Introductions

[Guest guest]

Welcome to all of you who have taken the time to write your introductions.

Especially those of you who have written for the first time. Don't be

strangers, join in. The more you ask, the more we all get out of this forum.

There are a core of people who know a lot about certain aspects of MSA, but

don't be afraid to jump in at any time. We learn from each other.

It may take a while to learn who you are for some of us oldtimers (after 40, 50

or 60 your memory gets a little shaky at times). Someone here on the list once

said " The first thing to go is memory or sex, can't remember which " , but in

truth about 40-45 my arms got too short and I could not hold the newspaper far

enough away to read it. Even need glasses to read the computer screen now.

We are always happy to see new people writing.

Take care, Bill and Charlotte

[Guest guest]

Dear Cheryl, Thank you for your reply. God has been with us through so much.

I have to trust He is in this with us too. I sure wish I could understand it.

God bless you, Pattyheryl Tubiak wrote: Hi,Patty

Just wanted to say how very sorry I am with all you are going through. God

Bless you and hang on to God because he is your answer.

God Bless

Cheryl

[Guest guest]

Randi,

Hi! I'm Beth, I'm 41 - my BP is my almost 18yr old

dau. She is an acting out BP and has demonstrated all

DSM criteria over the years. She has been out of our

house since Jan 2000 and under her biol. dad's

custody. Previous to that she lived with me. I left

her dad when she was 18 mths old. She was diagnosed by

the first facility I put her in as anorexic,

depressed, obsessive/compulsive, with " father hunger " .

Since that time she's gone through diagnoses of

manic/depressive and bi-polar. Finally, two

facilities have diag. her as BPD " tendencies " -

neither will diag. w/BPD until age 18. Plus, her ins.

won't cover BPD - though it covers the eating

disorder, suicide attempts, and depression - in other

words they'll take care of her once she's half dead,

but not pay for pre-emptive care -sorry if I sound

angry, but I've totally had my fill with the

unhelpfulness of ins. companies!!!

I think the splitting, lying and manipulating have

been the hardest in trying to maintain a relationship,

but it's the numerous suicide attempts and self-abuse

(anorexia, bulimia, self-hitting, laxative and alcohol

abuse, reckless driving, and now promiscuity

etc...)that are the hardest for me as a mom. I was

terrified every time she went in her room and closed

the door. She has been in multiple treatment

facilities. Right now she's in a " good " time

(relative for a BP -wonder each time I talk to her

when the shoe may drop again!). We just came out of a

" bad " time - for now she's in therapy that seems to be

helping. It's psychodrama, which she loves (she wants

to study acting), though she continues to deny she has

BP. She also has a boyfriend that she's crazy about -

which has her " up " . God help us if he breaks up with

her. She has said she will decide what - if any -

treatments and meds she will/won't do once she turns

18 - since that's less than 2 weeks away, that's kind

of scary - though I know she has to live her own life

- I just pray she'll make safe and appropriate

choices. She's very attractive, high IQ...but really

seems to be bent on her own destruction and anyone's

that she feels gets in her way or thwarts her desires.

Relationships are completely disposable - only to be

resumed at her convienence without a word of apology.

Faith and very supportive friends and family have been

my mainstay - I am also really glad to have found the

e-support groups - it helps alot to know we're not

alone!!!

I already read " Hope for Parents... " it was

really helpful. Thanks...

Love and prayers to all, Beth

--- RandiBPD@... wrote:

> I'm wondering if the members of this group could

> introduce themselves

> and tell us a little about their child--what his or

> her traits are

> and how old he or she is. If you have any questions,

> I will try to

> answer them as the coauthor of " Hope for Parents:

> How to Help Your

> Borderline Child Without Sacrificing Your Family or

> Yourself. " Also,

> if any of you DON'T have this book let me know and I

> will get you a

> discount.

>

>

> Randi Kreger

> RandiBPD@...

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I am a mother of four children. Our eldest son, we believe but has not been

confirmed, has BPD. He is making our lives a nightmare.

He does not work, he does not leave the house (when we allow him to live

here), he cries a lot, he has a bad temper, he tries to manipulate everyone,

he is a drug addict and an alcoholic.

He has been out on the streets for the past 3.5 months and just come home

this last weekend. He told us he wanted to go for help but has not gone so

far.

Any suggestions, ideas, etc. you may have for living with him are greatly

appreciated.

>From: RandiBPD@...

