RE: rejection

[Guest guest]

<<What is real love?

My bp daughter understands that love is being a person who takes any and

all kinds of abuse, lets her do and actively supports whatever she wants

to do even if it is destructive, and then is ready to be the rescue

squad from things she could have avoided easily.

I understand that love is teaching her to live in a safe way where she

can get along with others, preventing the crisis that she so eagerly

creates, and letting her deal with her crisis so she>>

Oh, my gosh....I'm new to this list and SO relieved to have found it! I

could have written the above description (though not so eloquently) about my

son. He is 22, adopted at age 15, not officially diagnosed as BP, but fits

almost every characteristic listed in SWOE. During our first years

together, I saw his problems as being related to attachment disorder, but

now that he's an adult, RAD has melded into BP, I guess.

I recently had to kick my son out of my home. For over a year, he has been

in a downward spiral of drug abuse (methamphetamine mostly). He had a

felony drug arrest a year ago, had 2 auto accidents while DUI, hasn't worked

for a year, and has dealt drugs. I know most parents would have evicted him

long ago, and I feel I have been too soft on him. But at the time of the

arrest, he had been talking about suicide, and I kept hoping that if he were

under my roof and had some emotional support from me, he might get away from

the drugs and seek some psychiatric help. WRONG! He got deeper and deeper

into drugs, would not look for a job, etc. And how did he respond to my

efforts to support and encourage him? With constant belittling, criticism,

etc.

And on the day when we last spoke face to face, when I had had enough of his

telling my other sons what a sh*tty house we lived in, I was confronted with

such a rage that I felt I would be obliterated. He bragged that he was

doing drugs in my house, said the cruelest things, even dared to suggest

that I wanted a sexual relationship with him. He said he never wanted to

see me again, ever. He said that when he was so depressed from breaking up

with his first true love, I did nothing to support him (I had constantly

offered to talk about it, expressed concern over how he was feeling, offered

to pay for counseling, gave him resources for therapy). Meanwhile, he said,

his friend M, had " been there for him. " In fact, M helped him find a buyer

for the meth he was trying to sell when I got suspicious and started asking

him if he were dealing, and before he sold it, M joined my son in smoking

several grams in a binge. That, I guess, is the BP's idea of " being there

for him. "

A few minutes after this argument, after I had gone downstairs in disgust,

my son ran downstairs, found another son of whom he is jealous, and punched

him in the eye. Other son calls police. BP son, in panic (probably had

drugs in the house), takes me aside, takes my face in his hands, and says,

" I have to tell you why I had to hit him. Ever since he moved back in, he's

come between us, he's ruined our relationship. " I'll never know how much of

that was sincere or if it was only manipulation as the police arrived.

We didn't speak another word, and he moved out 2 days later. He went to CA.

I've sent him several e-mails, IMs, and text messages. I just want him to

know that I do still love him, that I do want a relationship, that I want

him to take care of himself. Last night, we finally had a brief IM

exchange. I was glad we were back in communication, but I'm wary. He used

to be pretty honest with me, but the last year, I've been lied to and

manipulated so many times, I have no trust in him. So when he says he's

looking for a job, I want to believe him, but can't help but think he's

spending his days getting tweaked. I guess only time will tell.

So I guess that's my intro to the list, and my thank you that there are

other people wrestling with these issues of rejection, acceptance, etc.

Galen

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[Guest guest]

Hello Galen - keep reading and posting - it's a great bunch of folks here.

Did your son live with you for an extended period of time previous to his

adoption? Birth-parent(s) - do you know of his/her/their history?

I'm glad you've been able to have contact w/him again. Being wary is being

protective of yourself and other family members. Substance abuse and pds

are a pretty volatile mix - as if one or the other alone isn't...right??

But together, certain disaster. I truly hope he seeks help for himself,

sounds like he has a pretty good support system w/you.

Take care - k

RE: rejection

<<What is real love?

My bp daughter understands that love is being a person who takes any and

all kinds of abuse, lets her do and actively supports whatever she wants

to do even if it is destructive, and then is ready to be the rescue

squad from things she could have avoided easily.

I understand that love is teaching her to live in a safe way where she

can get along with others, preventing the crisis that she so eagerly

creates, and letting her deal with her crisis so she>>

Oh, my gosh....I'm new to this list and SO relieved to have found it! I

could have written the above description (though not so eloquently) about my

son. He is 22, adopted at age 15, not officially diagnosed as BP, but fits

almost every characteristic listed in SWOE. During our first years

together, I saw his problems as being related to attachment disorder, but

now that he's an adult, RAD has melded into BP, I guess.

I recently had to kick my son out of my home. For over a year, he has been

in a downward spiral of drug abuse (methamphetamine mostly). He had a

felony drug arrest a year ago, had 2 auto accidents while DUI, hasn't worked

for a year, and has dealt drugs. I know most parents would have evicted him

long ago, and I feel I have been too soft on him. But at the time of the

arrest, he had been talking about suicide, and I kept hoping that if he were

under my roof and had some emotional support from me, he might get away from

the drugs and seek some psychiatric help. WRONG! He got deeper and deeper

into drugs, would not look for a job, etc. And how did he respond to my

efforts to support and encourage him? With constant belittling, criticism,

etc.

