Visit to rheumy. Joy.

[Guest guest]

OK, went to see the Rheumy. He has access to refer me to a Lignocaine/

Lidocaine infusion programme for the FM.

He doesn't really like me, and in the past has come out and said he

doesn't believe that I am in the pain I am in. He today suggested

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, seems to me to believe still that the

pain is in my head. I challenged him to " tell me one thing, show me one

place in my life where this illness is giving me any benefit what so

ever and I will believe you that it's in my head.. " and he couldn't. I

love my job, have a happy home, do crafts and art as a hobby... Then he

decided to skip the CBT idea and actually exam me. Why can't they

believe you! I had 18 out of 18 tender points; couldn't tolerate any

touch on my back or hands, struggled to dress after the exam- the 75

foot walk from the front door to the waiting room left me breathless and

in tears. How bad do you have to be before they say " You know what, you

are in pain, aren't you! " For crying out loud! He said " it is gets that

bad, call an ambulance and go to Casualty. " How much would that do? Sit

there and wait for hours- they know there is nothing wrong with me that

is going to do anything to me but hurt- they aren't going to medicate or

treat me in any way. He said he would refer me to the pain clinic and to

the doc who does the lignocaine, and I could see him in 4 months. 4

months! No help for 4 months!!! Oh God, how I am I gonna make it that

long feeling like this???

I tried to explain that I am going back to work in January, and that I

desperately need it to work out or I will pretty much be unemployable-

jobs like mine are tough to get and uncommon; they pay well and are good

career builders, so many people want them. If I lose my job, I am

doomed, financially and emotionally- the only jobs available will be

ones that are too physical for me to get. I would need to leave my

profession, which is the only thing I ever wanted to be.

Some days the only thing that keeps me alive is that I promised my

husband that I would never leave him. I just feel like it would feel so

good to just sleep... sleep... sleep.... go to a quiet place that I

never have to return from and never have to wake up to pain, stiffness,

not being me anymore, but it only lasts a minute. It's not like I am

really suicidal because I don't want to die, but would love to escape my

body somehow. I just don't know how.

Anyway, he said that he will tell the pain docs and the other one it is

urgent, but he has no idea how long the wait will be to see them; he had

no other ideas or suggestions except to increase the gabapentin to 600mg

three times a day from 300mg three times a day.

Then as I was leaving he said " Have a nice Christmas " . They do have such

a sense of humour.

Bethann