RE: crying all the time...please help me

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I am also waiting to find out if there is a *happy* ending. Some of

your story sounds so familiar. When C was younger (she is now 25) she

used to threaten to call CPS on my husband (who was not her father but

the father of my other daughter) and tell them that he had molested her

so that we would let her have her way. We made it a policy to never

allow the two of them to be alone together, but in your case, its way

too late for that.

I also recall when C was 14 and decided she wanted to go live with her

father in another state. Nothing would do but that I let her go. She

hated my husband by then and the more boundaries we tried to set, the

more she wanted to leave. After weeks of her badgering me relentlessly

24/7, I finally agreed that she could go live with her dad.

For about a month after she left I was a wonderful mom. Then she

discovered that living with her dad was not all she thought it would be.

She hated him and his wife and would call me to cuss me out and tell me

how much she hated me for making her go! (I finally quit taking her

calls) After a year, I allowed her to return home and we tried to

repair our relationship. To this day, she accuses me of choosing my

(then) husband over her and making her leave. She was not diagnosed

(BPD, bi-polar, ADHD) until she was almost 18 so I thought she was just

ridiculously out of control.

The point is that its time you quit beating up on yourself. .

Listen to me. You are in a no-win situation. No matter what you do,

she has redefined the past to fit her current reality. The more you try

to *make it up to her* the more it fits into her belief and *proves* to

her that you have done something wrong and its all your fault. Stop

torturing yourself and know that you made all of the best decisions with

the knowledge you had at the time. You can't go back and change things

and you do not owe anything to her or can fix it. BPDs have their lives

so out of control that they try to control others and she is controlling

you now with this behavior.

I know I sound like a broken record here, but I will tell you the same

thing I tell everyone. If you are not in therapy, GET in therapy. Take

care of yourself. Learn to love yourself. Come to know that you are OK

and that SHE is the one with the problem. I know you love her, but you

are torturing yourself needlessly and alienating your family members

(from what you say). Let it go. Stop trying to set the story straight.

You are only guilty of loving her and trying to make the best decisions

on her behalf. If and until she gets real help you can't fix her and

you can't make her get real help. She has changed what she believes

about the past (have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?) and nothing

you say can change it back to what really happened. This is how she

manipulates you. She can con others easily and it may take years for

her therapist to figure out he/she has been conned, if it happens at

all.

She is 16 and in her dad's care. While you have this *grace period*

take care of yourself and know that she has a roof over her head and 3

meals a day. Maybe some of her therapy will help, maybe not, but its

out of your hands. Take care of YOU. {{{hugs}}}

My best to you -

crying all the time...please help me

Hello, Everyone !!! I've been looking at this site for a couple of

weeks and decided to join in. My story is nearly identical to many of

the stories i've read here, so I beg your indulgence in hearing me

out. I desperately need " real advice " from those of you who are on the

front lines. I've been to three different therapists and on medication

and none of it helps because they don't know what I'm going through.

So here goes:

My daughter is now 16. She was born to my first husband and I. My

first husband was controlling, jealous, emotionally and occasionally

physically abusive, he may very well be BPD from all I've read.

Anyhow, when my daughter was 2 1/2 yrs old I divorced him and 2 yrs

later married a wonderful man who loved my daughter and raised and

supported her as his own. We went on to have two more girls ages 12 &

10. When my daughter was 5 my ex was starting a new family and didn't

want to pay child support so he asked if my husband could adopt her.

My husband did and against the judges orders we allowed visitations to

continue.

Everything was great, our family was happy and it was like she was

my husbands bio daughter. They got along great and seemed very close.

My daughter has always been a drama queen and sneaky and manipulative.

