Re: Any literature for a supportive family member?

[Guest guest]

Hey Gerda~ I tried, when I first started, to put together some

articles and things for my boyfriend to try to explain what I am

doing. You know what? It was a waste of time. Not that he doesn't

care, but that he just doesn't " get it. " Especially since he is

naturally thin, it just doesn't make sense to him.

The other day he came over with this little tidbit, " this woman at

work told me if you want to lose weight, you shouldn't eat after

7pm. " Hmmm, *really*!? What a novel concept! I never heard that

before! Geez what was I thinking! You know?!? It's so funny to me

because I've heard that rule since I was like 4 years old, but it is

*new* to him! So then I go into this 30 minute discourse about what

happens if you are hungry at 10pm, and don't eat, then wake up at

4am and devour everything in sight because you are starving, whereas

if you had just eaten something at 10pm you would have been fine

until morning, and therefore eaten less overall, etc., etc. and he

goes " oh, well, I dunno, that's just what she said. " Completely over

his head. Because he has never been there...

I wonder if naturally thin people hear us saying " I'm going to eat

when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full " and go Hmmm, *really*!? What

a novel concept! That's what I've been doing since I was born. What

can possibly be so difficult about that?

As far as being supportive, he is the best. He never says anything

about what I am doing or eating, or anything else. He may not

understand it, but he is not going to say or do anything about what

I am doing except to say " good job " when I tell him my little

successes. That is the kind of support I want. When I decided I

needed to start to sit at the table and eat with no distractions, he

was coming over for dinner that night. I had this long nervous

explanation planned about why we were sitting at the table now and

not watching TV, and what did he do? He said nothing, just sat at

the table and talked and ate with me. I didn't need to explain

anything, because he didn't ask. Didn't need to know anything more

than that it was important to me that we sit at the table.

So, I guess it depends on what kind of support you want. Do you want

someone to understand and discuss the details with? If so, is he

someone that can do that? Do you want someone that will just leave

you alone to do what you need to do without comment? I guess what I

am trying to say is, rather than try to get him to understand or buy

into it, which he may never do, talk to him about the support that

you need and/or want. Tell him that going through these steps is

important to you and that he doesn't need to understand or agree

with it, because you are not asking him to do it. He just needs to

not interfere with what is important to you. That would be a good

first step anyway...

JMO

Meg

IE Since Feb '08

ps. For somene to say " haven't you had enough " is seriously rude.

I'd have reemed him a new one!

>

>

> I was wondering in anyone knew of some infromative " guide " for

people

> supporting an IE member.

>

> My husband means well and i've explained the IE mentality to him

but he

> can't seem to find his place as a supporter- nor do i think he

buys

> into it. I just started IE a few weeks ago and i am giving myself

> unconditional permission to eat whatever i want. When i grabbed a

3rd

> slice of a supper deep dish pizza the other week- he couldn't hold

it

> in any longer and said something to the effect of hadn't i had

enough.

> This resulted in an argument and now he feels he can't say

anything.

>

> Any advice?

>

> Thanks, Gerda

>

[Guest guest]

First let me say that as far as I know, no there isn't such a 'guide'.

But the sassy part of me want to add that if you do go looking for it,

you may find it next to the books - Men Explained & Women Explained

(lol!!).

About the only thing that I can muster in such a situation is to say

(as calmly as possible) - Intuitive Eating is about reconnecting with

one's INternal (body) hunger signals and NOT eating for other reasons

- emotional upset/comfort and/or EXternal dictates (dieting).

If you feel it would be productive to go back over the pizza incident,

perhaps you can suggest that it would be MORE supportive of your

husband if he could edit such the remark from " Haven't you had

enough. " (which is more critical than helpful) to " Gosh you really

must be hungry! " (which is a reaction to the actual event - without

him playing EXternal monitor).

The initial part of embracing IE is more difficult than dieting

because it is NOT understood and/or 'accepted' like dieting has been.

And isn't it sad that people are ready to accept and put up with

cranky and irrational DIETERS who are in that horrible 'process', than

they are of supporting someone who is working on regaining sane and

healthy eating as nature intended for us (humans) to do?

Best wishes - Katcha

IEing since March 2007

>

>

> I was wondering in anyone knew of some infromative " guide " for people

> supporting an IE member.

>

> My husband means well and i've explained the IE mentality to him but he

> can't seem to find his place as a supporter- nor do i think he buys

> into it. I just started IE a few weeks ago and i am giving myself

> unconditional permission to eat whatever i want. When i grabbed a 3rd

> slice of a supper deep dish pizza the other week- he couldn't hold it

> in any longer and said something to the effect of hadn't i had enough.

> This resulted in an argument and now he feels he can't say anything.

>

> Any advice?

>

> Thanks, Gerda

>

[Guest guest]

Oh man your post really stung... I can completely relate to that

situation.

It sounds like your husband does not understand what emotions have

brought you to IE. Personally, I think that is okay. Everyone has

different experiences and reacts differently. I know my boyfriend

does not entirely understand but I am okay with that... as long as

there are no sarcastic or snide comments regarding weight and

food. ; )

Anyway if I were you I would sit your husband down and have a really

frank conversation about all of this. I would just explain what it

was like to live every day hating yourself, hating your body, having

everyone around you confirming that and constantly obsessing over

food to hopefully reach an unrealistic (and probably unhealthy)

weight goal some day.

