Re: What was your final straw?

[Guest guest]

Last straw - turning against me when I filed for divorce

Very last straw - telling me she loved my brother who died at birth more

than she ever loved me

NC = almost 8 years now

How have I felt? Guilty and sad, but not AS guilty and sad and angry as I

would if I saw her. She makes me ill.

On Sun, Nov 28, 2010 at 3:22 PM, dawsonjade54 wrote:

>

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw?

> What was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since

> then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

> planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

> haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through

> e-mail, and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer

> and happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I

> have just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after

> all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, what she did to you is sick and disgusting.

I hope that you have been able to find some amount of happiness in your life,

you deserve it.

-Jade

>

> >

> >

> > Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> >

> > For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw?

> > What was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since

> > then?

> >

> > Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

> > planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

> >

> > I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

> > haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through

> > e-mail, and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer

> > and happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I

> > have just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> > time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after

> > all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, what she did to you is sick and disgusting.

I hope that you have been able to find some amount of happiness in your life,

you deserve it.

-Jade

>

> >

> >

> > Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> >

> > For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw?

> > What was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since

> > then?

> >

> > Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

> > planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

> >

> > I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

> > haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through

> > e-mail, and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer

> > and happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I

> > have just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> > time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after

> > all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, what she did to you is sick and disgusting.

I hope that you have been able to find some amount of happiness in your life,

you deserve it.

-Jade

>

> >

> >

> > Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> >

> > For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw?

> > What was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since

> > then?

> >

> > Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

> > planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

> >

> > I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

> > haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through

> > e-mail, and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer

> > and happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I

> > have just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> > time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after

> > all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My final straw was when my mother told me " f--- your life, this is my life " .

She told me this shortly after she went into the nursing home. I understand

that she is upset about the whole thing, but that went too far. I am 35 years

old and have swallowed her " treatment " this whole time. I dedicated my entire

life to her and this is what she says to me. I refuse to do this any longer.

I am now trying LC. It has been challenging so far because it is also the

holiday season. I am sad and feel guilty. But I feel worse when I interact

with her. I will probably send her birthday and Christmas cards, but that will

be it.

However, I am also thinking about NC. Part of me still wants to have a

relationship with her. However, every single time I try to contact her either

via phone or in person, I end up really upset. Who needs that? No one.

So for now, I am going to stick with LC.

Do what is right for you. Making the decision is the easiest part. The

commitment may be a little more challenging. But you can do it!

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through e-mail,

and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer and

happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have

just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its time to

focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after all, nadas

have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

[Guest guest]

I have contact with my nada because it is almost impossible not

to when we live in the same city and I can't hide my contact

information from her because I own a business and advertise

regularly, and because she causes more drama and aggravation in

my life if I don't have contact than if I do. I am not at all

tolerant of her misbehvior any more though. All contact is on my

terms, not hers. I no longer expose myself to her episodes. If

she won't behave I leave or hang up the phone. My life is much

more peaceful since I decided to be hard-nosed about that.

For both my sister and I, there were two last straws. The first

was when she kicked my sister out of her house while she was

home from college for Christmas break her senior year. Nada did

this at 2 AM and my sister had to walk to my house with just her

purse and the clothes she was wearing. (Most people here do not

consider it safe for a young woman to be walking around city

streets alone at that hour.) The other was when nada came to my

sister's graduation and threw a fit because my sister wasn't

where nada thought she should be at a time when she had to be

elsewhere, lining up for the ceremony. Nada was late and didn't

arrive before we left my sister's rooms and it isn't like there

was any chance that she was going to get lost walking to the

ceremony on her own.

Several weeks after the second of those two incidents my sister

joined the army and never gave nada her contact information

again so nada can't contact her except through me. Since I'd

been putting up with nada's misbehavior for twenty-odd years for

the sake of my sister, I saw no reason to do it any longer with

my sister grown and gone. Once nada got it through her head that

my sister was gone and that I wasn't putting up with misbehavior

any more her behavior got much, much better. Nada still asks me

repeatedly why my sister won't talk to her though. Which part of

" you kicked her out of the house at 2 AM " is hard to understand?

I think you are right that it is time to focus on you. If being

LC isn't enough to protect you from her episodes, try NC. If it

doesn't work for whatever reason, you can always change your

mind about it.

