Helping grandparents understand

[Guest guest]

Hi

My mother and my MIL are very in on this diet with me. I gave them

each a shopping list of foods Nik can eat and each week they go out and buy

whatever I am in need of ( they call me and ask ). Even sometimes they will

just look on the list and decide to buy it. This makes my grocery bill a

little less, but still up there. I am very lucky to have both my parents and

my in-laws going full force with the diet. My sons god-mother even is in on

the deal, when we go over I bring Niks treats and when her kids eat them Nik

eats them also ( her kids will eat anything ). He probably thinks well if

Trev and KK can eat it then it might not be to bad LOL. I hope there are

others out there as lucky as I am because it makes this whole diet thing a

bit easier.

Terry

[Guest guest]

Forgot to mention that my MIL book me and her a trip to the Orlando

conference to get as much info on this as possible. She spends her days

looking at books at the library to find recipes that Nik would like. They

both go with me to Niks DAn appointments ( and this helps when Nik wants to

go and play with the toys so I can talk with the DR )

Terry

[Guest guest]

It took a long time for my MIL to understand this whole diet. I spent a lot

of time explaining it, only to feel as though she wasn't listening. Well,

I'm happy to say, she finally sees the light. She stayed with us last

weekend and copied many of my recipes down, so that she could have treats

for the kids when they come and visit. She even made me take her to Whole

Foods, so that she could buy some mixes, flour and xanthan gum. It really

makes you happy when family supports you on this. However, closed minded

people can't be changed or forced to understand this. My own mother barely

listens to me when I explain it. She will never go out of her way to have

the diet foods for the kids at her house. I finally had to decide that the

kids can't go there. She asks why, and I explain it over and over! She

just doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it. If she wants to see her

grandkids, then she'll have to get in her car and come to our house. I hate

to have to be this way, but I feel I have no choice.

a - Madison WI

[Guest guest]

Hi , I've read many of your posts and still am bothered by the " failure

to trive " diagnosis, it reminds me of a story my friend told me about her

friend who's daughter had the same diagnosis but the doctors had no

treatment. I was shocked to think that they go do nothing for a child

failing to thrive....(what? are they going to let her die?) but it hits home

with my son, who has a diagnosis of autsim and is also failing to thrive

appropriately because he has malabsortion and diahrrea...and I was naive to

think doctors knew how to treat such problems.

Anyway, in your response to the grandparents, My mom was completely

pro-active and supports everything we do, continues to learn as much as she

can and travels out here 3 times a year to help. My husbands parents are

really great, they live closer and come down about once a month, it took them

a really long time to finally understand what was " wrong " with their

grandson. They just didn't get it, because my son is " high-functiioning " and

verbal, and they haven't been around a " normal " 3-year old in 30 years, they

didn't realize the problem, but as he gets older, and they are reading more

and more about, they have really taken an interest, they came down a few

weeks ago to babysit while my husband and I went to an IEP meeting, they sat

in on a 2-hour therapy session and were so enlightened!! They can't stop

talking and asking about it now. They have always supported us, but just

didn't fully understand. Now that they are starting to, the diet is a factor

and they are happy to support it, since they want to take both my GFCF boys

to Seaworld - " only what is in thier lunch bag " Steer past the cotton candy

and ice cream....no problem.

Hope your parents will soon be enlightened...Good Luck

Llynne (chase 3.11 and 14mos)

[Guest guest]

I really feel for you. This is a hard situation to be

in. In our case there is a strong Asperger tendancy

in my spouses family and as I learned more about why

my son did the things he does and why, I came to the

realization that they were not going to change. They

listened politely, but live in a lot of denial. It's

funny, even DH used to describe his parents as living

in their own little world - and they truly are.

If I had your situation where they were feeding my

child inappropriate food then that is easily solved.

Only eat meals with them at your home, and make them

100 GF/CF. Not that hard really, stew, chili, baked

chicken or fish, sloppy joes, pot roast, meatloaf ect.

They don't have the expertise to babysit for you, not

yet.

It sounds like they do not respect what you are doing.

You can't make people like that change. Especially

if they are inflexible concrete thinkers themselves.

What they can do is be your Mom and Dad - for better

or for worse. Don't stress over trying to make them

" see " . You have enough stress in your life, we all

do! If you can ever have your husband watch the

children then go out with your folks, or go to a

garage sale with your Mom, or just go hang with your

Dad. I know you need help and support, but it doesn't

sound like they will be able to provide that at this

time anyway.

