can I tell you all things about me I don't tell anyone else?

[Guest guest]

Because none of you see my face on a daily basis it is easier to talk to you.

Funny thing about the internet. It is easier to talk to strangers than our very

own family or face to face aquaintances.

I've told you all about the fibro. You have been there for me. Thanks. Can

I tell you more?

Can I start, (without boring you I hope) and tell you deep things. For

instance I grew up with a mother who loved me but we were very poor. She had an

anxiety disorder and depression all her life. I did not realize it until she

died and I looked back. Of course they did not talk of such things then. I

love her still. But she drank alot when I was a young child. She made me sit

in bars with her sometimes until she and her friend were done drinking which was

usually 2 am. ( I won't put my 2 children near a bar). I will go only once in

a while if I have someone to keep my children. And I don't go often either.

So in the process of mom's drinking, her best drinking buddy had a son who

molested me over and over. Mom would sometimes leave me (a 4,5 or 6 year old)

in the car with a 14 year old boy. I don't know how many times it happened

because it is too cloudy for me to remember. When I finally told her when I was

about 8, she and the friend had a falling out over it for about a week, then it

was swept under the rug, never talked of again and she pretended it never

happened. I remember the shame and guilt I had as a small child because I had

done something I knew was " bad " .

Then she always told me I " would never be anything " " you'll be just like me,

you won't be able to do anything " . She believed this. But she loved me. I was

always fed and always told I was loved. She was just messed up.

Years went by, I was the only child in the family to finish high school. (I

was the baby, all the other children were out of the house by the time I started

growing up). In the meantime, I got pregnant at age 16. I had a boyfriend in

high school for about a year who I got pregnant by. I decided on my own free

will to have the baby and have it adopted out. I could not care for him. And

mom was too old by then to help me anyway. Her drinking had stopped, she worked

in a cafeteria at a hospital and her health was bad.

I had the baby at 17, I did not see him because I did not want it to hurt so

bad. They put a rag over my face when he was born and all I heard was the cry.

All I was told was " it's a boy " . Mind you the nurses or doctors gave me no pain

medicine for labor and I tore so bad I was in the hospital for a week and

couldnt even walk.

Never the less, years went by and when i was 24 I decided to go to nursing

school. Nothing was going to stop me. I went, graduated with honors and a 3.8

gpa at the age of 28. Mom was proud but did not understand how I could have

done it. Then she had the attitude sometimes that if I was a nurse, I must

think I was too good for her. But, she did love me. I helped her through her

sick years the best I could. Took her everywhere. Did what she needed and

worshipped her. She was after all, still my mom.

I became deeply depressed about 1 year after nursing school and was diagnosed

with major depression. I began the antidepressants. I married a total of three

times and finally had my 2 children I have now. They came in my 30's. When my

daughters daddy, my 2nd husband began to choose drugs over me and his 18 month

old baby, it broke my heart so bad I had multiple suicide attempts. I did not

think I could lose him and live. Of course that was not the smartest thought.

Anyway, God did not want me to die because I should have with the serious

attempts. He kept me here on earth. I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.....I AM HERE FOR

A REASON and I know that now. I now have a boyfriend of several years, and I

had a beautiful baby boy who is now 4 and a blessing to my life. I don't know

about the little son I had at 17. He is now about 26 years old somewhere.

Then along came this painful damn illness, fibro. So that is why I question

the connection between fibro, depression, brain chemistry that causes depression

and it's relation to fibro.

The fibro did not show up for years after the depression diagnosis.

thanks for listening.

I will probably be ashamed after I send this. But I have told you things here

I have never told some of the closest friends I ever had.

Love you all in christ,

agape

debra

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