At 05:22 PM 11/28/2010 dawsonjade54 wrote:

>Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

>For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your

>final straw? What was the deciding factor for why you have

>NC? How have you felt since then?

>

>Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your

>feelings? Are you planning on going to NC? How do you handle

>it when your nada has an episode?

>

>I am posting this question because I have just started LC with

>my nada. I haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving

>(except once through e-mail, and once through text), and I have

>felt much more emotionally safer and happier. However, I am

>really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have just

>given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

>time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in

>general (after all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a

>damper on everything).

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Last straw: Nada began a campaigning of contacting people she had not spoken to

in 25 years ago to PROVE to me that the awful things she did never happened

(apparently, it was all a " dream " and I can't separate my dreams from real

life). Never mind the stuff's she's done in the past five years.

When I went NC, it was really just a " break. " I just needed a little time to

regroup and get myself together-a break from the mama drama. I found that the

more distance I had, the more the cloud lifted and I was able to see clearly the

abuse. That was twenty-two months ago, and it's been the best 22 months of my

life.

At first, there was a significant amount of guilt. I missed terribly the mother

I want her to be rather than the mother that she is. But in thinking of the

mother that I want her to be, I finally accepted that if she were not mentally

ill and was just a " regular " mother, she would never want me to allow anyone to

treat me the way she treats me. Mothers who are not mentally ill will do

anything to keep their kids from being abused. I believe the mother she would

be if she were not mentally ill would breathe a big sigh of relief that I don't

let anyone (her) hurt me anymore. Now I only feel minimal guilt--usually at the

holidays.

Bunny

> >Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> >

> >For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your

> >final straw? What was the deciding factor for why you have

> >NC? How have you felt since then?

> >

> >Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your

> >feelings? Are you planning on going to NC? How do you handle

> >it when your nada has an episode?

> >

> >I am posting this question because I have just started LC with

> >my nada. I haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving

> >(except once through e-mail, and once through text), and I have

> >felt much more emotionally safer and happier. However, I am

> >really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have just

> >given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> >time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in

> >general (after all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a

> >damper on everything).

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I had to smile to myself when I read that part of your post (below).

My nada is behaving herself so very much better now that I am in No Contact. It

finally registered with nada that if she mistreats Sister, she will " shoot

herself in the foot " so to speak, and neither of her children will have contact

with her.

My Sister deserved respect from our nada decades ago, and never got it. My

Sister has done so much amazingly hard, back-breaking work to make something of

herself (she is retired military and is now well-respected in her second

profession & on her way to earning a Master's degree). Sister raised her son

all alone and he turned out wonderfully well. My nephew has his BA, a solid

career path in place and is a new husband and father; we're so proud of him.

And all nada could ever say to Sister was " You're so selfish, you never spend

enough time with me " . (This was when Sister was coming over twice and sometimes

three times a week!!)

Its truly sad that in our nada's case it's like a " wolf pack " dynamic: nada was

always the dominant " alpha wolf " . But now it would appear that at last my nada

finally accepts that Sister has earned " the alpha wolf " position and nada needs

to respect Sister.

Sister (and I) are not allowing our nada to bully us any longer, really, is what

it boils down to. We're not bullying her or mistreating her in any way, but at

the same time we're not allowing her to bully us, either, by making her

accountable for her own behaviors and giving natural consequences, i.e.: bad

behavior = no contact.

-Annie

> Once nada got it through her head that

> my sister was gone and that I wasn't putting up with misbehavior

> any more her behavior got much, much better. Nada still asks me

> repeatedly why my sister won't talk to her though. Which part of

> " you kicked her out of the house at 2 AM " is hard to understand?

[Guest guest]

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

We have been very LC with my parents for the past 3 years.

I have mixed feelings about it. I chose LC instead of NC because I have

children and felt like they still get good things from their relationship with

their grandparents if I am there to supervise and make sure things stay

appropriate. Without the kids, I would much rather have just gone NC. I made

the decision with the guidance of my therapist, and have come to understand that

I have been able to learn a good deal more about how to communicate limits and

deal with anxiety than would have been possible if I had simply avoided all

contact with my parents. So, I feel good that I am able to provide my children

the opportunity to know their grandparents, and that I have been able to grow

and learn to stand up for myself and my family.

