Re: [Debbie S

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie S,

I was just reading what you wrote. I just went to a NAMI meeting the other

night, my first. I thought it was great and very informative. I too have a " K "

, and if you recall I said earlier this week she is 29, a single mom with two

children. I am totally disgusted. She was diag. a year or two ago with BP up

North, so she tells me. However, now she denies she ever said that. I have

been on the Non BP christian posts the past 4 months and have pretty much poured

my heart out there. So for some reason it is hard for me to tell my story

again, maybe it reminds me of the pain. Anyway, I have learned a lot from my

fellow non BP's and the moderator. Since the diagnosis her bizarre behavior all

these years finally makes sense.

I never even heard of this before. I came to this site out of curiosity or maybe

I was

yearning to here how other parents felt. I'm learning too it is all about

boundaries for me.

It kind of seems like it is so final.

My daughter also had been rescued by my ex, as well as her g'ma for many years.

Coming to this site and reading the painful stories has brought back old wounds,

but it is nice to hear you can all talk about it.

Katy

Re: dayghter heading for danger

Debbie, the most valueable piece of information I have ever received

was at the numerous NAMI support group meetings I've attended. I

won't go into all the details of our harrowing story but suffice it

to say I have a 19 yo daughter that has for many years run us thru

the gaumut on all aspects of non-compliance w/her mental illness and

treatment regiments rx'd thereof. I was counseled at NAMI meetings,

as well as in therapy that my function is ..... to decide where my

boundaries are. That can be anything from allowing K's life and the

hell that it is to run rough-shod all over me and our family and be

there to constantly pick of the pieces and make it better for her if

that's the boundary that I choose as right for me. Or .... it can be

all the way to severing ties w/her - in her refusal to do anything to

help herself and then back up and allow her to suffer the

consequences of her actions (or inaction as the case may be).

Setting those boundaries can be anywhere in between those two

extremes. As explained above it's a whole lot tougher emotionally

than it appears, a whole lot!!!!

I've removed our daughter from living w/us (actually at age 17 1/2).

She has, since that time been through 7 living arrangements, 5 of

which are group home settings that she has been invited to leave

because of her refusal to *get w/the program*. I've tried all

throughout the past year and half or so to remain very involved and

that was a monumental disaster as she continued to do just as she

pleased w/out regard for consequences and I was left holding the bag

to find yet another group home setting for her. I tried distancing

myself and mainly just staying in contact w/her on perhaps what one

would deem a superficial level and that too was a disaster. Just

hearing of the harrowing details of her life (forgot to mention she

also had a small stint of living in the streets prostituting and

using drugs).....hearing it all just in talking w/her ...

superficially .... left me devastated on a regular basis.

I have now severed ties w/her and asked her not to call me any

longer. Unfortunately some other family members have stepped right

into the gap that was left in my absence. She is now being *coddled*

if you will be her g'ma and my dh (K's bio dad).

IMO the only thing that works w/BPD's is firm boundaries and limits

and their having to suffer those consequences of their actions. It

seems to me the ONLY way they learn. Some have gotten some really

good results w/something known as DBT therapy, but that is prefaced

w/the assumption the individual is willing to work and work hard at

their issues. Something K has never shown a propensity for.

So, all of the above just to try and say to you I guess it comes down

to you deciding where your boundaries are w/regard to your daughter.

She is an adult and thus can (supposedly) make her own decisions. As

the NAMI facilitator once said to me ..... " you must make your own

decisions for what is right in your life w/regard to your involvement

in K's life - and know that if you continue to pick of the pieces you

will ALWAYS be picking up the pieces .... she will have no reason to

learn not to create a shattered existance for herself - because

someone will be there to fix it " . That wasn't something I was

prepared to do. I firmly believe that my daughter CAN live a more

stable life - she must find the way to do it - not me.

I wish you luck.

Debbie S

> Hello, my name is Debbie and I have a daugtrer that is 20 who moved

> home about 2 months ago.She has been diagnoised for 2 years with

> Bipolar 2 ,Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Tramatic Stress

> Syndrome and ADHD. I really need some advice here.Before her

> diagnosis she met a guy on the internet that lived in Toronto,

> Canada. we didn't really like the idea but agreed to allow him to

> come to the states to meet him but insisted that he stay in a

hotel.

> well my daughter would not go along with that so then she made up

> her mind to fly to canada with him paying the plane fare. This guy

> was very disrespectful to both my husband and I. Fearing for our

> daughters safety we hired a private investigator to check him out.