>Reply-To: WTOParentsOfBPs

>To: WTOParentsOfBPs

>Subject: introductions

>Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2001 19:04:33 -0000

>

>I'm wondering if the members of this group could introduce themselves

>and tell us a little about their child--what his or her traits are

>and how old he or she is. If you have any questions, I will try to

>answer them as the coauthor of " Hope for Parents: How to Help Your

>Borderline Child Without Sacrificing Your Family or Yourself. " Also,

>if any of you DON'T have this book let me know and I will get you a

>discount.

>

>

>Randi Kreger

>RandiBPD@...

>

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Hello all!

I have just joined this board and having read some of the postings, I

already feel a bit better--at least I know I'm not alone! By way of

introduction, I'd like to tell you a bit about myself, my family, and

our situation.

I am a divorced mother of two adopted children--, 16 (BPD) and

Stephan (11-non BP). I am a middle school teacher in a small town where

everyone knows EVERYTHING! The kids' father, who is very involved in

their lives, is an elementary school principal in the same town.

Currently, lives with me one month and her dad the next. Her

brother switches houses every two weeks. We only live a few miles

apart, so this arrangement works pretty well.

Both kids were adopted at birth. 's birthmother drank, so there

has always been a suspicion of FAE along with all the other problems.

She exhibited excitability and extreme irritability even as an infant.

She has always had difficulty sleeping, as well. As a small child, she

was frequently inconsolable, depressed (she threatened to throw herself

out the window when she was only 4), miserable without knowing why, and

threw regular " off-the-charts " tantrums, which we came to label

" meltdowns " . No amount of reasoning, logic, or discussion would

penetrate. We soon learned to wait until she cooled off, but even then

she couldn't understand the situation. We were always the bad guy, in

the wrong, or just plain at fault for everything. No personal

responsibility on her part for any of the breakdown. We thought she

would grow out of this behavior, but instead it has increased each

year. She has had a few incidents of self harming. Just last week,

when grounded yet again, she asked me, " Mom, I just can't stay out of

trouble. Why don't they just put people to sleep like they do dogs and

cats? " My heart broke once again.

Her behavior began to really deteriorate at around age 12. Since that

time (and I'm glossing over A LOT of time here...) she has been in and

out of treatment facilities, been seem by many esteemed doctors (even

the Amen Clinic--one of the best in the country for behavioral/brain

dysfunction problems), been on various meds, and of course has

accumulated a truckload of diagnoses--bipolar, ADHD, oppositional

defiant, etc. The latest one is BPD. She is currently on Wellbutrin,

Depakote and Trazadone for sleep. She has had severe substance abuse

problems. Her latest stint was at an outdoor therapeutic boarding

school. She came home in June, with a strong contract in place. Of

course, since that time she has bent or broken every rule and I am

constantly policing her infractions. She was also to get and keep a

full time job, which she did for the first few weeks...but guess what?

That job just seemed to disappear and she couldn't or wouldn't give any

explanation as to why. It seems that she was not doing a good job and

they pretty much scheduled her out - of course she is too ashamed to

admit this - I found out when I inquired (it's a small town, as I

said). But, then, lying is ALWAYS her first response. She hates to be

alone and being bored is terrifying and upsetting for her. Her

friendships change rapidly as she wears people out very quickly.

Most of all it's been the rages that wear me out. Recently, she broke

a shelf in her room and some treasured porcelain pieces when she slammed

her door. I am beginning to wonder if I should be afraid for myself.

Then she will say, " Mom, you're the only one who can handle me when I

get so angry. " She asked to go on Depakote because she knows it can

possibly help control the unreasonable anger...I have been afraid for my

own and my son's safety at times.

School has now started and she thinks she still deserves all the freedom

in the world. I have told her that if she breaks the rules, she pays

the consequences. I keep the rules very black and white, but she just

doesn't " get it " . As she is 16, she drives, although she is not allowed

to use the car presently as she has had multiple accidents, including

totaling her dad's car after she took it without permission. Amazingly,

she managed to blame us for " not letting her drive " after that

incident! A month or so ago, I finally told her that the next time she

violated my rules (my consequences seem to have little effect except

throwing her into a blind rage - even thought I try to be as consistent

as I can) I would call the police and report her as incorrigible. I

did, we went to court and she is now in the " system " . She now has to

answer to our local probation officer (who is wonderful with kids.) I

hated to do it, but at some point, someone else has to make her

accountable as well. It's a relief to have someone else drug test her

regularly if nothing else. It was always such a struggle to do it

myself. She also has to do community service, counseling, drug group,

and has a

mandatory school clause which has really helped as she was truant

several times.