She would get unhappy about about a punishment or whatever and go to

teachers and tell them " stories " . She wouldn't really rage or have

temper tantrums, she would always become overly emotional to an

extreme. When she hit puberty she of course got into the make up,

clothes, and boys. We constantly butt heads about her going to school

looking like a 25 yr old streetwalker. Her grades were going downhill

and her behavior was getting increasingly rebellious, sneaky and out

of control. She went to her bio dad's every other weekend

(ie:disneyland)

and do whatever she wanted. When she was 14 ou arguments got more

frequent and we placed many restrictions on her as a result of her

behavior. Then her bio dad moved up here right next to her school,

freinds, etc.. All hell broke loose. She started " couseling " with a

male teacher on the phone at night and weekends, I learned this later,

telling him she was so unhappy and she wanted to live with her dad.

But never making any allegations. A couple months later I get a call

from CPS telling me they have my daughter in custody on grounds of

fear. Of course I'm flipping out and they won " t tell me anything. They

asked if it would be OK if they took her to her dad's while they

" sorted this out " . Freaking out and not knowing what the hell is going

on, I said yes. Next thing I know my other two girls are being

questioned at their school, but not removed, THANK GOD and We've hired

an attorney.

He found out that the teacher was " concerned " and called CPS. When

they talked to my daughter she had no allegations, only that she was

" extremely unhappy " and wanted to live with her bio dad. The

caseworker told her she couldn't help her unless there were

allegations of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse and my daughter

had a " story " for each one. Without any investgation my daughter was

removed and my husband was arrested for indecent assault. We went to

family court 3 times and her " stories " kept changing and they were so

bizarre, I felt for sure they would see this and it would all be over.

Then we went to criminal trial and after 3 days and 15 minutes

deliberation the jury aquitted my husband and he had to fight to

expunge all criminal records and get his name of the states DPW list

of sex offenders.

After all of this and $15,000.00 later we gave permenant custody

to my ex. We realized there was no way she could ever come back. But

while all this was going on I could,nt have physical contact because

she refused it. I didn't believe her so she wrote off as well as the

rest of our extended family who also doesn,t believe her. But up until

6 months ago I constantly sent letters and cards telling her how much

I love her and miss her forever, NO MATTER WHAT. She threw them all

away and I haven't seen her in 2 yrs and 2 months. I decided 6 months

ago to let her go and stopped sending anything. I've been heartbroken

and crying for two years and recently she was admitted to the Psych

ward because she started cutting herself. I called the hospital to

tell them who I was and let them know I was here and she told them to

tell me to f*** off. She,s been seeing a Psychologist for the past 1

1/2 yrs and I tried to contact him to let him know my mom and

grandfather and cousin were bipolar and probabaly bpd as well as my

daughters history, but in my state of PA. if the child is 14 or over

the doctor needs their consent to speak to anyone and she won't let

them speak to me.

So now I cry all the time and wonder if I did the right thing

letting her go and staying totally away. They diagnose her with ADHD,

PTSD, oppositional defiance, everything but what I BELIEVE she really

has BPD. Shes on Lexipro and seroquel. How can they help her if she

keeps telling her abuse lies and they believe her? How can these so

called smart professionals even believe such weird bizzare stories?

How can they do anything for her without the " whole picture " ? I am

driving my family crazy with my questions and my pain. Even my

husband, whose butt was in a sling has moved on.

Is there ever a " happy ending " ? Do these kids that do this stuff

grow up and realize what they have done and make amends? I want to

call her or go to her and wrap my arms around her, but I'm scared of

her!!!

I'm sorry this venting was so long. I,m just so heartbroken,

somedays like today I wish I could just dissappear. I'm a good actor

and my other two still have a good mom and dad, I cry alone and I hide

my sadness from them. Anything that anyone has to suggest I would

greatly appreciate!!!

Thanks for listening !!!

(luvher2much4ever)

[Guest guest]

, couldnt have said it better myself......, heed 's words. You

are at the point right now that I was at two years ago. I also, had to get

on Zoloft if only to retain some sense of sanity. I was also crying all the

time.....no matter what I did or said, it just was never good enough for my

daughter, 16 now. I like , have remarried and from the get-go, he would

NEVER EVER put himself in a situation where he would be anywhere alone with my

daughter. He wont even come home if I am not here, just so he would never be

accused of anything. is right in everything she says. You are doing

nothing wrong.

