New Stepdaughter w/Possible BPD--overwhelmed

[Guest guest]

<<

I am so happy to find this site, which was referred to me by the

moderator of the non-BPD group who care for someone w/BPD. I

am newly married to a wonderful man who has three grown

children (his wife passed away). We have a loving,

communicative, happy marriage.  I am very lucky and blessed.  I

know I am a newlywed, but it is true!  His older children are 27

and 25 and have welcomed me warmly, although of course it

has been somewhat difficult at times.  But they are

well-adjusted, " healthy " people and we get

along very well. 

The problem is my husband's youngest daughter (19), who is

very difficult and very troubled.  She comes home from college at

least twice a month and will be here next week for a month for

the holidays.  I am very anxious about this upcoming time when

she is here that long. I knew she was troubled when we got

married, but thought it was primarily because my husband said

she never really grieved the loss of her mother, and I felt she

was shy, insecure and immature.  I knew it would be a challenge

and that it seemed hard for her to accept me before we got

married, but we had a much better realtionship then--not close at

all, but I felt it was a pretty good start, especially compared to

now.  I was in for a rude awakening once she began staying

here.  Neither of us (especially me) was prepared for her

behavior and the strain it would place on us.

I urged my husband to get her counseling before

she moved in (due to her unresolved grief over her mother's

death).  She goes twice a month and so far I see no

progress--although I did not know how troubled she really was

till about 3 months ago.  I myself see a psychiatrist since I am

bipolar type 2 (doing very well).  When I described my

stepdaughter's behavior to him and how upsetting it was to me,

he cautioned me about how severe her problem was and

expressed his concerns about the situation, particularly since it

could be damaging for my mental health  I have had one 2-week

relapse since this started (first one that lasted more than a day

or two in three years)--when it became clear how bad things

were with her. I ended up looking up her symptoms since he

couldn't diagnose her outright (ethically).  Once I told him I

suspected BPD he immediately agreed, although of course he

can't diagnose her without seeing her.   This is supposition, but

unfortunately I feel it is quite possible.  I am looking for

help in dealing with her and with the delicate situation of being a

stepparent  to a probable BPD (although I don't feel like a

stepparent at all due to her resentment of me--we have virtually

no relationship).

So, I am now in a happy marriage that becomes full of anxiety

and stress (mostly mine, partly his, since he is not yet able to

fully face her problems and sometimes feels I am overreacting

since she is a " kid " ) when she is home.  First, she wants

almost nothing to do with me and is clearly angry and resentful

about her father's remarriage.  That is of course somewhat

understandable, but the rest of her behavior is not.  She appears

to have a real fear of abandonment. She calls her father quite

often when she is at school and her behavior is very needy.  She

is polite to me, but very uncommunicative and sullen and

spends most of her time alone in her room.  If she knows I am

coming home she leaves to go to her room.  She is obviously

very, very angry.  She is quite moody and seems to be

depressed, with little self esteem.  I initially tried very hard to

make her feel welcome but have now backed off as there is no

communication from her at all.  She has very little social life and

few friends, and goes out only occasionally.  IIt seems she is a

" taker " , and has trouble with relationships.

She won't even go shopping by herself--she has tried to cajole

her father to go with her when she knows we have plans

together.  Her siblings are kind to her, but it appears to me that

they don't want to spend lots of time with her and I know they

have concerns about her, and maybe some resentment.   She is

EXTREMELY dependent on her father, and often is very

sarcastic, demanding, and whiny with him.  I find her treatment of

him very upsetting, and their relationship seems so

unhealthy.  This is so unlike him compared to other parts of his

life and other relationships, including with me and his other

children.

His daughter  is very bright and does well academically--one

bright spot.  He often cites this as a reason not to worry, which

makes me sad, really.   However, she looks to her father for

almost all of her emotional needs and is very, very immature.  In

most ways she is like a child.  She has never dated, and is also

becoming more and more overweight.  She dresses sloppily

and  is VERY sloppy in the house. She seems to expect her

father (and me, or anyone) to clean up after her--she leaves food,

plates, cans, etc. in her room, leaves dirty underwear in full view,

and never washes her sheets or towels.  This has bothered me

from the beginning, and is beginning to make me sick.  I am very

resentful of it but do NOT want to clean up after her.  Her father

picks up the food and dsihes when I begin to smell it ....it is

awful. Her father is bothered by this, but is afraid of

confronting her as she usually cries when he confronts her

about anything or if she doesn't get her own way.  She does not

want to take responsibility for any of her behavior or actions. I feel

that when she is here there is a real pall over us, and she " runs "

