Re: Major Rant.. any suggestions?

September 8, 2000

I think you handled the situation beautifully! Far more brave that I have

ever been.

(~._.~)

(Y)

--()-,-()--<@

(_)-(_) Carla

September 9, 2000

Hi Cialynne,

I think you should be very proud of yourself for standing up for your human

rights. It is a sad thing to say but allot of people think it is ok to make

fun of fat people, they never stop to think about the fact that we have

feelings to.

Well this guy will think twice before he make another comment like that

again! You should pat yourself on the back for a job well done, even though

I know you would rather not to have gone through that at all.

Keep your head up,

Rhonda M

P.S Thanks for sharing it with us.

>

>Reply-To: duodenalswitchegroups

>To: <duodenalswitchegroups>

>Subject: Major Rant.. any suggestions?

>Date: Sat, 9 Sep 2000 22:55:04 -0400

>

>Good evening everyone..

>

>I have to write tonight to get this off of my chest.. before I just

>explode.. I dont' think that I have been this angry, this disillusioned in

>quite some time.. I was, earlier this evening, shaking w/soo much anger,

>and

>hurt.. that all I could do was feel the tears well up in my eyes at the

>stupidity of it all..

>

>this evening, my Mother and I decided to go out to dinner.. we hadn't done

>that in a while, in an effort to save money.. I went on strike tonight,

>LOL,

>and said that I wanted to go out.. ))

>

>Now, I wish that I had of cooked at home.. We settled on Red Lobster, as

>that is one of our favorite places..

>

>Let me explain, kind of a detour.. Usually, I will call ahead to the

>restaurant, and request accommodating seating, because of my disability and

>inability to fit in small chairs, or booths.. I did that this evening as

>well, however, the person that took the call said that they didn't have

>call

>ahead seating.. OK, soo, I knew of 3 places in the restaurant that I could

>sit w/out pain.. and went w/the thought that I would request one of them..

>One is a round booth, where the table moves freely.. and there are two

>regular booths in the non smoking section that work as well.. they are on

>the end, and the booths will move..

>

>The Manager of the place knows me and my Mom pretty well.. soo, when we got

>there, we asked for seating in one of those 3 places.. w/the round table

>being the preferred spot.. As the hostess was leading us to the table.. one

>of the seating personnel said loud enough for everybody in the lobby to

>hear

>it.. " you should go to Mickey D's for a round table.. we don't accommodate

>that

>here " and then he laughed.. So did the people w/him, albeit

>uncomfortably..

>I heard the exchange, as did the manager as he greeted us.. When we were

>seated, I asked to speak to the manager immediately.. I was soo mad, my

>mother wanted to know what was wrong.. she had not heard the quip.. I gave

>her a brief response.. and waited for mgmt to get to the table.. When he

>got

>there, I lost it.. I was shaking, tears were in my eyes, as I recounted

>what

>I had heard.. he tried to play it off for a minute or two, making it sound

>as if I hadn't heard it..

>

>He was a black guy, and in order for me to get his attention.. I had to say

>to him.. " If someone made a remark w/in earshot of your racial makeup, how

>would it make you feel? " He immediately responded that he would not

>tolerate it.. EVER.. I told him that the man that said it has no idea what

>I

>deal with on a day to day basis.. he has no idea what pain I handle, or how

>hard it is for me to deal with.. and that he had no right to say anything

>like that to me.. I demanded an apology from the guy.. The mgr asked me to

>calm down, and give him a few minutes to talk to the man, and then he would

>bring him over to the table.. Soo.. I waited.. and shook the whole time.. I

>could not order my meal for a while.. and was trying hard not to be abrupt

>with the wait staff, cause she had nothing to do with this..

>

>Soon after, the manager came back to the table with some guy, probably 20

>years old or less.. who appeared to be Hispanic.. or of a Latin descent..