I'm sorry this is so long but your post really touched

me. I no longer have my Dad, and my Mom lives a few

miles away. She is bipolar and unmedicated and I can

not take my kids around her for their own safety.

Before a few years ago my son had a wonderful

relationship with my Mom though, and he still asks

about her. I don't know if she even knows about his

diagnosis. She's never seen my daughter, her only

grandaughter, and she's 4. I miss her, but I can't

fix her. Her irrational anger is too much.

Anyway, love your folks for who they are.

Robin in K.C.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Thanks Robin!

We often say DHs parents are in their own world, they travel EVERYWHERE but

make it a point not to come here, they are in FL and we are in MO, ALL of

there family is here, they have never seen either of our daughters (2yrs and

7 month)!! They call with a 5 min free phone call and just say " hi, 5 min

phone card, gotta go by. " I don't understand them but maybe that is where

all this comes from.

DH has 2 sisters and 1 brother and they are all the same way, DH doesn't

really talk to them anymore, he often says my family is the only " family " he

has, the rest of them really don't care.

>

> Reply-To: GFCFKidsegroups

> Date: Sat, 5 Aug 2000 21:03:48 -0500

> To: gfcfkidsegroups

> Subject: Helping grandparents understand

>

>

> I really feel for you. This is a hard situation to be

> in. In our case there is a strong Asperger tendancy

> in my spouses family and as I learned more about why

> my son did the things he does and why, I came to the

> realization that they were not going to change. They

> listened politely, but live in a lot of denial. It's

> funny, even DH used to describe his parents as living

> in their own little world - and they truly are.

>

> If I had your situation where they were feeding my

> child inappropriate food then that is easily solved.

> Only eat meals with them at your home, and make them

> 100 GF/CF. Not that hard really, stew, chili, baked

> chicken or fish, sloppy joes, pot roast, meatloaf ect.

> They don't have the expertise to babysit for you, not

> yet.

>

> It sounds like they do not respect what you are doing.

> You can't make people like that change. Especially

> if they are inflexible concrete thinkers themselves.

> What they can do is be your Mom and Dad - for better

> or for worse. Don't stress over trying to make them

> " see " . You have enough stress in your life, we all

> do! If you can ever have your husband watch the

> children then go out with your folks, or go to a

> garage sale with your Mom, or just go hang with your

> Dad. I know you need help and support, but it doesn't

> sound like they will be able to provide that at this

> time anyway.

>

> I'm sorry this is so long but your post really touched

> me. I no longer have my Dad, and my Mom lives a few

> miles away. She is bipolar and unmedicated and I can

> not take my kids around her for their own safety.

> Before a few years ago my son had a wonderful

> relationship with my Mom though, and he still asks

> about her. I don't know if she even knows about his

> diagnosis. She's never seen my daughter, her only

> grandaughter, and she's 4. I miss her, but I can't

> fix her. Her irrational anger is too much.

>

> Anyway, love your folks for who they are.

>

> Robin in K.C.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

> Thanks Robin!

>

> We often say DHs parents are in their own world, they travel EVERYWHERE

but

> make it a point not to come here, they are in FL and we are in MO, ALL of

> there family is here, they have never seen either of our daughters (2yrs

and

> 7 month)!! They call with a 5 min free phone call and just say " hi, 5 min

> phone card, gotta go by. " I don't understand them but maybe that is where

> all this comes from.

Maybe you're on to something! My mother is so anti-social! When we lived 5

minutes from her house, she rarely came over. When she did stop by, she

kept her coat on! She never stayed longer than 20 minutes. Since we moved

1-1/2 hours away, I'm sure she'll never visit. In fact, all winter I heard,

" When the weather gets nice, I'll come out to see you! " Its August, and

apparently the weather still isn't nice, because she's never come! We've

lived in Madison 11 months! The last time we visited her, my daughter was

terrified by her. My mom gave me this dirty look like, " Whats wrong with

her! " Geez, she's only seen her grandmother 10 times in 2-1/2 years. You

guys will really like this one. When my first child was born, my mother was

afraid to hold him! She held him for the first time when he was 4 months

old! I hope no one else has a scary mom like I do! Thank god for my mother

in law! She actually takes the bus to come and see us.

a - Madison WI

[Guest guest]

This is a very difficult subject and I don't have any answers. While I was

reading your post I felt like I was reading some of my story with my

in-laws. When (5) was born (only boy grandchild) he could do nothing

wrong. Grandma and Pap loved him unconditionally and begged us to watch

him. As he neared his second birthday and develped ASD characteristics you

could see Grandma and Pap begin to pull away. We don't see them often (once

every month or two) and responds to " strangers " the same way does

(this is more typical for ASD than you think). My in-laws didn't come right

out and say this bothered them that their little grandson screamed when they

spoke to him the minute he walked in their door, but you could see it in

their eyes and the way they treated him. I know that my father-in-law felt

that the blood line was dying and my mother-in-law just couldn't communicate

with him. Also, they no longer offered to look after him as they had

before. I honestly felt they were frightened of him. One time I asked my

mother-in-law if we could leave with her while we ran to the store.