I would also use an example to help the person relate to my

situation. For example if the person grew up being told they were

stupid every day they would probably hate some one calling them

stupid later in life. So I would say how you feel when some one calls

you stupid is how I feel when you critique my eating habits.

I hope that helps some how. I think most people can completely relate

to your situation. I know my boyfriend can not relate to my specific

struggle with weight and food. But he does understand the feelings of

pain and shame I have experienced. And he respects that I need to go

through whatever process to heal myself. He also listens to me and

respects my wishes. Meaning I do not want the snide side comments.

But that has only been achieved through open and honest

communication.... In fact, at this point in my life, I prefer ZERO

comments about food. : )

Goodluck!

Kaylin

> >

> >

> > I was wondering in anyone knew of some infromative " guide " for

people

> > supporting an IE member.

> >

> > My husband means well and i've explained the IE mentality to him

but he

> > can't seem to find his place as a supporter- nor do i think he

buys

> > into it. I just started IE a few weeks ago and i am giving

myself

> > unconditional permission to eat whatever i want. When i grabbed

a 3rd

> > slice of a supper deep dish pizza the other week- he couldn't

hold it

> > in any longer and said something to the effect of hadn't i had

enough.

> > This resulted in an argument and now he feels he can't say

anything.

> >

> > Any advice?

> >

> > Thanks, Gerda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Gerda - The book " Making Peace with Food " by Kano has a chapter

entitled " For Sufferers' Loved Ones: Offering Support. " It includes

interactive, workbook-type pages assessing motivating, giving specific

recommendations in a simple do/don't format, and assessing present

behavior. I just received the book in the mail last week, and I think

it can be very helpful. I am thinking of sharing these support pages

with some of my " safe " friends, defined in the " Don't Diet, Live-It "

Workbook as people " who respect you and are good listeners. They do

not try to fix you...when you are done talking to a safe person, you

feel heard and cared about. "

I would encourage you to find " safe " people and friends in your life,

and to let them know what kind of support you need from them. If you

want, I can post more information from the support chapter of the first

book I mentioned, but I'd also suggest purchasing or borrowing the book

yourself. It seems like a great tool.

Good luck, Gerda. Your commitment is admirable!

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your replies- every single one helped. I

appreciate the support, Gerda

>

>

> I was wondering in anyone knew of some infromative " guide " for

people

> supporting an IE member.

>

> My husband means well and i've explained the IE mentality to him

but he

> can't seem to find his place as a supporter- nor do i think he buys

> into it. I just started IE a few weeks ago and i am giving myself

> unconditional permission to eat whatever i want. When i grabbed a

3rd

> slice of a supper deep dish pizza the other week- he couldn't hold

it

> in any longer and said something to the effect of hadn't i had

enough.

> This resulted in an argument and now he feels he can't say

anything.

>

> Any advice?

>

> Thanks, Gerda

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Well today I did really good with my eating and following my hunger cues, but tonight I didnt. It seems to get worse at night. I wasnt even that hungry for dinner but I still ate too much too fast. then I kept on eating afterwards and even got something at the store and ate it real fast in the car on the way home. Now I am disgusted with myself and the way I look. I dont have alot of time to read a lot of books though. I have read intuitive eating and I am starting to read it again. What are some things that I can do everyday that will help? I guess I need to journal instead of eat.

To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Monday, January 12, 2009 5:22:51 PMSubject: Re: Any literature for a supportive family member?

Thank you all for your replies- every single one helped. I appreciate the support, Gerda>> > I was wondering in anyone knew of some infromative "guide" for people > supporting an IE member. > > My husband means well and i've explained the IE mentality to him but he > can't seem to find his place as a supporter- nor do i think he buys > into it. I just started IE a few weeks ago and i am giving myself > unconditional permission to eat whatever i want. When i grabbed a 3rd > slice of a supper deep dish pizza the other week- he couldn't hold it > in any longer and said something to the effect of hadn't i had

enough. > This resulted in an argument and now he feels he can't say anything. > > Any advice?> > Thanks, Gerda>

[Guest guest]

If you go back to the home page for the group, you will see on the

left, in the menu, a folder called " files. " In that folder there are

various articles about diet mentality, IE, etc. Maybe if you could

print a couple of those out and have him read them, he'd understand.

Believe me, I've been there...

My mother set a wonderful example of how to yo-yo diet throughout her

entire life. She's 68 now, and still struggling. I'm still trying to

make peace with the fact that when I'm nervous and stressed, I eat.

I don't think a lot of men get this about women, and probably never

will. I know my dad didn't, and made comments like " haven't you had

enough " to us quite a bit. I know he meant " well " but you never

forget how that makes you feel. It sure doesn't motivate you to stop

eating, I can tell you that.

I really feel your pain, and I can tell you that comments like that

probably lead some people to become bulimic. I can see how you could

take that and run with it if you KWIM.

> >

> >

> > I was wondering in anyone knew of some infromative " guide " for

> people

> > supporting an IE member.

> >

> > My husband means well and i've explained the IE mentality to him

> but he

> > can't seem to find his place as a supporter- nor do i think he buys

> > into it. I just started IE a few weeks ago and i am giving myself

> > unconditional permission to eat whatever i want. When i grabbed a

> 3rd

> > slice of a supper deep dish pizza the other week- he couldn't hold

> it

> > in any longer and said something to the effect of hadn't i had

> enough.

> > This resulted in an argument and now he feels he can't say

> anything.

> >

> > Any advice?

> >

> > Thanks, Gerda

> >

>