Giving a Specific Reason for Going Limited/No Contact

[Guest guest]

I know this question has been raised many times - and apologies for the long

post.

Having decided that I can no longer deal with the stress and games of my nada

(I'm 36), and feeling like I need to be clear on why I want to go 'very limited'

contact with her - I want to send her a letter (no point getting into this on

the phone).

There's really no one else around for her (she has alienated everyone) and I

want to explain that I will be available to help with any specific practical

problems she may have that I can help with in the future (i.e. she is 76 and am

sure she will start having some serious health issues soon), but that to protect

my own mental health I need to have limited contact.

For many years, I've wrestled with the idea of having a superficial relationship

with her but I don't really feel I can accept that option.

So I'm getting ready to write her the letter. I know I can just keep it simple

but I want to be clear and say that in my opinion she acts as though she has a

personality disorder and that unless she's willing to help herself (see someone

- which we could even pay for - or at least try to work on it herself with some

self-help books, at the very LEAST) then I can't really have her as part of my

life. I want children soon and I need the most healthy environment in my life

and theirs that I can, considering how much I have to deal with in terms of not

repeating with them the same mistakes from the past.

I just wonder if I should say specifically in the letter what I think she has (a

personality disorder). I think if I do she may (after a few years) come to

consider it as a possibility and maybe look into it. I always wonder if she

hasn't just given up hope as in the past she was diagnosed as paranoid

schizophrenic (which she isn't) and maybe didn't get any satisfactory treatment

(30 years ago, when no one knew anything about BPD). I realise this may indicate

unrealistic 'saviour' fantasies of mine. But I feel like if I don't spell it out

I will always wonder if I should have, if it would have made some kind of

difference.

Plus it at least gives me something specific to hold her to. As otherwise I

could say 'I don't want you to treat me in such and such a fashion' and she

could promise not to but then of course I know she would because she can't help

it.

I'm not sure how she would react (probably denial). She's not the type to come

after me in anger - and besides I have no fixed address as I travel (and work)

anywhere so there's not much she could do in revenge, if she felt like it.

It just bothers me that she could pass away at some point with all of us

carrying on in this same charade of avoiding the truth. I feel I need to assert

my reality to her as otherwise I will go crazy myself - lost in her denials,

extensive lies and silly games.

Any opinions?

Val.