benign pituitary tumor I had a few years ago. > > > > So I totally agree that it's a worthy and valid and useful emotion. But you are right to wonder how to let it go too. > > > > I used several techniques others mentioned. Writing, throwing glasses at walls and hitting pillows and screaming, I also used art, and music. And meditation. And spirituality was very important for me too. > > > > > > This is going to make you all gasp. But the way I let it go? I asked my grandmother (saintly loving woman who has passed away) what to do? She said (I swear it was her though the words were in my head) to go and apologize to your mother. I was shocked, but I did. I apologized to her for being angry all those years. I didn't say why, or blame her or excuse my anger as justified. She did horrible things and I don't forget this. But my anger is my own, my choice to have or to let go of. By apologizing, I was letting it go. She of course was insane in her response, saying how much she needed to hear that (everything is all about her of course). And I immediately felt the anger well up again. But I could watch it this time. And know that I was making my choice for myself, not for her, but even in spite of her craziness. She still doesn't get it and never will. But I don't have to be angry about it anymore. (Still sad, it's really so sad). > > > > Anyway I don't at all recommend this for others. I am still sort of shocked, because it sounds like I'm blaming myself. But actually it was the way I used to take back control. Owning my own emotions as mine. And I am a different person now. I never feel that volcano of rage anymore. I am writing I suppose just to say that it's worth fighting to let go of that anger, even if the path is scary and frankly bizarre. But I am so much happier now. > > > > The other point is that she is still in my life and still pulling crazy stuff, but it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. It only brings the anger of the moment, not the anger of the past which is no longer there for her to draw up. Therefore I am able to respond much more rationally, and make better decisions in the current moment. > > > > -Terri > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 My anger scares me. When nada pushes my buttons, I walk away and I silently picture myself throwing her against a wall or something. And then I start silently screaming at myself for having violent thoughts against my mother. My outlets: Go for a run outdoors, it's more thrilling than running at the gym. And I recently have discovered that when I'm stressed, I want to sing really loud. So I sometimes go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs like an American Idol, although I sound more like the ones that get ridiculed and insulted. But the physical release really helps. Maybe you can find a similar way to channel the anger. And yes, let the anger drive you to NOT become your mother. Shape your life differently. Gibberish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 My anger scares me. When nada pushes my buttons, I walk away and I silently picture myself throwing her against a wall or something. And then I start silently screaming at myself for having violent thoughts against my mother. My outlets: Go for a run outdoors, it's more thrilling than running at the gym. And I recently have discovered that when I'm stressed, I want to sing really loud. So I sometimes go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs like an American Idol, although I sound more like the ones that get ridiculed and insulted. But the physical release really helps. Maybe you can find a similar way to channel the anger. And yes, let the anger drive you to NOT become your mother. Shape your life differently. Gibberish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 21, 2010 Report Share Posted December 21, 2010 My anger scares me. When nada pushes my buttons, I walk away and I silently picture myself throwing her against a wall or something. And then I start silently screaming at myself for having violent thoughts against my mother. My outlets: Go for a run outdoors, it's more thrilling than running at the gym. And I recently have discovered that when I'm stressed, I want to sing really loud. So I sometimes go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs like an American Idol, although I sound more like the ones that get ridiculed and insulted. But the physical release really helps. Maybe you can find a similar way to channel the anger. And yes, let the anger drive you to NOT become your mother. Shape your life differently. Gibberish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 " Gibberish " , I wouldn't worry about it. I have had the same thoughts, but even darker and more sinister than throwing my Nada against a wall. It surprised me, too, that I was capable of having such thoughts. I am not a violent person and I would never dream of doing something like this to anyone in real life unless it was self-defense. I read somewhere (i forgot where--Internet though)...that having these thoughts towards someone who abused us is normal and in fact " healthy " ! It signifies that our subconcious is waking up and rebelling against our treatment. Envisioning these things is like confronting it only mentally. It is as if we finally realize something is terribly wrong with the was we have been treated and years of compressed anger (plus interest) is finally being released. It can take many forms, including these thoughts. At least you are not turning it inward on yourself (anger towards oneself often takes on the form of depression). So please don't beat yourself up over the thoughts. Anger is simply an emotion--neither good or bad, it just is. I've talked to several other adult children of dysfunctional parents, and they