adopted daughter

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/3/2001 11:47:03 PM Central Standard Time,

marylove55045@... writes:

> Birthfather sexually abused her from 7 yrs old to 14

> or so. Physical abuse common in household. Stepmom

> hated her and sibling. Birthfather used her as Other

> Woman. County removed her due to allegations about

> father, and family signed her away for being Problem

> Child with history of runaways, threats, and

>

Does it help having adopted her with that history? Does it make you more able

to not blame yourself because her early experiences were so bad

Randi Kreger

RandiBPD@...

www.BPDCentral.com

" Welcome to Oz " Listowner

[Guest guest]

No Randi, it doesn't help. In fact, it makes both of us feel resentful and

foolish. First we were naive enough to think her " problems " (as they were

referred to) would settle down if she was adopted and had a loving stable home.

Second, the diagnosis didn't come up until after the adoption, during a

counseling session we were asked to participate in and even then it was PSTD.

Daughter was upgraded to BPD within a few months after the adoption!

Had we known there was a diagnosis, and understood what BPD is, Randi....and it

tears my heart out to say this....my husband and I agree we wouldn't have

adopted her.

See, there was a wee bit of a problem...she was already an adult when she moved

into our home as a foster child (18). Because of Data Privacy or something, we

could not be informed about her mental illness unless she allowed it....and she

didn't for hundreds of reasons.

So, no, Randi. We feel worse, foolish, resentful, and resigned to the fact that

we know have a mentally ill daughter who has 2 children - today - being raised

by us. And the fact that she has told us she is certain she is pregnant again,

by a 3rd man. She has made our life hell, dragged us through courts with horrid

false accusations, and has jeopardized our finances...not to mention the intense

strain on our marriage.

-- MN

-- MN

marylove55045@... wrote:

>> Birthfather sexually abused her from 7 yrs old to 14

>> or so. Physical abuse common in household. Stepmom

>> hated her and sibling. Birthfather used her as Other

>> Woman. County removed her due to allegations about

>> father, and family signed her away for being Problem

>> Child with history of runaways, threats, and

>

Randi Replied:

>Does it help having adopted her with that history? Does it make you

>more able

>to not blame yourself because her early experiences were so bad

Randi Kreger

---------------------------------

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/12/2001 2:02:05 AM Central Standard Time,

marylove55045@... writes:

> So, no, Randi. We feel worse, foolish, resentful, and resigned to the fact

> that we know have a mentally ill daughter who has 2 children - today -

> being raised by us. And the fact that she has told us she is certain she is

> pregnant again, by a 3rd man. She has made our life hell, dragged us

> through courts with horrid false accusations, and has jeopardized our

> finances...not to mention the intense strain on our marriage.

>

Oh my. This is one of the reasons that BPD needs to be better known--so

people can look for the traits and understand what they mean. I'm so sorry

this has been so dificult for you. I'm glad that you and your husband could

get your feelings out in the open.

Randi Kreger

RandiBPD@...

www.BPDCentral.com

" Welcome to Oz " Listowner

[Guest guest]

(((MN ))) My history with my daughter is very

similiar to your except that mine is only 17. She was

sexually abused by her father from around 6 or 7 to

13. She was very out of control for years until she

told me the truth about her dad(my ex). Things calmed

down some after she got that out. She is going to

counseling and she is taking her meds BUT I know this

can and probably will change when she turns 18.

I can't imagine what this would be like had I adopted

my daughter because I have days where I can't stand

her and I want her out of my house and life. I've had

days where I felt such deep anger and hatred that I

felt guilty for days for having such thoughts and

feelings about my child. I wish I had some words to

help you or some magic to make every thing all better.

All I can give you is my support and love. Hang in

there!!

Peace and Love,

phine

> No Randi, it doesn't help. In fact, it makes both of

> us feel resentful and foolish. First we were naive

> enough to think her " problems " (as they were

> referred to) would settle down if she was adopted

> and had a loving stable home. Second, the diagnosis

> didn't come up until after the adoption, during a

> counseling session we were asked to participate in

> and even then it was PSTD. Daughter was upgraded to

> BPD within a few months after the adoption!

