Re: New Member ~ So Sad, So Mad

[Guest guest]

My daughter is 38 and she is BP also. She went through being suicidal and

sometimes had rages. She is on SSI now and is doing better than she has in the

past few years. She lived with me for awhile and I had to confront her from

stealing from me and her thinking she could charm her way out of it and that she

could fool me. When she realized she could not (she had in the past), she quit

the stealing. I had to tell her to get out also. It is heart wrenching, but

the only way they can make it. The bottom line is we enable them to get by with

the behavior, they have no reason to try and change and only they can get help

for themselves. We cannot force them into it. They have to come to that place

themselves that they want help for themselves not for anyone else or because

they have to. My advice to you is take good care of yourself. Do something fun

for yourself and see a counselor or someone that you can vent to about your

feelings that will not judge you. This group is a

good place to start. The best of luck to you. Janna

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[Guest guest]

Thank you Janna!!

Now...I'll ask a question that just might reflect my ignorance about

things. Bear with me please, I learned of the term BPD just two

months ago, when I heard my daughter tell her lawyer she had it (she's

in big-time legal trouble for stalking a guy who broke up with her).

Anyway...here's my question...

Could BPD simply be a crutch term to describe the personality of a

person who's simply selfish and self centered, who has yet to learn

that they ARE NOT the center of the universe? Because when my

daughter knows there's no advantage to manipulate or rage at someone,

she finds another way to behave!

And I'm also horrified to see the many references that BPD may be

caused by feelings of abandonment by the mother. Lets say that it's

true, that all bpd's were abandoned. Well I was abandoned by my

mother when I was three. Whatever. I learned that she did the best

she could with what she had to work with at the time and I did a LOT

of work to heal myself and my feelings towards her. I DID NOT behave

the way BPD's are described. I never stalked anyone, or used, or

manipulated, or lied or stole because my mother left me. So...what's

up with the repeated reference to 'abandonment issues'? What about

'selfishness issues'?

Over the years I've lived some pretty deep horrors with my daughter

and I recently, finally, said, 'no more'. THEN I hear of BPD, and

some reference to protecting yourself via the eggshell book, which I

received today and look forward to reading.

Man, I've really vented here, I hope that it makes sense.

I can't accept that an adult's behavior issues can be blamed on their

parents. At some point, a person is responsible for themselves, no

matter what they lived as a child. Everyone has childhood issues to heal!

What do you think?

> My daughter is 38 and she is BP also. She went through being

suicidal and sometimes had rages. She is on SSI now and is doing

better than she has in the past few years. She lived with me for

awhile and I had to confront her from stealing from me and her

thinking she could charm her way out of it and that she could fool me.

When she realized she could not (she had in the past), she quit the

stealing. I had to tell her to get out also. It is heart wrenching,

but the only way they can make it. The bottom line is we enable them

to get by with the behavior, they have no reason to try and change and

only they can get help for themselves. We cannot force them into it.

They have to come to that place themselves that they want help for

themselves not for anyone else or because they have to. My advice to

you is take good care of yourself. Do something fun for yourself and

see a counselor or someone that you can vent to about your feelings

that will not judge you. This group is a

> good place to start. The best of luck to you. Janna

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

thankyou, thankyou thankyou for sharing your

experience. i think i vented too loudly, shared too

much the other day because all was silent. So sorry

folks.

i've read the eggshell book & others on both bipolar &

BPD, but nothing really prepares you for the

heartache. i know so well that letting my son live

with me, or even letting him call me and shout and

rage and blame, is enabling. But he is way more than

just a man with BP & BPD. He is wonderfullly funny,

extremely perceptive & sensitive, he is charming &

fun. I love him enormously. The heartache of turning

him away is huge.

And I would love to hear more on the topic of selfish

or abandoned. I have a daughter who is diagnoised with

Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Extremely self

involved. Her father believes her to be needing larger

and larger doses of love, but having gone that route

with her older brother I don't bother. I try to hold

her accountable but without a lot of success. But all

in all I feel better about myself and the whole

situation when I don't accept guilt and view it as a

maturity problem.

Interestingly enough I am still trapped in the " give

more love " band with my son.

I do have other children who are gentle and kind and

doing well, so I hope you don't misunderstand.

JM

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[Guest guest]

Dear So Sad, So Mad,

I know how you feel. I, too, am sad and mad. Sad that I can never have the

daughter I thought I had when she was a wonderful child. And mad, because I,

too have been used and manipulated for years. But, I thank you sincerely,

because your posts are reflecting exactly what I have been thinking for years,

since this all started when she was 19. She is a spoiled brat, pure and simple.

When she doesn't get her own way, she rages. SHe has the ability to turn it

on and off in an INSTANT depending on who might see her.

When she was 19 and just starting this, she raged out of control, put her

hand thru a glass frame, threatened to kill herself, etc all because I wouldn't

let her take the car that evening. I called the police, they were at my home

within 4 minutes, tops. She stopped her behavior immediately and proceeded to

flirt and charm the police officers who thought I was crazy. I made then bring

her to the local hospital for evaluation and went down there to meet with the

psychiatrist who saw her. He said she was just a bit rebellious. She had

charmed him as well. ANd this went on for years----all through college. During

summers when she was living at home, she would punch or kick holes in my

doors. She is now 31 and she has never apologized for her behavior. When I've

asked her why she had behaved this way back then, she has told me it was because

I was too controlling and I deserved what I got. Yet, she makes sure she

portrays herself in public as sweet, demure and always the VICTIM.

Now, I deal with her lousy parenting to her 2 little (ages 4 and 5) boys.

When they're at home with her, she forgets to bathe them, feeds them whatever

she can find, forgets to give the 4 yr old his asthma medication, etc. She is

constantly screaming at them and as

result, they give her a very hard time. They don't do as she says, they

write on her walls,

they " accidentally " break her things, etc. When I have them, which is often

lately, they are good as gold. We have fun together and they are alomost

always well behaved. And she can't understand why. She doesn't see that they

are

reflecting her feeligs toward them back at her!!!!

I, too, find it hard to believe that this is an illness. I really think had

I let her fall on her face years ago, she might be a heck of a lot better now.

Jean