have mentioned having similar violent thoughts, or they dream about it (another way the subconcious is rebelling--which is a good thing). Sorry if I seem too preachy about this...what you are doing is great with the running and singing loudly. That helps release it. I think that is another reason I love running so much. Best. Joy > > My anger scares me. When nada pushes my buttons, I walk away and I silently picture myself throwing her against a wall or something. And then I start silently screaming at myself for having violent thoughts against my mother. > > My outlets: Go for a run outdoors, it's more thrilling than running at the gym. And I recently have discovered that when I'm stressed, I want to sing really loud. So I sometimes go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs like an American Idol, although I sound more like the ones that get ridiculed and insulted. But the physical release really helps. Maybe you can find a similar way to channel the anger. And yes, let the anger drive you to NOT become your mother. Shape your life differently. > > Gibberish > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 " Gibberish " , I wouldn't worry about it. I have had the same thoughts, but even darker and more sinister than throwing my Nada against a wall. It surprised me, too, that I was capable of having such thoughts. I am not a violent person and I would never dream of doing something like this to anyone in real life unless it was self-defense. I read somewhere (i forgot where--Internet though)...that having these thoughts towards someone who abused us is normal and in fact " healthy " ! It signifies that our subconcious is waking up and rebelling against our treatment. Envisioning these things is like confronting it only mentally. It is as if we finally realize something is terribly wrong with the was we have been treated and years of compressed anger (plus interest) is finally being released. It can take many forms, including these thoughts. At least you are not turning it inward on yourself (anger towards oneself often takes on the form of depression). So please don't beat yourself up over the thoughts. Anger is simply an emotion--neither good or bad, it just is. I've talked to several other adult children of dysfunctional parents, and they have mentioned having similar violent thoughts, or they dream about it (another way the subconcious is rebelling--which is a good thing). Sorry if I seem too preachy about this...what you are doing is great with the running and singing loudly. That helps release it. I think that is another reason I love running so much. Best. Joy > > My anger scares me. When nada pushes my buttons, I walk away and I silently picture myself throwing her against a wall or something. And then I start silently screaming at myself for having violent thoughts against my mother. > > My outlets: Go for a run outdoors, it's more thrilling than running at the gym. And I recently have discovered that when I'm stressed, I want to sing really loud. So I sometimes go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs like an American Idol, although I sound more like the ones that get ridiculed and insulted. But the physical release really helps. Maybe you can find a similar way to channel the anger. And yes, let the anger drive you to NOT become your mother. Shape your life differently. > > Gibberish > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 22, 2010 Report Share Posted December 22, 2010 " Gibberish " , I wouldn't worry about it. I have had the same thoughts, but even darker and more sinister than throwing my Nada against a wall. It surprised me, too, that I was capable of having such thoughts. I am not a violent person and I would never dream of doing something like this to anyone in real life unless it was self-defense. I read somewhere (i forgot where--Internet though)...that having these thoughts towards someone who abused us is normal and in fact " healthy " ! It signifies that our subconcious is waking up and rebelling against our treatment. Envisioning these things is like confronting it only mentally. It is as if we finally realize something is terribly wrong with the was we have been treated and years of compressed anger (plus interest) is finally being released. It can take many forms, including these thoughts. At least you are not turning it inward on yourself (anger towards oneself often takes on the form of depression). So please don't beat yourself up over the thoughts. Anger is simply an emotion--neither good or bad, it just is. I've talked to several other adult children of dysfunctional parents, and they have mentioned having similar violent thoughts, or they dream about it (another way the subconcious is rebelling--which is a good thing). Sorry if I seem too preachy about this...what you are doing is great with the running and singing loudly. That helps release it. I think that is another reason I love running so much. Best. Joy > > My anger scares me. When nada pushes my buttons, I walk away and I silently picture myself throwing her against a wall or something. And then I start silently screaming at myself for having violent thoughts against my mother. > > My outlets: Go for a run outdoors, it's more thrilling than running at the gym. And I recently have discovered that when I'm stressed, I want to sing really loud. So I sometimes go for a drive and sing at the top of my lungs like an American Idol, although I sound more like the ones that get ridiculed and insulted. But the physical release really helps. Maybe you can find a similar way to channel the anger. And yes, let the anger drive you to NOT become your mother. Shape your life differently. > > Gibberish > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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