Re: Another Sad Grandma

[Guest guest]

My problem is rather different to anyone else's expressed here and relative

to most, seems so trivial that I didn't know whether even to write about it -

but I do need help.

My daughter J (33) lives in Scotland with her husband and 2 children. We

have had a very troubled relationship and in the past she has threatened me

with all sorts of things including never seeing her or my grandchildren

again. The year before last, she was mad at me (again) and during a terribly

abusive tirade from her on the phone, she told me again that I'm a totally

useless Mother/Grandmother and a pathetic old cow. I have never been good

enough for her and even on good days, I feel slightly chastised after she has

finished speaking to me. Anyway, as said, this last argument was pretty bad,

and we didn't speak for a few months despite my efforts to remain in contact.

She was always " out " or " in the bath " when I called, even on Christmas Day.

After a while, things got going again and she decided she was coming to the St

ates for a holiday at Easter. I was hoping it would be a 'healing time' and

I welcomed her with open arms. Everything was provided and theme parks were

booked. However, most of the time she was very abusive to her husband and

children, lay around drinking or was hung over, was lazy, rude and completely

uninterested in anything other than what she wanted to do. So we spent our

vacation at theme parks or at home. It broke my heart to see the way she

treated the children, and again when they play-acted being their parents by

screaming into each other's faces and throwing money at each other. During

the play, my daughter was helpless with laughter.

She showed no respect for our home. In fact she seems terribly jealous that

we even have a home! Her daughter's silver nail polish was left on our

leather furniture, the cupboards and so on, chocolate handprints on the TV

screen and carpets, just a mess everywhere you looked. (She has this lack

of respect for certain others too at times. For instance when her daughter

L, who is the loveliest little girl, wiped her hands on J's friend's new

suede coat, she said that her friend acted very coldly towards L and that her

friend did not appear to recognize what an honor and a privilege it is to be

loved by L. This is somewhat startling logic, if indeed it can be called

logic. Surely one can love a child AND value their own possessions?)

There was so much entitlement when J was here too. She'd say things like,

" We're all going to the beach tomorrow " , not " Would you like to come? " or

" What do you feel like doing? " What we wanted to do was never considered.

They didn't hire a car while they were here so it was taken for granted that

if she decided she wanted to go somewhere, we would automatically be their

transport. As it happened, the beach trip wasn't a problem because she was

too hung over to go anywhere so she drank beer in the sun while I played with

the kids and did her family washing. There were no thankyous, no offer to

help. Instead, one morning, she offered the breakfast I had cooked for her

to " anyone else " since she " prefers her food hot " , this after taking 20

minutes to fix her hair in the bathroom. On the day they left, she said,

" You might want to clean our bathroom. It's filthy. " It was.

I just got off the phone with her. The conversation was the usual series of

shockwaves. After she informed me that she was the leader of a gang in

school and that she was busted several times for stealing alcohol from

people's homes and drinking at school, (all news to me), she somewhat

casually announced that she'll let me know sometime in February if she and

her family are coming here again in October. Once again, no asking, no

discussion, just assuming it's OK to let us know when she'll be dropping in

for a few weeks. My husband has 10 days annual leave and to be quite frank,

with this type of attitude, we don't want to spend it with her. We thought

about telling her that my husband has no leave (how I hate this type of game)

but she would only say it wouldn't matter to her anyway. My husband T is a

quiet man who has never had children. He avoids conflict and really doesn't

get why J distresses me so much. J's own father died when she was 4 and her

brother 1. I raised the children alone and only met T when J was 17. She

walked out of the house without a word when she was 18 and completely

disappeared for a year. She never called, not even once in all that time.

My heart was broken and, at the time, I thought beyond repair. J and T

barely know each other despite the fact T and I have been together for 17

years.

My son is to be married next year so we will fly to UK and see J and her

family then. To be honest, this is soon enough. Of course there's a

terrible price in all this, - we don't get to see our beloved grandchildren -

but we are able to have very close relationships by phone, letters, photos, e

mails and recording books for them so we can read them goodnight stories

without being there. With the impending wedding, this is no time to start a

family rift (that is - upset J even in the slightest way. ANYTHING is big

enough for her to descend into atrocious behavior and start threatening

again. If it weren't for my grandchildren, I don't think I'd contact her

again if that's what it took to stop her manipulative and abusive behavior.)

I love and miss my grandchildren very, very much and she knows this. She

says they feel the same way about us and I believe her. However, since she

uses this as a way to get her own demands met all the time, I'm getting very

tired of listening to the same tune.

Does anyone have any idea how we can address this problem? How can I make J

respect the fact that we'd like to be considered when it comes to vacations

spent in our home? T and I would like to spend time traveling together and

we want to stop her expectation that she'll be spending his every vacation

with us. She has 6 weeks vacation a year and as she says, coming here at

least breaks up the school holidays for her. See, that didn't exactly sound

like, coming here is such a pleasure because we miss you and love spending

time together, did it, ha ha!!

Sorry this is long and like I said, very trivial compared to a lot of the

problems the parents on this site have to contend with. I didn't know where

else to turn to ask for help whilst still being understood.

Thank you

.