It has taken two years of my daughter doing exactly what 's " C " and your

daughter has done. We are finally approaching the leveling plain, whereas

she has decided that going to live with her father may not be that great after

all.

We've had our little episodes here, her fighting with my new husband, calling

the police on him for words spoken, etc. Of course, after the fact, she's

sorry. But the police are aware of her issues, and after so many " cry wolf "

calls, they get the pic. It's a tough road and I thought I'd never get to the

end, but I'm getting there. She has a job she likes and is good at, altho she

seems quite happy and content now, we will see when it's time to go back to

school. I am leaving this evening for a long, extremely well deserved vacation.

Sort of our honeymoon, as we had secretly married last year and had planned a

nice ceremony here with family and friends, but with all the dealings with my

daughter, that never came to light. We are going alone, leaving daughter

with relatives, and her father if he ever comes around to get her, and heading

to

Myrtle Beach. Will be back the 20th. I figure by the time I can unwind from

the last two years, we will be heading back:) But, I need this more than

anything. My daughter, a year ago, would have thrown the biggest hissy fit that

I was leaving her and not taking her, but this time all she said was, " how am

I going to get along without you, mom, for a week " . Made me feel good, but

she'll be fine. Her father recently lost his license for a DWI. There was

already years of emotional abandoment from him, from the time she was born. We

only divorced in 2002, and during the entire nasty proceedings, he continued to

reside with us, only to add to her problems, now this. I get involved with

therapy, he doesnt. This group has helped tremendously, if only to know that

I'm not alone in this. The stories I read are as if they have my daughter in

their homes. It's incredible.

I asked one woman, jokingly, what my daughter was doing at her house! Hope

you can find some solace here, keep posting and keep reading. Read " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " if you haven't already. Get the workbook, too. I'm also

reading " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " . Very good also. Go to BPD Central on

line. Read up. Altho it is quite overwhelming, it helps. If you need to talk,

or write in this case, do so. We are all here to help in any way we can. Take

care . Don't know if I'll have access to a computer for the next week,

but will try.

Debbie

[Guest guest]

, it sounds like you and your husband have been good parents, in

spite of the " shaky " past.

Once you realize that, you can stop beating yourself up and start

taking care of yourselves.

For now, you have to be there for your other children who are

suffering through this as well. They may be holding their feelings

inside so it is very important that you have good communication with

them.

As for you and your husband, I recommend the following for starters:

1. Read " Stop Walking on Eggshells "

2. Both of you should exercise regularly. Walking, running,

whatever. It will keep you healthy, take your mind off things for a

while, and even help you sleep.

3. Make a regular, standing date with your spouse every week - no

matter what. Go out to dinner, a movie, whatever. You have to be

there for each other.

Hang in There!

[Guest guest]

Thanks . I am glad that our words are helpful. This list has been so

supportive for all of us to be on.

I just wanted to set the story straight. I do not have a good relationship with

C.... in fact, I have no relationship with her at all at the moment. She is now

25 and I kicked her out of the house just this last May 1st. It was a very

painful experience and one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

I do keep tabs on her, but I do this through other people so I have no contact

with her.

C is angry with me (once again she has redefined the truth to be that I have

chosen a man over her - after all if it were about her behavior she might have

to accept responsibility for it) so she isn't talking to me. That's the easy

part! On my side, I have drawn a line in the sand in order to protect my

emotional self and my 12 year old daughter. I am not coming from an angry place

but more from a self care place and a loving place of allowing C to find her own

way and (hopefully) learn and become independent. At the present, I have

committed to no contact with her until she is taking care of herself by actively

participating in her own therapy and working to become healthy. I know that I

may relax that commitment down the road, but that would only be when I am

healthy and strong enough to have contact with C occasionally and to not allow

her to abuse me emotionally the way she does. Until then, there will be no

contact.

So you see, this does go on and on. I am still letting go of the dream of the

relationship she and I would have, but I am becoming stronger and healthier

every day. While I have turned her loose to find her own path in life, I am

also discovering my own. :-)

Hang in there and take care of yourself.