2003 Darwin Awards

[Guest guest]

They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's

an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest

service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which

toppled over

on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with

milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited

into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire

burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died

of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2 " tall and

weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and

white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to

create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas

mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in

its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a

hollow wooden tube approx. 12 " long and 3 " in diameter. The tube's other

end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause

of his suffocation.

Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to

his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude

when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the

occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and

crashed.

They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their

ankles.

  6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no

details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his

father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face

down on the couch

naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR,

she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived

and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital -

the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the

man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over,

they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a

habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and

between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious

reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted

out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near

Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and

killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have

qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the

driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which

had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt

to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman

lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he

tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad

trestle. Fairfax County police said Barcia, a fast-food worker,

taped a bunch of these

straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end

to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia

was alone because his car was found nearby. " The length of the cord that

he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and

the ground " . Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was

" Major trauma " .

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.

The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell

of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing

all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the

building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were

dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty

navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching

into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette

lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the

warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing

was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by

the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never

been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt

tried to wash his own " balls " in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,

managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the

machine. Much to

his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on

the machine with 's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly

in the mechanism.. , who immediately passed his threshold of

pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for ,

the height of the

ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his

testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was

plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the

other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the

housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult

to injury, broke

a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and

was using to balance himself. was rushed to the hospital for

surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.

But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of

stupidity, we have allowed it.

2003 Darwin Awards

They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an

annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service

by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which

toppled over

on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with

milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the

fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house

down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of

suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2 " tall and

weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and

white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to

create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas

mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its

place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow

wooden tube approx. 12 " long and 3 " in diameter. The tube's other end was

inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his

suffocation.

Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his

family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude

when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the

occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and

crashed.

They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details

before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not

breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch

naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she

noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and

removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the

police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had

made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they

discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of

putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two

electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).

According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of

the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near

Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and

killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have

qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the

driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which

had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to

press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her

own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he

tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.

Fairfax County police said Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of

these

straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end

to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren

Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone

because his car was found nearby. " The length of the cord that he had

assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the

ground " . Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was " Major

trauma " .

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The

friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell

of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all

potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had

been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon

entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the

dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later

described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and

retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of

the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces

of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but

the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected

of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt

tried to wash his own " balls " in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,

managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.

Much to

his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the

machine with 's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the

mechanism.. , who immediately passed his threshold of pain,

collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for , the height

of the

ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles

are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. 's

scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from

him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was

compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the

washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,

broke

a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was

using to balance himself. was rushed to the hospital for surgery,

and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.

But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of

stupidity, we have allowed it.