Re: I need help

[Guest guest]

HEY JIM THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD RIDE IN A GO-CART TO

TAKE YOUR MIND OFF EVERYDAY STRESS.AS FOR GOOD OLD FLORIDA ITS

COOL & RAINING. I LOVE THE COOL PART.......QUINT

[Guest guest]

As a parent of 21yo daughter with BPD I can feel the anguish you and

your wife are going through. Our daughter was diagnosed at age 18

and we were lucky enough to get her into the DBT program at our

local psych hospital. DBT is relatively new in Australia and is only

being offered as a research program. We thank our lucky stars every

day because we believe that his " early intervention " has been a

major factor in our daughter's " recovery " . We don't for one minute

believe that she has been cured but her completing the program has

proven to her, and us, that she's able to look for other

alternatives for the confrontational behaviour that was so much of

her pre DBT. ( program is for 12 months and she completed it Dec

2003)

It's ok to know all about the illness but when its your heartstrings

that you are forced to make decisions with, it's not so easy. One

thing we found helpful was to remind ourselves that when our

daughter was... raging, threatening, behaving sexually

inappropriately, not coming home for weeks on end, stealing family

cars, jumping trains with weapons etc, etc.. that it was the illness

creating the problem and that our daughter was still in there trying

to be that normal, intelligent, fun loving person we knew pre BPD.

We feel so blessed that, whilst not cured, but certainly more aware

of her choices and her ability to make good choices, our daughter

still lives with us and we still have a good relationship with her,

as she does with her two older sisters. She grows more independent

every day and is working towards moving out and becoming her own

person in every sense.

We believe that we are indeed winners, at this stage but also

recognise that given a negative emotional catalyst the roller

coaster may start up again. However, after much couselling for my

husband and self (together)- Eight Stage Healing process - we will

maintain our unconditional love for our daughter but remind

ourselves that baby eagles only learn to fly when pushed out of the

nest and realise that they are in charge of where they go from there.

So...after all that I believe that there is hope. There is also a

lot of heartache because of tough choices that HAVE to be made, by

both BPDs and parents. We made a vow - that we would do whatever it

takes to help her manage her illness, whether she liked it or not.

We, however have been the ones who didn't like most of it but we

have persevered and things are getting easier.

There's a group in Australia, called ARAFEMI, who provide support

for carers. They teach you to look after yourselves whilst trying to

support your loved ones. Can't give then enough credit - they

certainly saved us.

Sorry guys - a long post but I beleive that there is a sunny side -

just need to keep soldiering on.

Deb

> I am a doctor and I have a 20 year old daughter that suffer from

> BPD. For many years my wife and me we tried everything but this

> disease destroyed our life. As a doctor I know all about this

> disease but as a father it is very hard emotionally. I feel that we

> are in a dead end. Is there any hope at all? Is there any

treatment?

> Are there any parents who succeeded to win their child's BPD?

> We are looking for any help.

[Guest guest]

Hi Deb ~

My 34 year old daughter is diagnosed BPD. She was diagnosed as an

adult, and I only recently found that out. So I'm on a quest to find

out about this BPD.

You wrote:

> It's ok to know all about the illness but when its your heartstrings

> that you are forced to make decisions with, it's not so easy. One

> thing we found helpful was to remind ourselves that when our

> daughter was... raging, threatening, behaving sexually

> inappropriately, not coming home for weeks on end, stealing family

> cars, jumping trains with weapons etc, etc.. that it was the illness

> creating the problem and that our daughter was still in there trying

> to be that normal, intelligent, fun loving person we knew pre BPD.

I understand your feelings there. You see the terrible behavior,

knowing that you have a wonderful daughter in there somewhere. When I

see my raging daughter's face twisted with hatred, and hear her vile

mouth spewing garbage and intrigue all over our family, I can see

another person in her, the one who's so kind and smart and witty and

charming.

