Re: Getting it off my chest, if I may...

[Guest guest]

,

My hubby and I struggle also. I tend to push just to

keep up where as he could " keep up " with a lot more

than me. I introduced Rick to books and such to help

inform him of my situation. I have never had really

any care for myself and now I have to. I am 30 and I

understand your frustration, people our age " should "

be able to keep up right? Well....again it's the

" invisible " part of this fun disease.

When it comes to " time alone " , I have found that I

literally sometimes have to be completely rested

before I can attempt a thing and we too have 3 boys

running around that are great at pulling the energy

strings. Just know that you are not alone. It takes

a big person to live with anyone that is ill, I just

explain that it is like a " flu " that never goes away.

As women, we tend to be the more " needy " in the

relationship which makes it difficult when the other

is sick. We tend to want to 'fix' everything, and

when we can't, we pass the buck. Your wife loves you

a lot I am sure. It does hurt to watch your partner

fall apart at times, write her a note, leave it on her

pillow, next time you make lunch, put your milk in

wine glasses, it's the little things. Whatever you

do, just know that as long as it has taken you to

accept this, my hubby says it will take him that much

longer.

Keep your chin up, it will work out, you all are in my

prayers,

Deb R

--- wrote:

> Hello,

>

> Some of you may remember me. I am a 38 y/o man

> diagnosed (by my GP)

> with fibro. I am married with 4 kids.

>

> As those of you who are married (or were) know, it's

> a struggle to

> retain some form of normalcy. My wife and I aren't

> doing well.

>

> Yesterday I had a really bad day fibro-wise (today

> is worse) and just

> wanted to lay on the couch with the kids in the

> afternoon. My wife

> went to a friend's party; I picked up the kids from

> a rehearsal and

> made sure that they did their chores, took care of

> lunch, including my

> wife and did 2 loads of laundry.

>

> Last night she told me that I have no compassion for

> anyone other than

> myself and that the TV show that was on when I was

> on the couch was

> more important than her. I actually had to fight

> myself to stay awake

> at 6:30 last night. It was horrible. While I was in

> the living room,

> she was on the phone at various times throughout the

> afternoon and

> night. At one point, she asked me to look at an

> email that she was

> going to send out. I asked her if she could bring it

> to me… no response.

>

> I need to add that the previous two days were great

> for me. I thought

> that the fibro was almost gone. She wasn't feeling

> well, so I let her

> lay in bed, sleep or do whatever she needed to. I

> was feeling decent

> enough to take care of the kids and house, etc.

>

> Anyway, back to last night. The kids went to bed,

> then I went to bed

> hurting, half listening to her and trying to stay

> awake. I honestly

> don't know what time I fell asleep.

>

> This morning she told me that I have a lack of

> compassion to anyone

> but myself and the kids. She brought up " When was

> the last time you

> called your sister or grandmother? " Honestly, it's

> been a while.

>

> She said that she was on the phone waiting for me to

> come to bed. I

> know that she is feeling neglected, but sometimes

> (well, a lot of

> times) I don't have the energy to do much. This has

> affected our

> relationship in multiple ways including intimately

> and she is feeling

> rejected. I understand that, but don't know what to

> do. I know that

> she resents me.

>

> Today is a really down day. It hurts just " being " ,

> if that makes

> sense. I just don't know what to do.

>

> Thanks for letting me bend your ears.

>

> ~

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

, ahev you tried showing her some of the letters that are saved,

that explain about FM? If you want one, I can send a letter to friends

and family that I have- it explains and raises issues that are difficult

to talk about.

I'm sorry things aren't very good for you- it must be hard as a man who

is used ot doing things to be sidelined- even harder than for women, as

I think society is a little more lenient with women in these kinds of

things.

Maybe you could invite her to join the group, to post, I for one would

be very very happy to have you give her my email, and she can ask

anything and I perhaps could help her understand whats happening to you?

Or she could email my hubby and he could help explain it from his point

of biew? He is well informed about FM and what happens. I think she is

mourning the loss of a competent and loving husband and her future plans

with you, not understanding that although you have changed, you are

still the same underneath- with FM all you need is some help and

patience and understanding to be the partner she needs.

Maybe she is used to relying on you more than she can now, and she is

worried she can't hold up her end. Maybe she is feeling a loss of

attention, or worried that you have stopped seeing her as desirable...

maybe she is just worried about finances and kids and there are so many

emotions that she is overwhelmed.

The first thing tho , is not to blame yourself. Be honest with

yourself- if you have been selfish, own it- but I suspect by your post

that you tend to try very hard to hide how much you really need and it

isn't clear to those around you what is going on with you- you are

trying to protect them and give your all for them, very commendable but

also very confusing.

Here is a hug for you ((hug)) and I hope that you can get talking about

things so she can really understand that FM, not you, is the selfish

element causing trouble!

If I can help at all, in anyway, please email me.

