Words do hurt -and why

[Guest guest]

hi

" i think most all of us knew what she meant to say "

then that made me different - i read what she wrote and it genuinely

horrified me . \She has been kind enough to clarify that it was not

what she intended and i personally appreciated that .

i posted because what she said ( not what she meant !!) was

terrible . I'm not sure why everyone else (except me presumeably)

understood differently but perhaps i am being dense .

defending your child endlessly is a terrible and soul destroying

thing .. my son has special needs - i would regard that as a sad fact

rather than an insult . his brother is in a highly selective, fee

paying school in the uk and we know all there is to know about smug

people with perfect lives and perfect children . i have had

preposterous things said to me and have sometimes responded well -

other times walked away and cursed my own weakness at not having the

perfect retort. My oldest son has had to answer friends who ask why

his brother is such a weirdo ..and there are those friends who he

does not see as their parents are terrified that if invited around

he will bring his brother .

most people comment from fear and true ignorance - they really don't

know any better . i am trying to bring my oldest son up in a way that

understands that not all the world is equiped to deal with his

brother. that is both their weakness and their loss. i tell him that

if he looks in his heart he will understand that part of human

frailty is that we all fear/reject/react to that which is different .

he understands that we ALL (...apparently with the exception of a few

extrordinary individuals !!!!)...have at some time sneaked looks at

the fat person in the swimming pool , reacted with humour to the

funny foreign persons silly accent, found ourselves unable to avoid

recoiling from a person with a facial injury, been unable to decide

whether to look or look away at the person with a wheel chair, hoped

against hope that the really odd guy getting on the bus dosen't sit

next to us !!!!!!! .......all stuff that , now we know that there are

real people behind those images ,feels more uncomfortable. i grew up

next to a home for severly disabled peope . i was lucky . Others

don't know what to say , where to look , how to react and i think the

most popular thinking running through their brains at all times is

THANK GOD IT'S YOU AND NOT ME ..and if that dosen't guarentee that

they will stick their feet stright in their mouths i don't know what

would . my mother loves charlie dearly but she has said unthinking

things which would upset most people ..where do we draw the line ?

i want my son not to see the world as hostile - for three years it

was too easy - charlie would freak out , i would get told he needed a

hit (smack in the mouth was the most popular ) , he was spat at ,

laughed at by a group of twenty something girls , i was told i was

unfit to have children and louis wept more times on our outing than

not . his shame and pain was terrible to see . i am well aware of how

it feels to have to protect your children - but i still think there

is a line you don't cross. And if I EVER wished an autistic child on

another parent , even in anger , even in my home where of course i

can " vent " - what would i be telling him other than his brother is a

punishment that i would choose to inflict?

I really don't understand the contradiction between this - that we

are " chosen by god " , recipients of this divine gift because wre

are special and understanding and yet we may use a phrase where our

childs problems is made nothing more than a curse to be thrown at

other miscreant parents . which are we . perhaps that is why i don't

see myself as chosen . i think anyone given anyone as great as

charlie would have been charmed and softened by him. but then i admit

my terrible past - i used to ;ook away when the odd person sat next

to me on the bus ........

regards

Deborah