Why It's Healthy to Put Yourself First: Reduce Stress with Guilt-Free Pampering

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Why It's Healthy to Put Yourself First: Reduce Stress with Guilt-

Free Pampering

By Drs. and Heller

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Healthy Selfishness

Healthy selfishness is an important ingredient in living a full

life, and its presence -- or lack of it -- can be felt in both the

biggest issues as well as the smallest details. Actually, if you

want to know the truth about a couple's relationship, examine their

bathroom. Whose stuff gets more territory or the most convenient

space? Does the couple share towels, razors, and toothbrushes? Who

gets more time in there, and whose schedule takes priority?

If you want some insight into yourself, your bathroom habits will

reveal that as well. How much time do you take in the shower or tub?

Do you take care of your kids while you're in the bathroom? Do you

feel compelled to answer the phone in there, too? Do you wish you

had more time to relax, all alone, behind a closed door?

Bathrooms are among the few remaining sanctuaries in our daily

lives. They offer us a respite from interaction and stress and even

have the potential to provide emotional and spiritual replenishment.

In this sense bathrooms make a good metaphor for the pleasures of

healthy selfishness -- the commonsense approach to getting what you

deserve out of life without feeling guilty. Healthy selfishness is a

way of thinking and acting in which there is a deep appreciation and

concern for yourself. It includes a willingness to respect your own

feelings, desires, and needs as well as to trust your knowledge,

ability, and experience. Healthy selfishness involves accepting your

weaknesses and imperfections without beating yourself up. It means

nurturing yourself and loving yourself unconditionally. In a

practical sense, it means doing such things as resting when you're

tired or asking for emotional support without apology.

Many psychologists see healthy selfishness as a higher level of

mental function that can help you reach your full potential. People

who practice healthy selfishness have a zest for living, a joy that

comes from savoring one's accomplishments. Healthy selfishness opens

the door to a life of freedom -- freedom from being ruled by the

opinions and demands of others as well as freedom from the voices in

your own mind, often left over from childhood, that judge and blame

you relentlessly.

The Cost of Self-Denial

However, for the majority of Americans, healthy selfishness remains

just out of reach. What we practice instead is self-denial, the

sacrificing of our needs and desires in order to fulfill those of

others. Self-denial often stems from guilt and feelings of

unworthiness. It can be a hallmark of a childhood in which we may

have felt fearful and powerless, our needs were disregarded or

ignored, we were judged unfairly and found wanting (especially in

comparison to others), and our efforts and achievements were rarely

acknowledged or appreciated. Self-deniers give up their most basic

needs not because they want to, but because they find it almost

impossible not to. Their feelings, thoughts, and ways of coping do

not stem from any shortcomings but are the results of having denied

themselves for too long. The characteristic feelings, thoughts, and

ways of coping among self-deniers are the exact opposite of those

who have a healthy degree of selfishness. The former are typically

anxious, indecisive, and sensitive to criticism, while the latter

feel peaceful and content, make decisions confidently and accept

constructive criticism. Self-deniers are often perfectionists who

worry obsessively; their counterparts are realists who actively

solve their problems.

The true cost of self-denial is high. In failing to put our own

needs first, we hope or assume others will give to us as we give to

them. But they don't. And an unhealthy dynamic begins: We attempt to

comfort ourselves with rationalizations and to convince ourselves

that others would give back if they could. We attribute their

inability to overwork and other pressures and tell ourselves they're

unaware that their lack of sensitivity or concern causes us pain. We

may accuse ourselves of being " overly sensitive " or of " making too

much of it. " Finally, there are the old standby excuses that totally

absolve others of all responsibility. " That's just his way, " we say,

then shrug and pretend to let the matter go. But we don't let it go,

and our resentment of this lack of reciprocity festers within.

Ongoing self-denial can lead to bouts of depression, extreme

impatience, fits of rage, or unexplained tearfulness. In the grand

scheme of self-denial, these warning signs likely go unheeded.

" You're making me sick! " " You're driving me crazy! " Even as you are

saying the words, you may fail to hear the truth in your remarks.

These are not simply random shouts of frustration, but powerfully

poignant descriptions of what is happening to your body. You

experience self-denial as stress -- an inevitable result when you've

exhausted your time, patience, and energy. Denying your need to stop

taking care of someone else may be one of the greatest stresses you

can endure. Stress can lead to headaches, digestive problems, skin

disorders, and insomnia. High levels of the hormones cortisol and

insulin, which are associated with stress, have been shown to damage

arteries and increase the body's ability to make and store fat; they

also accelerate wear and tear on muscles and organs -- even bones.

An increase in stress hormones has been linked to stroke, heart

attacks, and cancer.

So think of it this way: Your sacrifices for the good of others may

end up being far more of a sacrifice than you ever imagined. While

putting your needs ahead of the demands of others can't guarantee

that you'll stay well or live to your 100th birthday, a fair portion

of healthy selfishness is likely to reduce the psychological and

physical stress that can lead to illness. A daily dose of healthy

selfishness may do more than make you feel good -- it may be just

what the doctor ordered.

Put Yourself in Control

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one,

but the lightbulb has to really want to change. In that joke lies a

great truth. If you want a better life and to get what you deserve,

you have to want it, and badly. The desire to change lies below your

fears, deep down in your soul. It's that part of you that longs to

say, " I'm tired of this and I'm not going to take it anymore. " When

you feel this strongly, all you need is a bit of guidance and

encouragement. Wanting to change doesn't mean that you must do it

right away. It's your choice to move slowly, moderately, or quickly,

based on circumstances and personal preference. And it's best to

tackle one problem area at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. This

is your first official act of rebellion against the voices that

dictate your most private choices. Put yourself in control. Here are

your options:

Small steps. This involves a commitment to change by staying focused

on your needs. These are actions you take every day, choices that

may seem insignificant individually. For example, reading this

article is an action of intent that shows you want a more productive

life. Small steps can also make your life and relationships more

rewarding while reducing the resistance you might encounter. Let's

say you're constantly chauffeuring your teen daughter around; maybe

you're not ready to refuse her request, but you can simply not offer

to drive.

Longer strides. This requires a commitment to taking action by

finding a middle road of compromise. Longer strides lead to

intentional actions, setting boundaries, and holding your bottom

line. For instance, you might tell your daughter that you intend to

limit the number of times you'll act as her driver and ask her to

come up with a new arrangement that would fulfill both your needs.

At times, longer strides may lead to a rocky path of confrontation

and opposition. This is the choice of the truly frustrated,

sometimes brave and often desperate.

Life-changing leaps. This involves making unilateral decisions and

acting on your own behalf without the input of others. Life-changing

leaps are reserved for people who feel they have no other choice.

Although quick, profound change can be exhilarating, it can be

followed by self-doubt and fear of repercussions. For example, you

might place strict limits on the number of times you'll act as

driver for your daughter, along with requirements regarding how much

advance notice you'll need. Then, if you weren't given enough

notice, you'd refuse the request even if your daughter responds with

threats or temper tantrums.

As you begin to focus on your needs, you'll see it can make a world

of difference. Saying no to a pushy mother-in-law's insistence that

you have holiday dinner at her house can make you feel like a new

woman. Refusing to feel guilty and running to the rescue when your

teen is out of money can make you feel like you're the kind of

parent you always knew you could be. Telling your mate that you're

too tired to make love instead of just going through the motions can

make you feel far sexier the next time. Freedom and joy come from

simple, single acts of healthy selfishness, and each act feeds the

next until suddenly you discover that you are living the honest and

satisfying life you always dreamed of.

Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, February 2006.