> He checked out ok but when my daughter got there and they spent a

> week together then they decided that she would move there. Well

> first off they had a problem getting her across the border.He

called

> and asked us to lie to immigrations and tell them she was returning

> home in 2 weeks. We refuse to lie so he called his parents that

also

> refused. Not long after my daughter got to canada things started to

> change. HE lived in an apartment bld that you had to have a key to

> enter the building if you went out. Then there was a 2nd key to the

> apt. He never gave her a key.Her only outlet was the internet. Well

> then he took the internet power cord to work with him so she

> couldn't get on there. He messaged me and told me that they were

> gonna get married and we would never see our grandkids. The real

> kicker came when he rented her an apt in niagra falls ,ny because

> she couldn't work in canada. Well this is a woman that has never

> spent the night alone in her life. She had no transportation so she

> was still gonna be stuck. He got her a job in walmart working from

> 10 pm to 6 am and told her that she would need to ride the bus back

> and forth.The apt was in a bad neighborhood. She had no bed,

nothing

> for an apt setup. Fortunately we were able to convince her that

> this was indeed a bad relationship. She was scared to leave so we

> got the Private investigators to arrange for her get away. Her

> coming home was stipulated that she had to end the relationship

with

> him, and go to therapy and get some help. All was agreed upon. Well

> then she met a group of ppl from work and decided that she was

> bisexual. Just before she moved in with this girl she met this guy

> named brad. Well in stead she moved in with brad and said she was

> madly in love. This was a good guy and he was good to her and good

> for her. The relationship lasted 8 months and he got to the point

he

> couldn't handle the constant mood swings and anger . Well now she

> tells me that she had begun communication with steven again and is

> still in love with him. This communication apparently was taking

> place while brad was at work. (the canadian) is now in

> tennessee about 2 hours from here.He is working for walmart

learning

> the ropes for a superstore. She expects us to just forgive the past

> and welcome this guy with open arms. This is the first person that

I

> have ever met that I felt like couldn't do that with.My husband

> doesn't know yet he is going to go BALLISTIC!!!!!!!!!!!Please give

> me some sound advice. I am torn between telling her that she is

free

> to date whoever but he is not welcomed at this house, and telling

> her ok I will meet him. Please respond as soon as possible. Thanks

> Debbie

> Daughter 22 bipolar2, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, PTSD

> Meds Topomax 400 mg 2x daily.

[Guest guest]

It does seem, from the various boards I belong to, that there is a

happier existence for some that struggle w/their loved ones BPD.

Some have learned that all important *distance* emotionally and

figuratively and while they remain saddened by circumstances - it

doesn't so occupy their daily living. That's just where I'm trying

to get to. I want to re-establish communication w/my daughter at

some point. But, I'm not ready right now - even the counselor agrees

with me. I'm too angry w/her. I have nothing productive to bring to

our relationship right now and so all my emotions would bleed over

into any setting w/the two of us and it wouldn't be helpful to either

of us.

But, there is hope. I can see it in some who post on these boards.

They too still live w/the sadness of it all but not to the degree

that it permeates their very existence.

Debbie S

> > Hello, my name is Debbie and I have a daugtrer that is 20 who

moved

> > home about 2 months ago.She has been diagnoised for 2 years with

> > Bipolar 2 ,Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Tramatic

Stress

> > Syndrome and ADHD. I really need some advice here.Before her

> > diagnosis she met a guy on the internet that lived in Toronto,

> > Canada. we didn't really like the idea but agreed to allow him

to

> > come to the states to meet him but insisted that he stay in a

> hotel.

> > well my daughter would not go along with that so then she made

up

> > her mind to fly to canada with him paying the plane fare. This

guy

> > was very disrespectful to both my husband and I. Fearing for our

> > daughters safety we hired a private investigator to check him

out.

> > He checked out ok but when my daughter got there and they spent

a

> > week together then they decided that she would move there. Well

> > first off they had a problem getting her across the border.He

> called

> > and asked us to lie to immigrations and tell them she was

returning

> > home in 2 weeks. We refuse to lie so he called his parents that

> also

> > refused. Not long after my daughter got to canada things started

to

> > change. HE lived in an apartment bld that you had to have a key

to

> > enter the building if you went out. Then there was a 2nd key to

the

> > apt. He never gave her a key.Her only outlet was the internet.

Well

> > then he took the internet power cord to work with him so she

> > couldn't get on there. He messaged me and told me that they

were

> > gonna get married and we would never see our grandkids. The real

> > kicker came when he rented her an apt in niagra falls ,ny

because

> > she couldn't work in canada. Well this is a woman that has never

> > spent the night alone in her life. She had no transportation so

she

> > was still gonna be stuck. He got her a job in walmart working

from

> > 10 pm to 6 am and told her that she would need to ride the bus

back

> > and forth.The apt was in a bad neighborhood. She had no bed,

> nothing

> > for an apt setup. Fortunately we were able to convince her that

> > this was indeed a bad relationship. She was scared to leave so

we

> > got the Private investigators to arrange for her get away. Her

> > coming home was stipulated that she had to end the relationship

> with

> > him, and go to therapy and get some help. All was agreed upon.

Well

> > then she met a group of ppl from work and decided that she was

> > bisexual. Just before she moved in with this girl she met this

guy

> > named brad. Well in stead she moved in with brad and said she

was

> > madly in love. This was a good guy and he was good to her and

good

> > for her. The relationship lasted 8 months and he got to the

point

> he

> > couldn't handle the constant mood swings and anger . Well now

she

> > tells me that she had begun communication with steven again and

is

> > still in love with him. This communication apparently was taking

> > place while brad was at work. (the canadian) is now in

> > tennessee about 2 hours from here.He is working for walmart

> learning

> > the ropes for a superstore. She expects us to just forgive the

past

> > and welcome this guy with open arms. This is the first person

that

> I

> > have ever met that I felt like couldn't do that with.My husband

> > doesn't know yet he is going to go BALLISTIC!!!!!!!!!!!Please

give

> > me some sound advice. I am torn between telling her that she is

> free

> > to date whoever but he is not welcomed at this house, and

telling

> > her ok I will meet him. Please respond as soon as possible.

