proper holiday conduct

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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet tableknows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leaveimmediately.> Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.>> 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't findit any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into aneggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have< BR>two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!>> 3. If something co mes wi th gravy, use it. That's the whole point ofgravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of yourmashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.>> 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk orwhole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a

sports carwith an automatic transmission.>> 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to controlyour eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat otherpeople's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?>> 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is thetime for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table whilecarrying a 10-pou nd pla te of food and that vat of eggnog .>> 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, likefrosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourselfnear them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming thecenter of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leavethem behind, you're never going to see them again.>> 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin.

Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or ifyou don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always havethree. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?>> 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatorycelebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.>> 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party orget up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;start over, but hurry, January is just around the co rner. Remember thismotto to live by:> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arrivingsafely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid insideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn outand screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'>> Have a great holiday season>>

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