Zen for Everyone

[Guest guest]

ZEN FOR EVERYONE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not

walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk

beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell

alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a

broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going

to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to

do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you

aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,

you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone

else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try

missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a

mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them

you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not

for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach

him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink

beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person

again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember

anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the

windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot

of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold

it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like The Force: It has a light side

and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women.

Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when

your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just

after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on

our ass...then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping

pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between " hobby " and " mental

illness. "

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way

to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting

other people to make a big deal about your

birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

**************************