PLEASE bear with me while I work on these things, but as of right now,

well, my feeling is this:

Our children are spoiled brats and need to learn to be responsible

adults in this world. To do that, we have to be good parents (for a

change?) and insist that they and only they are going to suffer the

results of their actions. If they create a problem, they can figure

out how to fix it. If they get into legal trouble, don't expect us to

mortgage our homes to pay the legal bills; if they spend their income

inappropriately and can't pay their rent, suffer the consequences and

maybe next time they'll spend more wisely.

So...forgive me everyone for being so blunt, and remember I'm new to

this BPD thing and I'm trying to learn, but why is it that a

misbehaving child is 'sick' and it's the parent's fault somewhere

along the line for 'making them fear abandonment'?

Maybe we did a lousy job bringing them up. Maybe we did the best we

could but still did a lousy job, plain and simple. Well, as adults,

they are no longer spankable. We can't make them stand in a corner or

ground them. Unfortunately for them, they need to learn the hard way.

Haven't we all had to learn things the hard way?

The term BPD seems like a crutch to me, a way for misbehaving people

to justify their terrible choices. And if we accept the term, aren't

we enabling?

Again, please don't kick me out of here. I'm trying to learn. This

is just how I feel right now. I'm very angry with my daughter for the

things she has done. I'm very angry about her lying, stealing,

manipulating, raging vileness, and I hold her responsible.

[Guest guest]

Hi Deb

I am in Canberra with a 15 year old with BPD. She is not living at home & so

far is refusing to attend DBT , although we are thinking about 'paying' her

to go. I haven't heard of ARAFEMI, can you please elaborate?

thanks

Leslee

Re: I need help

As a parent of 21yo daughter with BPD I can feel the anguish you and

your wife are going through. Our daughter was diagnosed at age 18

and we were lucky enough to get her into the DBT program at our

local psych hospital. DBT is relatively new in Australia and is only

being offered as a research program. We thank our lucky stars every

day because we believe that his " early intervention " has been a

major factor in our daughter's " recovery " . We don't for one minute

believe that she has been cured but her completing the program has

proven to her, and us, that she's able to look for other

alternatives for the confrontational behaviour that was so much of

her pre DBT. ( program is for 12 months and she completed it Dec

2003)

It's ok to know all about the illness but when its your heartstrings

that you are forced to make decisions with, it's not so easy. One

thing we found helpful was to remind ourselves that when our

daughter was... raging, threatening, behaving sexually

inappropriately, not coming home for weeks on end, stealing family

cars, jumping trains with weapons etc, etc.. that it was the illness

creating the problem and that our daughter was still in there trying

to be that normal, intelligent, fun loving person we knew pre BPD.

We feel so blessed that, whilst not cured, but certainly more aware

of her choices and her ability to make good choices, our daughter

still lives with us and we still have a good relationship with her,

as she does with her two older sisters. She grows more independent

every day and is working towards moving out and becoming her own

person in every sense.

We believe that we are indeed winners, at this stage but also

recognise that given a negative emotional catalyst the roller

coaster may start up again. However, after much couselling for my

husband and self (together)- Eight Stage Healing process - we will

maintain our unconditional love for our daughter but remind

ourselves that baby eagles only learn to fly when pushed out of the

nest and realise that they are in charge of where they go from there.

So...after all that I believe that there is hope. There is also a

lot of heartache because of tough choices that HAVE to be made, by

both BPDs and parents. We made a vow - that we would do whatever it

takes to help her manage her illness, whether she liked it or not.

We, however have been the ones who didn't like most of it but we

have persevered and things are getting easier.

There's a group in Australia, called ARAFEMI, who provide support

for carers. They teach you to look after yourselves whilst trying to

support your loved ones. Can't give then enough credit - they

certainly saved us.

Sorry guys - a long post but I beleive that there is a sunny side -

just need to keep soldiering on.

Deb

> I am a doctor and I have a 20 year old daughter that suffer from

> BPD. For many years my wife and me we tried everything but this

> disease destroyed our life. As a doctor I know all about this

> disease but as a father it is very hard emotionally. I feel that we

> are in a dead end. Is there any hope at all? Is there any

treatment?

> Are there any parents who succeeded to win their child's BPD?

> We are looking for any help.

Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs-owner . " Stop

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