feeling sorry for myself

[Guest guest]

so i'm seeing Yriondo's name and i'm trying to feel bad about his

death. but ya know what? my husband and i are negotiating a separation. can

you beat that? negotiating a separation. it sounds so bizarre, but really no

more so than my marriage. fucking weird is what it is. weird, I can handle.

when I expect life to be weird I'm never disappointed. but in our marriage

there's been so damned much pretending that the most twisted shit is normal.

my shit as much as his.

so I'm sorry, I really am, about the death of one of ours. I recognize his

name but did not know him well. and we are such a small band, and I do

nothing of substance to contribute to this movement such as it is. so these

losses, kevin and the guy who died a few weeks ago,

I-can't-remember-his-last-name, the guy who couldn't get medicinal

marijuana, these are big and real losses.

but i am not, and never have been, a good enough person to be able to turn

off my own pain at my own relatively insignificant losses, because there is

a bigger loss at hand. why do i even write this stuff? never mind that, why

send it once it's written?

send it i will, nevertheless. because bottom line, it is not a competition

to see whose pain hurts the most. it's life, it's a bunch of people trying

to figure stuff out. and ya never really know what is going to be helpful to

someone else in figuring out their own problems. and it is helpful for me to

spill my guts here, and get whatever support i can in return.

judith

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