On the other hand, I still dread every contact. Once or twice in these three

years, I've thought, " My, this interaction is almost pleasant, " but never let my

guard down, and in true BPD form, my mother never fails to remind me why she's

not to be trusted. I'm actually having a debate with myself the past week or

two about whether LC is even worth it. I'm trying to go back over the pros and

cons of both options. I've had to set so many limits on contact that I really

am pretty much holding onto the last straw right now. I've told myself that one

more thing and we'll go NC. I don't know at this point what the kids would make

of it--they still occasionally ask why we can't go see their grandparents at

their house--but I try not to worry about that right now. We'll cross that

bridge if we come to it.

I hate seeing my parents' name on the caller id. I stick to limits on contact

and don't call them back unless I feel like it. I have included them in the

kids' birthdays and invited them for Christmas up to now, and I still hate that

I feel obligated to do that, but the kids like them coming (they're still

young). I hate that I have to be so hypervigilant in supervising them when they

visit, always ready to speak up or kick them out if necessary. It's exhausting.

So I have a lot of good reasons to just stop dealing with them altogether, but I

guess I'm still holding onto some kind of hope that knowing them will somehow be

beneficial to my kids. I don't know yet.

KT

[Guest guest]

Wow, Bunny, my mother did the same thing - amazing the similarities. She has

been conducting a campaign to call all of my relatives (some of whom she can't

stand and hasn't spoken to in years), as well as calling my husband's relatives

to tell them all what a good mother she is and how bad I am treating her. She

has no idea that they later call me to tell me how crazy my mother is and that

they stand behind my decision to go NC with her. She does not even realize that

she is proving to everyone who she really is, I don't even need to say a word.

Funny thing is, she is doing this because I will not allow contact with my kids.

Does she think that this is getting her closer to this goal?

> > >Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> > >

> > >For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your

> > >final straw? What was the deciding factor for why you have

> > >NC? How have you felt since then?

> > >

> > >Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your

> > >feelings? Are you planning on going to NC? How do you handle

> > >it when your nada has an episode?

> > >

> > >I am posting this question because I have just started LC with

> > >my nada. I haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving

> > >(except once through e-mail, and once through text), and I have

> > >felt much more emotionally safer and happier. However, I am

> > >really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have just

> > >given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> > >time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in

> > >general (after all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a

> > >damper on everything).

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My last straw was when I was engaged and nada didnt like my partners family. She

worked herself up into a frenzy, and then in the middle of the night went

through the phonebook, and called everyone in the state with the same last name

as the inlaws, to tell them there was a " family emergency " . One family had

children overseas at the time, and was extremely pissed off at being freaked out

like that, particularly when they found out that the " emergency " was someone

that didnt know getting engaged. Then nada and my motherinlaw had a physical

fight. My motherinlaw was a nightmare herself, and at that point I told them all

Id had enough. I did not speak to my mother again for a very long time.

Since then I became LC again, but I regret it. I wish I had nothing to do with

her. The ONLY reason I dont stay completely NC is because I know she will make

everyone elses life hell if I do. But when I get married again and have kids, or

if she moves to this state again, Im looking forward togoing NC again - I know

she will give enough reason for me to do so. For now I do what is necessary to

keep some stress off everyone elses back. I do not visit, I do not listen to

rubbish, and I only speak to her every once in a while. That is all I can

handle.

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through e-mail,

and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer and

happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have

just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its time to

focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after all, nadas

have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

[Guest guest]

telling people, right in front of me, that she only has one child, a son.

she didn't approve of my life's decisions, so therefore, she told me I was dead

to her. She labeled it " tough love. "

I was the sweetest, most considerate young adult...and I really cared about

her...but I was dead to her.

Ultimatums are funny in a way. What she did to me, now I feel like that with

her.

She taught me well. Even though she is sweet now and tries her hardest to please

me (in an unnatural way), I have felt that she is dead to me as a mom for so

many years now.

My mom taught me to " un-love " my beloved boyfriend.

Well, I've also learned to " un-love " her.

SO SAD.

This is not the way I wanted things to be...and I always wanted my mom in my

life.

Amy

Re: What was your final straw?

Last straw - turning against me when I filed for divorce

Very last straw - telling me she loved my brother who died at birth more

than she ever loved me

NC = almost 8 years now

How have I felt? Guilty and sad, but not AS guilty and sad and angry as I

would if I saw her. She makes me ill.

