TIM

[Guest guest]

Barbara,

Just from my point of view how I felt when my sister finally came out with her cancer....( and to this day hasnt talked to me about it)..MY mom told me,

This made me feel selfish, uncaring, not trusted,not as close to her as I thought we were. Unwanted, angry, sad, fear, hurt, scared, Not important, unneeded and I could go on. The emotions i felt were just plain crazy. My sister and I were very close and it hurt me so bad she didnt tell me or talk to me. We sometimes hide our pain to protect the ones we love the most, but in fact the ones that love us most really do want to know. Much Love JBBARBARA TORREY wrote:

Thanks, Tim. Having also attended Catholic schools for the first 14 years of my life, I can understand what you're saying about the need to back off from rigidity and structure. Interesting for me to think about it. The two major parts of my life are in direct opposition to each other. At work I am surrounded by chaos. The major focus of my professional life is to help others experience, identify and make sense of the chaos in their lives and then develop strategies for coping with the dysregulation (I guess I'm a professional "organizer."). My home life is about as serene as it comes.....very little chaos. When something comes along that has the potential for throwing a wrench into the mix, I typically just see it for what it is and then flow with it. I find myself actively avoiding the structuring of my leisure time...perhaps my way of side-stepping having to follow a clear path.

Re talking about RSD with others in my life, by necessity I've spoken more about it in the past year than in the almost 13 years that I've had it. The folks at work know that I have problems with my arm and hand but almost all of them just ascribe it to permanent damage from the injury that I had. Only a few folks know about the RSD part and they are unaware of the presence of it elsewhere in my body. When everything really hit the fan last year, my sister was ballistic about the fact that I had downplayed (understatement) what had been going on for so many years. Maybe I need to reflect more on what happens with me that I tend to keep that kind of stuff so close to my chest. I'm rambling here but, like you said, that kind of posturing tends to "play havoc with those who love you." I understand her frustration. Although it was not my intention, my silence wasn't meant to be hurtful to her or anyone else. So much to

think about. Thanks for raising things that gave me an opportunity to do that. Barbara (hoping that you and others here have a good enough day)

[Guest guest]

JB,

I share issues that have arisen, but the mental anguish or deep

personal feelings I deal with alone. I don't think that it is so much

that I don't want to burden anyone with it...it's that the feelings

are raw and unsorted and not understood. I tend to go through them

and figure out what and why they are there and try to rationalize

them...once I have done that it seems that I have either worked it

out or have a clearer understanding of them...I can then express them

in a clear way.

" We sometimes hide our pain to protect the ones we love the most "

I think in many cases I hide my pain and fears to protect me, I don't

want sympathy and when people express it I get very uncomfortable and

withdrawn, it's more difficult for me to get things right in my mind

when I worry about someone worrying about me. I don't know it doesn't

make sense sometimes.

I don't know you guys on a personal level, but maybe she thought or

thinks that you are burdened enough, maybe she is scared and doesn't

know how to talk about it. Man I can only imagine what is going

through her mind maybe she has to get it straight in her head before

she can relay it to you...

I can understand your feelings 100% and I understand the point you

have made. Relationships are a compromise and I should probably be

more open about things while they are happening as apposed to when I

got them figured out...I am making the people I love feel isolated

and unneeded...eventually they will quit asking or quit showing

concern because they feel rejected and unappreciated and then I would

start feeling that no one cares.

Man this is better than Dr. Phil. Just think people pay good money

for these revelations.

Thanks,

Tim

> Thanks, Tim. Having also attended Catholic schools for the first

14 years of my life, I can understand what you're saying about the

need to back off from rigidity and structure. Interesting for me to

think about it. The two major parts of my life are in direct

opposition to each other. At work I am surrounded by chaos. The

major focus of my professional life is to help others experience,

identify and make sense of the chaos in their lives and then develop

strategies for coping with the dysregulation (I guess I'm a

professional " organizer. " ). My home life is about as serene as it

comes.....very little chaos. When something comes along that has the

potential for throwing a wrench into the mix, I typically just see it

for what it is and then flow with it. I find myself actively

avoiding the structuring of my leisure time...perhaps my way of side-

stepping having to follow a clear path.

> Re talking about RSD with others in my life, by necessity I've

spoken more about it in the past year than in the almost 13 years

that I've had it. The folks at work know that I have problems with

my arm and hand but almost all of them just ascribe it to permanent

damage from the injury that I had. Only a few folks know about the

RSD part and they are unaware of the presence of it elsewhere in my

body. When everything really hit the fan last year, my sister was

ballistic about the fact that I had downplayed (understatement) what

had been going on for so many years. Maybe I need to reflect more on

what happens with me that I tend to keep that kind of stuff so close

to my chest. I'm rambling here but, like you said, that kind of

posturing tends to " play havoc with those who love you. " I

understand her frustration. Although it was not my intention, my

silence wasn't meant to be hurtful to her or anyone else. So much to

think about. Thanks for raising things that gave me an

> opportunity to do that. Barbara (hoping that you and others here

have a good enough day)

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

i understand what you are saying. my mother lived with my great

grandparents till she was 14. he mother didn't want her and she never

knew her father. my father had alholic parents. so they both do not now

ow to show love. they love me in their own way. not the way i would

want it but their w. does it hurt. yep. but as i get older i have to

accept them for who they are, not who i want them to be. i am never

going to change them. they never say i love you. so who am i to usge.

this was their generation. no affecttion shown. cathy

[Guest guest]

,

Seems the biggest challange is not to become like my Dad, its funny

how I can see the inadquices but dang if I don't find myself behaving

that way sometimes. I had a good life, my mother was a good teacher

and as I grow older I realize just how much work she had keeping the

family and home together.

I think we can judge the times and the way things were done back

then, silence is cruel and all we can do is try and not make the same

mistakes.

Jees now that has gone full circle!...I have said in earlier post

that I work my problems out before I share them with my wife or

friends. All they know at the time is that something is bothering me

and I sit there tight lipped acting if everything is ok when they

know it is not. Hmm...

Tim

> i understand what you are saying. my mother lived with my great

> grandparents till she was 14. he mother didn't want her and she

never

> knew her father. my father had alholic parents. so they both do

not now

> ow to show love. they love me in their own way. not the way i would

> want it but their w. does it hurt. yep. but as i get older i have

to

> accept them for who they are, not who i want them to be. i am never

> going to change them. they never say i love you. so who am i to

usge.

> this was their generation. no affecttion shown. cathy

[Guest guest]

Tim,

I am so glad you were able to spend the day with your wife and share your feelings, etc.

Listening is such an easy thing to do, yet we very rarely do it, and when we do, don't often do it well. Of course, your email reminded me just how important it is to listen WELL.

Hugs,

Jo

[Guest guest]

Tim, can you please repost a link to that site?? I couldn't find it.

Janie

> the moment, please look at alldiabeticinternational-

> subscribe messages are in the hundreds and the

main

> thing that struck me was there are quite a few recipies posted

each

> day propping up the postings but very worthwhile.