Re: Stuff

[Guest guest]

In the last 3 months I have lost two of my very closest friends... one was on

dialysis as a result of out of control diabetes and passed away in September,

one was 43 and died of breast cancer in October and then mid-November my

nephew had his little baby girl we have all waited on, " Taelor " ... and right

after

she was born, she died. Then the day before Thanksgiving, my aunt who is

like a second mom to me died.

During this time I have been working very hard to eat right and to try and

get rest because I know for me that the two things that will trip me up the

quickest is when I am overly tired and sleep deprived and when my bgs are up.

It's harder to handle even simple things, much less anything major if I am tired

or eating too much or eating junk food and causing my bgs to be higher.

One thing that I have noticed though is that my bgs seemed to be higher when

I tried to hold things together and not cry, grieve or get upset... and when I

did just allow myself to sit down and cry and get those feelings out, my

numbers came down significantly. I guess I had this false idea that if I tried

not to think about it or tried to create a diversion, my stress level would not

go up and affect my bgs. I guess our brains know when there is STUFF inside

that needs to be dealt with, even if it is not something that you actively

thinking about. It made me realize that issues that are left unresolved will

eventually potentially have an effect on my bgs or probably are already.

I have been in this Bible study group and we have been talking for quite a

while now about making amends to people where there are unresolved issues, hurts

or anger. In the last few months I have gone to 5 people that I have left

some things undone with over the years and tried to clear the slate and make

apologies where I needed to make them, clear up misunderstandings and let go of

hurt feelings and anger and to forgive the other people involved. I did this

first because I feel God has said in his Word that we are to try and live at

peace, as best we can, with all people. But I also did it because of me.

I want to be healthy and not have diabetes or other diseases determine the

quality of my lifestyle in the future... and I can't guarantee that making

certain choices will make a huge difference but I think that it will help. I

have

been eating healthy for quite a while now and am losing weight and feeling

better but I also think that through the last few months I have realized that

life is short and it's important to release as much stress and negative emotion

as we can. I have always held STUFF inside and as a result, I have not dealt

with a lot of things that needed to be faced and worked through because I hate

conflict. That is why I ended up at 378 pounds... I stuffed down all the

feelings I should have faced through the years.

However, in facing these issues and looking at them, facing so much death and

grief and allowing myself to " feel " things very deeply for the first time,

and now making the amends and making an attempt to resolve relationships and

forgive is giving me the ability to move on with my life on a new level. I

don't

want to live with regret or with anger deep inside or so much fear anymore

and I believe that this last year has been a great start in living my life in a

different way so that I am free to feel some peace, joy and experience the

good things that are in my life that may not even have been aware of before

because of all the STUFF that was going on inside of me.

I probably need to add that I have been going to a Christian Counselor who

has helped me to see some of these things and the timing was perfect because I

really think it is not just about weight loss and eating right... even though

they are both important. It's a mind, body and spirit journey... or at least

that is my belief. I have to have a different way of thinking, a different way

of eating, accompanied by exercising my body and a connection with God to be

able to see my eternal worth and value in His eyes. Somehow it's all just

sorta come together in a way that has made me very grateful for my life and it

may sound strange... but finding out that I had diabetes was one of the greatest

things that has ever happened to me. I think it shook me up enough that it

finally showed me that I HAD to change some things or I was going to be

miserable, sick and die very soon.

Standing at the graveside on Thanksgiving Day in the cold rain and wind that

was blowing was an opportunity for God to really bring to my mind the reality

of how short life is and how many regrets I would have if it was me in that

grave instead of my aunt... and I was overwhelmed at the gratitude I felt that

he had given me another day to live and another opportunity to pursue better

health and a life with a deeper purpose than I had even had the day before. I

don't have any fear of death and believe very strongly in eternal life with God

but at the same time, I want my life to be more than it has been and I

believe that the series of deaths that have been in my life have really prompted

me

to move in a direction that I might not have otherwise. I'm tired of playing

" life " and am serious about living it... and each new experience deepens that

resolve.

I'm sure this post didn't make a lot of sense... but I needed to just think

out loud a little this morning. It's 50 degrees and clear and beautiful here

today and even though I feel hungry right now, I chose to post rather than to

go get something to eat. I won't die from starvation between now and noon.

You may think that sounds silly but a few months ago, I ate every time I

felt that desire to eat that would come over me. I never thought out the

consequences... just did what I wanted, when I wanted.

Hope you are all having a good day. If not, come on down to TN... weather's

nice and you could have some grilled orange roughy with me for lunch.

Shirley from TN