On Sun, Nov 28, 2010 at 3:22 PM, dawsonjade54 wrote:

>

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw?

> What was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since

> then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

> planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

> haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through

> e-mail, and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer

> and happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I

> have just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after

> all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My final straw with my fada was last christmas. My sons

First christmas. My fada got mad about the sink not working

And started throwing plates across the kitchen. Cursing and

Clearing the whole kitchen counter off, breaking everything. We

immediately packed up our stuff and left. Before we did my fada

Told me to the hell out and never come back. Because

I wasn't willing to listen to his excuses for his behavior. I am

completely NC with him but LC with my mother. My sister has done the

same thing although my younger brother and mom is still drinking their

kool aid. He is 20 and doesn't understand.

My fadas sister has stuck beside us, as she knows ALL to well his

Tantrums. Funny thing is my mothers side was behind me bur have

gradually become " flying monkeys " . They just want us to sweep it

All under the rug and act like nothing ever happened. My crazy family

have in their minds that this is my aunts fault. Lol she wasn't even

there!!! Of course you all know it's my fadas brainwashing that's led

to this conclusion. That and apparently Ive been going through a very

long period of post partum depression. That's what fada blames the

whole NC on. I have struggled with it and had to hide it for fear they

would truly think my reasoning was irrational and not truth. In the

past year we have been through a lot. My little boys been through two

surgeries and I've had two myself. One of the surgeries my fada called

my mom saying his eye was falling out!! Lol he couldn't stand that she

was down here taking care of me.

Anyway, it's been the best decision I have made. However, I miss what

should have been if that makes sense. I don't want our son to be

subjected to that violent behavior. So no matter how I feel personally

I feel it's necessary to keep away from an unsafe environment. I wish

I could go LC with Fada but I just can't risk it.

Sent from my iPhone

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> >

> > For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final

> straw? What was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have

> you felt since then?

> >

> > Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings?

> Are you planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada

> has an episode?

> >

>

> We have been very LC with my parents for the past 3 years.

>

> I have mixed feelings about it. I chose LC instead of NC because I

> have children and felt like they still get good things from their

> relationship with their grandparents if I am there to supervise and

> make sure things stay appropriate. Without the kids, I would much

> rather have just gone NC. I made the decision with the guidance of

> my therapist, and have come to understand that I have been able to

> learn a good deal more about how to communicate limits and deal with

> anxiety than would have been possible if I had simply avoided all

> contact with my parents. So, I feel good that I am able to provide

> my children the opportunity to know their grandparents, and that I

> have been able to grow and learn to stand up for myself and my family.

>

> On the other hand, I still dread every contact. Once or twice in

> these three years, I've thought, " My, this interaction is almost

> pleasant, " but never let my guard down, and in true BPD form, my

> mother never fails to remind me why she's not to be trusted. I'm

> actually having a debate with myself the past week or two about

> whether LC is even worth it. I'm trying to go back over the pros and

> cons of both options. I've had to set so many limits on contact that

> I really am pretty much holding onto the last straw right now. I've

> told myself that one more thing and we'll go NC. I don't know at

> this point what the kids would make of it--they still occasionally

> ask why we can't go see their grandparents at their house--but I try

> not to worry about that right now. We'll cross that bridge if we

> come to it.

>

> I hate seeing my parents' name on the caller id. I stick to limits

> on contact and don't call them back unless I feel like it. I have

> included them in the kids' birthdays and invited them for Christmas

> up to now, and I still hate that I feel obligated to do that, but

> the kids like them coming (they're still young). I hate that I have

> to be so hypervigilant in supervising them when they visit, always

> ready to speak up or kick them out if necessary. It's exhausting. So

> I have a lot of good reasons to just stop dealing with them

> altogether, but I guess I'm still holding onto some kind of hope

> that knowing them will somehow be beneficial to my kids. I don't

> know yet.

>

> KT

>

>

[Guest guest]

Bless your heart. I don't know if I can think of something more horrible to say

to your own child.

You say she makes you ill. I say, quite literally.

Good for you on NC. Stay safe, friend.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Last straw - turning against me when I filed for divorce

> Very last straw - telling me she loved my brother who died at birth more

> than she ever loved me

>

> NC = almost 8 years now

> How have I felt? Guilty and sad, but not AS guilty and sad and angry as I

> would if I saw her. She makes me ill.

