Re: Connie - guilt

December 23, 2003

Dear Connie,

I had the same sort of things happen with all four of my pregnancies. I

didn't have the blood infection, but the severe nemesis with all four.

Hospitalizations, everything you mentioned. I struggled with taking the

Zofran or not because it obviously hasn't been tested on pregnant women but

with 3 other children and a husband to think about I did it. I actually have

a hernia from throwing up everything for those pregnancy months. Luke was

the only one I took Zofran with, and the only one with any sort of speech or

developmentally issues too. To say I suffered from feelings of guilt is an

understatement.

The thing about it is this: you have to allow yourself time to grieve over

this diagnosis. Personally I spent about 6 months just horribly depressed,

bad-mom thoughts, they'd be better off without me, etc. etc. Grieve over it

all: the loss of what you envisioned your child to be, the realization of

his delays/disabilities, what part you may or may not have had in the issues

he had. Admit that you feel guilty, that you might have had something to do

with the apraxia (due to med,s etc. though there is certainly to way of

proving this and most children with apraxia do not have a mom who went

through this during pregnancy).

Now. . . start TODAY just being a good mom. Try to put it (the guilt) behind

you - if you can't I encourage you to get some counseling. I did and it most

definitely helped. Please understand that I'm not saying you aren't a super

mom - You are just by being concerned at all! But ask yourself how much of

this grieving process is affecting your children today.

You cannot change the past, but you DO impact the future! :-)

Feel free to email me privately if you'd like to - the other ladies here

have already given you such sweet encouragement...

Hugs,

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