>

> Had we known there was a diagnosis, and understood

> what BPD is, Randi....and it tears my heart out to

> say this....my husband and I agree we wouldn't have

> adopted her.

>

> See, there was a wee bit of a problem...she was

> already an adult when she moved into our home as a

> foster child (18). Because of Data Privacy or

> something, we could not be informed about her mental

> illness unless she allowed it....and she didn't for

> hundreds of reasons.

>

> So, no, Randi. We feel worse, foolish, resentful,

> and resigned to the fact that we know have a

> mentally ill daughter who has 2 children - today -

> being raised by us. And the fact that she has told

> us she is certain she is pregnant again, by a 3rd

> man. She has made our life hell, dragged us through

> courts with horrid false accusations, and has

> jeopardized our finances...not to mention the

> intense strain on our marriage.

>

> -- MN

>

> -- MN

>

> marylove55045@... wrote:

> >> Birthfather sexually abused her from 7 yrs old to

> 14

> >> or so. Physical abuse common in household.

> Stepmom

> >> hated her and sibling. Birthfather used her as

> Other

> >> Woman. County removed her due to allegations

> about

> >> father, and family signed her away for being

> Problem

> >> Child with history of runaways, threats, and

> >

>

> Randi Replied:

> >Does it help having adopted her with that history?

> Does it make you

> >more able

> >to not blame yourself because her early experiences

> were so bad

>

> Randi Kreger

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

>

[Guest guest]

,

Wow. My hat is off to you for your efforts.

Liz

[Guest guest]

<< I can't believe you said the very words and expressed the very emotions

I am feeling right now. I am SO angry with my daughter>>

This is why this is a great place to share what we feel. To admit that you

feel intense dislike or hatred for your own child is so difficult.

Some of the things I struggle with are finding things to cherish about my

daughter, thinking of positive things to focus on regarding her, even buying

a greetings card that isn't along the lines of " the loving frienship we

share, " and knowing that I would never choose a person with my daughter's

nature as a friend. Dealing with the anger and the sadness, frustration and

isolation has at times been overwhelming but I now accept that looking after

oneself really, really well is vital, not selfish.

.

[Guest guest]

phine wrote:

> I can't imagine what this would be like had I adopted

> my daughter because I have days where I can't stand

> her and I want her out of my house and life. I've had

> days where I felt such deep anger and hatred that I

> felt guilty for days for having such thoughts and

> feelings about my child.

> phine,

I can't believe you said the very words and expressed the very emotions

I am feeling right now. I am SO angry with my daughter. Her verbal

abuse and emotional bludgeoning over the past few days has been

horrendous and I feel such hatred, but at the same time such guilt and

pity for her, because I know she is as miserable inside as she makes all

of us. My daughter is adopted, but I have never felt any differently

about her because of that. I have been her strongest support and

advocate, but she can't see past her anger/rage. I just came home from

taking her to her court-ordered counseling and she screamed (literally)

in my face as I tried to drive home (25 miles is a long way with that

going on). She is with her dad tonight, thank God, I don't think I

could take it...help...

Marsha

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((Marsha)))) I have learned that it is normal to

feel this way. Still...she is my daughter and I have

these deep rooted beliefs that I should never feel

hatred or deep anger at my children. Hmm..wonder

where that came from..like I don't know. I know that

some of my beliefs aren't healthy or right for me. I

try to replace each unhealthy belief with a healthy

one. Still, it's hard not to feel guilty. I am human

and I have feelings too. That is something my

daughter didn't think about...that I had feelings.

She knows know and I remind her at times when she is

getting mean again. I also understand the pity you

feel. I have it too.

I don't put up with her yelling at me like I used to.

I told her that when she yells at me I feel hurt,

angry, confused, and scared. I told her what she was

doing to me was verbal abuse and that I refuse to be

abused by her in any way. I told her that if she

continued to be verbally abusive that I was going to

stop doing some of the things that I was doing for

her...for example: like taking her to see her

boyfriend or going to pick him up to come here. I

told her that she was going to start loosing

privilages every time she was mean to me. It was hard

sticking to what I said but I did it. She slips back

into being mean every now and then...like today. She

started to yell at me and tell me that if I didn't

bring her to work(her first job and she's 17 years

old!) everyday she would have to quit. I stayed calm

and reminded her that she had options other then me.

