Re: new diagnosis for 16 year old daughter - any advice

[Guest guest]

yes, quickly as possible, forgive yourself for not being aware of the

nature of BPD earlier. I'd say at least 75% of us are in the same boat

of figuring it out as we go. My daughter is 41, and it's only in the

past few years that I've been truly certain that BPD is what we're

dealing with. I had " kicked her out " at age 15. There are so many

actions that I would do differently now. Oh well. I am very grateful

for the knowledge and support that we all have now. Second piece of

advice: if your daughter does have BPD, pace yourself for the long

race. The ideas in SWOE are great. A combo of setting limits and

active listening really does diffuse many fights. take care, v

> I have had difficulties with my daughter since she was 5 years old. 

> She is now 16 and was just released from the hospital after a suicide

> attempt.   While this is her first attempt, she has self mutilated by

> cutting and burning herself for years.  The psychologist who examined

> her in the hospital felt she had BPD and recommended a formal psych

> evaluation with someone experienced with this disorder.  I am new to

> all of this and would appreciate any advice, particularly from

> anybody in my area, of psychiatrists you'd recommend for evaluation

> and treatment.   I am currently reading the book Stop Walking on

> Eggshells and this is such a relief - I can now see that I am not

> going crazy, I have felt for years that I am an awful parent that

> can't deal with a child - her behavior makes me feel like I'm the one

> who is being unreasonable.  Her angry outbursts scare me to death.  

> In the past I've dealt with her escalating behavior / violence by

> kicking her out of my house.  After reading the Eggshell book and

> researching this illness on the internet I can see that she

> apparently  must have abandonment issues and that probably wasn't the

> best way to deal with her - any suggestions? 

>

>

>

>

> Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs-owner .

> " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via

> 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of contents, see

> http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Can anyone tell me what I should be looking for in the children of someone

who may be either BPD or Narcissistic? I would like to catch the problem early

if it has been passed down to my 2 grandsons ( 4 and 6). My daughter seems to

fluctuate back and forth between reality as it is and her view of reality. I

don't want to look for problems in my grandsons where they don't exist, but I

don't want to let things go till it's too late as it is for my daughter.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/11/04 9:18:10 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

cascorsam@... writes:

see http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

I was hoping you'd get opinions from a therapist and/or psychiatrist. I'm

not sure I have anything to say that you will want to read. My view of

Nism isn't optimistic, I'm afraid.

In any case, towards the end of _Why is it Always About You?_, Sandy

Hotchkiss talks about her view of the etiology of NPD, but neglects the

possibility of genetic transmission and brain abnormalities entirely,

preferring to blame only poor parenting skills. She does provide a single

example of dealing with toddlers and small children she thinks is not

shame-based, but her imagined parent allows behavior that's not altogether

acceptable, fails to set adequate boundaries, and never expresses the

slightest irritation at misbehavior. Unfortunately, I don't think

Hotchkiss's views are realistic let alone workable in our society.

Other than that, I've not seen any material geared to raising children with

narcissistic personalities / traits, and no psychiatrist or therapist has

ever indicated to me that it's possible to alter a child's makeup. Kaiser

and the psych hospital pushed the use of behavioral modification, including

" 1-2-3 Magic " and " Parenting with Love and Logic. " These techniques may

effect outward behavioral manifestations, but in my opinion, do nothing to

change the perceptual and cognitive distortions inherent with BPD and NPD.

I'm not sure that's possible, anyway.

My eldest was gifted, and bright enough to out-think just about all the

techniques available at the time. He was eventually sent to an out-of-state

wilderness program, in part because his N-father was engaging in PAS

(parental alienation) and wanted to eliminate my access to our son, but

also because N-father has a longstanding pattern of using other people to

care for our children so he won't have to. The director of the wilderness

program had no idea what was going on until I provided the diagnosis.

Although my son made some progress, his essential personality remains

unaltered and I expect he will regress. He is now 17 and has been released

from the program after four years.

I still would suggest that you read Hotchkiss's book, as it does contain

some practical advice for dealing with Narcissists. I would also suggest

that you or a therapist work with your grandsons on identifying their

feelings, developing mature consciences, and becoming compassionate.

Here's a web site that offers the diagnostic criteria for NPD in the

current DSM: http://www.psychologynet.org/npd.html