TO SANDIE:

[Guest guest]

Sandie, I am going through the same thing you are going through right

now as far as your inner feelings. I am not job searching but wish I

could.

I totally understand you and hope you can, like me, try hard to just

let yourself become more of a part of this wonderful group. If you

don't need that job, you need us for sure. We love you so much and

want you to be well like all of us would like.

Yesterday I went to the pharmacy across the street, (had to drive)

and even though it is close, I had to drive cause I couldn't walk

that far. As I pulled in our parking lot, I realized that this

dreadful disease had really got a grip on me that I don't like. We

all don't like it either. No one really understands, do they? I

mean like family? They try to understand but don't, plain and simple.

When my hubby went to work this morning, I did not feel well at all.

I thought I was going to go into a panic attack and couldn't

breathe. When he said good bye and shut the door, I thought I would

never see him again. Fear overcame me and I couldn't move. That

hasn't happened to me in over 30 years. I used to have agoraphobia

30 years ago after my first hubby left me. It was horrid and I just

wanted to die. The feeling that my life is now over is the feeling I

had this morning. I can't control it, it is controlling me no matter

how sane I stay and how much I pray. Can't get used to it and don't

want to get used to it either. I hate it with every breath I

breathe. The antibiotic the pulmo gave me yesterday and the codiene

med has really helped my congestion, that much I can say, but WHO AM

I? I don't know who I am because the drugs I am taking is like being

someone else. What gives with this life?

Lou