the house.  I now try to go out as much as possible--I make

plans even when I don't want to.  This of course makes me

resent her more.  She also has serious boundary issues--she

recently left her journal on my computer in full view, which

described how I " control " her father and other negative

comments about me.  She also has left erotic files on my

computer. (My counselor feels she wants me to see them and

wants to break us up if she can.)  My husband and I had a huge

fight over her leaving these things for me to see because it made

me so uncomfortable--he defended her as a " kid " again,  but it

upset him and he ended up buying me a new computer (not

expected).   We really only fight about her, so this is very

distressing.  He seems to be very manipulated by her and feels

very sorry for her, and treats her like a child in many ways.  She

will be 20 in a few months, yet seems to be about 12 or 13.

I understand the difficulties of a remarriage, but I think her

problems go way beyond that.  I have been told that her " hygiene "

issues have been going on for quite a while, even before her

mother died 3 1/2  years ago--as has some of her troubled

behavior.  Anyway, this is SO long--I am sorry!!  I will end by

saying that my husband and I have begun attending counseling

(my counselor that I need to see for my own illness

maintenance; he likes her)  to help us deal with his daughter, 

which is very good, but it is very slow.  He is aware and

concerned that she is very troubled, and that this also affects me

and our marriage, but he is still very manipulated by her and

unable to face the depth of her problems.  Borderline has not

been raised...he is nowhere near ready for that. I know this is

very painful for him, and I feel for him; he really is afraid to face

how deeply troubled she seems to be, and is very defensive of

her.  He also makes it clear how much he loves me and doesn't

want this to affect us, but it does. Any help or advice would be

welcomed!!  In particular, since I feel powerless in most ways, if I

could get help with at least dealing with her cleanliness problem

and setting limits, that would be something worthwhile.  We

would need to do it together since she barely speaks to me--I

am afraid I may lose my patience with her soon and say the

wrong thing if we don't address some of these issues. Thank

you.

[Guest guest]

I have to say I considered not replying - I'm so afraid to give you

wrong advice, and your situation is very difficult. But I can't leave

you after you put so much effort into your posting, and after all,

it's only my point of view, and you can make the judgement as to

what, if anything, you may feel could help you.

The first thing that strikes me is your own health. You sound as if

you've managed to get a good control on your illness - you must do

EVERYTHING you can to safeguard this. Dust down all those old coping

skills, I suspect you're going to need them. Consider increasing your

counselling, join some local support groups (added advantage - gets

you out of the house and away from the stress) - take your husband if

you can. I'd even consider short term medication changes as a

precautionary measure.

The 2nd thing is your husband. Sounds like you have a wonderful

marriage, and you must do what you can to safeguard that. If he's not

ready to deal with his daughter's issues, I think you're going to

have to accept that all you can do is GENTLY coach him in the general

direction of acceptance. Coach him in a way that HE comes to the

logical conclusion, don't try to force him to see what you and your

councellor see already. Raise any issues with him in such a way that

they are expressed as concern for his daughter, not as issues between

you and his daughter. As you have seen already, he is more than

willing to come to the defense of his daughter, so don't give him the

opportunity to think he needs to.

Thirdly, dealings with the daughter. This is a tough one. Setting

boundaries is the normal recommendation, but this will no doubt risk

stress between you and you husband. The way I think I would deal with

it is to try and get your husband to set some general boundary that

puts some of the issues out of sight - like you accepting her room

is 'lost' and her kingdom to be as messy/dirty as she wants, but it's

reasonable to ask that that is where it stays - in her room! It's

difficult, but I would also try to chose a moment where you might (in

your husbands presence) offer some understanding for how she must be

feeling about her mother and you coming into her life, acceptance

that she probably doesn't want to talk to you, but that if she ever

wants support, or someone to talk to, you'll try to be there for her.

And lastly. It sounds like your husband's other children have

accepted you, and have some insight into what is going on with their

sister. Is there any mileage in perhaps sensitively seeking their

advice?

Hope this helps.

Steve

>

>

>

>

>

> <<

> I am so happy to find this site, which was referred to me by the

> moderator of the non-BPD group who care for someone w/BPD. I

> am newly married to a wonderful man who has three grown

> children (his wife passed away). We have a loving,

> communicative, happy marriage.  I am very lucky and blessed.  I

> know I am a newlywed, but it is true!  His older children are 27

> and 25 and have welcomed me warmly, although of course it

> has been somewhat difficult at times.  But they are

> well-adjusted, " healthy " people and we get

> along very well. 