[Guest guest]

Wow finallytsquared,

This is BPD in one line or less.

Whew!

>

> My final straw was when my mother told me " f--- your life, this is my life " .

[Guest guest]

Wow finallytsquared,

This is BPD in one line or less.

Whew!

>

> My final straw was when my mother told me " f--- your life, this is my life " .

[Guest guest]

Mine wasn't as much as a " final straw " as it was a slow, gradual decision to

stop making up for her crazy.

Ultimately, I set boundaries and she went away on her own. Yes, she tried every

hoovering trick in the book, and then stepped into a major smear campaign. She

wrote letters to my children, which I (of course) intercepted. She then did the

ultimate nasty dig by welcoming my (scary dangerous) ex-husband into her house

for family functions. I, of course, was excluded. It was a total hate tactic.

I only respond to her in two ways now: 1) Say something like: I'm surprised

you are pretending we are friends, considering how horribly you treat me, and 2)

completely ignore her.

I had to come to it gradually, and had to grieve every step of the way. I also

had to " test " two or three month-long NC periods before fully letting her go.

And, at the end of the day, it was the best decision I ever made.

Blessings,

Karla

Basically, When I stopped making up for her crazy

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through e-mail,

and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer and

happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have

just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its time to

focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after all, nadas

have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

[Guest guest]

Mine wasn't as much as a " final straw " as it was a slow, gradual decision to

stop making up for her crazy.

Ultimately, I set boundaries and she went away on her own. Yes, she tried every

hoovering trick in the book, and then stepped into a major smear campaign. She

wrote letters to my children, which I (of course) intercepted. She then did the

ultimate nasty dig by welcoming my (scary dangerous) ex-husband into her house

for family functions. I, of course, was excluded. It was a total hate tactic.

I only respond to her in two ways now: 1) Say something like: I'm surprised

you are pretending we are friends, considering how horribly you treat me, and 2)

completely ignore her.

I had to come to it gradually, and had to grieve every step of the way. I also

had to " test " two or three month-long NC periods before fully letting her go.

And, at the end of the day, it was the best decision I ever made.

Blessings,

Karla

Basically, When I stopped making up for her crazy

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through e-mail,

and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer and

happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have

just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its time to

focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after all, nadas

have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

[Guest guest]

I was in university full time. My daughter was about 6 months old, and my NADA

decides to call me in the middle of final exams ranting and screaming about what

I had " done " and " said " . Everything was a complete twisted reinvention from our

last conversation. I was under a tremendous amount of stress (4th year) and

didn't need that crap from her.

I hung up on her and sent her a letter stating that from that moment on, all

communication will be in written form only. That I will not be answering her

telephone calls, (I blocked her phone number) and that if she wished to remain

" in " our lives she'd have to accept it.

That went on for about 3 years, until my 2nd child was born. We had moved to

another house and I hadn't blocked her phone number (silly me) and she decided

to call on Christmas eve. I was very polite with her and told her that I had

sent her a parcel with all the news, and photos and some drawings that my eldest

had done and then excused myself off the phone.

She returned the parcel and I haven't heard from her since. That was in 2006.

Her loss. My gain.

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through e-mail,

and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer and

happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have

just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its time to

focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after all, nadas

have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

[Guest guest]

That's right Bunny!

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: What was your final straw?

Last straw: Nada began a campaigning of contacting people she had not spoken to

in 25 years ago to PROVE to me that the awful things she did never happened

(apparently, it was all a " dream " and I can't separate my dreams from real

life). Never mind the stuff's she's done in the past five years.

When I went NC, it was really just a " break. " I just needed a little time to

regroup and get myself together-a break from the mama drama. I found that the

more distance I had, the more the cloud lifted and I was able to see clearly the

abuse. That was twenty-two months ago, and it's been the best 22 months of my

life.

At first, there was a significant amount of guilt. I missed terribly the mother

I want her to be rather than the mother that she is. But in thinking of the

mother that I want her to be, I finally accepted that if she were not mentally

ill and was just a " regular " mother, she would never want me to allow anyone to

treat me the way she treats me. Mothers who are not mentally ill will do

anything to keep their kids from being abused. I believe the mother she would

be if she were not mentally ill would breathe a big sigh of relief that I don't

let anyone (her) hurt me anymore. Now I only feel minimal guilt--usually at the

holidays.

