Re: BPD & kids

[Guest guest]

In response to your question, my son was in pre school 2 mornings a week at

age 2 and on. In Kindergarten, for the first week, he threw such fits when I

left him that the teacher had to literally pick him up and hold him till I

left. On the first day, he actually slapped

her, BUT he's the normal, well adjusted, intelligent one. My daughter's

situation was more that she liked the academics part of school all her life (she

started pre school at age 3 and I was a Kindergarten teaacher at the school she

went to at the time), but she never was able to keep any friends in school.

It was ALWAYS that they picked on her, they did't like her, they ostracized

her, etc etc. This continued right thru college. ANY friends she had

throughout the years were always boys, never any girlfiends except for my

neighbor's

daughter, who was quite over weight and not very academically inclined, so my

daughter could probably feel superior. My son's assessment of the whole

situation in retrospect was that my daughter was unable to manipulate the girls,

but

was able to manipulate the boys as she was very pretty. But it was very odd

that she never had any girlfriends.

If there are any abandonment issues with my daughter, it was probably the

fact that her father and I were divorced when she was 2 1/2 and my son was 6

months old. I moved back to my home state when she was 4 and the children only

got to see mim very infrequently as we were 400 miles away. My ex is very cold

and unaffectionate with the children as she is now with her 2 little boys.

Even when he called them, he expected them to carry the conversation and would

get angry with me because they had nothing to say TO HIM when they were ages 5

and 3. I might add, he is a brilliant man, but has always been weird too. To

this day, he also still has no friends.

In summary, I don not think the early school experience has anything to do

with this problem. More recent studies on daycare suggest that children who

start day care early are more confident and more sociable, and do better in

elementary school since they are not dealing with the newness of being away from

home in Kindergarten ofr 1st Grade and can therefore put more of their energy on

learning.

Jean

[Guest guest]

rivka wrote:

> as far as early sx-my dtr was 5 or 6. it seemed rather sudden. a 5yr

> babysitter left, a couple of other losses-started public

> kindergarten-a change from the beloved pre-school she attended since

> 2 yo---

Hmmm, I just read Rivka's post and have a question for those who'd care

to respond. How many children who later developed BPD spent time in a

pre-school at or from the age of two? According to the research this is

a vulnerable age re attachment/abandonment stuff. I'm just curious.

- Edith

[Guest guest]

Edith,

My daughter didnt do pre-school, but did go to a sitters daily so I

could work.

Added to that, her father (my ex) was out of work one year for about 8 mos.

when she was 4, and I STILL took her and paid for a sitter while I worked.

Extreme emotional abandonment on his part from very early on and continuous.

Even now, she's 17, he's been out over 2 yrs. and she only hears from him every

couple of days by phone, sees him MAYBE once a week when he stops by for a

moment. She constantly asks me why he never tells her he loves her unless he's

been drinking. So sad.

Debbie

[Guest guest]

To the group

I have not been receiving any emails and one that I sent never got thru

yesterday.

[Guest guest]

See if you get this answer. Janna

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

cascorsam@... wrote:

> To the group

>

> I have not been receiving any emails and one that I sent never got thru

> yesterday.

Hi

Your post came through here just fine. AOL.com is not the best ISP provider.

My suggestion would be to sign in at the Yahoogroups listserv with your

password and read the posts there. After you sign in, <press> Messages

on the left. Go to:

http://www.yahoogroups.com/group/WTOparentsOfBPs

- Edith

List Manager / WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email Support Groups

cc: cascorsam@...

[Guest guest]

I stayed at home with my son until he was age 6. He only went to a daycare once

because I couldn't get his babysitter to come over.

I made the choice to stay home with him becasue of the fact you mention. And I

did see from the very start: separation anxiety. I've written before about this.

I couldn't just " leave " to pop off to the store or something. I had to do a 20

minute " transfer " where I got him involved with someone else (babysitter) until

he had sort of attached to that person via mutual activity. Then I could say

" bye " and he'd just look over his shoulde and say " oh, bye mom " like it was

nothing. But if I did not go through this process, he would scream the entire

time I was gone.

The only time I was not able to go through this process was during the transfers

in visitations with his father. I really believe that this caused a lot of his

problems, his problems going " back and forth " and having problems dealing with

the stress between me and his father.

Liz

-- Edith wrote:

rivka wrote:

> as far as early sx-my dtr was 5 or 6. it seemed rather sudden. a 5yr

> babysitter left, a couple of other losses-started public

> kindergarten-a change from the beloved pre-school she attended since

> 2 yo---

Hmmm, I just read Rivka's post and have a question for those who'd care

to respond. How many children who later developed BPD spent time in a

pre-school at or from the age of two? According to the research this is

a vulnerable age re attachment/abandonment stuff. I'm just curious.

- Edith

Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs-owner . " Stop

Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

(). For the table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

I was also divorced when my daughter was 2 1/2 and my son was 4 months old.

