Hello - long introductory post

[Guest guest]

Well, it only took me three days, but I've read all the posts, and I

would very much like to be a part of this group. I think it's time

and I think I'm ready.

At the end of October, 2000, our then-17 year old daughter began

trying to kill herself. After the third attempt, we were able to get

her into a 2 week placement (after the first two attempts, she'd been

released after 5 - 7 days, the second time over our strenuous

objections and even with insurance coverage still applicable!). At

that point she stopped trying to actually kill herself (she was

started on lithium and the 10 mgs of Paxil she'd been put on in the

first placement was increased to 30 mgs). Living at home, being

privately tutored, and finally returning to her public school, she

managed to finish 11th grade. She went through a period of cutting.

With DBT, she managed to downgrade that behavior to drawing on her

arms with permanent black ink (that was pretty ugly, but temporary).

She completed DBT, got her GED, and held several jobs, all of which

she managed to lose. Her official diagnosis is Bipolar II, rule out

BPD. But I think we can rule it in.

I guess I'd better add that we believe her trigger to be sexual

involvement/rejection that happened at camp the summer before the

suicide attempts began in earnest. Other periods of difficulty also

seem to have been triggered by problemmatic sexual situations and

rejection, although she was never molested as a child that we know

about. We found out later that she'd been very (orally) active with

the boys at her private school. There's also been lots of shoplifting

and lying, although that may not be the case at the moment, but who

knows? She is absolutely terrified of abandonment and positively

certain that the only thing stopping her from having a perfect life

is that she can't afford to move into her own place!

Now she's 18. She's still alive. I have to sit with that for a moment.

Right now I'm trying to come to grips with the fact of the BPD and

that it will be a part of our lives for a long time to come. Our 12

year old son stuffs his emotions, but we're trying to get him to talk

with us more. He has a therapist. My husband and I are completely

partners in the endeavor to keep our daughter alive until she can

keep herself alive, so that part's okay. (He's visiting here and may

post, too.) As a matter of fact, when this whole nightmare began, all

we could do was be thankful that we have the knowledge and the

resources and the abilities to do whatever we have to do to keep her

alive.

But now that we seem to be out of the crises, it's time to face

reality and settle in for the long haul. Issues of boundaries, of

disruption, of respect for all the members of our household, limits,

consequences, and the consequences to us of setting limits and

enforcing consequences (!) must be dealt with consistently. We don't

think it's an option to say, " If you don't abide by our agreements,

you can't live here, " because there are no placements for 18 year

olds and she is not capable of taking care of herself. (Ah, yes, the

old DBT " self-care " tools - she makes a good show to the world, but

you all know what she's like in the house, a disaster!).

I've read SWOE and would very much like to get HOPE (in so many

ways . . . !). She is now taking eskalith, paxil, and wellbutrin. She

sees her therapist every other week and her prescribing dr. monthly.

She is applying for jobs. But mostly she's sleeping all day, hanging

out with young gay boys at night, and not keeping to her curfew. I

know this doesn't sound like much in the way of disruption. But I can

see what's coming. If I look closely, she seems to be sliding into a

manic phase. The mouth is starting to get more sarcastic, the

attitude, more blatant. All she eats is crap. The car is littered

with sugar cereal boxes, empty soda cans, candy wrappers, boxes of

cookies, jars of frosting, french fries, chips, UGH! The dr. added

the Wellbutrin to somehow help with the eating, but it doesn't look

like it's working . . . unless it was supposed to give her an

appetite! She sees the dr. again next week . . .

My anxiety levels are mostly under control. Mostly. I see my

therapist every other week. Take my prozac and buspar (depression

runs in our family). Walk with my neighbor. Teach at temple. Go to

work. Try to eat healthfully and keep the house clean. Etc. But I

think I also need to be in this group, to know that there are other

people who understand the craziness, the fears, the exhaustion. My

husband and I and our son need to stay healthy (our son has a

therapist - my husband has me and his computer!) no matter how

negative the impact of daughter's illness, our dying fathers,

whatever else is going on. So I'd like to visit here and get your

take on things. I know my daughter - at least at the moment - is

quite high functioning. So there's that to cling to. But I don't know

where I'm going to get the internal resources to do this over the

long haul . . .

Everyone here has my highest regard and admiration. To be so invested

in keeping your children going, to take care of them and their

children and yourselves and every other obligation and responsibility

of life and still have something left to offer each other - this is a

good place!

Sorry this was so long. Hope everyone is having an okay day. Thanks.

Shalom, Marci