Re: Thanksgiving seemed to go well, but now . . . .

[Guest guest]

>

> At Thanksgiving, I let my parents know that I was pregnant. (How may of you

just smacked your foreheads and said " D'oh--what was she thinking? " I know,

I know . . . )

>

LOL! At least you know

If you don't want her to come " help, " you have every right not to let her.

I had my 4th kid last year. When she would offer ahead of time to come help

out, I'd just say, " No, thanks. I have a plan in place. If I need you, I will

let you know. " With my first baby, we didn't invite my parents over until he

was 2 weeks old. When my next two babies came, we let my parents watch our

older ones, and it was miserable but we had felt like asking them would be

better than burdening our friends (now I know better!). One of those times, she

took advantage of the time we spent in the hospital to redecorate my house!!!

Since then, I learned about BPD and boundaries, and made the decision never to

leave the kids alone with her anymore. This last time, I had lots of friends

who offered to help, and my MIL was able to come stay with us for the first few

days. It was really beautiful. We invited my parents to spend two hours with

us on Christmas Day (she's a December baby) to meet her and exchange gifts.

My mom fished for info about who was at the birth (two of my best friends are

doulas and came to my house while I was in labor), and who watched our kids. I

knew she was jealous and hurt that I didn't ask her. But I didn't care. It was

totally not worth it to try to take care of her at a time when I had so many

other people who needed my attention first.

I figured out from experience that no matter how much she needs to think of

herself as " helpful, " she just isn't. She's a big blob who sleeps until at

least noon, then sits on the couch and barks orders at my handicapped father in

between phone calls and naps. Her idea of helping with a baby is holding it

while rocking in the recliner all night. She wants to feel the cuteness of the

snuggle without actually doing anything of real assistance. It's twice as much

work having her around than it is taking care of everyone all by myself.

So, I just encourage you to know your limits and feel free to communicate them.

It's totally okay to just say, " We'll let you know when we're ready for you to

come, " and then tell her exactly how long you expect her to stay. It was so

nice saying goodbye at the end of that two hours and not having to see them

again until the baby's baptism two months later!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I wish you all the best.

KT

[Guest guest]

I have several close friends who are currently pregnant, and thay are having

problems deciding who to have at the birth/stay over/help etc. They want to

please everyone and are afraid of stepping on toes/offending others. They all

have normal relatives, but we all know how mothers, mothers-in-law and so on can

be at times.

I keep telling them that its YOUR baby, YOUR family and YOUR choice. If you want

help, Im there. If you want me to leave you the heck alone, thats perfectly

fine. If you dont want me to visit at the hospital because you only want family,

thats fine too. If you want me to leave your house because you are tired, I will

go. Anything else is unacceptable. It is not MY choice who you have around you

and for how long and what for. And if I, a friend, can understand that, then so

should your family members. What you and your partner want is what goes, end of

story.

Same for you, hun. Noone has the right to be offended by your choices in regards

to your birth and your baby. Anyone who does is extremely selfish, nada or not.

Stick to your guns!

And congratulations!!! XOX

>

> At Thanksgiving, I let my parents know that I was pregnant. (How may of you

just smacked your foreheads and said " D'oh--what was she thinking? " I know,

I know . . . )

>

> Anyway, Nada called me today, ostensibly to ask about my son's birthday party

which is nearly 4 weeks away. She wanted to know all the details, which I don't

have yet, after all, it's just a small family dinner with cake--how complicated

does that have to be? Then she jumped to the real purpose of her call--what

kind of help do I want when the new baby comes?--because she needs to know NOW.

The baby isn't due until this summer.

>

> When my son was born, I let her come down when he was 6 weeks old, not because

I needed help, but because she had been talking my whole pregnancy about how she

wanted to help since no one ever came to help her when her children were born.

When she came I let her mop my floor, and prepare a few meals, but I soon became

uncomfortable with her " help " . She was constantly texting other family members

and I suspected (it was later confirmed) that she was complaining about how I

was treating her--making her work so hard and not entertaining her--the lack of

entertainment angle is really the craziest part of the story, but it would take

forever to explain and this post is already long enough. Suffice it to say, I

do not want her " help " with any future births.

>

> This is just part of the Thanksgiving fall-out. I may or may not share the

other drama, but I had to unload some of it. It really helps to know I'm not

alone in dealing with these kinds of reactions.

>