Bunny

> >Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

> >

> >For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your

> >final straw? What was the deciding factor for why you have

> >NC? How have you felt since then?

> >

> >Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your

> >feelings? Are you planning on going to NC? How do you handle

> >it when your nada has an episode?

> >

> >I am posting this question because I have just started LC with

> >my nada. I haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving

> >(except once through e-mail, and once through text), and I have

> >felt much more emotionally safer and happier. However, I am

> >really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have just

> >given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its

> >time to focus on me, and feeling better about everything in

> >general (after all, nadas have an excellent way of putting a

> >damper on everything).

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Great words. Mama drama? I've not heard this before; love it.

" The mother she would be if she were not mentally ill " is such a lovely thought.

I believe I will think of it this way as well.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> -a break from the mama drama. >

> I believe the mother she would be if she were not mentally ill would breathe a

big sigh of relief that I don't let anyone (her) hurt me anymore. >

> Bunny

>

[Guest guest]

My final straw ( one of them:-)) was when I saw what my nada did when my sister

was dying.

I was the bad child in the family and I didn't so eagerly fall into my nada wiaf

trap so she didin't bother if we didn't have much contact ( telephone once a

week and few visiting in a year). My sister was a good child. But when my fada

died she couldn't see nada or go to home town anymore ( for about 16 years) She

had nightmares and phobias just to thing about that. My sister was probably BPD

too or she had some other mental illness because she had a lot of problems. Nada

manipulate with her all her life - sucking sister soul bit by bit - and she

managed that they stayed in contact allmost daily - but on phone. When sister

got cancer she didn't tell nada , she was too afraid how nada would react. They

spoke with each other almost to the end and nada didn't find out nothing !!!

even when my sis was already on oxygen hardly speaking or breathing. When sis

call me to tell me what was happening ( she refuse to have a lot of contact with

me too so she called me twice a year) I immediately knew she was dying . You

could hear from her voice. My nada was talking with her daily and she didn't

figured out!!!!!!!! ???????? She is so occupied with herself that she

overlooked even if somebody is dying in front of her . So it was on me (like

with all the other things) to tell my nada that her doughtier was dying. I

managed somehow that they saw each other for the last time ( and the first time

after 16 years). Few days before my sis died she wrote a letter to nada to say

her goodby. Nada called me after that totally horrified and told me what

horrible things my sis wrote in that letter. She claimed that my sis accused her

of stiling inheritance which grandmother gave us and that she would sue nada

and even if she died my sister partner would sue her for that stolen property.

I had to calm dawn nada for hours..... I was shocked and very angry at my sister

but I understood that she was dying and probably all the anger finally came

out. I didn't talk to my sister about that I wanted to coool down first and

after few days she died. She didn't want to be buried in grave , we had to

throw her ashes to the sea. She was terrified that she yould be in the grave and

our nada would (probably with a lot of excitement - she like graves) come there

every day. It is my worst nightmare too .

I felt sorry for nada - she is sick and she can not help herself I thought. So I

decided to spent a little more time with her, try to find some peace with her

because I'm the only one left for her. I was again wey naive. I went to my nada

after the funeral (thanks god she didn't attend it) and try to comfort her. And

than she showed me a letter. It was very very deep and beautiful letter. And it

took me few hours of comforting nada and one hour driving home.....when it hit

me! In that beautiful letter was nothing about suing or about inheritance,

nothing bad at all. NOT A WORD!!! My nada invented all accusations. I was so

mad at her I could kill her when i realize what she did. Her " beautiful "

doughtier was dying and all she was thinking was about her property???!!!!!!!

She probably stoled that inheritance adn sister probably knew it and she was

afraid that sister would told me or that my sister would realise what kind of

bitch my nada was and she was afraid of her revenge OR WHAT??!!!! Or she wanted

to made me angry so I wont' g go to sister until I would calm down ( exactly

what I did, she knows me) - and she hoped that in meantime my sis would die and

won't tell me anything ???!!! This is so sick it is beyond my imagination. So

after all horrible things my nada did to my sis she managed to manipulate her

and me until the very end. I felt so bad that I believed my nada and didn't

talk to my sister about that and say proper good by to her. But we spend few

months together before that. Very hard ones because she was quite similar to

nada sometimes....