>

> The problem is my husband's youngest daughter (19), who is

> very difficult and very troubled.  She comes home from college at

> least twice a month and will be here next week for a month for

> the holidays.  I am very anxious about this upcoming time when

> she is here that long. I knew she was troubled when we got

> married, but thought it was primarily because my husband said

> she never really grieved the loss of her mother, and I felt she

> was shy, insecure and immature.  I knew it would be a challenge

> and that it seemed hard for her to accept me before we got

> married, but we had a much better realtionship then--not close at

> all, but I felt it was a pretty good start, especially compared to

> now.  I was in for a rude awakening once she began staying

> here.  Neither of us (especially me) was prepared for her

> behavior and the strain it would place on us.

>

> I urged my husband to get her counseling before

> she moved in (due to her unresolved grief over her mother's

> death).  She goes twice a month and so far I see no

> progress--although I did not know how troubled she really was

> till about 3 months ago.  I myself see a psychiatrist since I am

> bipolar type 2 (doing very well).  When I described my

> stepdaughter's behavior to him and how upsetting it was to me,

> he cautioned me about how severe her problem was and

> expressed his concerns about the situation, particularly since it

> could be damaging for my mental health  I have had one 2-week

> relapse since this started (first one that lasted more than a day

> or two in three years)--when it became clear how bad things

> were with her. I ended up looking up her symptoms since he

> couldn't diagnose her outright (ethically).  Once I told him I

> suspected BPD he immediately agreed, although of course he

> can't diagnose her without seeing her.   This is supposition, but

> unfortunately I feel it is quite possible.  I am looking for

> help in dealing with her and with the delicate situation of being a

> stepparent  to a probable BPD (although I don't feel like a

> stepparent at all due to her resentment of me--we have virtually

> no relationship).

>

> So, I am now in a happy marriage that becomes full of anxiety

> and stress (mostly mine, partly his, since he is not yet able to

> fully face her problems and sometimes feels I am overreacting

> since she is a " kid " ) when she is home.  First, she wants

> almost nothing to do with me and is clearly angry and resentful

> about her father's remarriage.  That is of course somewhat

> understandable, but the rest of her behavior is not.  She appears

> to have a real fear of abandonment. She calls her father quite

> often when she is at school and her behavior is very needy.  She

> is polite to me, but very uncommunicative and sullen and

> spends most of her time alone in her room.  If she knows I am

> coming home she leaves to go to her room.  She is obviously

> very, very angry.  She is quite moody and seems to be

> depressed, with little self esteem.  I initially tried very hard to

> make her feel welcome but have now backed off as there is no

> communication from her at all.  She has very little social life and

> few friends, and goes out only occasionally.  IIt seems she is a

> " taker " , and has trouble with relationships.

>

> She won't even go shopping by herself--she has tried to cajole

> her father to go with her when she knows we have plans

> together.  Her siblings are kind to her, but it appears to me that

> they don't want to spend lots of time with her and I know they

> have concerns about her, and maybe some resentment.   She is

> EXTREMELY dependent on her father, and often is very

> sarcastic, demanding, and whiny with him.  I find her treatment of

> him very upsetting, and their relationship seems so

> unhealthy.  This is so unlike him compared to other parts of his

> life and other relationships, including with me and his other

> children.

>

> His daughter  is very bright and does well academically--one

> bright spot.  He often cites this as a reason not to worry, which

> makes me sad, really.   However, she looks to her father for

> almost all of her emotional needs and is very, very immature.  In

> most ways she is like a child.  She has never dated, and is also

> becoming more and more overweight.  She dresses sloppily

> and  is VERY sloppy in the house. She seems to expect her

> father (and me, or anyone) to clean up after her--she leaves food,

> plates, cans, etc. in her room, leaves dirty underwear in full

view,

> and never washes her sheets or towels.  This has bothered me

> from the beginning, and is beginning to make me sick.  I am very

> resentful of it but do NOT want to clean up after her.  Her father

> picks up the food and dsihes when I begin to smell it ....it is

> awful. Her father is bothered by this, but is afraid of

> confronting her as she usually cries when he confronts her

> about anything or if she doesn't get her own way.  She does not

> want to take responsibility for any of her behavior or actions. I

feel

> that when she is here there is a real pall over us, and she " runs "

> the house.  I now try to go out as much as possible--I make

> plans even when I don't want to.  This of course makes me

> resent her more.  She also has serious boundary issues--she

> recently left her journal on my computer in full view, which

> described how I " control " her father and other negative

> comments about me.  She also has left erotic files on my

> computer. (My counselor feels she wants me to see them and

> wants to break us up if she can.)  My husband and I had a huge

> fight over her leaving these things for me to see because it made

> me so uncomfortable--he defended her as a " kid " again,  but it

> upset him and he ended up buying me a new computer (not

> expected).   We really only fight about her, so this is very

> distressing.  He seems to be very manipulated by her and feels

> very sorry for her, and treats her like a child in many ways.  She

> will be 20 in a few months, yet seems to be about 12 or 13.