>His name was Elijah.. The manager again apologized for the restaurant, and

>then gave me the floor.. I told Elijah that he was wrong to make comments

>like that.. that he had no clue what I go thru, nor the discrimination that

>I deal with on a daily basis because of my disability.. I told him that he

>would not like it if someone made cracks about his race, or his coloring,

>or

>anything that he had no control over, now would he? You should have seen

>his face.. He just hung his head, apologized.. said he was sorry, he didn't

>mean it in a bad way.. and that he was only teasing.. I told him that he

>should watch what he says to people he doesnt' know anything about.. that

>what he said, while to him, it was a joke, it obviously wasnt' a joke to

>me,

>and adversely affected me.. I asked him what right did he think he had to

>make ribald comments like that about someone he knows nothing about? My

>Mom

>was just sitting there w/her jaw dropped down.. she could not believe how

>upset I was.. Neither could I..

>

>But you know what? before joining adult children recovery, ( a subsidiary

>of alanon) I would have cried about that

>statement, but would not have said a word.. Unfortunately, I didn't enjoy

>the meal, because I was soo angry.. I did calm down after about an hour or

>so.. but even now, almost 5 hours later, it is still chapping my butt.. I

>think the thing that upset me more than anything is that he said it loud

>enough for the whole lobby of customers waiting could hear him, and so

>could

>I, as I was walking away.. it obviously pushed buttons that I had long

>forgotten.. kids used to be soo mean to me in school.. they would call me

>all names aside from a child of God, and ridicule me unmercifully.. they

>stuck pencils in my butt on the school bus, and made fun of me behind my

>back, whispering into their hands.. It is no wonder that I didn't grow up

>with a serious drug or alcohol problem.. Verbal abuse is soo insidious, so

>harmful, and no one seems to realize what harm it actually can do.. Perhaps

>it was an old issue, I dont' know..

>

>The Manager paid for my dinner tonight.. gave me carte blanche.. in an

>effort to soothe my wounded heart.. I told him that I just wanted to boy to

>have a little couth.. that stuff like that can't be said in public places

>w/out running a strong risk of suit.. I told him that I had JUST as much

>right to be comfortable in this restaurant as any other patron here.. and

>that it wasn't right for him to have employees who supposedly *joked* like

>that in public.. I didnt' do major damage to the bill.. But I should have..

>I dont' know.. maybe not.. It just makes me soo furious to hear and/or see

>people being treated badly because they are not like the rest of the

>world..

>

>As I was saying above.. there was a time when I would have just went off in

>a corner stall in the restroom, and cried my heart out.. kept my mouth

>shut,

>and dealt with it internally.. My HS would have flared, my stomach would

>have been sick.. and my heart would have been hurt.. there have been lots

>of

>people here on my 12 step lists who have said that they are not responsible

>for

>what other people percieve their words to mean.. only what they say.. I

>haven't ever understood that tenet of recovery.. Can someone explain that

>one to me.. Because I truly believe that Elijah was most definitely

>responsible tonight.. and as such, he should have apologized..

>

>Can someone give me a clue how to handle this now that it is over, so that

>it does not affect me for a while yet? I have tried the Let go, Let God

>thing about a zillion times this night, and it isn't working right now..

>

>Love

>

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September 10, 2000

> Good evening everyone..

>

> I have to write tonight to get this off of my chest.. before I just

> explode.. I dont' think that I have been this angry, this

disillusioned in

> quite some time..

Cia;

My heart goes out to you,it brought back alot of pain for me and I

wasn't even there or the recipant.Having been in those situations we

can feel the pain.I applaude you for having the courage to stand up

for your self.

It sometimes helps just to write things down and and get them out

of your system maybe that has been helpful.

The other thing is when you are feeling so down try doing something

nice for someone else that is having a hard time,that makes me feel

better.

You could always send your self some flowers!!!!

Find a smile and give it away!!!!!

{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}

Kay/Mississippi

September 10, 2000

Cialynne wrote:

> Can someone give me a clue how to handle this now that it is over, so that

> it does not affect me for a while yet? I have tried the Let go, Let God

> thing about a zillion times this night, and it isn't working right now..

There's an Italian saying I love.... " Pensare non e' obbligatorio, ma a

volte puo' trovare utile " ....which translates to " Thinking isn't

obbligatory, but on occassion you will find it useful " . You have

(hopefully) taught this cruel Elijah to *think* before he speaks--what a

valuable legacy you've given to the world!

