Dear Santa, I want to slap Martha .

[Guest guest]

This was sent to me by someone and I thought it was cute.

As I live inKey West, I stopped doing what was correct & proper long

ago.

But, thought you'd enjoy reading it.

> Dear Santa,

>

> I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need

> diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want

> one little thing, and I want it deeply.

>

> I want to slap Martha .

>

> Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.

> Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all

> cozy inside just thinking about it.

>

> Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across

> the country.

>

> Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us

> all.

>

> Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned

> with gracious living.

>

> We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we

> stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

>

> We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from

> hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold.

> Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

>

> We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.

> Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do

> with it.

>

> OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with

> all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in

> last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the

> page for her ego.

>

> We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's

> only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is

> Martha Living?) When it was pointed out that she could

> microwave it, she replied, " I don't have a microwave. "

>

> The reporter, Zaslow, noted that she said this " in a tone that

> suggests you shouldn't either. " Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that,

> Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've

> learned to

> make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been

> declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

>

> In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning

> an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell " overkill " ?

> And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher,

> that qualifies as " put away " in my house! Martha tells us she's

> already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. " Last year, I made

> amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone, " she boasts. Not just

> scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about

> giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with

> such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

>

> She goes on to tell us that " homemaking is glamour for the 90s, " and

> says her most glamorous friends are " interested in stain removal, how

> to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel. " I have one piece of

> advice, Martha: " Get new friends. "

>

> Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek

> Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step

> out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by

> tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer

> art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one

> of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out

> Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

>

> The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed

> peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, " People saw me buy them. In

> an instant, they were all gone. " I hope Martha never decides to jump

> off a bridge.

>

> A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to

> rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for

> breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along:

> She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs

> to rollerblade. What a show off.

>

> If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her

> friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman

> Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000.

> But what price friendship, right?

>

> When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, " Don't envy me.

> I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy

> teachers. You should listen to them. " Zaslow must have slit a

> seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came

> hissing out, it couldn't be held back.

>

> " Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable.

> Never lower your standards, " says Martha. And of her Web Page on the

> Internet, Martha declares herself an " important presence " as she

> graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

>

> There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a

> good smack, it's Martha . But I bet I won't get my gift this

> year.

>

> You probably want to smack her yourself.

>

> Sincerely...

> A Hopeful " Child "

>