>

> I understand the difficulties of a remarriage, but I think her

> problems go way beyond that.  I have been told that her " hygiene "

> issues have been going on for quite a while, even before her

> mother died 3 1/2  years ago--as has some of her troubled

> behavior.  Anyway, this is SO long--I am sorry!!  I will end by

> saying that my husband and I have begun attending counseling

> (my counselor that I need to see for my own illness

> maintenance; he likes her)  to help us deal with his daughter, 

> which is very good, but it is very slow.  He is aware and

> concerned that she is very troubled, and that this also affects me

> and our marriage, but he is still very manipulated by her and

> unable to face the depth of her problems.  Borderline has not

> been raised...he is nowhere near ready for that. I know this is

> very painful for him, and I feel for him; he really is afraid to

face

> how deeply troubled she seems to be, and is very defensive of

> her.  He also makes it clear how much he loves me and doesn't

> want this to affect us, but it does. Any help or advice would be

> welcomed!!  In particular, since I feel powerless in most ways, if

I

> could get help with at least dealing with her cleanliness problem

> and setting limits, that would be something worthwhile.  We

> would need to do it together since she barely speaks to me--I

> am afraid I may lose my patience with her soon and say the

> wrong thing if we don't address some of these issues. Thank

> you.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hallo and congratulations on your marriage. I hope you'll be very happy for

a very long time

As I read your post, I had so many, " I-know-exactly-how-you-feel-moments "

that I thought I had to respond. There are many similarities in our

situations as well as a couple of exceptions. The problems I face are with

my own daughter. I'm in my second marriage and my husband has never had his

own children. In some ways this is helpful, (he can remain reasonably

detached) and in others, it isn't ;-).

My daughter's father died when she was a child, and I attributed a lot of her

negative behavior to this, which I have since learned was a mistake. In my

second marriage, there have been times when my daughter's problems have put

unbearable strain on our relationship and there have been times when I have

very resentful about this. I too have a very good husband and a good

marriage but there is only so much 'understanding' my husband can offer.

Sometimes I think he must be sick of hearing about my daughter and probably

wishes I could just get over it and move on (advice that probably everyone on

this site has been given at some stage!)

It's interesting that you say your husband's relationship with his daughter

is so different to other relationships in his life. I feel exactly the same

way about myself. I feel as if the person who interacts with my daughter is

not the same 'me' who interacts with other people. This is because I've

spent so many years modifying my behavior to appease my child that now I

don't even like the 'me' who relates to her.

The fact that your stepdaughter does well academically is indeed a bright

spot. Mine does well too and is currently training to become a nurse whilst

raising her two children. I'm very proud of her for this, but again, I feel

mixed up at times. I'll find myself thinking, " How can someone so bright not

be aware of her own behavior........ "

My daughter is very sloppy at home too. Once she told me that she wished

no-one would visit her ever because it meant she was forced to clean up. I

joked with her and suggested that she put up a sign outside saying, " No

visitors without 3 day's notice " and she actually thought it was a good

idea!! And I know exactly what you mean about there being a " pall " over the

house when your stepdaughter is around. When my daughter was in her teens,

the only way I could put into words how her behavior would affect the

atmosphere in our home was that " if I'd look outside and see the sun, inside

it felt like it was raining. "

Despite my daughter being married and settled overseas, she still seems to

want my marriage to break up too. She'll make spiteful remarks about my

husband and used to find such delight in my confiding in her that we had

argued, that I no longer tell her any details of our relationship. (Also she

never asks!) I realize that you are in a different position than me and I'm

glad that you have a therapist to talk to.

Some words that help me are these: " This affects you but it isn't about you. "

Sorry I can't offer you any other advice - I'm new at this and I'm still

feeling overwhelmed and powerless too. Just wanted to let you know that you

aren't alone and to say " hi and hang in there. "

All the best, .