Thanks

> > Debbie

> > Daughter 22 bipolar2, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD,

PTSD

> > Meds Topomax 400 mg 2x daily.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> It does seem, from the various boards I belong to, that there is a

> happier existence for some that struggle w/their loved ones BPD.

> Some have learned that all important *distance* emotionally and

> figuratively and while they remain saddened by circumstances - it

> doesn't so occupy their daily living. That's just where I'm trying

> to get to. I want to re-establish communication w/my daughter at

> some point. But, I'm not ready right now - even the counselor agrees

> with me. I'm too angry w/her. I have nothing productive to bring to

> our relationship right now and so all my emotions would bleed over

> into any setting w/the two of us and it wouldn't be helpful to either

> of us.

>

> But, there is hope. I can see it in some who post on these boards.

> They too still live w/the sadness of it all but not to the degree

> that it permeates their very existence.

>

> Debbie S

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>>> > > Hello, my name is Debbie and I have a daugtrer that is 20 who

> moved

>>> > > home about 2 months ago.She has been diagnoised for 2 years with

>>> > > Bipolar 2 ,Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Tramatic

> Stress

>>> > > Syndrome and ADHD. I really need some advice here.Before her

>>> > > diagnosis she met a guy on the internet that lived in Toronto,

>>> > > Canada. we didn't really like the idea but agreed to allow him

> to

>>> > > come to the states to meet him but insisted that he stay in a

>> > hotel.

>>> > > well my daughter would not go along with that so then she made

> up

>>> > > her mind to fly to canada with him paying the plane fare. This

> guy

>>> > > was very disrespectful to both my husband and I. Fearing for our

>>> > > daughters safety we hired a private investigator to check him

> out.

>>> > > He checked out ok but when my daughter got there and they spent

> a

>>> > > week together then they decided that she would move there. Well

>>> > > first off they had a problem getting her across the border.He

>> > called

>>> > > and asked us to lie to immigrations and tell them she was

> returning

>>> > > home in 2 weeks. We refuse to lie so he called his parents that

>> > also

>>> > > refused. Not long after my daughter got to canada things started

> to

>>> > > change. HE lived in an apartment bld that you had to have a key

> to

>>> > > enter the building if you went out. Then there was a 2nd key to

> the

>>> > > apt. He never gave her a key.Her only outlet was the internet.

> Well

>>> > > then he took the internet power cord to work with him so she

>>> > > couldn't get on there. He messaged me and told me that they

> were

>>> > > gonna get married and we would never see our grandkids. The real

>>> > > kicker came when he rented her an apt in niagra falls ,ny

> because

>>> > > she couldn't work in canada. Well this is a woman that has never

>>> > > spent the night alone in her life. She had no transportation so

> she

>>> > > was still gonna be stuck. He got her a job in walmart working

> from

>>> > > 10 pm to 6 am and told her that she would need to ride the bus

> back

>>> > > and forth.The apt was in a bad neighborhood. She had no bed,

>> > nothing

>>> > > for an apt setup. Fortunately we were able to convince her that

>>> > > this was indeed a bad relationship. She was scared to leave so

> we

>>> > > got the Private investigators to arrange for her get away. Her

>>> > > coming home was stipulated that she had to end the relationship

>> > with

>>> > > him, and go to therapy and get some help. All was agreed upon.

> Well

>>> > > then she met a group of ppl from work and decided that she was

>>> > > bisexual. Just before she moved in with this girl she met this

> guy

>>> > > named brad. Well in stead she moved in with brad and said she

> was

>>> > > madly in love. This was a good guy and he was good to her and

> good

>>> > > for her. The relationship lasted 8 months and he got to the

> point

>> > he

>>> > > couldn't handle the constant mood swings and anger . Well now

> she

>>> > > tells me that she had begun communication with steven again and

> is

>>> > > still in love with him. This communication apparently was taking

>>> > > place while brad was at work. (the canadian) is now in

>>> > > tennessee about 2 hours from here.He is working for walmart

>> > learning

>>> > > the ropes for a superstore. She expects us to just forgive the

> past

>>> > > and welcome this guy with open arms. This is the first person

> that

>> > I

>>> > > have ever met that I felt like couldn't do that with.My husband

>>> > > doesn't know yet he is going to go BALLISTIC!!!!!!!!!!!Please

> give

>>> > > me some sound advice. I am torn between telling her that she is

>> > free

>>> > > to date whoever but he is not welcomed at this house, and

> telling

>>> > > her ok I will meet him. Please respond as soon as possible.

> Thanks

>>> > > Debbie

>>> > > Daughter 22 bipolar2, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD,

> PTSD

>>> > > Meds Topomax 400 mg 2x daily.

>> >

>> >

>> >