Fighting FOG: from SWOEW

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From the SWOE workbook, see www.bpdcentral.com

Action Step 35:

Techniques to Combat FOG

Violinists do not wake up one day and decide to play a concerto with the New

York Philharmonic. For every minute you see in performance, they may have

practiced for six months. Some smokers quit several times before they quit

for good. Even if you've tried to combat emotional blackmail before and been

less than successful, you can still do it once you've learned and practiced

the techniques.

In the following exercise, you can practice combating emotional blackmail.

Like many other life changes, it's a skill that requires inner motivation, a

commitment to change, practice, and follow-through.

Inner Motivation: Calculate the costs of giving in to emotional blackmail.

Check off those costs that are appropriate to your situation.

Feelings of anger, irritation, being used, being trapped, stressed, burned

out, manipulated, confused, resentful, hurt, frustrated, overwhelmed,

unlovable, discouraged.

Loss of self-respect, control, integrity; loss of time for yourself, of

time you had planned for yourself or others; loss of pleasure in the

relationship; loss of possibilities to be a good role model for others.

Other problems: feeling forced to agree when you disagree; being thought

of as a " softy " ; feeling discouraged when you try to stand up for yourself;

being more concerned about what others think of you than what you think of

yourself; avoiding places where you might run into the blackmailer; and not

feeling in charge of your own life. Worst of all (at least in an adult

relationship you've chosen) is that you are not happy with a situation you

agreed to of your own accord.

Commitment to Change: Make a " commitment to change " certificate in your

notebook. Write out a contract with yourself, spelling out your personal

limits. What do you want to do? Under what conditions are you willing to

accommodate others? How often? Will you expect anything in return? You must

make the benefits tangible so it feels like you are gaining something:

reclaiming your integrity. Don't worry if you're not perfect. No one

is-especially people learning a new skill.

Practice: If you have a hard time saying " no " to anyone, start with declining

simple requests you don't want to do for people who do not have BPD. Just

like our violinist did not start with the New York Philharmonic, don't start

with the BP in your life. Look for other opportunities when less is at stake

and the people making the request do not have a personality disorder. Take an

assertiveness class. Learn to walk before you learn to run.

Forward (1997) recommends that you do not defend or explain your decision to

the blackmailer. This may seem like a bold step-you may think, " At least I

offer him an explanation. " But most of the time you actually don't. Now, if

you and your partner agreed to have children and you changed your mind, the

situation would be different. But if you try to explain every decision you

make and feel the need to justify and explain it, you may be talking apples

while your BP is talking oranges. The point is you want to change your way of

life while someone else is seeing a particular request in isolation. Excuses

only give the BP ammunition.

Let's say that the BP assumes you will be there to pick her up after

outpatient surgery. A very understandable request. But let's say that she

rarely asks or understands that you have to take off work or otherwise

rearrange your schedule and you feel taken for granted. The more you try to

explain, the more the BP will push your " obligation " and " guilt " buttons. If

you simply but firmly say, " It's just not going to work out for me this

time, " instead of " I have to work, " you don't give her anything to work with,

such as, " What's more important, me or your job? "

Follow-through: Repeat the following phrases as often as necessary and do not

fall into the trap of explaining your decision. Some people only listen to

explanations to find a flaw in reasoning so that they can back you into a

corner. Think of a small child asking, " Why can't I eat all my Halloween

candy now? " a dozen times while you tick off twelve reasons.

á I'm sorry, I won't be able to.

á I'm sorry that makes you upset.

á I just can't do that.

á I understand you feel that way, but I'm going to have to say no.

á That's your choice. This is mine.

á I understand I've done that before, but this time I can't.

á Let's talk about this when you're less upset.

á You may have a point, but I can't do it this time.

á I understand you feel that way. I hope you find another solution.

á I see you're disappointed. I hope you find another answer to your problem.

á Threatening me isn't going to work. I've made my decision and I'm asking

you to respect that.

á Come up with your own phrase to use as a response to emotional blackmail

Randi Kreger

RandiBPD@...