I then left the state (Wash DC) and returned here to my home state when my

daughter was 4. She did take the divorce and separation from her father very

badly. My son could have cared less; he had never really bonded with my ex and

my daughter had. I have personally wondered all along if the divorce had

something to do with it.

[Guest guest]

How old is your daughter now? I can relate to the lack of friendship issue

with my daughter as well. She is now 31 and has never really had a friend, at

least not a female friend. I used to always tell her that you had to be a

friend to have a friend. But she seemed to derive the greater pleasure from

complaining about how negatively others treated her. I think it has always been

a

self esteem issue with her and perhaps her feeling abandoned by her dad when we

divorced may have had something to do with it. I just don't understand why,

at 31, she can't just get it together. She maintains that there is nothing

wrong with her, so no need for counseling. Is constantly making poor, even

disastrous choices, but when I asked her if perhaps she could try to figure out

why she is constantly making self defeating choices, she says her choices are

fine and she is happy with them.

If she says nothing wrong with her life as it is, how can I ever expect her

to change?

[Guest guest]

Forgot to include my son was also in daycare as a baby-K. Somehow as

with the 3 BP's in my family(father & sons) I feel they grew up in

totally different situations .I truly think this is majorly genetic. I

adopted my kids half brother at 2 mos(they were 12 & 15, and feel he

also got a double dose from his birthmom. She was incarcerated for

stealing at the time I adopted him. I also had her blessing to raise her

child. I couldn't even imagine giving up one of mine and guess she knew

she couldn't raise him.Again, in seeing symptoms as a baby I still

believe genetics. When kids are hypersensative everything at every age

is a trauma. I resent people telling me has had a trauma. That sounds as

if he was abused.

LouAnn

in Nebraska

Diane wrote:

>

> I can recall symptoms in my daughter beginning around Kindergarten,

> they may have started before that but she was in daycare and her

> behavior was probably tolerated more than when she started school and

> her lying, stealing and other anti-social behaviors weren't something

> the school/teachers wanted to deal with. So, yes, my daughter was in

> daycare, beginning at the age of 3 months. I am also curious about

> the attachment / abandoment issues which you stated 2 year olds were

> particularly vulnerable. I left and later divorced her Dad when she

> was 2. I'm new to all this with a diagnosis given a few weeks ago.

> Has there been any research about BP and divorce?

>

> Edith wrote:rivka wrote:

>

> > as far as early sx-my dtr was 5 or 6. it seemed rather sudden. a 5yr

>

> > babysitter left, a couple of other losses-started public

> > kindergarten-a change from the beloved pre-school she attended since

>

> > 2 yo---

>

> Hmmm, I just read Rivka's post and have a question for those who'd

> care

> to respond. How many children who later developed BPD spent time in a

> pre-school at or from the age of two? According to the research this

> is

> a vulnerable age re attachment/abandonment stuff. I'm just curious.

>

> - Edith

[Guest guest]

Sorry to hear of your daughter's problems. My son is 30 and seems to

understand this BP but I still see lots of false personalities when he

is interacting and then he's most real when he crashes emotionally

around me. He's been in treatment for drugs and alcohol and most recent

incarcerated for 10 mos. worked at the comunity corrections, was the

ideal inmate and all. Then...when he gets home. All the freedom and

choices are simply too much. He is in a 3 day, 3 hr session intensive

outpatient but they're treating the addiction not the BP issues and the

OCD that drives him most. It's UP and Down... you'd think we'd get use

to being on a roller coaster. Maybe we do but it's not for the good.

My family just cannot learn/or retain a lesson. Talked to a man with the

PTI office in Omaha. He had great points for kids that cannot learn in

normal ways. Find other ways. Maybe some green and red flash cards to

show them when they are behaving or not????

There has to be answers when the consequences don't seem to phase them.

Nor punishment...they just become more self punishing.My 16 yr old

always said, bored, bored ,bored so I know in elementary school he had

that EMPTY feeling already.

sorry to ramble

LouAnn

in Nebraska

cascorsam@... wrote:

>

> How old is your daughter now? I can relate to the lack of friendship

> issue

> with my daughter as well. She is now 31 and has never really had a

> friend, at

> least not a female friend. I used to always tell her that you had to

> be a

> friend to have a friend. But she seemed to derive the greater pleasure

> from

> complaining about how negatively others treated her. I think it has

> always been a

> self esteem issue with her and perhaps her feeling abandoned by her

> dad when we

> divorced may have had something to do with it. I just don't

> understand why,

> at 31, she can't just get it together. She maintains that there is

> nothing

> wrong with her, so no need for counseling. Is constantly making poor,

> even

> disastrous choices, but when I asked her if perhaps she could try to

> figure out

> why she is constantly making self defeating choices, she says her

> choices are

> fine and she is happy with them.

> If she says nothing wrong with her life as it is, how can I ever

> expect her

> to change?