She could walk or catch the bus. She then started

yelling about how I won't get her a car. Again, I

reminded her that she didn't have a car because she

chose not to have one by being irrisponsible around

the time I was willing to get her a car. Then she

yelled that I won't take her to get her permit so she

can get her license. Again, I reminded her that she

let her permit expire instead of going to get her

license and now she will have to show me that she will

be responsible by doing things like finding her own

way to work...which is something a responsible adult

would do. I walked away after that. She slammed her

door but when she came out of her room she was acting

like everything was ok and was talking about how she

could walk to work on nice days. Go figure!

I know your daughter is older but mentally she sounds

the same age as my 17 year old. May I ask why you

took her to court? Why can't she find her own way

there and back? Why put yourself in situations where

she will be angry and abusive to you? I won't do that

anymore. knows that if she treats me like crap

I will walk away and not listen to anything she has to

say until she calms down and apolgizes to me. It

doesn't always end nicely but it's better then it used

to be. Sometimes I still fall into her trap and then

have to pull myself out before it gets real

ugly....and then get focused on what the real issue

is...the underlying issue.

I wanted to share another thing I learned recently. I

learned that when is scared of something she

will start to attack me verbally about things that

have nothing to do with what's really on her mind.

Let me give you an example. One day I got a phone

call from a gentleman who I just became friends with.

She knew it was him I was on the phone talking to.

After I got off the phone she came into my room and

started fussing at me about stuff that had nothing to

do with my phone call...she went on and on about

whatever came to her mind. I caught on and realized

she was upset about my phone call. I told her to stop

fussing at me and talk to me about what was really

bothering her. She acted like she didn't know what I

was talking about. I asked her if she was upset about

me talking to my male friend. She said yes. I told

her that there were no secrets about my male friend

and that I had talked with her step dad and he knew I

was talking to this guy. She had every right to be

scared and I told her so. I also told her that she

could just come right out and tell me what she is

scared of or concerned about. She is doing better

with my friendship with this male but on occassion she

will make rude comments about me having an affair or

she will joke about it to see how I react. I joke

right back with her. The rudeness I tell her to stop

it. She feels better knowing that I'm not going to

split up with her step dad. She loves him even though

she acts like she hates him some days. Anyway, the

point I was trying to make here is that I have learned

that what she says and what's really going on have

nothing to do with eachother at times. As her mother

it is my job to help her learn how to deal with her

feelings. Once she leaves home I can't do as much for

her but while I can do it I am willing to try.

Hang in there. You deserve to be treated with

respect. Keep sharing all your feelings with us. It

helps to get it out of our heads. It also helps to

know others understand. Are you in the U.S.?

Peace and Love,

phine

--- Marsha Tejeda wrote:

>

>

> phine wrote:

>

> > I can't imagine what this would be like had I

> adopted

> > my daughter because I have days where I can't

> stand

> > her and I want her out of my house and life. I've

> had

> > days where I felt such deep anger and hatred that

> I

> > felt guilty for days for having such thoughts and

> > feelings about my child.

>

> > phine,

>

> I can't believe you said the very words and

> expressed the very emotions

> I am feeling right now. I am SO angry with my

> daughter. Her verbal

> abuse and emotional bludgeoning over the past few

> days has been

> horrendous and I feel such hatred, but at the same

> time such guilt and

> pity for her, because I know she is as miserable

> inside as she makes all

> of us. My daughter is adopted, but I have never felt

> any differently

> about her because of that. I have been her

> strongest support and

> advocate, but she can't see past her anger/rage. I

> just came home from

> taking her to her court-ordered counseling and she

> screamed (literally)

> in my face as I tried to drive home (25 miles is a

> long way with that

> going on). She is with her dad tonight, thank God,

> I don't think I

> could take it...help...

>

> Marsha

>

> >

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