DISTURBING & long

[Guest guest]

I know the timing is bad.........Bruce's response to the new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm there.......not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my talking about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers (morgue) and that's where

Andy spent the week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in-law, etc. When they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of bricks...........the next one could be mine.......Would the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine. My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the guys looked at me as if to say.......what's up

with you, we could use your help. Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers, they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.....and it's still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over at our house this morning comforting me.....totally unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN?? I want to thank you all in advance.....I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before I "send". Please know this......this is not about me being "strong" and not

taking care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time. Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You jim IPF 05 alaska

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[Guest guest]

God, be with Jim this minute and every minute of every day. Give him strength to grieve his friend and neighbor. Comfort the family, let your presents be felt in all they do. Help us Lord to show Jim love and support. In Jesus name.. Amen. Love and Prayers, Peggy  ipf 6/04 Florida"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." I know the timing is bad.........Bruce's response to the new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm there.......not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my talking about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it  is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers (morgue) and that's where Andy spent the week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in-law, etc. When they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of bricks...........the next one could be mine.......Would the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine. My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the guys looked at me as if to say.......what's up with you, we could use your help. Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers, they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.....and it's still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over at our house this morning comforting me.....totally unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN?? I want to thank you all in advance.....I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before I "send". Please know this......this is not about me being "strong" and not taking care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time.  Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You jim IPF 05alaska  Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Jim,

You're entitled to "lose it". Don't beat yourself up because you couldn't do what others expected of you. There are no expectations that you have to worry about living up to.

Be good and patient with yourself, this too shall pass.

Beth in NY Fibrotic NSIP 06/06

"At the evening of life we shall be judged on our love."

St of the Cross

DISTURBING & long

I know the timing is bad......... Bruce's response to the new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm there....... not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my talking about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers

(morgue) and that's where Andy spent the week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in- law, etc. When they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of bricks...... .....the next one could be mine.......Would the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine. My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the

guys looked at me as if to say.......what' s up with you, we could use your help. Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers, they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.. ...and it's still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over at our house this morning comforting me.....totally unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN? ? I want to thank you all in advance..... I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before I

"send". Please know this......this is not about me being "strong" and not taking care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time. Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You

jim IPF 05

alaska

Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Peggy.....how kind you are,,,,,overwhelming.....jimPeggy wrote: God, be with Jim this minute and every minute of every day. Give him strength to grieve his friend and neighbor. Comfort the family, let your presents be felt in all they do. Help us Lord to show Jim love and support. In Jesus name.. Amen. Love and Prayers, Peggy ipf 6/04 Florida "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." I know the timing is bad.........Bruce's response to the new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm there.......not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my talking about the unique way in

which we in Bush Alaska deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers (morgue) and that's where Andy spent the week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in-law, etc. When they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of bricks...........the next one could be mine.......Would the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my

wife's cousin....I wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine. My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the guys looked at me as if to say.......what's up with you, we could use your help. Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers, they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.....and it's still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over at our house this morning comforting

me.....totally unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN?? I want to thank you all in advance.....I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before I "send". Please know this......this is not about me being "strong" and not taking care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time. Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You jim IPF 05 alaska Be a better sports

nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

Jim,

First, I am so sorry about your friend. Second, I know just how you felt. Last year when we buried my mom I had the same experience. I am the oldest sibling and the one who has aways taken care of everything. All holidays have always been at my house, I am the one who takes charge when someone is sick or there is a crises. But at my mom's funeral I was the only child who did not speak-I just couldn't and I did next to nothing in the planning and let my siblings take care of everything. At the gravesite I barely heard the message, all I could do was stare at the hole and think I would be next to her soon. It was such a weird feeling, sorrow for her, my family and at the same time the strongest fear I've ever had to face. No one knew what I was going through, (other than they were in shock that I was falling apart) and I don't think any of them could understand

if I had tried to explain. I'm not sure I understand all these months later. I think that like the disease itself, there is no way we can predict how we will feel, react, or handle situations in our lives until we actually face them and then we have to give ourselves and the ones around us the grace to deal with what life has handed us in whatever ways we can. There are no sure answers, no sure cures for our bodies or our emotions. But there are countless seconds of every day that we can love ourselves and our treasured friends and family and in the end I have to believe that they will add up to the minutes, and hours, and days that override the bad times and last forever. God bless you Jim, and may he keep you securely in the palms of his hands- Sarcoid/PF 3/2006

