Guest guest Posted January 25, 2004 Report Share Posted January 25, 2004 Hi Amy, Yep.. There are many of us out here who really feel what you are going through and know how painfully difficult it is to let go. You watch your child and all of their self destructive behaviors and turn yourself inside out trying to help them. In the end, you cannot make them help themselves. They either get to a place where they truly want help and want to try to change their lives or they don't. You can't fix things for them, no matter how hard you try. And in the end, you will only lose yourself while they continue to blame you for their problems. Letting go is a process. It is best done with therapy for yourself and people who can support you in the decisions you have to make. Just remember. letting him face the consequences of his actions is the most loving thing you can do for your son. I am in the process of doing this for my 25 y.o. daughter. She and I have now not spoken since last May 1st when I made her move out of our home. When I was finally ready to make her leave I outlined the steps I was taking on this listserv. If you go into the archives you can find my step-by-step plan that you may find helpful. FYI - assuming you are in the US, your son may qualify for social security benefits as being disabled. It is a rough road. lots of forms, filing, mental health evaluations and appeals (they will almost always deny the claim at least the first time so you have to keep appealing it). but the upshot is that IF he can qualify, you will have the peace of mind that he has a steady income. It might make it easier to let go. :-) There are many of us on this list who care and who will be your cheerleaders to help you get through this. Keep writing and take heart! i need help badly I don't even know where to start - this nightmare has been going on so long. My son is 21, but more like 15. He has been ill for five years with a variety of different diagnoses including binge eating, depression, BPD, ADD etc. He has been unable to hold a job and also unable to finish a semeseter of school. He uses sugar to self medicate and then hates himself for it. He is also on adderall and zoloft. I went through a divorce from his step dad and couldn't stand living with him any more so i gave him some money from my mom's nursing home account out of desperation and got him an apartment. He barely functions there and has no one in his life at all, but i kee[p getting sucked in on trying ot save him. I know i am enabling, but it is so painful and I am strugglinto change. He refuses most help and will not go to a treatment center at all. He really seems out of touch a lot of the time and will sleep for 3 days at a time. The self destructive binging is so hard to see. Where I need the help most is knowing that there are other people who struggle with an isolated or ill child and have been able to let go some. I always think I can make the difference and I never do, but change is so hard. I am totally alone - no other parents for him, no help at all and sometimes I can't take it any more. I try and detach and then I get sucked in by his anger or his helplessness. Please respond. Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs-owner . " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com _____ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 Thanks for writing back and for having such tremendous support for where I am. The hardest part for me and it is all so so hard is that my son is so isolated that I am the only one in his life.. Sometimes it is just easier to rescue thatn to deal with the anger and blame and I have been at fault for that. HE gets a lot of physical symptoms and begs for me to come over and I usually have gone running, but i know that all of this is killing me. He is os childish even though he is 21. For example, I just talked to him nad he was upset becasue he fell asleep for 24 hours and was crying about feeling cold and not feeling well. I said something to him that he didn't like and he hung up on me. I used to keep calling back, but i am not going to. Knowing how alone he is just makes this harder, but i am too tired to keep giving as if i am a bottomless pit. AS far as disability. I am in the process of the application and I know it has to be done. He doesn't copperate with it sop a friend told me that if you go there and say that your child is too depressed and doesn't go out of the house - which is just about true in my case, they let you do the applying. HE can't seem to accept that he needs it. Does your daughter have a lot of people in her life? - In WTOParentsOfBPs , " Landau " <soozau@n...> wrote: > Hi Amy, > > Yep.. There are many of us out here who really feel what you are going > through and know how painfully difficult it is to let go. You watch your > child and all of their self destructive behaviors and turn yourself inside > out trying to help them. In the end, you cannot make them help themselves. > They either get to a place where they truly want help and want to try to > change their lives or they don't. You can't fix things for them, no matter > how hard you try. And in the end, you will only lose yourself while they > continue to blame you for their problems. > > > > Letting go is a process. It is best done with therapy for yourself and > people who can support you in the decisions you have to make. Just > remember. letting him face the consequences of his actions is the most > loving thing you can do for your son. I am in the process of doing this for > my 25 y.o. daughter. She and I have now not spoken since last May 1st when > I made her move out of our home. When I was finally ready to make her leave > I outlined the steps I was taking on this listserv. If you go into the > archives you can find my step-by-step plan that you may find helpful. > > > > FYI - assuming you are in the US, your son may qualify for social security > benefits as being disabled. It is a rough road. lots of forms, filing, > mental health evaluations and appeals (they will almost always deny the > claim at least the first time so you have to keep appealing it). but the > upshot is that IF he can