You could just feel the anxiety level in the room raise 100% and she said

" What do I do? " EXCUSE ME the woman raised two kids and watched numerous

others, but one little boy intimidates her. Anyway, 's language and

vocabulary has exploded recently therefore others can understand him better.

It seems the more " normal " becomes (I say that tongue-in-cheek), the

more accepting Grandma & Pap become. has also been recently diagnosed

as high-functioning which I know has helped in their " image. "

My father passed away this April and he never understood 's autism or

for that matter, but he was never mean to him. He had numerous strokes

over the past 10 years and it effected his cognition. He tended cry and

worry about his future. My dad did get to hear talk in sentences

before he passed and I know that made him happy. The last time my dad saw

they were looking out the livingroom window at some turkeys and

said " I see turkeys! " Then the turkeys disappeared and said " I don't

see turkeys! " The turkeys reappeared and again said " I see turkeys! "

My dad asked " How many turkeys do you see? " and responded by

counting all 13 turkeys. I know that made him very happy.

On the other hand, my mom is the most accepting person and she praises

and our efforts any chance she gets. She also tries to get us as many

resources as possible because we live in a rural area while she lives in the

city.

I wish I had the answer to our problems, but unfortunately with family it

isn't that easy. I know for us, we have learned to rely on ourselves and

those people who accept and his " querks. "

Kim B.

> Message: 4

> Date: Sat, 05 Aug 2000 14:39:14 -0500

>

> Subject: helping grandparents understand

>

> okay I know this will be tough.

>

> I email my parents links on all this info, but the wont read them

>

> so I invite them over to my house and my dad left (to go get beer!!) and I

> read printed copies to my mom of information about the diet, the theories

> and why the diet might be working.

>

> They see the changes to but they dont spend enough time with her to

> really really see the major changes.

>

> Anyway, they were here for dinner last night, I explained that could

> not be fed " contaminated " food (they really love it when I say that!!)

hehe

>

> So they proceeded to feed her off their plates and not pay attention to

what

> went with it or what touched what, (we also had rice that was not GFCF) My

> dad went on to say " as long as we don't get obsessive about it " well, I

had

> to explain there is a line and you either go 100% or you don't, we chose

> 100%. I said " would you feed your child drugs?? would you feed your child

> food that drugs touched?? " He still doesnt understand (was almost making

fun

> of me and laughing like I was just the biggest fool!!

>

> I don't know how else to let him know I AM SERIOUS, I don't even trust

them

> to babysit her, I don't believe they will follow what to feed her!! I feel

> horrible.

>

> ALSO is very " shy " and doesnt go to " strangers " Personally I think

> this part is odd since I thought part of autism is that the kids will go

to

> anyone and be just as happy as they are with a parent, we don't have an

> autism diagnosis but the diet had worked wonders on her.

>

> My dad is very pushy and keeps trying to be very forward with megan, keeps

> walking toward her and cornering her when she is obviously distressed and

> cryiing because she does not want him, (I feel bad too, I want them to

feel

> loved by her) but what they dont understand is that they need to let her

> come to them!! I told him to leave her alone and let her settle down and

he

> said " YOU NEED TO BREAK HER OF THAT!! " I am soooooo angry and hurt!! I

told

> him not to question my parenting skills and to leave her alone until she

was

> ready to come to him. My gosh she is only 2!!!!! I remember so many

times

> when I was little he pushed me to do things I did not want to do and if I

> refused of was shy about it he got very angry and violent. I will never

make

> my child feel like that ever!!!!!!! I really dont think there is anything

I

> can do to MAKE her be more forward except to empower her and let her know

it

> is okay to say no, build her self confidence (which is going to take some

> time!!) In the mean time I just wish my parents understood and listened to

> what megan needs.

>

> Sorry for venting, please respond if you have successfully explained this

to

> family or friends.

> *******************************

> & Larry in Missouri

> Janna 7-15-98 (failure to thrive)

> CF since 6-28-00 and GF since 7-16-00

> Noelle 12-27-99 (nt)

> *******************************

>

>

>