California

DISTURBING & long

I know the timing is bad......... Bruce's response to the new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm there....... not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my talking about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers

(morgue) and that's where Andy spent the week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in- law, etc. When they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of bricks...... .....the next one could be mine.......Would the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine. My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the

guys looked at me as if to say.......what' s up with you, we could use your help. Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers, they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.. ...and it's still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over at our house this morning comforting me.....totally unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN? ? I want to thank you all in advance..... I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before I

"send". Please know this......this is not about me being "strong" and not taking care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time. Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You

jim IPF 05

alaska

Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

Jim, God bless you, man. You will be in my prayers. Feel the feelings and move through. So hard to do. Take care. Leanne

Be a better pen pal. Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.

[Guest guest]

Jim,

You are not abusing us, for crying out loud. You are showing confidence in our love and friendship. I thank you for that. I have been there, done that....shakes you right to the core. I never really believed in my heart that the prognosis was real. Not until the disease progressed to a certain point. And, there was a time, just like yours when it hit me like a ton of lead. Wham! It is real! I am going to die. Will I be next?

I am so sorry about your friend. So young. While you grieve for him, it is o.k. to grieve for yourself as well. God understands. So do we.

My sympathies,

Hugs, Joyce D.PULMONARY FIBROSIS/LUPUS 1997 BRONCHIECTASIS 2004 INDIANA 2 COR. 12:10 ....when I am weak, then I am strong.>> I know the timing is bad.........Bruce's response to the new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm there.......not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my talking about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers (morgue) and that's where Andy spent the> week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in-law, etc. When they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of bricks...........the next one could be mine.......Would the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine. My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the guys looked at me as if to say.......what's up with you, we could use your help.> Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers, they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.....and it's still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over at our house this morning comforting me.....totally unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN?? I want to thank you all in advance.....I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before I "send". Please know this......this is not about me being "strong" and not taking care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about> learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time. Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You> > jim IPF 05> alaska> > > > > ---------------------------------> Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.>

[Guest guest]

ly, I'd be more disturbed if you went through that week without

it hitting hard. Only a person in complete denial and numb to their

surroundings and friends could do that. We get reminders of the

terminal nature of our disease often from many directions but none

could hit harder than what you faced. Some are fleeting, some are

longer. Also, your strength shows in your recognizing the impact and

now you'll start recovery.

> >

> > I know the timing is bad.........Bruce's response to the new Jim

is so

> " right on " . I know he's right and most days I'm there.......not

today.

> " Some days are diamonds and some days are stones " !! We buried my

> neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past Saturday night with a

> massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock, yet it wasn't. He'd

> been complaining of symptoms for months, but to various people.

Nobody

> put it all together and dropped a dime on him. His wife is my wife's

> cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may remember my

talking

> about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska deal with death,

burial,

> etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral. Well, my laid back

philosophy

> really failed me yesterday. It had been building all week without me

> being aware. First, I realized on Monday that I didn't want to see

him.

> Unusual, and I wondered about it, but stashed it away. Our small

> hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers (morgue) and that's where Andy

spent

> the

> > week. When his brothers asked me to help dressing him on Tuesday I

> declined. Something I've done many times, brothers-in-law, etc. When

> they asked my help in putting him in the casket, I declined. There

was a

> service in the church....I didn't want to go. But I did go to

support my

> wife. While Andy's best friend read the eulogy it dawned on

me....hit me

> like a ton of bricks...........the next one could be

mine.......Would

> the next one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking

about

> me next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I

> wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I

could

> not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be

mine. My

> wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was

> there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of

the

> crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the guys

looked

> at me as if to say.......what's up with you, we could use your help.

> > Because except for the shoulder bag going " psst " I DON'T LOOK

SICK!

> Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers,

they

> are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together

until

> we left the grave.....then lost it completely.....and it's still

lost

> after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a couple

hours

> ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife was over

at

> our house this morning comforting me.....totally unacceptable !!!!

My

> thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd forgotton how

awful it

> is. Intellectually, I know this will pass !! Emotionally, I'm

screaming

> out.....WHEN?? I want to thank you all in advance.....I feel as if I

> have abused you.....as you well know, there is no-one else of this

earth

> that I can tell this to. I can feel the support even before

I " send " .