qualify, you will have the peace of mind that he > has a steady income. It might make it easier to let go. :-) > > > > There are many of us on this list who care and who will be your cheerleaders > to help you get through this. Keep writing and take heart! > > > > > > > > i need help badly > > > > I don't even know where to start - this nightmare has been going on > so long. My son is 21, but more like 15. He has been ill for five > years with a variety of different diagnoses including binge eating, > depression, BPD, ADD etc. He has been unable to hold a job and also > unable to finish a semeseter of school. He uses sugar to self > medicate and then hates himself for it. He is also on adderall and > zoloft. > > I went through a divorce from his step dad and couldn't stand living > with him any more so i gave him some money from my mom's nursing > home account out of desperation and got him an apartment. He barely > functions there and has no one in his life at all, but i kee[p > getting sucked in on trying ot save him. I know i am enabling, but > it is so painful and I am strugglinto change. He refuses most help > and will not go to a treatment center at all. He really seems out > of touch a lot of the time and will sleep for 3 days at a time. The > self destructive binging is so hard to see. > > Where I need the help most is knowing that there are other people > who struggle with an isolated or ill child and have been able to let > go some. I always think I can make the difference and I never do, > but change is so hard. I am totally alone - no other parents for > him, no help at all and sometimes I can't take it any more. I try > and detach and then I get sucked in by his anger or his helplessness. > > Please respond. > > > > > Send questions & concerns to WTOParentsOfBPs- owner " Stop > Walking on Eggshells, " a primer for non-BPs can be ordered via > 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of contents, see > http://www.BPDCentral.com > > > > _____ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 Is your son in any type of therapy? You also need to be seeing someone. Get yourself some help. Also, get the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook, same name. You need to read this book. I too, have a daughter, now 17. Been on this roller coaster ride now for over 3 yrs. She's a minor yet, so getting her to leave yet is out of the question, but seems we have the same scenerio going on here. I've learned what she does with manipulating me and those around her, but mostly me being her mom. I too went thru a terrible divorce with her father, and a lot of her problems stem from the disfunction in our household, among other issues. She was diag. w/BPD, started with depression, then led to an eating disorder. She smokes weed once in a while, but is working hard to stop, she also is taking zoloft, so she knows she cant smoke while taking this drug. Same here with school and jobs. And terrible with relationships. Cant seem to grasp any of it. She's gotten better in the past year, but still has a long way to go. I sit back and think of how I was at her age. Doing great in school, working since I was 15, and not really concentrating on any serious relationships. What a difference in the maturity levels. She too, is 17, and at time seems 12. It took a long time for me to learn how to let go. Setting many boundaries and not letting her often " sweet " character manipulate me. I was never one for tough discipline, being raised by Attila the Hun herself. My mother, I now am convinced, is bipolar. She is the Drama Queen of drama queens, Ms. Jekyll/Hyde. I am the eldest of 7, and we all called her " The Warden " . Seemed like a joke at the time. Took me 40 years to realize what I was living with. Anyway, with my daughter, I too was put on guilt trips, feeling like I always had to " save " her. Mostly from herself. I've learned that she has to face the consequences of her actions, and once she realized I wouldnt come running to her defense, or help her out, and learned to say NO more often than not, that she stops her behaviour. I've taken a lot of things away from her when she doesnt do what she is supposed to, like go to school and work. She's lost computer privy, her phone, going out. Made her father take her cell phone away. Seems it all worked and she's coming around. But she still is having trouble in job area. Can't seem to keep one for more than 3 mos. at a time. You can do this. Do you have a local support group or a church? Search on the net for groups in your area, and keep posting and reading here. Also, there must be some local resources for you, in your town or county. The state has programs available also. I know running in to brick walls seemed the only way for me. Every time we had an incident here, it was the same thing. Get her to the ER for cutting, sit around for 24 hrs. waiting for Crisis intervention, find her some where to be placed only to have her home again in 6 days. She's been to every facility so far in this state, and she knows there's no where else she can go to as far as long term, so the cutting stopped. It's amazing, the boundaries they see, then how their behaviour changes. Boundaries are very important. Once your son sees where you draw the line, then he'll stop pushing your buttons. It's hard, I know, seems like you are abandoning his needs, but you are not. You've got to do this, at least for your own health. You cannot " fix " your son. He's an adult so at least you wont be held responsible for his actions. You've done what you can, setting him up. He's got to do the rest. You've got to let go, get yourself some therapy, someone to talk to. He should also be in therapy. Set the ground rules for him. Tell him he must commit to therapy, holding a job, before you will come running to his aid the next time he needs you. It's difficult, but you can do it. Keep posting and good luck. Debbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 There is a great book out on boundries by cloud / townsend.. excellent book and also has a workbook.. Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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