Re: Just found out about daughter

[Guest guest]

The best of luck to you. We found out about my oldest daughter's BP at about

the same age. She is now going to be 39. She lives nearby and sometimes I

think that can be worse, although I am sure if she were far away I would just

imagine the worst. Janna

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[Guest guest]

welcome Swan, I have a 42 yo daughter, who, also has been causing havoc

in our family since she was 12yo. She is charming, brilliant, and

troubled. We didn't know how to think about it for many years. I

mostly blamed myself, which fit with my daughter's beliefs. In the

last six years I have settled into the belief that she is definitely

BPD; that she didnt' cause it, nor did I. For a brief period she was

willing to see a therapist, but mostly doesn't. I have many less

fights with her now, but she still explodes my way quite regularly.

Fortunately she currently has a job that she has held for one year.

What have I learned: don't blame me or her; don't try and reason with

her when she's triggered; hear her as best I can, repeat it back to

her, and when I'm too tired/mad/impatient to do that, disengage; insert

my own ideas into conversations, but expect that she will oppose them;

don't try and get her to see things my way, just state my way; set

limits from my side and stick with them; get a support system for

myself.

Living across the country may help in that you can have contact by

e-mail, mail, phone, and then get away. The accusations are so common

for BPDs. Try and respond generally, metaphorically, don't try and

find " truth " in them. for example, if my daughter says " my life is

ruined because you didn't...... " I try and hear/say how hard it must

be to feel that your life is out of your control, that nothing you do

can make it right. Then, sometimes I slip in the idea of how, despite

her problems, she has managed to put a life together. Usually she'll

deny this, and want to turn it back to what I did wrong. Bottom line

for me is that being with my daughter is hard work, but no contact

would be much worse.

Well, I mostly intended to just welcome you, hope I didn't get too

preachy. My best to you and your daughter. v

>

> Hi everyone...I have tried to send a message, but think I lost it.  I

> have a 35 year old daughter who has been causing terrible turmoil in

> our family since she was 15.  It keeps her from keeping a

> relationship, but she has her own business and has kept it going for

> 12 years.  She is so lovely and charming, but just wild and

> uncontrolled and now is accusing us of all kinds of things.  They just

> discovered two days ago that she had BP. I don't know anything about

> it...have been reading websites on it.  It is really frightening to

> discover that your child has a mental illness.  We live across the

> country from her and don't even know how to start handling this.  So I

> am hoping to learn a lot from you all.  Thanks, Swan

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Virginia, I just wrote you a long post thanking you for your

help in the email about how to handle my daughter...and then somehow

managed to lose it in transition. (sigh) I can never believe

computers can do that to me. Or I do that to computers. I am going

to do exactly as you have advised. I printed your email and have it

on the table near where I usually sit when I talk to her...and will

look at it if I feel that I am losing ground. It is going to make a

difference in our relationship that we both know she has such an

illness, but I don't want her to give up her business because of it

and move here. She has been pretty successful the past few years and

likes her grooming business and her kennels and her clients, and even

though she is always miserable because her relationships with men do

not work out, she has had the business as an anchor. I think it

would be disasterous if she gave it up. Disasterous for both of us.

It does make me much more empathetic though now that I know how she

feels, to some degree. The book about walking on eggshells shoud be

here tomorrow. Thank you so much for your concern and your words of

advice...them mean a lot. Swan

>

> >

> > Hi everyone...I have tried to send a message, but think I lost

it.  I

> > have a 35 year old daughter who has been causing terrible turmoil

in

> > our family since she was 15.  It keeps her from keeping a

> > relationship, but she has her own business and has kept it going

for

> > 12 years.  She is so lovely and charming, but just wild and

> > uncontrolled and now is accusing us of all kinds of things. 

They

just

> > discovered two days ago that she had BP. I don't know anything

about

> > it...have been reading websites on it.  It is really

frightening

to

> > discover that your child has a mental illness.  We live across

the

> > country from her and don't even know how to start handling

this. 

So I

> > am hoping to learn a lot from you all.  Thanks, Swan

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Welcome Swan,

Your daughter is now an adult and living far from you to wreak any

havoc in your life. There really is nothing you can do, except for setting

the boundaries that you read about. Learn as much as you can at

BPDCentral.com. This support group has been a blessing, reading all the posts

from other

parents. You will get some sound advise hear and lots of hugs.

Good luck to you.

Debbie