New to the Group

[Guest guest]

My name is Amy and I have a daughter - Sam - age 17, who has

BPD. I am soooooo tired. The story of my life with her is

exhausting to say the least and I finally had to give her a choice -

either work or go to school. She dropped out last year,

promising to get a job but instead started using drugs and

staying up all night and sleeping all day. I've had it and told her

she had to do treatment before she could live with me again.

She is now temporarily staying with my ex-husband but calls

everyday - sometimes several times. She hates me but loves

me. I feel like I am going to lose my own sanity trying to

understand. I question all my own feelings and thoughts and

feel like I don't know anymore whats " normal teenage BS " and

whats BP.

Any encouraging words and thoughts will be appreciated.

Amy

Minneapolis, MN

[Guest guest]

Amy:

> My name is Amy and I have a daughter - Sam - age 17, who has

> BPD. I am soooooo tired.

Welcome to the group. There are many VERY supportive and experienced

people on the group. It will surprise you how helpful and caring the

responses are. I am also sorry you have to be here (as I am for all of us).

The number one piece of advice all will give is be sure to get therapy for

YOURSELF. Be sure the therapist is extremely knowledgeable about BPD

and works with BPD's. You have been beat down for many years and it is

important to get a good perspective on the only person you can change

(yourself). It is too late for your daughter. She has to make the decisions

herself.

It sounds like you have set some boundaries. That is great. Take some

time and read back in the archives. There are a lot of exceptional replies to

nearly identical problems all around.

(my SO) was at the exact spot you are at now when her daughter

(now 25) was 17. She could no longer deal with C. She was tired too. She

gave nearly the identical ultimatum (and booted her to a co-workers/friend).

Fortunately C figured out she needed high school. But that is about where

the good behavior stops. C has used for verbal abuse nearly all her

life. It has taken a great deal of therapy to get her perspective in life back.

Setting clear boundaries that are NEVER allowed to cross without well

communicated consequences is very important. BPD's may not be able to

comply but it is the most important thing in their lives to learn. There is

faulty brain wiring in the connection between behavior and consequences

(IMO). They just don't get it right.

From what I know now and it was me making the decision for my BPD child

of 17, I would only allow him/her in the house unless:

1. Meaningfully going to DBT therapy

2. Going to school (part time) AND working (part time).

3. No abuse to anyone in the house *especially* the primary care givers (I

have this thing about not biting the hands that feed you!).

4. Contributor to the household like other members.

posts separately and hopefully she will have some time to give you

some insight of hers (work has been crazy for her lately). Last May she

made the big break with C. C was living here and going to school (college).

It got so bad that , like many in the group, have asked their adult

children to leave. has also severed all ties with C, until two events

occur. One is that C be working at her own psychological well-being. That

means actually working and not conning and going to the therapist to just

comply. There must be real effort on C's part. The second condition is she

can return to 's life when feels safe she will no longer be

abused by her (which could be a while).

Many have had to make the same requirements. You must above all

protect yourself and any other family members (especially other children).

Post often it REALLY helps.

Leon Milberg leon@...

[Guest guest]

This is my second post to this list. No one responded to my first one.

I have been reading the posts and my daughter behavior is

identical..... from my reading I believe that she has APD not

BPD.... she has the characteristics of sociopathy.

Your post reminds me of the time that she was about 14-15.

I picked her up from work....she was late and after she got into

the car I told her I had to go pick up her brother at Church on

the way home... she insisted I take her home first...and I told

her if I do then I will be very late picking him up...and turned

the car in the direction toward the church.

Well, she ended up having a hissy fit in the back sit...kicking

the sit and throwing things at me. Which was her usually

behavior in the car....if I didn't do what she wanted. Usually

she would start throwing things out the window...but I had

locked up my purse in the trunk. I didn't expect what she

was going to do next.... She jumped into the front seat and

grabbed the keys out of the ignition and opened the door

and jumped out after the car came to a stop. I was left

on a dark road that was a main highway...with no lights...

and no keys...and cars going speeds of 60-75 miles per hr.

I thought I was going to die...

Well, soon a cop came by and I tried to tell him what happen.

He wasn't listening to me...demanding me to move my car.

I told him I couldn't do it. He threatened to arrest me.... and

demanded to see my lic. I told him it was in the trunk and

I didn't have the keys that my daughter ran off with them.

And to please go after her.... he just kept yelling at me. I tried

to remain calm...and talk slowly but he wasn't listening....

Another police Lt. came over and I again explained slowly and

clearly what had happened. He heard me and order the other

policeman to go get my daughter. But only after I told him that

was the ONLY set of keys I had...she had already stolen my other

three sets.

Well, they did get her and gave me back my keys....well she got

what she wanted she was immediately taken home by the cops.

I was able to go to pickup my son but of course I was late by now.

That was the last time that I would drive her in the car ever

again. I use to have fights with my dh because I wouldn't pick

her up....but that was the consequence of her actions. Even so

he would leave work (even getting himself into trouble there) and

go pick her up. Of course, making me the bad guy and telling them

I refused to pick her up. Leaving out the fact that she was a violent

and dangerous person. I was the one that was marked as crazy

not my daughter...but me. I was the one that my dh said needed

medication not my daughter who was clearly involved in drugs

and he would do nothing about it. One time he witnessed her kicking

me in the stomach...I turned and looked at him and said...she just

kicked me...his response was... " No, you walked into her foot. "

He lived in denial and handled his stress by drinking. He still

makes excuses for her today.

Jill

Lorraine, I also have an 18 year old daughter. I've been reading the

posts on this group for about a year and the stories are so similar.

It is very helpful to discover others who are going through the same

things with their child (young or old). Also, people who have not

been through this have no idea what it's like. My friends have

always been supportive, but they cannot imagine the chaos in our

house. They make suggestions and try to be helpful, but usually they

are thinking about a rational person, and a person who suffers from

borderline personality disorder can be extremely irrational. I'm glad

you joined. It sounds like you are doing the right things- going to

a mental health support group, educating yourself, etc. It also

helps if you have your own therapist. Especially if you find one who

understands the disorder, understands how it affects family members,

and is able to listen and support you. I am still hopeful that my

daughter will accept that she needs help, and that she will get the

help she needs. I know that what she is going through is torturous

for her, and she did not choose to be this way. Who would want to be

tormented by this disorder? It is very difficult for them to seek

help on their own and this is what they have to do. I do not engage

when she is raging, although this has lessened quite a bit. I

remember very well riding in the car with her screaming at me and

being afraid we would not make it home alive. Also, when she was out

of control, irrational at home it was very frightening. I want her

to stay alive. She has so much going for her and yet she cannot see

herself as a worthwhile person. It is very sad for everyone

involved.

Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs-owner . " Stop

Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

(). For the table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

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