And on the day when we last spoke face to face, when I had had enough of his

telling my other sons what a sh*tty house we lived in, I was confronted with

such a rage that I felt I would be obliterated. He bragged that he was

doing drugs in my house, said the cruelest things, even dared to suggest

that I wanted a sexual relationship with him. He said he never wanted to

see me again, ever. He said that when he was so depressed from breaking up

with his first true love, I did nothing to support him (I had constantly

offered to talk about it, expressed concern over how he was feeling, offered

to pay for counseling, gave him resources for therapy). Meanwhile, he said,

his friend M, had " been there for him. " In fact, M helped him find a buyer

for the meth he was trying to sell when I got suspicious and started asking

him if he were dealing, and before he sold it, M joined my son in smoking

several grams in a binge. That, I guess, is the BP's idea of " being there

for him. "

A few minutes after this argument, after I had gone downstairs in disgust,

my son ran downstairs, found another son of whom he is jealous, and punched

him in the eye. Other son calls police. BP son, in panic (probably had

drugs in the house), takes me aside, takes my face in his hands, and says,

" I have to tell you why I had to hit him. Ever since he moved back in, he's

come between us, he's ruined our relationship. " I'll never know how much of

that was sincere or if it was only manipulation as the police arrived.

We didn't speak another word, and he moved out 2 days later. He went to CA.

I've sent him several e-mails, IMs, and text messages. I just want him to

know that I do still love him, that I do want a relationship, that I want

him to take care of himself. Last night, we finally had a brief IM

exchange. I was glad we were back in communication, but I'm wary. He used

to be pretty honest with me, but the last year, I've been lied to and

manipulated so many times, I have no trust in him. So when he says he's

looking for a job, I want to believe him, but can't help but think he's

spending his days getting tweaked. I guess only time will tell.

So I guess that's my intro to the list, and my thank you that there are

other people wrestling with these issues of rejection, acceptance, etc.

Galen

_________________________________________________________________

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Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via

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http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

<<Did your son live with you for an extended period of time previous to his

adoption? Birth-parent(s) - do you know of his/her/their history?>>

No, my son is from Russia...he spent his whole life from the age of 10

months until he was 15 in orphanages. I have 3 children who are the

products of Russian chilldren's homes, and it isn't pretty what 10-14 years

in institutions does to a kid. They all had very serious psychological

problems. But this son, who showed the most overt problems in our initial

years together, had come so far. He had actually developed an attachment to

me and had made some real progress emotionally...then came the drugs.

I wish my son could see me as a source of emotional support, but of course,

he pushes away the one person who truly cares and (sort of) understands him.

And now he may permanently close the door on our relationship. His drug

case had floundered in the legal system...had never been filed in a year's

time. His lawyer has told him all along that the case won't be filed or

that it will just be dismissed, and that he'lll walk away scot-free. When

our situation escalated, and it was obvious that he was only sinking further

and further into the drug use, and when he became violent with my other son,

I was desperate and very afraid for our safety. So I called the police and

got the ball rolling, and the case got filed. Right after I got that IM

from my son, I think he may have found out from his lawyer that the case got

filed and is going to the Grand Jury next Monday. No word from my son since

then...I know he'll put 2 and 2 together and figure out the case got moving

because of me. If so, it undoubtedly sent him into a rage (after 7+ years

of living in the same house with those rages, it's a relief that he's half

way across the country). In all our years together, trust and the fear of

rejection have been such big issues...I may have lost him over this, but I

felt that I had to protect myself, and that at this point, his only hope of

getting off drugs, at least long enough to clear his head and think about

his problems rationally, is to be in jail or ordered into treatment.

What a relief to find this group. If someone hasn't dealt with this

disorder, they really can't imagine what it's like to live with someone like

this or to love someone like this.

Galen

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[Guest guest]

Dear Galen - you've adopted 3 children from Russian institutes? You are SO

AWESOME! I can't even come close to comprehending the issues you've dealt

with over the years - everything from language immersion to the psych.

problems you've mentioned. How are your other two children doing?

With regards to your son, he reached out to you once, I really hope he will

do so again. You seem to be the only stable factor in his life - hopefully

he'll recognize that. You also have a great love for your children - that's

obvious.

best wishes for you and your family.

Big HUGS, k

RE: rejection

<<Did your son live with you for an extended period of time previous to his

adoption? Birth-parent(s) - do you know of his/her/their history?>>

No, my son is from Russia...he spent his whole life from the age of 10

months until he was 15 in orphanages. I have 3 children who are the

products of Russian chilldren's homes, and it isn't pretty what 10-14 years

in institutions does to a kid. They all had very serious psychological

problems. But this son, who showed the most overt problems in our initial

years together, had come so far. He had actually developed an attachment to

me and had made some real progress emotionally...then came the drugs.

I wish my son could see me as a source of emotional support, but of course,

he pushes away the one person who truly cares and (sort of) understands him.

And now he may permanently close the door on our relationship. His drug

case had floundered in the legal system...had never been filed in a year's

time. His lawyer has told him all along that the case won't be filed or

that it will just be dismissed, and that he'lll walk away scot-free. When

our situation escalated, and it was obvious that he was only sinking further

and further into the drug use, and when he became violent with my other son,

I was desperate and very afraid for our safety. So I called the police and

got the ball rolling, and the case got filed. Right after I got that IM

from my son, I think he may have found out from his lawyer that the case got

filed and is going to the Grand Jury next Monday. No word from my son since

then...I know he'll put 2 and 2 together and figure out the case got moving

because of me. If so, it undoubtedly sent him into a rage (after 7+ years

of living in the same house with those rages, it's a relief that he's half

way across the country). In all our years together, trust and the fear of

rejection have been such big issues...I may have lost him over this, but I

felt that I had to protect myself, and that at this point, his only hope of

getting off drugs, at least long enough to clear his head and think about

his problems rationally, is to be in jail or ordered into treatment.

What a relief to find this group. If someone hasn't dealt with this

disorder, they really can't imagine what it's like to live with someone like

this or to love someone like this.

Galen

_________________________________________________________________

Stop worrying about overloading your inbox - get MSN Hotmail Extra Storage!

http://join.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200362ave/direct/01/

Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs-owner . " Stop

Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via

1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of contents, see

http://www.BPDCentral.com