> Please know this......this is not about me being " strong " and not

taking

> care of myself.....as someone said earlier, this disease is about

> > learning to think of ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with

that

> most of the time. Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank

You

> >

> > jim IPF 05

> > alaska

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo

Mobile.

> Try it now.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your kind replies...............jimLeanne Storch wrote: Jim, God bless you, man. You will be in my prayers. Feel the feelings and move through. So hard to do. Take care. Leanne Be a better pen pal. Text or chat with friends inside Yahoo! Mail. See how.

Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Jim..."advice" is not what you need, I know. I want you to know you are "heard" and understood.

In my thinking, you got a real jolt of reality and it's damn hard to face our own mortality. No matter how much we think we've come to terms with it.

As I said to you once, this stuff is not for the "faint of heart" and your heart fainted for a spell.

Yes, you'll come back from this experience but you may be changed as well.

Thanks for trusting us with your most private thinking.

A warm hug to you today!

Sher; ipf 3-06; OR.Don't fret about tomorrow, God is already there!

[Guest guest]

Jim, You have to do what is right for you.

Your posting shows how deeply you cared for your friend.

I'm sure his family will understand your actions. I understand you

totally

..

Z fibriotic NSIP/05

Z

fibriotic NSIP/o5/PA

And “mild”

PH/10/07 and Reynaud’s too!!

Potter,

reader,carousel lover and MomMom to

Darah

“I’m gonna

be iron like a lion in Zion” Bob Marley

james wallman wrote:

I know the timing is bad.........Bruce's response to the

new Jim is so "right on". I know he's right and most days I'm

there.......not today. "Some days are diamonds and some days are

stones" !! We buried my neighbor yesterday. He dropped dead this past

Saturday night with a massive heart attack. He was 49. It was a shock,

yet it wasn't. He'd been complaining of symptoms for months, but to

various people. Nobody put it all together and dropped a dime on him.

His wife is my wife's cousin, so it's been a busy week. Some of you may

remember my talking about the unique way in which we in Bush Alaska

deal with death, burial, etc. Basically it is a home-made funeral.

Well, my laid back philosophy really failed me yesterday. It had been

building all week without me being aware. First, I realized on Monday

that I didn't want to see him. Unusual, and I wondered about it, but

stashed it away. Our small hospital has 4 refrigerated drawers (morgue)

and that's where Andy spent the week. When his brothers asked me to

help dressing him on Tuesday I declined. Something I've done many

times, brothers-in-law, etc. When they asked my help in putting

him in the casket, I declined. There was a service in the church....I

didn't want to go. But I did go to support my wife. While Andy's best

friend read the eulogy it dawned on me....hit me like a ton of

bricks...........the next one could be mine.......Would the next

one be mine?? Would these folks be sitting here talking about me

next.The guy that builds the caskets is my wife's cousin....I

wondered what he saw when he looked at me......by the gravesite I could

not shake the feeling that the next hole in the ground could be mine.

My wife, Eva, can read my mind, she knew what I was thinking, she was

there, too. But no one else had a clue, in fact, while members of the

crowd were shoveling dirt, filling in the grave some of the guys looked

at me as if to say.......what's up with you, we could use your

help. Because except for the shoulder bag going "psst" I DON'T LOOK

SICK! Can anybody dig that. I knew you could. These are not strangers,

they are family, friends, and neighbors. I managed to hold it together

until we left the grave.....then lost it completely.....and it's

still lost after 24 hours. I finally got a couple hits of a benzo a

couple hours ago and that has helped me settle down. Sassa, Andy's wife

was over at our house this morning comforting me.....totally

unacceptable !!!! My thoughts have not been this black for years, I'd

forgotton how awful it is. Intellectually, I know this will pass

!! Emotionally, I'm screaming out.....WHEN?? I want to thank you

all in advance.....I feel as if I have abused you.....as you well

know, there is no-one else of this earth that I can tell this to. I can

feel the support even before I "send". Please know this......this is

not about me being "strong" and not taking care of myself.....as

someone said earlier, this disease is about learning to think of

ourselves without guilt. I'm doing okay with that most of the time.

Today I needed you......and you are there. Thank You

jim IPF 05

alaska

Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with

Yahoo Mobile. Try

it now.

No virus found in this incoming message.

Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.16.10/1160 - Release Date: 11/29/2007 8:32 PM