I am exhausted. I am sad. I am angry. I am overwhelmed. My son is

the complete opposite to his sister. She has always resented his sunny

nature and ridiculed him as " the perfect one " - out of her own despair,

I know, but it hurts. He is very sweet, sensitive, and confused by the

ever changing person that is his sister. I consistently make sure that

he doesn't feel that he is left out due to his sister's antics.

Basically, I work and I am with the kids. That's it. only

calls her dad when she wants something. She tries to pit us against one

another (a difficult problem when the parents are together, even worse

when they are divorced). Her dad is very black and white and they butt

heads often. His frustration is expressed in his criticism of how I am

handling . I can't seem to win -- that " damned if you do, damned

if you don't " situation many of us feel.

I'm sorry this is so long. It feels good to get it off my chest and to

know there are others out there that understand what I'm going through.

Thanks for reading this and I would love any support that anyone could

give. Believe me, I know how stressed other parents of BPD's are and

how busy you are putting out fires in your own homes, so thanks in

advance!

Marsha Tejeda

>

[Guest guest]

On Mon, 26 Nov 2001 18:58:27 -0800 Marsha Tejeda

writes:

>> >>>>Then she will say, " Mom, you're the only one who can handle me

when I get so angry. " >

Jon says this to me too!!!

> >>>>>.... I would call the police and report her as incorrigible. I

did, we went to court and she is now in the " system " . She now has to

answer to our local probation officer (who is wonderful with kids.) I

hated to do it, but at some point, someone else has to make her

accountable as well.

I think you totally did the right thing. I have called the police on

Jon too. And since the beginning of the year I have completely stopped

" cushioning " him. I have refused to co-opt his idea that it's anyone's

fault other than his own. This has upped the trauma (temporarily I hope)

because I have refused to coddle him. And I know that if I had coddled

him, done the doormat-mamma thing, I could have staved off many episodes.

But I refused. I never at any time prodded him on; but I didn't gloss

over anything either. And It was really really hard. The cops have been

here about 6-7 times. Several times they have handcuffed him; put

hobbles on him; 4-point restraints in the back of ambulances. On the one

hand, the over-stimulation of all the sirens and flashing lights and the

buzzing of all the radios and 4-6 big cops in my house have aggrivated

his condition. But then he ends up in the hospital for 2weeks to 2

months, gives him time to detox around other people who are all saying

" look kid you've got a problem " in a very therapeutic way.

And as a result? Well, it's been the year from hell. But he's now 8

1/2; and he as 1) admitted consistently that he has a problem and 2) has

verbalized repeatedly over the last 2 months -- this is new!!-- that he

doesn't want to act this way any more. I think these are two very big

milestones for him. And I don't think he would have gotten here if I had

just sweetly tried to reason with him. I didn't. I flat out, but very

nicely, NEVER allowed him to get away with anything. And the message I

gave him during his " coherent " moments was " I am stronger than your pain

and I will not let your pain rule the day. Period. "

I don't know how long lasting his progress will be. But I definately

believe in getting as many people involved as possible. Don't be ashamed

to ask for help. The community wants to help parents like us, who are

trying to do front-end intervention. Because these people know all too

well what back-end intervention looks like.

Hang in there. Be strong.

Liz

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to say hello to everyone. I just joined this group last week. My name is LuCinda, I am 47 years old and I just got approved for surgery. My date will be at least 5 or 6 months from now, but I figured the more I know ahead of time, the better off I will be. I have already got some great ideas from the postings, and I want to thank all of you. As I get closer to my date, and after, I am sure I will have a million questions. I'm so glad you are all here.

Thanks,

LuCinda

Tazz51@...

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group LuCinda!! Will you be having your surgery at one of

the Kaiser facilities or will you be going to Pacific Bariatric?

Hugs,

Jen

Tazz51@... wrote:

Just wanted to say hello

to everyone. I just joined this group last week. My name is LuCinda, I am

47 years old and I just got approved for surgery. My date will be at least

5 or 6 months from now, but I figured the more I know ahead of time, the

better off I will be. I have already got some great ideas from the postings,

and I want to thank all of you. As I get closer to my date, and after, I

am sure I will have a million questions. I'm so glad you are all here.

Thanks,

LuCinda

Tazz51@...