So I decided ( again...:-)) that I would go very LC again.I decided to stay in

minimum contact because nada has nobody anymore. But she had no one to suck

his or her soul....so it goes downhill with her very fast. She had anxiety

attack, became even more paranoid, she threats with suicide, she call me 10

times a day ( I don't responde) I don't know if it is real or not ( she is very

good to behave in any way that suits her - even to play madness) but I don't

care. That is her decidion, her life and she has to realize that she has a

problem who need to be fixed by mental health professionals. I feel bad and

guilty sometimes.....she is still human being...but I can not give her what she

want and if I would come closer it would destroyed me too.

I'm sorry the letter is looong again.

Have a nice day!

>

> Hello all, I just wanted to pose a question to you.

>

> For those of you who are NC with your nadas, what was your final straw? What

was the deciding factor for why you have NC? How have you felt since then?

>

> Those of you who are LC with your nadas, what are your feelings? Are you

planning on going to NC? How do you handle it when your nada has an episode?

>

> I am posting this question because I have just started LC with my nada. I

haven't talked to her since I left on thanksgiving (except once through e-mail,

and once through text), and I have felt much more emotionally safer and

happier. However, I am really considering NC with my nada. I feel like I have

just given her everything I could, and it wasn't enough, and now its time to

focus on me, and feeling better about everything in general (after all, nadas

have an excellent way of putting a damper on everything).

>

[Guest guest]

I never went NC with my mother, but I did go LC and did not see her for about 7

months prior to her death. She still called me incessently, up until the day

she died.

I went LC when I entered therapy. It was a hard thing to do because my mother

was SO demanding and demanded to know my therapist's name so she could call her

up and find out what I was telling her (inferring I was lying about her). My

mother had a keen way of making people see her side of things and believe her.

I don't know how she did it except she was jsut very good at manipulating

people. So much so that when she died, people were coming up to me at her

funeral saying things like, " your mom was my best friend. " People my age and

younger. ugh. No telling what my mother said to these people about me either.

Do I regret going LC? You know, I regret that my mother was so ill at the time

I finally was strong enough to go LC. It was just really bad timing. I have

some regrets and some sadness with the fact that I can never confront her or

explain to her what BPD is and that this is the reason for the dysfunction her

whole life. I don't think she believed there was anything wrong with her. She

felt wronged by the world and was the victim in it all in her mind. She died

believing she was unloved and nobody cared.

That makes my heart hurt.

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for sharing your stories that were no doubt painful.

[Guest guest]

You know, I sometimes wonder what I would do if nada died. I dont think I could

handle all those people coming up to me at the funeral and telling me how

fantastic they thought she was, or how much they missed her. But at the same

time, I dont think Id have the heart to tell them the truth. I think it would

almost kill me to have to go through it when all Id want to do is grab the

microphone at the service and say " you KNOW she abandoned her children from her

first marriage, you KNOW she cheated on all her partners, you KNOW she was

mentally unstable - did you also know she was violent? That she neglected her

youngest children? That she was very very mentally ill???? IM GLAD SHE'S DEAD " .

And then walk out.

Thats the fantasy, anyway...

>

>

> I never went NC with my mother, but I did go LC and did not see her for about

7 months prior to her death. She still called me incessently, up until the day

she died.

>

> I went LC when I entered therapy. It was a hard thing to do because my mother

was SO demanding and demanded to know my therapist's name so she could call her

up and find out what I was telling her (inferring I was lying about her). My

mother had a keen way of making people see her side of things and believe her.

I don't know how she did it except she was jsut very good at manipulating

people. So much so that when she died, people were coming up to me at her

funeral saying things like, " your mom was my best friend. " People my age and

younger. ugh. No telling what my mother said to these people about me either.

>

> Do I regret going LC? You know, I regret that my mother was so ill at the

time I finally was strong enough to go LC. It was just really bad timing. I

have some regrets and some sadness with the fact that I can never confront her

or explain to her what BPD is and that this is the reason for the dysfunction

her whole life. I don't think she believed there was anything wrong with her.

She felt wronged by the world and was the victim in it all in her mind. She

died believing she was unloved and nobody cared.

>

> That makes my heart hurt.

>

>

>

>

>