FW: This is really great .hahaha FUNNY

[Guest guest]

This is really great .hahaha FUNNY

I received this & enjoyed. Hope you do too. Some have received this but many

have not. I don't have all address to send separately.:)

LOVE,

GRANDMOMBEV

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I

don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or

comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I

want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha . Now, hear me out,

Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.

Just one good smack, right across her smug little

cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands

of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious

satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives

aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty

good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we

stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make

centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold.

We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the

furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's

creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us

can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to

do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh.

But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't

catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA

Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the

page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out

pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat

it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Living?).

When it was pointed out that she could microwave it,

she replied, " I don't have a microwave. " The reporter,

Zaslow, noted that she said this " in a tone

that suggests you shouldn't either. " Well lah-dee-dah.

Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought

me years ago, in which I've learned to make

complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has

been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next?

The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of

dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty

sets. Can you spell " overkill " ? And neatly put away,

no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that

qualifies as " put away " in my house.

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday

gifts for friends. " Last year, I made amazing

silk-lined scarves for everyone, " she boasts. Not just

scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously

not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back.

In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has

to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that " homemaking is glamour for

the 90s " and says her most glamorous friends are

" interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram

how to fold a towel. " I have one piece of advice,

Martha: get new friends. Glamorous friends fly to

Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on

yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out

for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked

away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their

days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25

most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out

Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou,

no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought

white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says,

" People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all

gone. " I hope Martha never decides to jump off a

bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets

up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh

wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what

I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously

got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to

rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how

Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272

books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost

much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what

price a friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies,

" Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural

teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should

listen to them. "

Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this

point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it

couldn't be held back. " Being an overachiever is

nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower

your standards, " says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares

herself an " important presence " as she graciously

helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone

who deserved a good smack, it's Martha . But I

bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.