Cia ease your wounds with the knowledge that you've done everything in

your power to rectify this horrid situation. I realize it doesn't

immediately make the hurt go away or resolve those negative feelings

that were aroused. So what other " concrete " thing can you do to make

yourself feel better? Is there one thing out there that will make all

right with your world? I hope there is, because you do not deserve to

hurt over this moronic clod! You did a FABULOUS thing for yourself and

for those that come after you--you reclaimed your individuality and your

inalienable rights as a human being.... Brava Cialynne--brava!

If I can be of any help, don't hesitate to contact me....

Ciao Bella

Bridget

September 10, 2000

Cialynne,

Good for you. He deserved that and more!

-

September 10, 2000

Cialynne,

You go girl!!! ~hugging you tightly~ Apperantly this has been building up a

long time within you. You are not just feeling these feelings due to what

happened in Red Lobster, but because of all the other times you were

vicitmized that you didn't have a voice. Feel proud of yourself!!! It may

seem kind of hard right now, because when we find our voices... it sounds

strange, alien, and almost self intimidating after we spoke up. Part of what

you are now going through is convincing yourself that you were in the right,

that you had a right to stand up and to have the guy appologize, that it was

okay (even if the method is one you would do differently when you look back

on it!!!) ~huge hugs~ You have come far this weekend. You say you want to

get over this... You will... Trust me, you will!!! The best thing to do

right now is to allow the emotions to wash over you... Allow yourself to

feel the anger, the hurt, the embarassment.... You have not allowed yourself

that luxury within your life and it has overflowed... Pour it out so that

you can start clean and fresh... Dont bottle it up inside again, for then

you are at a place where it will quickly overflow again... I don't know if I

am making sense to you here, but I am very PROUD of you right now... When we

first find our voice, it doesn't always come out the way we choose...

Sometimes it is more forceful... Sometimes more emotional... Sometimes it

just keeps coming.... It is like a pendelum... You voice had been stuck over

on one side where it couldn't be heard... Now it is heard loud and clear!!!

Eventually, you will find the place inbetween where you will be most

comfortable, where you are not stepped on any longer, but do not feel the

anger so strongly... ~hugging you again~ Write write write down what you are

feeling... Experience it... Allow it to be okay... Once you get it all out,

it will flow away from you like an outgoing tide.... ~proud smiles~ You are

okay and are one step closer to recovering your self esteme.... Keep me

posted!!!

~hugs again... just because~

Rabecca

September 10, 2000

Cialynne,

You are an amazing person! Not only did you " risk " such ridicule by

going out in public, but when faced with such remarks you made every

person on this list PROUD!

I stay at home more than I should to avoid stares and comments. You

not only had the strength to go out, but you stood up for yourself

and your rights when you were wronged! You are an incredible person!

>>.. it obviously pushed buttons that I had long forgotten.. kids

used to be soo mean to me in school.. they would call me all names

aside from a child of God, and ridicule me unmercifully.. they stuck

pencils in my butt on the school bus, and made fun of me behind my

back, whispering into their hands.. It is no wonder that I didn't

grow up with a serious drug or alcohol problem.. Verbal abuse is soo

insidious, so harmful, and no one seems to realize what harm it

actually can do.. <<

The last thing that really impressed me was how you were able to take

this horrible situation and learn something from it. The hardest

thing to do is endure this type of pain and then look inward for

sometype of meaning or source.

You may have a physical disability, but you possess human qualities

that are hard to come by! Keep it up!!

Mileah

September 10, 2000

Cia,

I just want to hug you. I don't know what else to say. I've been in

your shoes before and know how humiliating and disappointing it is to

hear such hateful stuff. I do know you handled it better than I would

have. I am willing to bet that man thought about everything you had

said, and I am also willing to bet that *whoever* witnessed and heard

that exchange got a little education and might think again before they

made any hateful, useless, and hurtful comments like that. My heart and

friendship go out to you. Stay strong and keep that goal in your path.

Robin

September 10, 2000