Bethann

[Guest guest]

Bethann,

I would be interested in your letter for families if

that is alright, great suggestion by the way,

Deb R

--- B wrote:

> , ahev you tried showing her some of the

> letters that are saved,

> that explain about FM? If you want one, I can send a

> letter to friends

> and family that I have- it explains and raises

> issues that are difficult

> to talk about.

>

> I'm sorry things aren't very good for you- it must

> be hard as a man who

> is used ot doing things to be sidelined- even harder

> than for women, as

> I think society is a little more lenient with women

> in these kinds of

> things.

>

> Maybe you could invite her to join the group, to

> post, I for one would

> be very very happy to have you give her my email,

> and she can ask

> anything and I perhaps could help her understand

> whats happening to you?

> Or she could email my hubby and he could help

> explain it from his point

> of biew? He is well informed about FM and what

> happens. I think she is

> mourning the loss of a competent and loving husband

> and her future plans

> with you, not understanding that although you have

> changed, you are

> still the same underneath- with FM all you need is

> some help and

> patience and understanding to be the partner she

> needs.

>

> Maybe she is used to relying on you more than she

> can now, and she is

> worried she can't hold up her end. Maybe she is

> feeling a loss of

> attention, or worried that you have stopped seeing

> her as desirable...

> maybe she is just worried about finances and kids

> and there are so many

> emotions that she is overwhelmed.

>

> The first thing tho , is not to blame

> yourself. Be honest with

> yourself- if you have been selfish, own it- but I

> suspect by your post

> that you tend to try very hard to hide how much you

> really need and it

> isn't clear to those around you what is going on

> with you- you are

> trying to protect them and give your all for them,

> very commendable but

> also very confusing.

>

> Here is a hug for you ((hug)) and I hope that you

> can get talking about

> things so she can really understand that FM, not

> you, is the selfish

> element causing trouble!

>

> If I can help at all, in anyway, please email me.

>

> Bethann

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Yahoo! Music Unlimited

Access over 1 million songs.

http://music.yahoo.com/unlimited

[Guest guest]

- hang in there, I get the same complaints from my husband. Despite the

fact I am still not well, he feels that I don't pay any attention to him. He

had a cold this weekend. I got all the " stuff " he usually gets for me when I'm

sick, I ended up in 3 stores to get his favorite sherbert, his latest

" designated name brand cold medicine " , his favorite drink, his favorite food.

Then the next night I brought home his favorite subway, last night pizza. I

treated him with the kind of attention he felt he needed. He was so happy he

invited me to find a place for us to stay over New Year's Eve.

Do the same with each of your children. Spend a bit of special time with

them. It doesn't have to be much, a movie, take them out of ice cream,

whatever. But do something within you strength. When you do the laundry,

despite the pain, don't hold it out as if it were special, it is just part of

the partnerhship a marriage should be.

If you don't feel like being on the phone, and I haven't called anyone in a

while,, don't. My reply about the relatives is that is they want to call you,

they will.

Keep up your spirits, it's tough when you feel like you do. Your wife had

just come in ffom a party where " normal' people were doing " normal " things. She

probably had little patience from the face she had to go alone and excuse your

absence. It probably left her irritated.

wrote:

Hello,

Some of you may remember me. I am a 38 y/o man diagnosed (by my GP)

with fibro. I am married with 4 kids.

As those of you who are married (or were) know, it's a struggle to

retain some form of normalcy. My wife and I aren't doing well.

Yesterday I had a really bad day fibro-wise (today is worse) and just

wanted to lay on the couch with the kids in the afternoon. My wife

went to a friend's party; I picked up the kids from a rehearsal and

made sure that they did their chores, took care of lunch, including my

wife and did 2 loads of laundry.

Last night she told me that I have no compassion for anyone other than

myself and that the TV show that was on when I was on the couch was

more important than her. I actually had to fight myself to stay awake

at 6:30 last night. It was horrible. While I was in the living room,

she was on the phone at various times throughout the afternoon and

night. At one point, she asked me to look at an email that she was

going to send out. I asked her if she could bring it to me… no response.

I need to add that the previous two days were great for me. I thought

that the fibro was almost gone. She wasn't feeling well, so I let her

lay in bed, sleep or do whatever she needed to. I was feeling decent

enough to take care of the kids and house, etc.

Anyway, back to last night. The kids went to bed, then I went to bed

hurting, half listening to her and trying to stay awake. I honestly

don't know what time I fell asleep.

This morning she told me that I have a lack of compassion to anyone

but myself and the kids. She brought up " When was the last time you

called your sister or grandmother? " Honestly, it's been a while.

She said that she was on the phone waiting for me to come to bed. I

know that she is feeling neglected, but sometimes (well, a lot of

times) I don't have the energy to do much. This has affected our

relationship in multiple ways including intimately and she is feeling

rejected. I understand that, but don't know what to do. I know that

she resents me.

Today is a really down day. It hurts just " being " , if that makes

sense. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for letting me bend your ears.

~

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